Tag: #trauma
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Listening to Landslide by Judah and the Lion (a Fleetwood Mac remake- better imo š¬) and contemplating the last 39 years of my life. If you take a listen I think you’ll get a window into my life, as it is and as it’s been.
The lyrics are just… almost too much to bear without filling a bucket of tears.
Took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain, then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me downOh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
Well, I’m getting older too…10 years ago I made a commitment to someone I love that I would climb ‘our mountain’…. and then I turned around….and then the landslide brought me down.
I’ve always struggled with my relationships with men. It’s a bit dark? deep? to talk about this on my birthday but it’s what’s on my heart…
I’ve shared here and there that I have a complex relationship with my father. Come this December it will be 10 years since we’ve had any interaction.
About ten years ago, someone close to me contacted me- she was very concerned. She shared that my dad had messaged one of her daughters in the middle of the night (she was a very young teenager at the time) and the message made her feel really uncomfortable. This person close to me was aware of my dad’s history (I’ll share below) and asked me to talk to my dad about his behavior. She wanted to call the police. The interaction was obviously concerning and compelled me to address my dad. I had just turned 29 when I had to have this conversation with my DAD.
What is your relationship with your dad like? Does he respect the boundaries and innocence of you, your friends, others? Does he call you on your birthday? Does he allow you to have your own special moments?
Bryce has allowed me to witness what a good father looks like. I’m grateful.
My father was not a good father.
Don’t get me wrong, we had some good moments.
My dad was the fun parent. He was like us kids, loved to play video games, listen to music, be silly. My dad is an artist, an author- he’s very very talented. He loves psychology, science, and philosophy. He’s incredibly intelligent. Emotional. Deep. Pensive. Creative. Expressive…
Sound familiar?
I haven’t wanted to be but the truth is…I am so much like my dad.
I have wanted to deny this, run from it, not admit it. Because I was afraid. Afraid if I expressed myself fully I would turn into him, or even worse- be accused of things he’s done. My dad doesn’t live by the “rules”. Even to this day the way he lives is life is outside of what’s considered “normal”. He’s not a productive member of society.
My dad was never held accountable for what he did to me. He was never held accountable for the many many ways he made so many of my friends uncomfortable by making me/them the object of his sick desires.
The fucking hard thing is…I love my dad. I miss him. I want to have a relationship with a father. And I don’t. I can’t. He’s toxic and dangerous. I must protect myself and my daughter. He will never ever have any kind of access to her because he’s an abuser.
This is very hard to write.
I have been conditioned to “respect my mother and father” and I think they and most people would prefer if I didn’t air my dirty laundry (and the alternative is???? let it stink up my house???)
Childhood abuse makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to admit that their own father was both the object of their love and also their destruction.
How awful and confusing that is. I was just a little girl. I had no voice. I had no one to protect me. No one knew. I didn’t talk about it for TEN YEARS.
Apparently I’m good at keeping secrets for a decade š¦
My mom didn’t know. No one knew. No one knew what he did to me. And I’m not going to write it here because it’s just….awful.
But I will say this…. because of who he is, how he objectified me and every little girl he had access to, he made me not trust myself. He made me detach my mind from my brain. He traumatized me. He robbed me of my innocence.
He refuses to take ownership and be held accountable for his actions which is why I have severed him from my life. I’m not happy about it. I’m not over here celebrating the fact that my dad is a pedophile. It is the worst family secret that could ever exist. Imagine having to hold that in your heart and mind your whole life.
I was never given a space to talk about it, to heal. I can’t even count how many people have said, “it make you stronger”, “he did his best”, “maybe if you…”, “you need to forgive”… I don’t think people understand how hurtful statements like this are. So many people have implied that it was somehow my fault, my responsibility. If you’ve EVER thought anything like this about a victim of childhood abuse (or any abuse, for that matter) YOU are part of the problem and have blood on your hands.
It wasn’t my fault.
The 1990s weren’t trauma informed or kid-positive so my brain just did it’s best to figure out how to deal.
As a result I have ongoing trauma triggers, flashbacks, unwanted memories, and I’ve had LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of confusion and heartache around parenting, love, sex, my body, and MEN.
My mom never dated or remarried so I virtually had no positive male role models in my life, especially before I was 16. I had a grandfather and a few uncles, but we weren’t close in a way that I needed. It’s not their fault. In today’s other post I share how much I crave intimacy- being seen, known, and loved. For at least 10 years (probably 10-20 years old) the darkest and most devastating part of my life was unseen and unknown by anyone but me…and him. Secrets are intimate. These kind of secrets are killers. Killers of mind, body, and soul. It’s a freaking miracle that my life has gone the way it has. Someone must have really been praying for me, looking out for me. Apparently her name was Elaine ā¤
The landslide lyrics are tough to hear but also so healing.
I have built my life around four different men, trying to find love, trying to find wholeness and healing. Some people get lucky and do find healing in their relationships. I actually think that’s how it’s supposed to be. We are built for community. Finding your tribe is a real and necessary thing– consider yourself incredibly blessed if you feel like your tribe- whoever you decide that to be- gets you–all of you.
Time has made me bolder. I’m writing- something I’ve been scared to do for so many reasons but a significant one is because I don’t want to be my dad. I love to write. But it’s suuuuperrrrr triggering. I remember days, weeks, years of my dad pouring all of his energy into his books, into his art, and into his love for little girls. Even as I type this I could just scream. Or barf. Or both, at the same time.
It is the worst feeling ever to love someone who destroyed you.
So here it is, my 39th birthday. I won’t get a call from him, I won’t get a card. I won’t hear ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’. As far as I know, I’m dead to him. All because I spoke the truth and set a very very firm boundary.
Lots of people don’t have a dad. Lots of people were physically, sexually, emotionally abused by their fathers. Lots of people cut off contact with their dad (or mom) for their own protection and mental health.
I don’t think many people have a dad like mine though. So gifted, so wounded, so deep and profound, but also so… dangerous.
Usually I’m okay. I can find joy in watching Bryce parent Anna. I find peace in knowing that we’re protecting her body, mind, and soul. I am able to love myself, parent myself in ways I wasn’t. I’ve worked really hard to not be triggered and in my trauma unconsciously. Because it’s UGLY and crazy when it shows up. It makes me mean. It makes me misunderstand nearly everyone’s intentions, especially men.
I don’t see men as dangerous. That’s not how it shows up for me. I see men as indifferent towards me. There are a few men I cherish and they are the one’s that get the brunt of my trauma projections. You didn’t call on my birthday? Must mean you don’t love me. You forgot about me, didn’t celebrate me, didn’t notice or give me special moments? Must mean I’m unlovable…trash…unworthy.
My abuse taught me that I am unworthy of the basic human right to bodily autonomy. To be protected, safe, and loved as a little girl. He robbed me.
So, thirty-nine is the year that I am taking my life back, out of his hands, out of any man’s hands that I’ve surrendered my self-worth to. I’m taking my life back, I’m taking my heart back. I’m taking my body back. I’m taking my mind back. It’s all mine now and I’m not going to let anyone anywhere implicitly or explicitly define my worth.
I’m also going to fight like hell for the things I want, for the love I deserve.
It’s taken me thirty nine years but I finally know what I want. I finally know what I deserve. I won’t settle for anything less. I would rather be alone.
If you can’t grow or change to become what I want and need, then you’re not right for me. You may be a decent human. You may be everything someone else wants or needs. But if you like the person I am- deep, passionate, loving, expressive, full of light and love- then you might have to work on your shit. You might have to grow. You’ll probably be stretched and made uncomfortable.
Go out on a limb– that’s where the fruit is š
Not everyone is able or willing to let go of their patterns that hold then back or hold them in sick places, like pedophilia for my dad…
Newsflash though…the universe will continue to present you with opportunities to confront your demons. Don’t think you can escape it. There’s no better motivator than love. I hope you choose love.
We outgrow people who won’t grow with us.
Most people just want to stay safe…but as they do they stay in their pain, in their lies, in all the things that hold them captive. I know because I’ve been there.
I’m giving myself the gift of freedom.
Freedom from lies. Freedom from captivity. Freedom from triggers. Freedom from dogma. Freedom from judgement. Freedom from death. Freedom from smallness. Freedom from scarcity. Freedom from him.
I’m willing to burn for you.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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*TRIGGER WARNING*
This post talks about some of my suicidal thoughts. If you are triggered by or upset by these kinds of thoughts, please do not read. If you read and do become upset, that’s normal and okay! Please reach out to someone you trust. You can always reach out to me, too. ā¤ļø
September is suicide awareness month. It also happens to be my birthday month. (yes I get a whole month. Deal šš).
For my birthday this year, I’m asking for donations to 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Facebook offers these easy ways to donate money around your birthday time. I’ve seen some become really successful! I’m hoping this blog post will motivate readers to find compassion in their hearts for people like me. There’s more than you can imagine. Currently, we have a 13 year old kiddo who has come into our life who experiences suicidal ideation daily.
SI is often met with judgement. I’m going to strongly challenge you, if you are prone to judgement, in regards to suicide or otherwise, that YOU indeed are part of the problem.
I’m judgmental too. It’s really hard not to be. We are analytical humans, always trying to understand our world and the people in it. Some of us are even professional judgers! (Hint: therapists, pastors, doctors, anyone who works in human services… We are trained to judge.)
It’s time to FLUSH our judgments. Flush em all. Like seriously, all of them.
Blue cat=judgementalness I have experienced suicidal ideation on and off for most of my adult life. I don’t mind talking about it except that many many people think that those who have SI are “attention seeking” and wildly, irresponsibly, and overly emotional. I’ll tell ya one thing- it sure sucks to be judged when you already feel like a burden.
That’s what my SI has said to me.
You’re a burden.
You’re unlovable.
You annoy people, frustrated them, no one understands you because you’re broken, you’re sinful.Your heart is deceitful, it lies. Your heart has hurt everyone you love. Your love is like death.
Your thoughts and needs drive the people you love crazy.You’re too much.
You exhaust everyone around you.
The world would be better off without your crazy mind, misplaced emotions, and inability to function like the rest of us.
You’re hurting everyone.
Your children deserve better.Your death would open up space for someone to do better. Someone who understands how people are supposed to be. You don’t understand. You shouldn’t BE.
I could never actively take my life. But I have passively wished for it to end more times than I can count.
The quiet and often solitude experience of suicidal thoughts is enough to drain years off a life and overall diminish a person’s quality of life. Imagine carrying these thoughts around with you. Imagine thinking that no one actually cares. The world must keep spinning, right? After all, everyone has to work, sleep, watch their TV shows, scroll their phones…
No one has time for your whiney bullshit, Kitty. No one should have to stop their life to help you feel loved. Who TF do you think you are?
Suicidal thoughts are obviously lies.
Sadly, ALL of us who experience them experience them as TRUTH. And, go looking for evidence, you’ll find it. People think the world is flat for heaven’s sake. It’s not that far of a stretch to believe you’re a burden when the people in your life literally don’t call or text back.
Oy.
I don’t want sympathy. Empathy would be nice- if you really care you can ask what my SI experience is like for me. You can ask me why I have thoughts like this. You can ask me what you can do in those moments and then follow through. (Hint: it’s not much. Just hugs mostly.)
Suicide is heavy. Talking about it takes some of the shame out of it. Talking about it empowers others who haven’t healed yet to talk about it. I’m not 100% healed but I’m better than I was two days ago, two months ago, two years ago.
If talking about suicide makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay! That’s normal. Feel free to say that; be honest about your feelings. Try not to avoid talking about it though. Avoidance is the fuel for suicidal thoughts.
Try to imagine what it would be like to feel suicidal. Ask your suicidal friend what it’s like for them. Hold lots of space. No need to fix it.
The best thing you can do is slow down. Be present. Be available.
If a friend calls and is upset…MAKE space. If you can’t make space, you don’t know how to love. If you have a hair cut scheduled, reschedule it. If you made plans to go out with a buddy, ask for a rain check. If you’re at work, ask for a mental health hour. If you’re in the middle of dinner with your family, quietly excuse yourself. PEOPLE will understand. And if they don’t, are they really your kind of people?
Facebook takes care of the donation processing with no fees.
My goal is $390 for my 39th birthday. A $39 donation is enough of a birthday gift for me ā¤ļø Thank you for caring about other people.Empathy. Vulnerability. Safety.
Let them tell their story.
If you’re not able or willing to do this hard task, that’s okay. Talking is hard, listening is even harder. Just donate money and help save lives. Tell your friend to call 988. There are lots of people like me out there who feel unloved, worthless, like a burden. Your donation will communicate to them that their life is worth living… That YOU want THEM to stay alive.
Screenshot to donate, use your image search š We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention crisis line available to anyone in the U.S. in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 988, the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in our national network of crisis centers. You can also text 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org. The 988 Lifeline is a program funded by SAMHSA and run by Vibrant Emotional Health, a 501(c)(3) organization. Your donation will go to Vibrant Emotional Health to support the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline and other programs and services administered by Vibrant.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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I’m burdened by the hypocrisy of the “Christian” church.
I can’t believe I’ve played a part in this nonsense… This hate.
Church…we’ve messed up. Big time.
This is abhorrent. 
#guilty 
Actually, ask yourself if anyone feels loved by you. 
Change my mind. 
Burn every copy of love&respect š¤® 
Submit submit submit and God will bless you with an asshole for a husband who can’t even find the ketchup on the front door. Also, was told by my pastor and “Christian” therapist that they were angry with me for trying to feel loved. 
Fuck purity 
Sounds a bit narcissistic 
I didn’t write this. I don’t like those words at the end but you should seriously think about if and how your beliefs are hurting you and other people. People should not be able to love better than God. 
Yeah, this one’s tough for me too. 
No caption needed. Other than *note: WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACHED 
#yep 
The hypocrisy is as THICK as their skulls… 
Y’all. I don’t even understand this logic 
Or this logic 
I’m actually okay being kept awake. I’m sorry. 
Cherry picking should be left for actual cherries 
We’ve really messed up. 
Well, does it? 
š¤ 
I try to remember to talk to my unpleasant emotions like I would a little toddler. What do you need? How can I help? 
No virtue. Read it again with me. 
I seriously do not even understand how one could think they should be in office. 
š¬ 
Sick. I’m kind of done with this “Christian” nonsense. Pray for my soul.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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Third post in and Iām going to actually start, I think.
As a therapist, I am always paying attention to how my clients set up their story. Do they dive right in? Or does it take them a few sessions to open up? Everyone is different and while I want to be a safe space where my clients can just ‘spill the tea’, everyone has a different process and that’s okay.
Me? I am a hedger. I tiptoe. Especially with people I don’t know if I can trust. I have always had difficulty being direct. Obviously, this is obvious lol. Three posts in and I’ve barely said anything of substance. With my husband and my friends I’m not usually this way… but I’m writing this for the world. I’m writing it for you. YOU you (iykyk) but also you- the one who has a hard time hearing hard stuff. I know, this is frustrating. To both me and the listener.
JUST GET TO THE POINT, KITTY! Ugh, if I had a nickelā¦
Well, sorry folks, but Iām still growing. And maybe at blog post #3297 Iāll just be able to SPIT IT OUT, but not today. This is my process and Iām allowing myself to have it. Kudos to those out there who can just blurt things out and deal with the consequences (or not). Iāve tried different styles of sharing and well, this one is just what works best for me. (A little insider tip for those who donāt care for tiptoeing or hedging, just skip the first 2 paragraphs or so until I get better at spilling the tea, lol)Ā
Remember, Post #one I shared that Iāve kept a secret for TEN YEARS. Iām not just going to blurt it out. Frame it however you want. Am I stringing you along or am I setting the groundwork? I believe good foundations make it possible to build good houses. So this is me, setting the foundation. Despite what some may think, I donāt usually go around just dropping bombs. I try not to anyway.Ā
In one of my first posts I shared that writing is difficult for me. Not because I donāt like writing (I DO!), but because writing, sharing my thoughts, my heart and soul, has a strong trauma attachment and trigger. I will share more about that in a future post, but āpearls before swineā is a part of that trauma story.
Iāve always been a vulnerable person. I have no problem sharing my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. Someday Iāll dive much deeper into this, but for now, weāll just say itās a super fun combo of personality + trauma + attachment + coping styles that makes me this way. I truly donāt mind laying it all out there for people to see. Unfortunately, people donāt always like or understand what they see or what they hear. And because of filters and programming, people seem to have lots of opinions. For the majority of my life, this equation: my heart + peopleās opinions, has not worked out well for me. Iāve had to do all kinds of healing to get to a place where I can be me and not want to die.Ā That’s heavy, I know. I’ll circle back.
People mean well. I know they do. But man, the TRUTH ISā¦ āpeopleā have hurt me, misunderstood me, invalidated me, and trampled on my heart (my thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences) with the things that theyāve said while trying to figure out what to do with my big ol messy heart.Ā
Hereās an incomplete list of the shit people say/the beliefs I’ve developed as a result of the shit people say:
- Guard your heart
- Donāt throw your pearls at swine
- Donāt air your dirty laundry
- Youāre exhausting
- No one wants to hear that
- TMI
- Youāre flooding
- You’re oversharing
- This is too much
- Youāre too much
- I donāt have time for this
- I can’t be part of your process
- You’re being dramatic
- Just stop thinking/feeling that way
- Youāre not allowed to think/feel that
- Not everyone deserves to see your heart
- And on and on and on it goesā¦.
Let me make one thing very very clearā¦. Iām not saying theyāre wrong. I agree with or understand most of these statements, especially the biblical onesā¦ā¦ā¦.in principle. The problem is, like with most quippy saying and stupid things people say, is that if you say them to a CHILD or if you say them to someone who has been TRAUMATIZED and forced to keep a secret all their childhoodā¦ well, folks, you are then the ‘swine’. In trying to āhelpā me, my āfriendsā, family, therapists, pastors, etc etc etc have actually taken my pearls and trampled all over them. In trying to āhelpā me they actually hurt me. Just more reasons to keep it all stuffed in.Ā
IYKYK, am I right?
Chances are, if youāre an unempathetic or unsafe person you probably wonāt end up here so I can just be straight without worrying about ātheirā feelings. Because thatās what us big hearted people do. We care. We care so much about everyone else that we forsake ourselves and spend decades ruminating on what they say, and thus proving that no one will want to or be able to hear our heart.Ā
I really only have two choices. I can continue doing some version of what I’ve done my whole lifeā keeping it all locked up for the most part and sharing bits and pieces with a select few āculturally approvedā listeners orā¦ā¦ I can do what Iām doing right here right now and love myself HARD aaaaand bare it all for the world to see.
Itās what I want to do. It’s what my life thus far has set me up to do. I’ve worked through and I’m committed to being okay even if others are not okay with me. I believe it all will be for the GOOD of mankind. My prayer is that it glorifies God. Ā
So, my friends, you have a choice. You can be safe or you can be swine. Maybe someday, when I get up on my therapistās soap box, Iāll do a little lesson on how to hold space. Until then, just know that when someone cracks open and shares their heart with you, the last thing they need is comments or implications like those above. We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we filter information coming in. Which is why Iām doing this. Iām choosing to blog because people can choose to come here and read it. You can stop reading whenever you want and you can come back whenever you want. You can also ignore it and carry on.Ā
Iāve spent too much of my life begging, pleading, and teaching those who āloveā me how to listen. I’ve spent too much of my life begging and waiting around for someone to give me the basic human right to take up space. I have a voice and Iām going to use it. You donāt have to listen. I donāt need anyone or everyone to listen. I just need to put it all out there because I know that there has to be someone, someone just like me, whoās been silenced and caged and tamed and who wants to be set free but doesnāt know how to make it happen.
Iām going to be a part of the ‘Glennon Doyle movement’ in this world- untamed and brave, empowering, authentic, and free. ā¤
Here are my pearls. Here is my heart. Ready or not, letās ride.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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This blog thingy is interesting. I already have posts scheduled out to Sunday but this one feels like it needs to come out today. Itās becoming more and more clear to me what is actually going on with me and while I started this blog to tell my big secret, itās also helping me peel back all the layers of this onion. Or cake…or parfaitā¦everyone loves parfaits.
I sure hope someone gets my jokes and movie quotesā¦
Last night my husband and I went out for ice cream. The kids are at my in-laws, my request, or plea, rather, and so weāve had a few very wide open days to talk, run and grab lunch, basically do whatever we want. Itās ā¦. nice? Itās interestingā¦ thatās for sure.
So we went for ice cream and while we were out I was unpacking all kinds of emotional shit. Which brought me to this statement: āHave I talked to you about my thoughts about work?ā He replied with a statement indicating that I indeed had not caught him up on the latest developments of my work related thoughts.
Earlier in the day I was listening to the most recent episode of Glennon Doyleās We Can Do Hard Things Podcast. At the end of the podcast someone suggested to make a list of all the things you feel like you have to do. Then go down through the list and ask yourself, āDo I want to do this?ā āDo I really have to do this?ā Because I process super fast and really without consciously thinking I am, I suppose I got there, at least to one thing that I donāt want to do and I donāt have to do. It at least got me to the point where I was prompted to bring it up to my life partner.
Itās not that cut and dry, though. Being a therapist, for me anyway, comes with a greater joy and responsibility than just going to work for a paycheck. Iām not punching a time clock, I donāt hang out at a water cooler. I canāt waste hours playing mahjong or do any of my work mindlessly. Iām not judging those of you who are able to do any of this! Iāve had jobs like this too. Of course not every moment is wasting time away! But in nearly every job Iāve had, even other human services jobs, in an average 8 hour day there are plenty of opportunities to veg, space out, be careless, mindless, absent.
Not as a private practice, self pay, therapist. I am IN IT. ALL THE TIME. Iām not complaining. I LOVE my job. Itās more than just a job though. Itās a lifestyle. I have to be a certain kind of person, with certain ālevelsā of growth and mindset, and personal/other insight to be one that is pursued and respected in my field. Iām in private practice which means all of my clients come to me either through word of mouth or through Psychology Today. If Iām a shitty therapist, that news is going to travel fast. As it should.
So those questions, what do you have to do and what do you want to do are very very layered and nuanced for me.
Do I have to work? Yesā¦.and noā¦
Do I want to work? Yesā¦.and noā¦
Maybe most people feel this way about their jobs. But unlike me, if Iām not in a good spot mentally, emotionally, spirituallyā itās unethical for me to work. It doesnāt matter how much I want to, how much I āneedā the money, how guilty I feel for not working and all the ripple effects that causes. If at my core I know that I canāt hold safe space for my clients, for whatever reason, I canāt work. Itās unsafe, unethical, dangerous, irresponsible. I know other people have jobs where this is the case. Surgeons, forklift operatorsā¦ There’s lots of us who have jobs where we have to be on our A game nearly 100% of the time. When you work for a company, thereās built in bs time. BS meetings, lunch breaks, scheduled time between meetings, meetings that you can totally skip out on if you have a headache or the poops. When you work for a company, you get paid for those often unplanned 20-40 minute āneed-to-collect-myselfā moments.
If this happens to me as a therapist, in my current work situation, which I do not plan to or want to change, I have to cancel a full session or push through. Sometimes we push through. My therapist was feeling sick the other day- she pushed through. She also asked crappy questions and judged me- which I know wasnāt intended, of course. Still happened.
The problem with being a therapist is that to do a good job and feel good afterward we have to be damn near perfect. And thereās no such thing as perfect. So we hope and pray for clients who remember our humanity and give us lots of graceā¦but we canāt expect this! All my clients pay out of pocket. Can you imagine paying a painter to paint your ceiling and heās having a shitty day and splatters paint everywhere? Would you hire him to come back? Would you refer him to your friends? NO! Most people, especially these days, would be really pissed. We donāt live in a culture that encourages grace.
Nor do I want to expect or need a lot of grace.
Soā¦ this is what asking myself, āwhat do I want, what do I needā has led me to. So MANY PEOPLE do not have the āluxuryā? ability? to do what I NEED to do, right now. I canāt put it off anymore. I need to take time to heal.
I am a therapist but I am also a trauma survivor. My trauma messaging, triggers, and nervous system responses run deep and wide. The Secret revealed to me that while I thought Iāve been dealing and healing the past 10+ yearsā¦ I wasnāt ā¦. not completely. And not enough for me to ethically and safely practice therapy.
Our world does not make it easy to do trauma recovery. As a trauma informed therapist, a passionate trauma-healing focused friend, believer, mother, etc etc etc, I have come to realize that this burden of trauma that I carry in my body, that we all carry in one way or another (think 2020), is just a lot. We are all crumbling.
It doesnāt really matter how much I want to work. It doesnāt really matter if I need to. I canāt.
Iām grateful that God has orchestrated my life and circumstances in such a way that l am actually able to do the trauma and emotional healing work right now that I have not been able to do my whole life. Iāve tried. Iāve been open and conscious and aware of my triggers and how the messaging shows up in most areas of my life. Iāve been in some kind of therapy consistently for the past 10 years. Iāve done lots of work around codependency, PTSD, self-love, and spirituality. Iāve basically devoted every moment of my life over the past 10 years to becoming a better human. But my secret revealed to me that there are deep deep parts of me that are still reacting and if I donāt heal it, I will fuck up. I canāt do that. I wonāt do that to myself or to anyone else.
I need to heal.
Iām grateful for this very public platform. I donāt care who reads or doesnāt read. I know God will put it in the hands of those who need to hear it. Pray with me that he will reveal it to those who need permission to take the space they need to heal.
Thanks for reading ā¤ļø
āWe are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.ā
2 Corinthians 4:8,9,16-18
Honest. Kind. Shine.
Keturah Mae Shine 