It’s like I stood on the top of a cliff with all my brave and heart and soul. With reckless abandon I took the leap, trusting the deep cool sea below to catch me after I flew gracefully (or chaotically š ) through the sky.
The others in the photo are a good representation of those who have watched me, of all of you who’ve willingly clicked on over to witness the chaotic explosion that is my wild, messy, beautiful, alive life. I appreciate your witness.
I’ve felt mostly dead for awhile now and the critics and naysayers have said “don’t jump!” or “it’s dangerous!” Your concerns are valid. I appreciate them. I need you to know that I’ve considered the risks. I’m okay with braving this wilderness alone. I’m okay with risking all that’s at stake.
I’ve said I don’t care what others think, but that’s not actually true. We’re made for connection. I do care. Caring and doing it anyway is the hard thing. This public platform assures that I am reserving a seat, as Brene Brown says, for the critic, the shame, scarcity, and comparison voices of the world.
Fear can and will stop us from braving the wilderness. Fear keeps us safe, yes, but it also keeps us stuck, stagnant, and, if we’re called into the wilderness (hint: we all are in one way or another), fear will keep us from getting what we actually want the most. What is actually fulfilling and true and what is from God.
I don’t know about you but God has never blessed me in a big way when I’m just sitting around waiting. He has never blessed me when I was comfortable. The big blessings came with HUGE leaps of faith and trusting that he will equip me as I take every new step into the unknown.
Elsa gets it
I don’t know what the future holds but I know what I want. I don’t know how to get there but I trust myself and I trust the Universe to guide me and provide me with everything I need and more. I belong to myself. I know who I am. I can do this!
Here’s your weekly Brene wisdom…
Every inch of me is trembling But not from the cold Something is familiar Like a dream, I can reach but not quite hold I can sense you there Like a friend I’ve always known I’m arriving And it feels like I am home
I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside You have secrets, too But you don’t have to hide
I’ve never felt so certain All my life, I’ve been torn But I’m here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different Normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?
Braving the wilderness one giant leap at a time š
I thought it could be helpful to share what I’m reading, listening to, who my teachers are and who has helped me on this journey of freedom and fire. I’ll be updating this list so be sure to check back ā¤ļø
I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for those who have gone before me.
We belong to each other and I’m grateful for all the wisdom in my life ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Third post in and Iām going to actually start, I think.
As a therapist, I am always paying attention to how my clients set up their story. Do they dive right in? Or does it take them a few sessions to open up? Everyone is different and while I want to be a safe space where my clients can just ‘spill the tea’, everyone has a different process and that’s okay.
Me? I am a hedger. I tiptoe. Especially with people I don’t know if I can trust. I have always had difficulty being direct. Obviously, this is obvious lol. Three posts in and I’ve barely said anything of substance. With my husband and my friends I’m not usually this way… but I’m writing this for the world. I’m writing it for you. YOU you (iykyk) but also you- the one who has a hard time hearing hard stuff. I know, this is frustrating. To both me and the listener.
JUST GET TO THE POINT, KITTY! Ugh, if I had a nickelā¦
Well, sorry folks, but Iām still growing. And maybe at blog post #3297 Iāll just be able to SPIT IT OUT, but not today. This is my process and Iām allowing myself to have it. Kudos to those out there who can just blurt things out and deal with the consequences (or not). Iāve tried different styles of sharing and well, this one is just what works best for me. (A little insider tip for those who donāt care for tiptoeing or hedging, just skip the first 2 paragraphs or so until I get better at spilling the tea, lol)Ā
Remember, Post #one I shared that Iāve kept a secret for TEN YEARS. Iām not just going to blurt it out. Frame it however you want. Am I stringing you along or am I setting the groundwork? I believe good foundations make it possible to build good houses. So this is me, setting the foundation. Despite what some may think, I donāt usually go around just dropping bombs. I try not to anyway.Ā
In one of my first posts I shared that writing is difficult for me. Not because I donāt like writing (I DO!), but because writing, sharing my thoughts, my heart and soul, has a strong trauma attachment and trigger. I will share more about that in a future post, but āpearls before swineā is a part of that trauma story.
Iāve always been a vulnerable person. I have no problem sharing my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. Someday Iāll dive much deeper into this, but for now, weāll just say itās a super fun combo of personality + trauma + attachment + coping styles that makes me this way. I truly donāt mind laying it all out there for people to see. Unfortunately, people donāt always like or understand what they see or what they hear. And because of filters and programming, people seem to have lots of opinions. For the majority of my life, this equation: my heart + peopleās opinions, has not worked out well for me. Iāve had to do all kinds of healing to get to a place where I can be me and not want to die.Ā That’s heavy, I know. I’ll circle back.
People mean well. I know they do. But man, the TRUTH ISā¦ āpeopleā have hurt me, misunderstood me, invalidated me, and trampled on my heart (my thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences) with the things that theyāve said while trying to figure out what to do with my big ol messy heart.Ā
Hereās an incomplete list of the shit people say/the beliefs I’ve developed as a result of the shit people say:
Guard your heart
Donāt throw your pearls at swine
Donāt air your dirty laundry
Youāre exhausting
No one wants to hear that
TMI
Youāre flooding
You’re oversharing
This is too much
Youāre too much
I donāt have time for this
I can’t be part of your process
You’re being dramatic
Just stop thinking/feeling that way
Youāre not allowed to think/feel that
Not everyone deserves to see your heart
And on and on and on it goesā¦.
Let me make one thing very very clearā¦. Iām not saying theyāre wrong. I agree with or understand most of these statements, especially the biblical onesā¦ā¦ā¦.in principle. The problem is, like with most quippy saying and stupid things people say, is that if you say them to a CHILD or if you say them to someone who has been TRAUMATIZED and forced to keep a secret all their childhoodā¦ well, folks, you are then the ‘swine’. In trying to āhelpā me, my āfriendsā, family, therapists, pastors, etc etc etc have actually taken my pearls and trampled all over them. In trying to āhelpā me they actually hurt me. Just more reasons to keep it all stuffed in.Ā
IYKYK, am I right?
Chances are, if youāre an unempathetic or unsafe person you probably wonāt end up here so I can just be straight without worrying about ātheirā feelings. Because thatās what us big hearted people do. We care. We care so much about everyone else that we forsake ourselves and spend decades ruminating on what they say, and thus proving that no one will want to or be able to hear our heart.Ā
I really only have two choices. I can continue doing some version of what I’ve done my whole lifeā keeping it all locked up for the most part and sharing bits and pieces with a select few āculturally approvedā listeners orā¦ā¦ I can do what Iām doing right here right now and love myself HARD aaaaand bare it all for the world to see.
Itās what I want to do. It’s what my life thus far has set me up to do. I’ve worked through and I’m committed to being okay even if others are not okay with me. I believe it all will be for the GOOD of mankind. My prayer is that it glorifies God. Ā
So, my friends, you have a choice. You can be safe or you can be swine. Maybe someday, when I get up on my therapistās soap box, Iāll do a little lesson on how to hold space. Until then, just know that when someone cracks open and shares their heart with you, the last thing they need is comments or implications like those above. We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we filter information coming in. Which is why Iām doing this. Iām choosing to blog because people can choose to come here and read it. You can stop reading whenever you want and you can come back whenever you want. You can also ignore it and carry on.Ā
Iāve spent too much of my life begging, pleading, and teaching those who āloveā me how to listen. I’ve spent too much of my life begging and waiting around for someone to give me the basic human right to take up space. I have a voice and Iām going to use it. You donāt have to listen. I donāt need anyone or everyone to listen. I just need to put it all out there because I know that there has to be someone, someone just like me, whoās been silenced and caged and tamed and who wants to be set free but doesnāt know how to make it happen.
Iām going to be a part of the ‘Glennon Doyle movement’ in this world- untamed and brave, empowering, authentic, and free. ā¤
Here are my pearls. Here is my heart. Ready or not, letās ride.
This blog thingy is interesting. I already have posts scheduled out to Sunday but this one feels like it needs to come out today. Itās becoming more and more clear to me what is actually going on with me and while I started this blog to tell my big secret, itās also helping me peel back all the layers of this onion. Or cake…or parfaitā¦everyone loves parfaits.
I sure hope someone gets my jokes and movie quotesā¦
Last night my husband and I went out for ice cream. The kids are at my in-laws, my request, or plea, rather, and so weāve had a few very wide open days to talk, run and grab lunch, basically do whatever we want. Itās ā¦. nice? Itās interestingā¦ thatās for sure.
So we went for ice cream and while we were out I was unpacking all kinds of emotional shit. Which brought me to this statement: āHave I talked to you about my thoughts about work?ā He replied with a statement indicating that I indeed had not caught him up on the latest developments of my work related thoughts.
Earlier in the day I was listening to the most recent episode of Glennon Doyleās We Can Do Hard Things Podcast. At the end of the podcast someone suggested to make a list of all the things you feel like you have to do. Then go down through the list and ask yourself, āDo I want to do this?ā āDo I really have to do this?ā Because I process super fast and really without consciously thinking I am, I suppose I got there, at least to one thing that I donāt want to do and I donāt have to do. It at least got me to the point where I was prompted to bring it up to my life partner.
Itās not that cut and dry, though. Being a therapist, for me anyway, comes with a greater joy and responsibility than just going to work for a paycheck. Iām not punching a time clock, I donāt hang out at a water cooler. I canāt waste hours playing mahjong or do any of my work mindlessly. Iām not judging those of you who are able to do any of this! Iāve had jobs like this too. Of course not every moment is wasting time away! But in nearly every job Iāve had, even other human services jobs, in an average 8 hour day there are plenty of opportunities to veg, space out, be careless, mindless, absent.
Not as a private practice, self pay, therapist. I am IN IT. ALL THE TIME. Iām not complaining. I LOVE my job. Itās more than just a job though. Itās a lifestyle. I have to be a certain kind of person, with certain ālevelsā of growth and mindset, and personal/other insight to be one that is pursued and respected in my field. Iām in private practice which means all of my clients come to me either through word of mouth or through Psychology Today. If Iām a shitty therapist, that news is going to travel fast. As it should.
So those questions, what do you have to do and what do you want to do are very very layered and nuanced for me.
Do I have to work? Yesā¦.and noā¦
Do I want to work? Yesā¦.and noā¦
Maybe most people feel this way about their jobs. But unlike me, if Iām not in a good spot mentally, emotionally, spirituallyā itās unethical for me to work. It doesnāt matter how much I want to, how much I āneedā the money, how guilty I feel for not working and all the ripple effects that causes. If at my core I know that I canāt hold safe space for my clients, for whatever reason, I canāt work. Itās unsafe, unethical, dangerous, irresponsible. I know other people have jobs where this is the case. Surgeons, forklift operatorsā¦ There’s lots of us who have jobs where we have to be on our A game nearly 100% of the time. When you work for a company, thereās built in bs time. BS meetings, lunch breaks, scheduled time between meetings, meetings that you can totally skip out on if you have a headache or the poops. When you work for a company, you get paid for those often unplanned 20-40 minute āneed-to-collect-myselfā moments.
If this happens to me as a therapist, in my current work situation, which I do not plan to or want to change, I have to cancel a full session or push through. Sometimes we push through. My therapist was feeling sick the other day- she pushed through. She also asked crappy questions and judged me- which I know wasnāt intended, of course. Still happened.
The problem with being a therapist is that to do a good job and feel good afterward we have to be damn near perfect. And thereās no such thing as perfect. So we hope and pray for clients who remember our humanity and give us lots of graceā¦but we canāt expect this! All my clients pay out of pocket. Can you imagine paying a painter to paint your ceiling and heās having a shitty day and splatters paint everywhere? Would you hire him to come back? Would you refer him to your friends? NO! Most people, especially these days, would be really pissed. We donāt live in a culture that encourages grace.
Nor do I want to expect or need a lot of grace.
Soā¦ this is what asking myself, āwhat do I want, what do I needā has led me to. So MANY PEOPLE do not have the āluxuryā? ability? to do what I NEED to do, right now. I canāt put it off anymore. I need to take time to heal.
I am a therapist but I am also a trauma survivor. My trauma messaging, triggers, and nervous system responses run deep and wide. The Secret revealed to me that while I thought Iāve been dealing and healing the past 10+ yearsā¦ I wasnāt ā¦. not completely. And not enough for me to ethically and safely practice therapy.
Our world does not make it easy to do trauma recovery. As a trauma informed therapist, a passionate trauma-healing focused friend, believer, mother, etc etc etc, I have come to realize that this burden of trauma that I carry in my body, that we all carry in one way or another (think 2020), is just a lot. We are all crumbling.
It doesnāt really matter how much I want to work. It doesnāt really matter if I need to. I canāt.
Iām grateful that God has orchestrated my life and circumstances in such a way that l am actually able to do the trauma and emotional healing work right now that I have not been able to do my whole life. Iāve tried. Iāve been open and conscious and aware of my triggers and how the messaging shows up in most areas of my life. Iāve been in some kind of therapy consistently for the past 10 years. Iāve done lots of work around codependency, PTSD, self-love, and spirituality. Iāve basically devoted every moment of my life over the past 10 years to becoming a better human. But my secret revealed to me that there are deep deep parts of me that are still reacting and if I donāt heal it, I will fuck up. I canāt do that. I wonāt do that to myself or to anyone else.
I need to heal.
Iām grateful for this very public platform. I donāt care who reads or doesnāt read. I know God will put it in the hands of those who need to hear it. Pray with me that he will reveal it to those who need permission to take the space they need to heal.
Thanks for reading ā¤ļø
āWe are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.ā
Keturah Mae Shine 