A trauma trigger storm.

Trigger warning: this post may be triggering due to content that alludes to childhood abuse and heavy emotional expression. If you believe this may be difficult for you to read, please feel free to skip it. If you would like to read it, please contact someone you trust if you need to process what you’ve read/your thoughts and feelings. Take care of YOU. ❤ 

(I’m adding time stamps for reference of how this all went down).

8/11/2022 4:30 pm

Yesterday’s post threw me for a loop… The Secret .

The way I’ve interpreted Proverbs 4:23, the way it’s been interpreted for me, has deeply affected me. Meditating on it and trying to rewrite my beliefs around it almost paralyzes me. 

I’ve heard of writer’s block. I wonder if this is what it feels like. I’m going to try to push through because after all…that’s what this is for. My raw, real, thoughts. They’re not perfected. I think that’s actually part of the ‘problem’. I believed that in order to share my heart, it had to be “perfect”. My thoughts have to be perfect, my beliefs have to be perfect. If I’m not perfect then I’ll fuck everything up and then my misery will all be my fault. Oy, talk about shame and limiting beliefs. 

Where the hell did I pick this up? Hell- that will give you a clue. 

Here’s what I know about Satan…evil…whatever you want to call it. At least, this is what I’ve been told and what I’ve learned to believe. Satan pays attention. He doesn’t bother the ones who are doing his destruction for him. His mission: steal, kill, destroy. So if a ‘fruit’ is missing- look for how you might have aligned with the dark side. For instance, comparison is the thief of joy. If we’re busy checking social media, comparing our child to another child… our relationship to another relationship etc… Well, we are surrendering our joy. Satan doesn’t need to do any work if we’re busy doing it for him. 

We all struggle with different aspects of the human condition. We can usually figure out where Satan is going snatch us by evaluating our feelings. Lots of well meaning people think that the antidote is to not have any feelings. Or, figure out how to numb all the uncomfortable ones. Just avoid avoid avoid. Admittedly, this is what I thought I was supposed to do with my secret. I got so good at dismissing, denying, stuffing, and rebuking (YES I EVEN REBUKED IT!) that I actually began to have ‘peace’. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months… In the process of listening to the lie, that I thought was Scripture, Satan stole my voice, killed my truth, and nearly destroyed something pure. 

I didn’t realize this until June 27th 2022. I had “guarded” my heart so well that it lost touch with my soul. 

Let me explain…

In June of 2012 I had a life changing experience. I’m not going to share what it was in this post…that’s for a different day. But…it changed me. It took my world and everything in it and shook me upside down. All the change and chachkies came flying out of all my pockets…. Shit flying everywhere… Everything I thought I knew about love, God, people, myself… flipped. Upside Down. 

Have you seen Stranger Things? It’s like that. One minute I was right side up, the next… I’m Upside Down. Because of my choices, I was now in hell. Far from God. A sinner in need of repentance. Not only was it just me in hell, but I had taken people there with me. 

…4 hours later…

8/11/2022 9:00 pm

Because I’m getting honest, here’s the truth. I was writing this at 4:30 and in the middle, I got super triggered. I’ll explain why in a future post, but in this post I want to share what happened, my raw real time trigger storm.

I was sitting here, thinking about what to write and how to say what I want to say. You’ll see above that I started to write. I haven’t edited it and I’m not going to because it is raw, confused, deep, emotional thought that came before the trauma trigger flood. I’m sharing this whole process because 

1. Trauma recovery SUCKS. Our world is not trauma informed. Hell, not even psychiatric hospitals are trauma informed. (I know this because I used to work in one and THIS was one of my many huge beefs with that system). I believe in creating a better, trauma informed world. And as Ghandi would have it, I am being the change I want to see. We don’t need to be ashamed of the trauma we experienced. We shouldn’t be shamed for how our nervous system responds to triggers. But, we are. We’re called crazy, clingy, obsessive, too much… or we’re called narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, assholes. We could stop all this hate if we understood trauma. 
2. If you have a trauma past, you’re not alone!!! I want this to be a place where you see someone like me: a Christian, a mom, a wife, a marriage and family therapist, a flawed human doing real life in the raw. So many of our heroes have taught us that God only calls the equipped. The perfected. The flawless. Well, I’m here to tell you that this is simply NOT TRUE. This is ‘hot sloppy mess express’ rolling in ‘toot toot!’ and being stripped and equipped every step of the way! All aboard the best kind of crazy train. We’re all a little mad here but we are also “awkward, brave, and kind” (Thanks, Brené Brown <3). 

So, here’s what happened. I started trying to rethink and reframe “guard your heart” and it sent me into a trigger storm… Here’s an edited version of what I wrote. It’s edited because it’s written to someone. I want to protect their identity so I made adjustments…

8/11 5:35 pm: 

“I’m really trying. I want to give you exactly what you want but you need to tell me what you want. Please. This silence and not following through is so triggering. It’s not necessarily YOU that’s triggering me. It’s the process. Please let me explain. 

Ten years ago I confronted [person] about [my trauma]. He denied it and hasn’t spoken to me since. As much as [he] is an asshole, I still love him. You know me, my heart is big and wide open. I’ve tried so hard to follow everyone’s advice and just be angry with him, hate him, make him dead to me, etc etc etc. The same stupid advice everyone gave me to deal with you, too. (There’s a difference which is why I’m writing to ‘you’). I haven’t tried to contact [my abuser] since I sent him one letter [many years ago] making my boundary clear and he never responded. To make my boundary make sense to him he had to make up lies about me. Whatever, I don’t care. I know who I am and his ideas don’t define me. Unfortunately, I’m still a [person] who gets so fucking sad sometimes that [these are the cards I was dealt]. To him, I’m not worth an apology, ownership, time, space, nothing. I don’t want to whine or complain… But I do want to convey how incredibly painful it is to love someone who hates you. How incredibly painful it is to love someone who’s alive but in order to cope I have to make him DIE. There’s no other way to cope. Sometimes I have peace and sometimes I don’t. Right now, it is really hard to find peace. This whole thing that’s [happening between us], even though it’s obvious that you don’t want it, is so fucking triggering. It’s not your fault. And no, you don’t have to be a part of my process. You don’t owe me anything. You’ve already given so much of yourself to me and now it seems like you didn’t even want to give most? all? of what you gave. I don’t know what sense to make out of this but it’s not good sense. It has me tossing you in the same category as [person] and [name]!!!!!!! I don’t want to do that to you! To US! I’m so sorry I’m pushy. I swear I’m not pushy like this anywhere else in my life. As it stands, six weeks into this hell I’ve been living in, I can make you die in my mind and heart or I can share this with you. I’m hoping that understanding my trigger will help you find some compassion for me. I’m hoping that you’ll take my heart and hold it with tenderness, respect, and care. I want to work on my triggers. But I don’t want to do it alone. Please don’t leave me suffering in silence and empty commitments.”

8/11/2022 10:30 pm

I’m tired and need a break. I’m scheduling this to post on Sunday 8/14. This one’s hard to hit ‘publish’ but I’m doing it anyway. Do it afraid. Feel free to ask questions but be gentle with your statements. 

Honest. Kind. Shine.