It’s Christmas day.

I love Christmas. I mean, everyone does, right? But I really really love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas… I love how right around Thanksgiving the energy changes. People are brighter, friendlier, and more generous with acts of kindness and gentleness. There is definitely something magical about Christmas time.

I am a happy and friendly person; I notice people around me and enjoy being kind and warm to people all year long. As the years pass, it seems like simple gestures like holding the door or saying good morning make people a little softer, if just for a moment. The world needs more of that.

Admittedly, sometimes I feel the weight of being “nice”. I’ve even said and thought and felt like I’m the “only” nice person around sometimes. Especially in the hustle and bustle of life. Most people seem to be increasingly oblivious to others. Covid also seems to have worn on a lot of people… myself included…and as I grew weary, it got harder to be naturally nice.

But Christmas. This year more than any other year I felt the magic in the air. A pure sense of hopefulness and joy. Did anyone else feel it this year more than others? I’m not sure if it’s a collective experience thing or if it’s because of the journey I’m on. I guess it doesn’t really matter ‘why’.

The past three days before Christmas I kept getting injured. Someone rammed into the back of my left leg with a shopping cart, I fell down the steps and landed on both my arms and hurt my hip, and then yesterday I smashed my fingers in a tray table while trying to put it away. Smashing my fingers left me in hysterical tears. I was curled up in a ball, bawling.

Why was I crying so much?

In case you didn’t already know, Bryce and I have decided to end our marriage. You can read about it here, if you’re interested. While choosing to end our marriage is the best choice, it comes with its fair share of complications and upsets. I’m not upset about the end of our marriage — I grieved the end for a very very very long time. I feel relieved and like I can finally breathe. I didn’t realize how much I had been holding my breath. How uncomfortable my body was all the time. I’m feeling so much better these days.

But as I bawled on the floor I realized that the natural consequences of divorce that are coming had me worried and concerned, more than I realized.

Preparing for Christmas as coparents had my worrying about our kids and how they will feel and handle the transition of living with both parents under one roof, to living with us under separate roofs. Currently, they are handling the idea of it well, and I believe their okayness is genuine. We’ve done a good job creating a loving home and solid foundation. Also, the split is amicable; neither of us are having a difficult time. Inevitably though, emotions will arise as significant changes occur in the new year. The divorce will bring big changes for us all and I’ve been worrying about them and others… I think I kinda forgot to worry about me. Also, guilt tends to get the best of me before I can feel deeper feelings like grief.

Liam so lovingly reassured me that they all are okay and will be okay. I receive his reassurance and reassure myself – I know I won’t do anything to hurt them; I know I will take every step carefully because that’s who I am. I love my kids and I care deeply for their hearts and our relationship. I choose Love and Love doesn’t hurt.

But I had a moment. A good cry. Lots of fears and guilt to work through. In my excitement of figuring out my problem, the reason I’ve been miserable and depressed and even suicidal for the past ten years, I think I ignored the hard parts of this transition. Physical pain sure has a way of bringing feelings to the surface if you let it. Of course I will because I want to heal. I don’t want to be stuck and mostly dead anymore! I really think I kept getting hurt because God was trying to get my attention. I’ve been asking him to help me become aware of my emotions, my blocks to love so I can heal. For whatever reason I needed physical pain to get my attention.

I’m grateful I had that moment, to get it all out and feel my feelings. Laying on the playroom floor with my kids cuddled on top of me- it was a gift I received and I also gave to myself. I’m proud of my growth. The old me would have been less than kind to myself and it probably would have ruined my day. Instead, I worked through it, healed my big feelings in the core of my heart, and moved on ❤️ I’m proud of me!

So, today, after finally resting last night, I fully immersed myself in Christmas morning with my kids. It was especially delightful watching Anna in full magic of Christmas mode as a seven year old. It was just absolutely perfect.

I stood back and took it all in and as I did, and likely because I created lots of space for good feelings (by releasing my heavy sad feelings the day before), I realized something…

For the first time in ten years or longer, I was actually genuinely happy on Christmas morning.

I’m a conditioned nice and happy person. Is it my personality? Or a learned behavior? Or both? I like being nice, friendly, accommodating. Giving of myself this way often brings me joy so it doesn’t usually come at a cost. But over the years being the nice one, the one who sees everyone and everything and is constantly trying to improve the emotional and aesthetic environment so everyone feels seen and comfortable, and the one who’s also feeling controlled constantly, being nice, even to strangers began to wear me out.

This spiritual journey I’m on is teaching me that it’s better to be genuine than to act. Yes, because acting is fake and dishonest. But more importantly, because acting represses emotions. And repressed emotions create negative energy. And negative energy is a life suck.

‘Repressed emotions’ is one of the many reasons I choose to end my marriage. But, removing only one repressor from my psyche doesn’t actually solve the problem.

I’m using an amazing skill to help me work through my big emotions. I learned it from Jeff and Shaleia, my spiritual teachers and the founders of Twin Flames Universe. You can learn the skill by watching this YouTube video…I promise it will change your life:

Mirror Exercise

So, I mirrored a BUNCH of emotions that came up yesterday and finally fell asleep at 4am.

At 830 this am I stood back and had a wave of beautiful emotion come over me. And realized…

I’m actually really happy.

For the past ten years I’ve been hiding and denying a huge part of myself. I unknowingly, and with the best intentions, repressed big big feelings. Every Christmas Eve I’d grow frustrated, annoyed, exasperated. In every Christmas card I wrote to Bryce I would apologize for being such a bugger… I always spent the holiday frustrated and irritable. But I didn’t know why I was frustrated and irritable. I figured it was stress. But I LOVE Christmas. I love wrapping presents and watching Christmas movies and singing carols and playing games and smiling! Smiling’s my favorite. I love love love celebrating the birth of Jesus. Everything about Christmas is so precious. But I struggled to embrace it.

Today I finally got clarity into why I was actually able to be genuinely happy. I was genuinely able to enjoy all the little moments.

And here’s why…

Because I’m finally allowed to feel my feelings.

Imagine being in love with someone and being forced and feeling forced to deny it every day. Imagine believing that your feelings are DECEPTIVE and WRONG. That’s what the past ten years have been for me. And because I love this holiday, because it’s romantic and full of joy, the building pressure between wanting to enjoy it to it’s fullness and having to repress my genuine emotions grew and grew and led to an ungraceful unraveling every Christmas Eve and morning. Which led to a guilt ridden and repentant wife. This pattern was on repeat for years and I couldn’t figure out why.

I’m allowed to experience and consciously hold all this love I have in my heart for my person.

Now I understand.

So this Christmas, because I’ve been feeling my feelings- the “good”, “bad”, and “ugly”- I have genuinely been able to be NICE. (I put these words in quotes because I don’t believe feelings should be judged as being good or bad… And certainly not deceptive!!! I used them because I know readers understand what I mean by using these words). Who knew repressing GOOD emotions, like LOVE, could have such a detrimental effect.

Today and everyday now I allow myself to feel the Love I have in my heart for the only man I ever truly Loved. And because of this, I was actually able to enjoy my kids. I genuinely laughed and played and soaked it all up.

Everyone says “you’re going to miss this” and “enjoy them when they’re little” and I hear you!!!! I believe this to be true and I want to heed this cautionary tale. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t just absorb them. Because there was no space inside of me for anything but what I couldn’t set free. Love, guilt, condemnation, more guilt, and so much grief.

It’s funny. I’m getting divorced… But for the first time in over a decade I actually feel like I genuinely made the “nice list”. I wasn’t irritable or faking it this year. I wasn’t mostly dead inside. I wasn’t people pleasing and catering to everyone around me and completely denying myself and then over indulging in another area. Every act of kindness was genuine and came from a place of peace.

I’m so grateful. Merry Christmas to me 💖

If you’re looking for a lesson or a moral of the story, here’s how I would sum it up….

Feel your feelings. All of them. Slow down and allow yourself to feel angry, devastated, grief… Allow yourself to love who you love. Doing anything less is so damaging to the self and thus everyone around you.

This was probably the smallest Christmas under the tree we’ve had and the least money we spent… But the two littles said it was the best Christmas ever. I didn’t over compensate by spending tons of money or lavishing them with tons of shit. I picked gifts with love and intention, wrapped and prepared from a place of peace and joy, and they felt it.

Energy is everything.

Christmas magic really does come from the heart. But the magic will be lost if your heart is full of pain and closed to Love.

You love who you love. I love who I love. My freedom came when I gave myself permission to feel it fully, with no expectations. Oh, and I ended my relationship with guilt and shame too.

If you’re looking to experience Christmas magic, it’s not too late. Close your eyes, feel into the core of your heart, ask yourself ‘how do I feel?”. The heart always knows. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, confused, whatever comes up. Don’t judge it. Allow yourself to feel madly in love with someone you “shouldn’t” be. I wish I had allowed myself this 10 years ago and every moment since then.

When you’ve found the part of you that feels the feeling, ask that part of yourself what it needs to feel loved. Often what I need is a big hug… acceptance… grace… peace… and lots of unconditional love. So I just give it to myself. I’ll often fall asleep wrapped up in my prayer shawl giving myself as big of a hug as I can manage. God knows how much big hugs heal me.

Did you make the “nice list” this year? The nice list is your own determination…. You get to decide if you were able to come to the gift of Christmas like a kid. Or was your heart burdened like mine has been for over a decade?

Feel your feelings. Allow God’s pure love to shine a bright white light on it, and give yourself the gift of yourself. You deserve it.

Merry Christmas ❤️

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.