I’m in a weird state of having so much to say and nothing to say at all. Most of what I want to say is not ready for public consumption. It’s not time yet.

I’m learning to be okay with TIME. I’ve always struggled with the concept of time. Am I alone in this? I think it must be because at our core, we are not time-bound creatures. We have a body and a mind that are tied to time, but we are SOULS, which are not bound by time. For whatever reason, my soul seems to reject the essence of time more than others seem to struggle. I rarely pay attention to the clock. I don’t wear a watch. I’m often late….and I often don’t leave when I “should”. (My husband and I have been known to help turn the lights off after church lol).

I tend to pay attention to my body and the energy in and around me in making many of my decisions that involve time. Obviously, this approach can’t be applied everywhere like when showing up for class or boarding a plane. I’m thankful my husband keeps better track of time than I do… but we’re known for “oh, they’re on Martin time”. (Our eldest child is the WORST lol) see: snail.

It also doesn’t help that my childhood experiences made it difficult for me to get anywhere on time.

Something I’ve learned in my healing journey and as a trauma-informed therapist is that trauma gets stuck in our bodies if we don’t heal it. How this manifests then is that when our ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) gets activated (or triggered) we, usually without conscious awareness or choice- fight, flight, freeze, or fawn and we usually revert back to the age/developmental stage in which we were traumatized and how our ANS learned to cope at that time. This is why we have 50 something-year-olds having temper tantrums (think road rage) like a 4 year old. Something happened at that developmental stage that they never healed.

For me, one of the reasons I don’t do well with time is because my parenting situation was inconsistent. My parents separated when I was 4? and they never lived together after that (thank you JESUS- more on this later). But of course as a 4+ year old, who didn’t know her father was unstable, all I wanted was to be with him. He was the “fun” parent. Also, my brother and I didn’t see my dad for a year after they separated; we moved from California to Pennsylvania without him. My mom did an awesome job at facilitating this difficult co-parenting arrangement but still, I never knew when I was going to see him. He was not well, not consistent, and in a word, irresponsible. I developed an anxious attachment in part because of this.

Kids thrive on routine and predictability. Some kids may have developed an anxious approach to time. I developed an ambivalent approach to time. I know this was likely necessary for survival or just seemed ‘normal’ to me as a small person. (Just like an anxious approach is, too.) I’m sure there are many reasons that I have difficulty waiting and difficulty managing time. But I think this is one significant facet of my time bomb lol. I’m also like my mother who, as I remember, struggled with timeliness 🙂 (sorry for outing you mom :)) My dad is definitely not the type that is bound by most social constructs so…bottom line…I come by it honestly.

How my difficulty with time has manifested in my adulthood is….interesting. I’m not type A really (what are the other types? haha) so I don’t have that anal retentive personality type that is hyper focused on time, structure, order, “respect”. My motto- ‘I’ll get there when I get there. If you don’t want me late then I’ll go home. I probably didn’t want to come anyway.’ HA!

I understand that my indifference towards time pisses some people off. Trust me, I KNOW. I’ve heard aaaalllll about it. I know time-sensitive people often can and do feel like I’m being disrespectful of them and their time. I know they probably think, ‘all you care about is yourself, Kitty’. Ouch. This certainly is not my intention, to hurt or upset people by being untimely. My intention is actually centered in attending to the needs of each moment instead of freaking out about being late or doing things by/on a certain time. This of course get more complicated when you have children.

It wasn’t until an old friend freaked out on me for being 10 minutes late to something that I got my butt better in gear, especially on being ‘on time’.

My mindset is not at all like a time-minded person’s mindset so my first thought when someone’s late isn’t “how rude” or something of that nature. In fact, I’m more likely to think, “they must have got caught up in something, I can wait” and because I know I often get caught up in something, I give lots of grace. Afterall, is the thing THAT important? (Sometimes it is. I’m (usually) on time for those things :))

When someone stays late my mindset isn’t “they need to go”. It’s usually something like “they must really need this time together”… and because I’m flexible with my time, I’m able to serve them in that way.

I know, I know- you time-minded people are squirming in your seats. I get it. I’m muuuuch better at arriving on time than I used to be. Here’s where I still struggle….

I crave deep connection. There are a few people on this planet that I can and do get lost in space with. It’s like our souls connect and they go off dancing among the stars. Before I know it, it’s 5am. I’m energized, alive, and so full– I’m overflowing. I can get 3 hours of sleep and attack the day ahead with joy and vigor- no problem. I’ll just catch up on sleep later. Unfortunately, not everyone is like me… haha… and even though their soul seems to enjoy the dance… they can’t just “lock the door and leave the world outside” all day every day. Sigh… won’t heaven be great for people like me?

All of this to say… I have a lot to say. But, I’m taking my time, respecting others’ time requests, and waiting on God’s timing. NONE of these things come naturally to me, admittedly. So, feel free to say ‘atta girl’.

If you’re a chronically late person or someone who also struggles with time constraints, I hope this post helps you know you’re not alone. To cope, I have crafted a life that allows me to be a bit more flexible, to move at my own pace. I have also crafted a life that forces me to be time-bound in my work. That structure is helping me repair some childhood wounds that inevitably created my difficulty with respecting this unnatural boundary. It also helps me be in relationship with people who are time-sensitive.

And for those of you reading that are a fan of time, please know that people like me are not trying to be disrespectful. In fact, we’re likely doing the opposite. We are slow and gentle with a crying child, we will get out of our car and help a turtle cross the road, we’ll stay the extra 20… or hour…. to help clean up and make sure your soul feels safe. We stop and smell the roses, say hello to a neighbor, feel the breeze in our hair, and we’re the ones who make the special moments last.

I will suck every ounce of precious time out of every sweet moment. We only get a few that are actually worth living for… might as well make them last as long as possible ❤

Some music for your soul…

Slow down, you move too fast…

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Time after time ❤

Honest. Kind. Shine.