Tag: chooselove

Temptation

July 25th, 2026

Today this verse popped up on my Bible app and tbh it kinda triggered me…

“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

I used to think that loving my twin flame was my greatest temptation. After all, I had these feelings while I was married to someone else. It was the most difficult experience ever, I’m not gonna lie.

I didn’t go looking for it or plan for that to happen…it just…happened.

I spent so much time and energy convincing myself that the love I felt was plutonic. It wasn’t 😁 Deep down I was lying to myself but I didn’t know what to do. I deeply desired to love the person I was married to, to feel strong feelings for him, but I couldn’t.

What I had to get me through the years of ‘temptation” were Bible verses like this and well meaning Christians who were trying to encourage me to stay the course of fidelity to my vows and their understanding of marriage.

I read this verse completely differently now and I’m so grateful for that healing. It’s taken me four years of brain washing – isn’t it funny that we use that term like it’s a bad thing? I’m taking it back!

✨✨✨BRAIN WASHING ✨✨✨

My brain actually feels clean now! My brain has been washed and I can think cleanly!!! 🌟🙌

Back then I thought loving him was the greatest sin, the greatest temptation. Treating myself and my love that way was so detrimental to me and my natural state. We’re meant to love freely and when I stopped myself from loving freely I slowly became cruel. WEIRD. Awkward. Anxious. Depressed. Not me.

Because I was married to someone else, loving him felt forbidden. Because loving him felt forbidden, loving at all became confusing. I couldn’t separate my love, because it turns out, all love comes from God and is for God.

Love is a language, it is a state of being. Love is Love. You can’t choose who you love. You can’t turn it off, you can’t turn it up or down and you can’t channel it. It just flows.

Understanding love and loving has been one of the greatest gifts of the twin flame journey.

✨ Loving your twin flame IS loving God. ✨ Loving God IS loving your twin flame ✨

So when I shut off love for my twin flame because I felt like I had to, I shut off love all together. It wasn’t like an on/off switch. It was a slow fade.

Turning it back on was also not an on/off switch, that has also been a slow fade. Like one of those light switches that you can turn the dial. I think I’m learning that it’s safe to turn it all the way up and keep it up! 🌟

Learning how to love again has been quite a journey.

Way back when I was having all of these feelings while being married to someone else, I used to ask God how he was going to “help me come through” this “temptation”. Because he literally never did. The feelings never went away. I truly believed this Bible verse was saying I would overcome this! I was promised by professionals that they would fade, and I believed them. But my feelings didn’t change. I begged God to take my feelings away, to make me completely faithful (because I was in all other ways faithful) to my now ex-husband. But God didn’t.

Why?

Because…. the feelings I had weren’t the actual temptation.

Read it again.

The feelings I had weren’t the actual temptation.

I don’t know if anyone else has ever been in this boat before but if you have, this post is for you.

If you developed feelings for someone you “shouldn’t” have had feelings for and those feelings wouldn’t quit – this may be why…

God may be using this experience to awaken you to Divine Love.

Maybe they are your twin flame. Maybe not. Only the healing process can reveal that to you.

But one thing I can say for sure is that God used this experience to awaken me.

When I was a kid, I fantasized about my perfect relationship. Not so much how he would look or what he would be like, but how it would FEEL.

Then…. I was just bebopping through life and it happened.

Everything I ever dreamed up.

Everything I ever wanted.

Everything I didn’t even know I wanted.

There it was, breathing the same air as me.

I guess at some point you begin to think that those things are only for the movies, that it’s made up or that you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

But, what Jeff and Shaleia teach us is that we can. And there’s a process to manifesting your dream life.

So many people like me find themselves in a pretty good situation. With their soulmate, living under rules and structure that say “it must always remain this way”… And then we slowly fade into complacency, codependency, and lots of convincing and self-gaslighting that we’re actually fulfilled but we’re not.

But God says…

“There is no test or temptation that comes your way that is beyond the course of what others have had to face.

All you need to remember is that I will never let you down; I’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; I’ll always be there to help you come through it.”

Is there something you’re thinking is a temptation, but might actually be something that God is inviting you to explore more deeply with Him?

I can tell you this, if it has anything to do with Love, then it’s from God and it’s worth exploring.

It turns out for me the actual temptation was to believe that dreams don’t come true and that true love isn’t for me. The temptation was the belief that I was stuck in a marriage that wasn’t meant for me. The temptation was to believe that God would rather me be faithful to my word than see His Word and promises fulfilled.

But 1 Corinthians 10:13 is true. God gave me a way out. He helped me come through it. He didn’t make me wait one second longer than what I could stand.

I used to think the temptation was the love I felt for my twin flame, for God. But it wasn’t. The temptation was the love I had for the lie. And God rescued me. And he’ll rescue you, too.

Honest, kind, shine.
Protected.

April 2nd, 2023

Hey, I’m back.

I needed to take a break and get clear on some things.

I received the best gift on valentines day, a completely unexpected look in the mirror. 🌹

This helped me to reconsider some ways I was thinking about myself and my life… It challenged me to grow in ways that I wasn’t expecting. That’s what a twin flame is first… Your teacher ❤️‍🔥

I started my twin flame ascension journey in October. A significant part of this journey is education through awareness, which is imparted to me by my spiritual teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, and their students in recorded classes called Twin Flame Ascension School (TFAS) through Twin Flames Universe . (Shameless plug- hands down the best investment I’ve EVER made… And I don’t even “talk” to my twin flame!!!!!!!!! 🌹❤️‍🔥🌹). More on this another day 🥰

When I took the leap of faith into this twin flame community I had no idea!!!! it was an ascension journey. I just was DESPERATE to understand our relationship and the unique struggles we were having. NONE of my MFT training, biblical understanding, or life experience made ‘us’ make sense.

I. was. desperate.

In October I didn’t really even know what ascension was other than knowing that Jesus ascended and I think two others in the old testament did too. But the stories I was told were that they were on earth one moment and gone the next.

Growing up in a charismatic church, I was no stranger to the concept of rapture. As a child I can remember having thoughts and questions about rapture and the end times that no one really seemed to know how to answer.

I carried these thoughts and questions into adulthood and anytime I felt remotely comfortable in a religious space I’d poke around and start asking questions. Long story short, I never received satisfying answers. I began to just file rapture and end times under the “lean not on your own understanding” label.

But still… It stuck with me.

It stuck with me so much that 6-8 years ago or so… I thought rapture happened while I was at a women’s retreat! I’m serious!!! I woke up in the middle of the night to what sounded like an orchestra of trumpets!!! I jumped up, looked out the window, expecting to see Jesus rolling out of the clouds… He wasn’t.

I was a kid in the 90s and remember the day our local Christian radio station came on the air- WGRC. And that’s all we listened to. Christian music. So, naturally, there are a few old school songs that have stuck with me… Here’s a fav of mine, I still sing it almost every day!

So the lyrics are “behold he comes, riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, at the trumpets call”

I’m not sure if I got the idea of rapture from this song, from scripture or sermon, or from Kirk Cameron… But it is carved into my consciousness… Jesus is coming when the trumpets sound!!!!

(Funny side note …. I had posted a video of a recording in Spain or somewhere, also about 6-8 years ago, of a weird anomaly where the wind was blowing through this city in such a way that it was causing a loud trumpet sound! The video was sooo cool. I posted it with those Twila lyrics and a friend commented and said “trumpets or Trump-Pence?” 😱😳🤯 Needless to say, Jesus did not come rolling out of the clouds at the Trump-Pence call… But, it’s thought provoking, ay?)

There’s also this really cool scene in The Chosen, season 2 special episode where Mary is giving birth and Joseph looks out the window and the sky!!!!! OMG!!!! It’s glorious. A must watch series and brace yourself for this episode… So good.

I digress. So, I’m at this Christian women’s retreat, at a Mennonite Retreat Center, I mean, it’s just pure and perfect AF, and I wake up to this MASSIVE trumpet sound. I’m not talking about one trumpet. I’m talking like 12 days of Christmas trumpets, at least!!!! 🤣

So, nothing’s going on outside. Just stars and moon. I look over to my prayer warrior, spiritual mentor, for-sure-going-to-heaven friend, Gina… She’s asleep. I make sure her body is there and that she’s breathing because Left Behind got me all anxious worried I could mistake her just clothes for her body.

Okay so, she’s still there… But asleep. And I begin to wonder if I’m losing it. I’m too afraid and ashamed to go out of my room so I just crawl back into bed and pray myself back to sleep.

So next morning, everyone’s still there! Rapture indeed did not happen!

We go to breakfast and I start telling people my story, while laughing of course… I mean… I thought rapture happened. Some are hysterical, some look at me like I’m cray, I’m no stranger to embarrassment.

WELL PTL, one of the sweet Mennonite women heard me and while serving me breakfast said that this happens from time to time and I’m not the only one who’s heard it!

She tells me that it’s something about the way the wind blows through the (indoor) hallway, hits the storage of metal folding chairs, and makes a trumpet sound. Whew. I’m not losing my mind. LOL. Funny story.

So, this brings me back to my weird interest in rapture… The only word and reference I had for ascension.

Rapture was a mostly scary idea to me, even as a 33 year old. I think the Left Behind series messed a lot of us up 😳😬 thanks Kirk 😂

So, I suppose it’s a good thing that I didn’t know the twin flame thing I was getting into was a “rapture” journey because I might have been like ummmm no thanks, I’ll stay here with everyone else lol

So just in case you are like me and don’t know… Rapture and ascension? Not the same thing 🤣

So, now that I’ve been on this incredible journey for 5+ months, I now have a very deep understanding of this work and ascension. I feel like I can speak more confidently about it, about twin flames, and absolutely say with 100% certainty that this is a true spiritual journey into Christ consciousness and spiritual mastery.

I had no idea. But God did. And he heard my desperate cries for help and my heart and mind were/are open enough that he knew he could give me this work and I wouldn’t squander it.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

In February I had just begun my trauma healing through Mind Alignment Process and I was in major upheaval. I talk about upheaval here, but I’ll probably circle back around as I’m now in my 10th week and I have gained such a huge understanding of well… A lot 🥰

It’s 4am and I should probably sleep… But here’s my plan….

There are three points I want to cover, or questions I want to answer, as I make my return-to-blogging debut.

1. What is ascension and what do twin flames have to do with it?

2. What I learned from looking in the mirror. 🪞

3. Why are some of my posts now password protected???

I’m going to write on these things over the next couple days. Until then, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with me through the long haul 😘 it’s been 163 days since I began this internal journey and I’ve healed my childhood sexual abuse trauma, abandonment/attachment trauma, and I’m clearing codependency, fear, doubt, scarcity, and separation from my vibration.

It’s a freaking miracle. I’ve experienced a miracle.

Thank you God. Thank you Jeff&Shaleia, thank you to my coach and practitioner, and so many thanks to my ascension buddies. I couldn’t do this without this support. GOD IS SO GOOD y’all! And this is why I write. Because I want to give you the gift of love and healing that has been given to me 🥰

I’m becoming a new creation. Just like Jesus promised 🥰❤️‍🔥🥰

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo. ❤️‍🔥
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Upheaval.

January 31st, 2023

This spiritual journey sure is interesting! Now having a better understanding of how this all works I’m much more comfortable with it happening.

Anyone else like me? I have this deep desire (maybe even a need 😬) to understand. I don’t know if this is a survival skill that I developed somewhere along the way or part of my humanness? Not sure. But I can pretty much go along with anything if I understand why and there’s a good explanation/reason. I won’t shave my head if you just tell me to but if it’s for a good cause, I might consider it! 😅

But don’t just tell me that ‘it is what it is’ when it is miserable for no good reason or it clearly doesn’t have to be that way.

God is calling me into deeper levels of trust. For the first 6 weeks or so, He made it clear that I needed to “surrender and trust” without explanation or giving me much understanding. It took me about that long to really listen, too. I think this is hard for most people- to completely surrender and trust. Especially when it comes to a love interest. We’re taught to go get it and get it now. And if they don’t respond right away then “fuck em” or “they’re being a jerk and you deserve better”. Lots of people out there believe twin flame relationships are “toxic”… And it’s easy to understand how people come to that conclusion. (Lots of people think God is toxic too 😬). I have lots of people inquiring about the status of my twin flame relationship and when I say to those who don’t know or understand this process that “I haven’t heard a peep” they look at me like I have ten heads lol. They are filled with doubt and suspicion. Trust me friends, 6 months ago I very much felt the same. Like what is this madness?!?!

The difference between then and now is that now I understand how twin flames “work”. Y’all are not going to understand but… He’s actually loving me perfectly 🥰

It feels so good to finally understand.

But the surrender and trust came before the understanding.

God is calling me into deeper levels of trust and surrender as I continue on this purge, prune, and purify journey. Surrender and trust get easier the more I do it, thankfully.

God knew exactly where I would need to be in my relationship with him to experience upheaval. And it’s crazy because not even 6 months ago I was freaking out and passing out!

I started MAP- Mind Alignment Process on Friday last week. MAP was developed by the founders of my school, Twin Flames Universe .

Disclaimer: I know this sounds woowoo to some of you. I don’t really care what you think but because I want to spread the good news, I’m willing to briefly address it. I’m well aware of your concerns and appreciate your skepticism. If you know me at all you know that I have a healthy dose of skepticism in me and that I’m very careful about what I invest my time, money, and energy into. (Especially given the crazy amounts of insane contrast I’ve already experienced in my life 😅) You can trust that I’ve done my research, consulted people I trust, and most importantly, talked with God. For me, TFU and MAP get a BIG green GO sign from God. I am choosing to trust my discernment process as it has. not. mislead. me. yet. God is not a trickster and I have NO desire to get mixed up in nonsense. I choose to trust and surrender.

Every good thing triggers upsets and doubt in others. We’re sooo conditioned to believe that learning, healing, relationships, and love can’t be easy. We must suffer through it right? NO! WRONG! We don’t need to suffer. We just believe we do. Well, I choose to believe differently and trust those who have gone before me. Messing around with spirituality is a HUGE risk and this spiritual community doesn’t take their responsibility lightly. With that said, I understand your concerns and I had them too. I’ve tested them and my school, coach, and teachers continue to prove themselves legit. Not just legit, but full of LOVE. Better yet, God is really showing up – in miracles!!! This community is amazing. God’s design, twin flames, how it ‘works’, is amazing. Of course it is! It’s God! 🙌

So, upheaval.

It’s well known that most experience some kind of upheaval during this process of healing and ascension. Basically, upheaval is the process by which old beliefs, thought patterns, and traumas leave the ‘system’. This can look and feel like a lot of physical and emotional symptoms – exhaustion, crying, a lot, mood swings, and changes in priorities and thinking. Many people experience physical symptoms after their first MAP session. I was feeling SO GOOD after my MAP session – I was worried that it didn’t heal me at the core… And then… This happened…

I’m not usually that red and puffy lol

I developed a rash all over my body. I never get hives and I don’t have any allergies so this is definitely weird. I saw the Dr and he agreed, it’s likely upheaval! Trauma is leaving my body! My skin broke out on my chin and I developed an infection- doc said all the swelling and heat caused it out so now I’m on meds 😅 oy. Interesting that my upheaval is presenting as acne- something I struggled with since my CSA. I’ve learned that spiritually speaking, acne and other skin conditions manifest as a result of repressed anger and boundary violations. So OF COURSE my body would use that method to purge my trauma from my consciousness. Our bodies are amazing. Wow.

I’m grateful because this means the trauma is LEAVING MY BODY!!!!!

I’ve done some form of trauma therapy for the past 10 years and I’ve 1) never felt better and 2) never had a physical response. This is wild.

Of course I could attribute it to other things. A virus, an allergy, etc etc. Of course I could. I could also freak out and worry myself to death. Instead, I choose to believe it’s upheaval because my body has for sure kept the score of my CSA. And now my body, our bodies…. Are releasing it!

If you’re interested in learning more about how the body keeps the score of trauma check out this book.

So… Anna got sick too. She slept with me the night before and right at the same time my rash broke out, she developed a fever with no other symptoms. Later she began throwing up randomly over the next 36 hours or so. She’s also sleeping a lot.

No one else is sick.

If you know me, you know I’ve always had a vomiting phobia. This is a different story but the fact that I’m laying in bed next to her and not anxious is a miracle. 🌱

Healing is REAL!!! And it can be easy! MAP is the way! ❤️‍🔥

God-incidentally this song is playing…

The lyrics say “lay down your burdens”.

That’s exactly what the Mind Alignment Process does. It’s goal is to have you release your trauma triggers and memories- to lay down your burdens. And take up the mind of Christ, healing. Your birth right!

The amazing thing about this is that the process is so simple and SO effective. It really feels like a miracle. God is still on the move and He is still speaking to and inspiring us. We’re not used to recovery being easy. We’re used to paying lots of money, spending lots of time. Today’s recovery process is much like the Old Testaments ‘sin cleansing process’. It required a LOT of sacrifice. The OT stories exist for the purpose of contrast. So people can compare – ‘this is life without Jesus’, ‘this is life with Jesus’. Unfortunately, some people, even some with good intentions, try to create short cuts or methods to healing that just don’t work because they’re not inspired by God. There are lots of healing methods that exist today that in comparison feel like sacrificing animals and following a list of rules as long as a CVS receipt 🤣

Her face lol

Think about it though.

A good God would not make healing hard. That’s the whole message of Jesus. He died for our sins so we don’t have to pay for them anymore!

OT = CVS receipt, Jesus = no receipt.

It really is just that simple. Sadly the evangellies and much of the modern church still tries to make people pay for their sins. They do this by hyperfocusing on the sins of others and condemning them into guilt and submission. They do it by saying things like “hate the sin not the sinner”. You realize that this is SO not something Jesus said?? Sorry church, you missed the point of Jesus.

I digress.

Here’s what I think is going on. But before I share, please know that I am not just making this up out of thin air. I’ve done a lot of reading and talking to my spiritual mentors and they confirm… This is how healing happens. This is upheaval.

I think Anna is upheavaling with me. I won’t get into the details but this is how trauma works. (If you’re interested you can read more here). Trauma creates an imprint on our DNA and that imprint gets passed on until someone chooses to heal their consciousness. Because women are born with all the ovum they’ll ever have, her grandchildren are affected by her experiences. When I was pregnant with Anna she had all her eggs- therefore, I carried my grandchildren. This is why generations tend to repeat cycles. Because the patterns are engrained in us- not just by nurture but more so by nature!

We are all energetically connected. You experience, or prove this when your mood is affected by another’s mood. Or you walk into a room and the energy is off. Or you just get a feeling about someone or something and later find out you were right. It’s energy.

Mothers have a special energetic bond with their children, especially before they reach puberty. Because of this, I think Anna’s body is purging the genetic coding and what would be a triggered response to inherited trauma that she may experience later in life. She’s also clearing the DNA coding in her ovum- or future babies! Of course God would make it easy to heal and that we would have everything we need within us to heal ourselves, our children, and our children’s children. That is such a God thing! 🙌

Our bodies are either responding to the healing I did in MAP, or we both attracted a virus to help us along, or purge, the gunk out of our system!

Amazing.

For this reason, I can embrace upheaval. I can embrace my weird hives and infection. And, amazingly, I can embrace her puking. Because we’re healing. And we’ll never have to heal this ever again. 👏🙌💝

This ends with me. 💪

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
It wasn’t an affair.

January 24th, 2023

I’ve wanted to say this for A LONG TIME.

Like YEARSSSS.

Something I’m learning on my spiritual journey is that only love is real. Only Unconditional Love exists. So… anything that doesn’t align with that is an illusion. Hurt, pain, sickness, death, fear, anger, judgement, etc etc etc… It’s all an illusion. Of course you can experience the illusion of these things. But this is why some people don’t get sick or don’t have the same fears. Because it’s not real. It’s why LOVE CONQUERS ALL. Because IT IS REAL.

This is why Jesus could heal and walk on water and ascended. Because he tore the veil between truth and lies. Between reality and illusion.

The church I grew up in (not the building but the theology) taught me that God is angry, judging me, and that I’m a deplorable sinner. That I must “carry my cross” and accept the “thorn in my side”. Even recently a pastor said to me that marriage is something we must “burden under”!!!

Wait… What?!?!?!

If God is love and God made me and God is perfect and can only make perfect things (right?!?!) Then I am perfect. I get the whole “fallen world” bit. Jesus paid it all so we wouldn’t have to suffer. So we wouldn’t have to be burdened. That’s the gift!!!! What’s the point of Jesus if we still live burdened or in captivity to our sin??? Did he pay it all or not? Is God perfect or not? Am I made in his image or not? A good God would not “burden” his children with marriage. That’s nonsense.

Jesus paid it all. Grace is free. We’re free. It wasn’t an affair. I was, it IS, LOVE 😘

I want to share a little story about how God’s grace really showed up during this 10-year journey since I met my twin flame.

After my twin flame and I met and ‘happened’ my pastor and therapist called it an affair and demonized us. No one would listen. I didn’t understand so I couldn’t make anyone else understand. I had so much guilt and shame over our connection and our love for each other and how that was expressed in the physical. It was beautiful and horrible. I felt so alive and so terrible. I was so in love and couldn’t have him.

If you’ve been here and have a conscience, you get it. I went on a 3-year journey of trying to understand how and why I found myself in an “affair”… It was SO out of character for me. During that time, God really revealed to me the true meaning of grace, which even though I grew up as a Bible thumping evangelical Christian, I had no idea what grace was until then. I did a lot of healing and God really showed up with so much love for me. Grace became my life source.

Today I was listening to the song Flawless by MercyMe and was reminded of a really sweet gift.

About 8 years ago, I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. During the pregnancy, this song, Flawless, was on the radio A LOT. I love singing it, it’s such a great song 💓

Every time it would get to the lyrics “Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”, I would be overwhelmed with emotion and the baby would start kicking and fluttering about.

I felt like angels were singing over me. 🥰

Fast forward to the day my daughter was born. We didn’t have a name picked out for her. All I knew was that her middle name would be Grace.

She was born on her great-grandfather’s birthday so we chose to name her Anna after his mother, her great great grandmother. About 12 hours after she was born, my mom asked ” What does the name Anna mean?” I didn’t know because we hadn’t considered it for her first name so we looked it up…

Well… It means Grace. 💫

Yeah, her name is Grace Grace! 😂😍💓

The first night we spent together she woke up to nurse and Flawless was playing in my head. At that moment God’s grace and love washed over me. I realized that God knew all along that her name would be “Grace Grace” and that’s why those lyrics filled me with so much emotion!

“Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”.

Back then I thought my daughter was a gift from God as part of my redemption story. It was my “reward” for choosing my marriage and doing everything that I could to heal from my “affair” and rebuild the marriage. I thought God showed me grace by giving me a perfect daughter because I made the “right” choice…

I no longer believe that. I do believe she is a gift of grace, but not because I earned her.

God loves me so he’s going to bless me no matter what. God loves me no matter what. There is no condemnation! There is NO SIN. It’s an ILLUSION.

It wasn’t an affair. We didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t hurt anyone. We didn’t hurt each other. I don’t have the power to hurt someone. We are eternal beings, made in God’s image. We can only experience the illusion of “hurt”. This is why when we THINK differently, we can make that pain go away.

I now KNOW that what happened between me and my twin was NOT an affair. In fact, I believe that I had an affair with my ex-husband! My spiritual teachers teach that having sex with anyone but your twin flame is like having sex with a sibling! Well, this made that whole relationship make sense….. 💀😂😅 I believe this truth is one of the HUGE reasons many couples don’t enjoy or stop enjoying intimacy/sex in relationships/marriage. Because hormones and the high only lasts so long. And your soul KNOWS you’re being intimate with a sibling 🤢

But the passion and romance between twins never fades. It’s why I still have feelings and desires ten years later! (And we didn’t even speak for the last 5 years!)

Twin Flame love is MAGIC ❤️‍🔥

I was married for 4 years when I met my twin (11 years ago). Even though I was already married to someone else, I always felt like I was betraying my twin, betraying us, by being in my marriage and doing married… things. I didn’t understand this because I thought I should have guilt because I was married and feeling desire for someone else. I didn’t have any guilt about my feelings about him until the “church” piled it on.

I never enjoyed doing married things. I’d pull away from touch, from hugs and kisses… I never initiated sex. I was irritable, annoyed, suicidal, in constant pain, lackluster, and just downright miserable. I thought something was wrong. with. me. Nothing I did made it better. And I TRIED.

I now understand that God gave me a living gift of Grace to show me how innocent and worthy of Love I am. I’m worthy of all my Good. I’m worthy of a marriage that is passionate and reciprocal and always growing, never stagnant. The ONLY relationship this is always possible with is your twin flame.

It’s not woowoo. It’s science. It works the same for EVERY twin flame. A method. A process. It’s God. You must have a close, intimate, safe, very personal relationship with God before you can be in Harmony with your twin.

My exhusband and I are smart, kind, committed, selfless, spiritual and loving people!!!!! We tried and tried. We used every resource, every method to heal and grow our relationship. It didn’t work because we’re not twin flames. It was destined to fail. And it did. When we made the decision to end it it fell apart, no problem. No drama.

My daughter is 7 now and the other day she said, unprompted, “I’m okay with you loving (my TF) because I already know him”. She was not even one the last time she saw him.

Her soul knows. My kids love him because HE IS ME!!! No introduction needed. No need to get to know him. If you know me, you already know him. 🥰

Final thoughts…

I don’t know if anyone else has boat loads of religious indoctrination and trauma, but, I want to confidently say that YOU ARE FLAWLESS.

You are perfect 💖

God’s Grace covers all.

And if you and your TF had an affair, I want to say —

IT WASN’T AN AFFAIR!!! 💥

There was always a grander, more beautiful, incredibly loving plan and reason for why he and I happened when we did. God is still revealing this to me, but I absolutely believe now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t an affair. It was love, it IS love, and God is love. I’m free from all guilt, shame, and condemnation!

Because of grace, grace, God’s grace ❤️‍🔥

I’m so thankful for this journey, so thankful for my coach and spiritual teachers, I’m so thankful for my community. I’m finally home ❤️

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
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Twin Flames 101

January 9th, 2023

Busy rewriting my story with God but can’t leave y’all hanging!!! Everything you need to know about twin flames you’ll find in this teaching…

Twin Flames 101

I’m not getting paid to say this. The only good that comes to me is knowing that I’m sharing the Truth and that you, dear reader, are reading it. This work has changed my life. I’m healing pain and trauma in days that I’ve spent YEARS in therapy for (and I’m a therapist!!! If I was lying I’d be advocating to put myself out of business lol) I believe in this work and in this process ❤️‍🔥 it’s so Divine. It’s so Good.

And you deserve your Good.

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
I’m a writer.

January 6th, 2023

As I wake up and shake off the dust, I’m finding myself again. I’m remembering who I am.

I’m finding my light.

I’ve written a lot about why I am the way I am, or, the way I was. Or, who I’m unbecoming. I do this because I never did. Write about it, that is. Or talk about it for that matter.

One of my core upsets is feeling misunderstood or unheard.

Silence has tortured me so much of my life. You want to punish me? Just stop talking to me. Pretend like I don’t exist. Anyone else feel this?

Ironically, God gave me an exhusband who stonewalled me for the majority of 15 years, a father who didn’t talk to me for ten years, family that never asks meaningful questions or listens deeply, friends who thought I was fine when I definitely wasn’t fine, a friend of 30 years who didn’t speak to me for the last two, and a Love, my twin…who didn’t speak to me for five long horrible years.

That’s a LOT of fucking silence.

(And Contrast… (Another blog post coming soon…))

Thanks to the mirror exercise, I now understand why everyone is silent. I now understand why I’ve suffered SO MUCH.

Because…. for most of my life… I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t hear myself. I didn’t talk to myself. I didn’t understand myself.

I didn’t listen to myself when my insides screamed “run away!” and I laid there, paralyzed. I didn’t listen to myself when my soul wanted to end my marriage ten years ago but I chose to listen to everyone else, my mind, my fear, my ego instead. I didn’t listen to myself…the part of me who was SO IN LOVE with another man…I didn’t listen to her. I silenced her. I denied her. I tried to forget her. I tried to kill her in my mind. I tried to kill my soul.

I didn’t understand myself when I was a silenced kid carrying the weight of the world and didn’t know what to do with it or understand why. Why. Why. I didn’t hear myself crying out for help after every flashback and every nightmare. I didn’t understand myself and why I wanted to die…I didn’t listen to myself. I kept misunderstanding myself. I kept running from myself. I stonewalled myself.

So OF COURSE I would attract more and more situations and people who would keep misunderstanding me. OF COURSE I would keep trying to get people OUTSIDE of me to listen to me… But FAIL and FLAIL because I wasn’t listening to MYSELF.

This feeling of being misunderstood grew and grew especially over the past 5 years or so. God is good and I finally understand why. Because I continued to bury my heart, my truth, my self deeper and deeper. Every day for five years I denied her. I shut her up and I shut her down.

But, she still cried out, “See me, hear me!!!”.

But I buried myself alive.

I could blame everyone else. I want to. I have. You’ve read it. I’ve tried. But no one has shown up on my doorstep and apologized. Even if they did, I’m not even sure it would heal me at the depths of which I feel that pain.

So I write. Because I can. Because I know I’m not the only one. And because I NEED to.

I have 39 years of jumbled up thoughts and pain. Ten years of completely denying myself. A lifetime of completely denying myself of good, of Love.

It’s all coming out now. At first, it wasn’t pretty. I was full of anxiety and panic and desperation. Imagine being buried alive and then one day God takes a shovel and breaks the ground and says “wake up! Come out!”

Writing this now makes me realize that I had my Lazarus moment…. “Lazarus! Come forth!”

“Keturah! Wake up!!!!”

So there she is, my soul, buried six feet under. For the first time in ten years she’s seeing day light again.

My rescue felt like clawing my way out from six feet of packed in dirt. Like tens of thousands of feet had walked on me. It wasn’t pretty. He said I was flailing. Well….I think you might flail too if you realized you were buried alive.

So, I write. I write because I never spoke. Did I say words? Of course I did. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the tendency to be verbose. Especially when I’m anxious. Or when I’m flailing. Or when I’m trying to just survive.

My life is interesting in that the very thing that sets me free is the very thing that hurt me.

My dad is a writer. And an artist. He’s very talented, one of those starving artist and tortured types… Alone, poor, full of dreams but little manifestation. I refused to let that be me. So in my dead days (buried alive) I lost all interest in creating. I didn’t paint. I didn’t draw. I lost my spark. I became lackluster. I never wrote ever, so this is a new creative endeavor for me. And this is why…

All I remember of my dad from my childhood are his aspirations to be an author. He wrote prolifically. He drew pictures to accompany his writing. He was devoted, I’ll give him that. But if you read my earlier posts, you’ll remember that my dad was less than kind to me. And often, that abuse involved his writing.

And because of that, I refuse to become my dad. I refused to write.

The problem is, if I don’t create, I still become him… Full of dreams and no manifestation.

So, when I woke up, I chose to heal it instead continuing to be a victim to it. I healed it by just choosing to do it. For me. To become ME. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I love hearing from people who do read it! But, because I felt forced to stay silent, and then forced myself to stay silent, my noise is now SO LOUD. My healing victory is claiming this for myself and trusting that God will put it in the path of those who need to read it.

When I decided to start a blog, I was terrified. I knew I had a secret and I knew I was supposed to tell it. Torn between doing what’s best for me and what everyone else wants, I was brought to my knees. God said to my soul… They need to hear it. They will read it.

Who is they? I’m still finding out. People come out.of.the.woods. to tell me how much this resonates. How they read me telling their story. Good. I’m glad ❤️. Thankfully, I don’t need validation anymore. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m good or that I’m okay or that I’m making good decisions. I just CHOOSE to believe the God in me who says, “you’re perfect. It’s perfect. Your heart is beautiful. Shine your light baby girl. Say what you need to say”. So, if you’re reading and it helps you, Thank God. Because he told me to. I just listened. Thankfully, it helps me too ❤️‍🔥

So I guess I’m a writer. This is part of who I am now. This is how I choose to heal. And I’ll keep healing. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep digging up the dirt, keep digging out of my grave, until I find all my light, all my good, and all my treasure. ❤️‍🔥

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
New Year, New Life.

January 1st, 2023

I planned to write an nye post and decided to have fun instead and now I’m realizing how actually perfect this decision was! I was going to say goodbye to a bunch of things I choose to leave in 2022… But… That actually feels like holding on. And I choose to LET GO!!!

So, Happy New Year! For the first time EVER I’m excited about the new year. I’m dreaming, throwing all kinds of good things into my vortex (see video), and manifesting so much abundance for the rest of my eternal existence!!!

What is the vortex??!

So here’s a quick rundown (what’s a rundown??) of the rest of my life.

1. All the twin flame things. I’m all in. ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 Twin Flames are REAL and I am one… And… So are you!

2. Ascension. I am loving this journey into harmonious union with God. I’m removing all blocks to Love and filling that space with Christ consciousness. Oneness. Peace. Joy. Unconditional Love.

3. Abundance. God is a God of plenty. I’m claiming my good, flowing with the divine flow. Make it rain 💸

4. Life purpose. I have a dream and I’m making it come true. Family recreation and recovery center ❤️‍🔥

5. Harmonious Union.

Funny… I got married when I was 23… 2023 seems like a good year to get married ❤️‍🔥 #vortex

So… Kitty…. What the heck are twin flames and when did you start believing in all this weird spiritual woowoo stuff???

Well lemme tell ya something.

I believe and I’m all in because it makes sense. It’s scientific, it’s deeply spiritual, and the work is working. It’s literally the only thing that makes my heart and mind and life feel at home, at peace. This wisdom and truth is my divine path to God, to wholeness, to Love. How could I say no?

I’ve been working on my twin flame post but I found this writing and it’s just so perfect and helpful. I didn’t write it (author credit below)

“You’ve met someone that you believe is your twin soul and it feels like your whole world’s changed. You feel this incredible love and desire to be with them which is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. It feels like you’ve known them all your life, even if you’ve just met and you can’t stop thinking about them. You feel a pull and a bond that goes beyond any logical explanation. Yet you’re not together. You desperately want to manifest your twin soul relationship and be able to share your life with them and yet it’s just not happening. It may be that the other person is married or in a relationship with someone else or denies that there’s anything special between you. Or maybe you’ve started a relationship together, expressed undying love for one another and then suddenly the other person doesn’t want anything more to do with you and vanishes over the horizon. You try your best to forget them, move on but despite your best efforts you think about them everyday and just know that the connection you felt is still there. Perhaps you feel like you’re going crazy and must be imagining it all.

You begin to wonder whether this really is a twin soul relationship and doubt that it’s possible to manifest it. You may have been told to forget it. You wish you could, it all seems hopeless and you feel confused and bewildered.

The good news is that a twin soul relationship is meant to work and it’s meant to work in this lifetime. Why would you meet someone that you feel this much love for, feel this amazing bond, only to be kept separated from one another and destined to spend your life apart? You are meant to be together and the relationship is meant to work. However, the only way to manifest your twin soul relationship is to understand what it’s about and what is needed to make it work. It is a spiritual relationship and so doesn’t follow the normal “rules” of love, dating or marriage. If you try to pursue the relationship without your soul then you’re likely to feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall.

No matter how much you may try to make it work, if you ignore the spiritual aspect of this relationship and go chasing after the other person then you’ll probably encounter resistance, denial, difficulties and setbacks. The only way to successfully manifest your twin soul relationship is to get to know your soul, your inner self and develop this relationship on a spiritual level. This person that you’ve met is the physical expression of the other half of your soul. Meeting them signals getting to know who you truly are. Twin souls or twin flames are the embodiment of pure unconditional love. So you need to let go of anything that isn’t part of that. It means letting go of thoughts, beliefs, behaviours that come from ego and don’t reflect who you truly are. As you gain understanding about yourself and begin to change you will notice that your twin soul does also. You are one soul in two bodies and what affects one affects the other. You act as mirrors with each other so as you begin working on yourself you will see that reflected back at you and at that point you will then be able to have and enjoy this special relationship that your heart has been yearning for.”

By: thelovealchemist Author/Source

For most twin flames, it is not easy to describe the hidden door of desire, especially when it comes down to twin flame love, because it isn’t felt from a 3D level.

When you love from a 3D level, you are very much loving someone from a condition, and you are asking them to love you back ALSO from a condition. This is much like a marriage contract, based on a binding legal stipulation, instead of allowing love to flow naturally.

And in a way, you can say that is an essential difference between being in a regular 3D space and being with your twin flame in a 5D spiritual flow.

Except from twinflames.infinity

That pretty much sums it up. Some art so you know how I feel about this in my heart…. The desire is intense. But also so pure and beautiful. If you don’t know, you don’t know.

Well… Now you kinda know ❤️‍🔥

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
Nice List.

December 26th, 2022

It’s Christmas day.

I love Christmas. I mean, everyone does, right? But I really really love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas… I love how right around Thanksgiving the energy changes. People are brighter, friendlier, and more generous with acts of kindness and gentleness. There is definitely something magical about Christmas time.

I am a happy and friendly person; I notice people around me and enjoy being kind and warm to people all year long. As the years pass, it seems like simple gestures like holding the door or saying good morning make people a little softer, if just for a moment. The world needs more of that.

Admittedly, sometimes I feel the weight of being “nice”. I’ve even said and thought and felt like I’m the “only” nice person around sometimes. Especially in the hustle and bustle of life. Most people seem to be increasingly oblivious to others. Covid also seems to have worn on a lot of people… myself included…and as I grew weary, it got harder to be naturally nice.

But Christmas. This year more than any other year I felt the magic in the air. A pure sense of hopefulness and joy. Did anyone else feel it this year more than others? I’m not sure if it’s a collective experience thing or if it’s because of the journey I’m on. I guess it doesn’t really matter ‘why’.

The past three days before Christmas I kept getting injured. Someone rammed into the back of my left leg with a shopping cart, I fell down the steps and landed on both my arms and hurt my hip, and then yesterday I smashed my fingers in a tray table while trying to put it away. Smashing my fingers left me in hysterical tears. I was curled up in a ball, bawling.

Why was I crying so much?

In case you didn’t already know, Bryce and I have decided to end our marriage. You can read about it here, if you’re interested. While choosing to end our marriage is the best choice, it comes with its fair share of complications and upsets. I’m not upset about the end of our marriage — I grieved the end for a very very very long time. I feel relieved and like I can finally breathe. I didn’t realize how much I had been holding my breath. How uncomfortable my body was all the time. I’m feeling so much better these days.

But as I bawled on the floor I realized that the natural consequences of divorce that are coming had me worried and concerned, more than I realized.

Preparing for Christmas as coparents had my worrying about our kids and how they will feel and handle the transition of living with both parents under one roof, to living with us under separate roofs. Currently, they are handling the idea of it well, and I believe their okayness is genuine. We’ve done a good job creating a loving home and solid foundation. Also, the split is amicable; neither of us are having a difficult time. Inevitably though, emotions will arise as significant changes occur in the new year. The divorce will bring big changes for us all and I’ve been worrying about them and others… I think I kinda forgot to worry about me. Also, guilt tends to get the best of me before I can feel deeper feelings like grief.

Liam so lovingly reassured me that they all are okay and will be okay. I receive his reassurance and reassure myself – I know I won’t do anything to hurt them; I know I will take every step carefully because that’s who I am. I love my kids and I care deeply for their hearts and our relationship. I choose Love and Love doesn’t hurt.

But I had a moment. A good cry. Lots of fears and guilt to work through. In my excitement of figuring out my problem, the reason I’ve been miserable and depressed and even suicidal for the past ten years, I think I ignored the hard parts of this transition. Physical pain sure has a way of bringing feelings to the surface if you let it. Of course I will because I want to heal. I don’t want to be stuck and mostly dead anymore! I really think I kept getting hurt because God was trying to get my attention. I’ve been asking him to help me become aware of my emotions, my blocks to love so I can heal. For whatever reason I needed physical pain to get my attention.

I’m grateful I had that moment, to get it all out and feel my feelings. Laying on the playroom floor with my kids cuddled on top of me- it was a gift I received and I also gave to myself. I’m proud of my growth. The old me would have been less than kind to myself and it probably would have ruined my day. Instead, I worked through it, healed my big feelings in the core of my heart, and moved on ❤️ I’m proud of me!

So, today, after finally resting last night, I fully immersed myself in Christmas morning with my kids. It was especially delightful watching Anna in full magic of Christmas mode as a seven year old. It was just absolutely perfect.

I stood back and took it all in and as I did, and likely because I created lots of space for good feelings (by releasing my heavy sad feelings the day before), I realized something…

For the first time in ten years or longer, I was actually genuinely happy on Christmas morning.

I’m a conditioned nice and happy person. Is it my personality? Or a learned behavior? Or both? I like being nice, friendly, accommodating. Giving of myself this way often brings me joy so it doesn’t usually come at a cost. But over the years being the nice one, the one who sees everyone and everything and is constantly trying to improve the emotional and aesthetic environment so everyone feels seen and comfortable, and the one who’s also feeling controlled constantly, being nice, even to strangers began to wear me out.

This spiritual journey I’m on is teaching me that it’s better to be genuine than to act. Yes, because acting is fake and dishonest. But more importantly, because acting represses emotions. And repressed emotions create negative energy. And negative energy is a life suck.

‘Repressed emotions’ is one of the many reasons I choose to end my marriage. But, removing only one repressor from my psyche doesn’t actually solve the problem.

I’m using an amazing skill to help me work through my big emotions. I learned it from Jeff and Shaleia, my spiritual teachers and the founders of Twin Flames Universe. You can learn the skill by watching this YouTube video…I promise it will change your life:

Mirror Exercise

So, I mirrored a BUNCH of emotions that came up yesterday and finally fell asleep at 4am.

At 830 this am I stood back and had a wave of beautiful emotion come over me. And realized…

I’m actually really happy.

For the past ten years I’ve been hiding and denying a huge part of myself. I unknowingly, and with the best intentions, repressed big big feelings. Every Christmas Eve I’d grow frustrated, annoyed, exasperated. In every Christmas card I wrote to Bryce I would apologize for being such a bugger… I always spent the holiday frustrated and irritable. But I didn’t know why I was frustrated and irritable. I figured it was stress. But I LOVE Christmas. I love wrapping presents and watching Christmas movies and singing carols and playing games and smiling! Smiling’s my favorite. I love love love celebrating the birth of Jesus. Everything about Christmas is so precious. But I struggled to embrace it.

Today I finally got clarity into why I was actually able to be genuinely happy. I was genuinely able to enjoy all the little moments.

And here’s why…

Because I’m finally allowed to feel my feelings.

Imagine being in love with someone and being forced and feeling forced to deny it every day. Imagine believing that your feelings are DECEPTIVE and WRONG. That’s what the past ten years have been for me. And because I love this holiday, because it’s romantic and full of joy, the building pressure between wanting to enjoy it to it’s fullness and having to repress my genuine emotions grew and grew and led to an ungraceful unraveling every Christmas Eve and morning. Which led to a guilt ridden and repentant wife. This pattern was on repeat for years and I couldn’t figure out why.

I’m allowed to experience and consciously hold all this love I have in my heart for my person.

Now I understand.

So this Christmas, because I’ve been feeling my feelings- the “good”, “bad”, and “ugly”- I have genuinely been able to be NICE. (I put these words in quotes because I don’t believe feelings should be judged as being good or bad… And certainly not deceptive!!! I used them because I know readers understand what I mean by using these words). Who knew repressing GOOD emotions, like LOVE, could have such a detrimental effect.

Today and everyday now I allow myself to feel the Love I have in my heart for the only man I ever truly Loved. And because of this, I was actually able to enjoy my kids. I genuinely laughed and played and soaked it all up.

Everyone says “you’re going to miss this” and “enjoy them when they’re little” and I hear you!!!! I believe this to be true and I want to heed this cautionary tale. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t just absorb them. Because there was no space inside of me for anything but what I couldn’t set free. Love, guilt, condemnation, more guilt, and so much grief.

It’s funny. I’m getting divorced… But for the first time in over a decade I actually feel like I genuinely made the “nice list”. I wasn’t irritable or faking it this year. I wasn’t mostly dead inside. I wasn’t people pleasing and catering to everyone around me and completely denying myself and then over indulging in another area. Every act of kindness was genuine and came from a place of peace.

I’m so grateful. Merry Christmas to me 💖

If you’re looking for a lesson or a moral of the story, here’s how I would sum it up….

Feel your feelings. All of them. Slow down and allow yourself to feel angry, devastated, grief… Allow yourself to love who you love. Doing anything less is so damaging to the self and thus everyone around you.

This was probably the smallest Christmas under the tree we’ve had and the least money we spent… But the two littles said it was the best Christmas ever. I didn’t over compensate by spending tons of money or lavishing them with tons of shit. I picked gifts with love and intention, wrapped and prepared from a place of peace and joy, and they felt it.

Energy is everything.

Christmas magic really does come from the heart. But the magic will be lost if your heart is full of pain and closed to Love.

You love who you love. I love who I love. My freedom came when I gave myself permission to feel it fully, with no expectations. Oh, and I ended my relationship with guilt and shame too.

If you’re looking to experience Christmas magic, it’s not too late. Close your eyes, feel into the core of your heart, ask yourself ‘how do I feel?”. The heart always knows. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, confused, whatever comes up. Don’t judge it. Allow yourself to feel madly in love with someone you “shouldn’t” be. I wish I had allowed myself this 10 years ago and every moment since then.

When you’ve found the part of you that feels the feeling, ask that part of yourself what it needs to feel loved. Often what I need is a big hug… acceptance… grace… peace… and lots of unconditional love. So I just give it to myself. I’ll often fall asleep wrapped up in my prayer shawl giving myself as big of a hug as I can manage. God knows how much big hugs heal me.

Did you make the “nice list” this year? The nice list is your own determination…. You get to decide if you were able to come to the gift of Christmas like a kid. Or was your heart burdened like mine has been for over a decade?

Feel your feelings. Allow God’s pure love to shine a bright white light on it, and give yourself the gift of yourself. You deserve it.

Merry Christmas ❤️

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.