For almost two decades, I was married to someone I loved. We had a beautiful family, a stable life, and a strong friendship. By most peopleās standards, it was a good relationshipāsafe, supportive, kind. He was a good man. We shared joy, laughter, lots of life, vacations, sweet moments with our children, and a deep respect for each other.
But hereās what I didnāt understand back then: You can love someone with your whole heartā¦ and still not be in the right frequency for your soul. You can build a whole life with someoneā¦ and still not be in alignment.
Because what I had wasnāt badāit just wasnāt mine.
I had already met my Twin Flame while I was still married. And what that connection awakened in me was something I didnāt even know I had been missing: a level of intimacy, spiritual recognition, and divine truth that shook me to my core. He once gave me a song with the lyric: āI never knew I had a dream until that dream was you.ā And thatās exactly what it felt like.
Until that moment, I didnāt even know I had a hunger for that kind of transcendent love. And once that part of me woke up, I couldnāt go back to sleep.
But I tried. God knows I tried.
For ten years, I pushed myself to make my marriage work. I tried to restore it, fix it, prove my love- to him, to myself, to everyone- through what I now know was guilt and obligation. I told myself I owed it to my kids. To him. To God. I forced myself to be present when my soul was crying. And that constant self-betrayal created deep, long-lasting trauma.
Because hereās what they donāt tell you: Being in a relationship that isnāt your true vibrational match will wear down your soul.
Me in 2017… hiding behind heartbreak
Even if it looks good on the outside. Even if thereās love there.
Itās not about blame. My ex wasnāt abusive. He didnāt try to trap me or control me. In fact, he told me more than once that he never wanted me to fake it. But the truth isāI did. I faked it because I didnāt feel like I had a way out. I faked it because I thought love was supposed to look like sacrifice.
Even now, years after our divorce, my nervous system is still healing. Thatās how deep the pattern of self-abandonment ran. Thatās how much I tried to contort myself into a relationship that didnāt fit.
I used to think that if someone was kind and stable and loving, that should be enough. But Iāve learned something sacred through my healing: Safe doesnāt mean aligned. And love alone doesnāt mean union.
If youāre constantly having to explain yourselfā¦ If you feel like your partner just doesnāt get you, no matter how you try to translateā¦ If youāre always tiptoeing around your truth, your light, your sensitivityā¦ If youāre not even sure you can speak certain feelings out loud without being shut downā¦
Then youāre probably not tuned to the same frequency. And that dissonance, over time, becomes unbearable.
Theyāre not a bad person. Theyāre not unloving or uncaring. Theyāre just not your person.
Different radio stations arenāt evilātheyāre just not playing the same genre. And you donāt have to keep screaming into static and calling it love.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE š
Great news. You don’t have to settle.
Your Twin Flame is the one whose soul mirrors yours exactly. Theyāre not āgood enoughāātheyāre you. They meet you on the frequency of your truth. They challenge your illusions. They help you ascendānot through force, but through presence. And itās a whole different world.
So if youāre reading this and wondering why your āperfectly goodā relationship still leaves you empty, confused, or unseenā¦ I want you to know youāre not crazy. Youāre not ungrateful. Youāre not asking for too much. Youāre just starting to tune into the truth. āļøāš„
If you canāt spread your wings around someoneā¦ how can you ever truly fly? šŖ½
Keep choosing you. Keep returning to your frequency. Keep pouring love on the places you once abandoned. And trustāyouāre not meant to settle. Youāre meant to soar. šļø
(I’m hearing Bill Murray in Scrooged- “I’m back! I can see now!” š)
Iāve missed this space. Iāve missed us.
Over the past year and a half since my last public post, Iāve done a lot of deep work, the brave workāstepping more fully into my voice, my divinity, and my healing.
What started as intentional ascension through twin flame awareness, trauma recovery, divorce, and nervous system rewiring has blossomed into a life aligned with unshakeable peace and clarity.
āØ What Iāve learned and celebrated so far:
Rooted out complex trauma, healed wounds, and redefined worth as God gave it to me.
I’ve walked through divorce with integrity and grace, and I’ve emerged in easeāin body, mind, and spirit.
I’ve established energetic sovereignty: boundaries that honor me, relationships that uplift, and a restored alignment with Godās love.
I’ve forgiven myself and others. Set free from old identity loops.
I’ve Chosen heaven.
What Iām coming back to share:Ā
š My ongoing healing process and how that affects my life, relationships, and my life purpose.
ā¤ļøāš„The Twin Flame journeyāyou know Iāll speak the truth on soul mirrors, ascension triggers, and sacred union. ā¤ļø Relationship dynamicsāhow to love deeply, without losing yourself. šļø Emotional + energetic healing toolsāIām sharing more about MAP, the Mirror Exercise, nervous system recalibration, and practices that worked for me. šSpiritual integrationāreconnecting with Divine Self in everyday life, grounded in unconditional Love and Godās grace.
Whatās coming next:
Blog series: Signature essays on love, loss, ascension, and emerging awareness.
YouTube shorts and videos: talking about my insights on love, God, and life
Community connection: More Q&A, invited questions, reader reflections.
Letās build this journey together.
Want to see specific stories or topics covered? Have questions about your Twin Flame path, or how to heal trauma without losing your joy? Drop me a message, comment below, or connect with me via my link tree.
It’s been about 180 days since I started on my intentional ascension path. (I say intentional because I think I always have been, we all are. Just now, I’m CHOOSING it).
When I started, I didn’t even know what ascension meant. I mean, I know what the word means. But I didn’t know what it meant for me.
I write about this here. But, more important is today.
This is a healing journey first and foremost. I am a healer. I’ve always been a healer. I love people and I want to share the truth because I want people to be set free.
I matter š¦
In the spring of 2014, almost a year after I was fired from my favorite job working with my favorite person, I was prophesized over. While praying in a small group at a women’s retreat, my friend’s friend, Carol, who I had never met, began singing in tongues. My friend Gina, translated. Carol kept saying “healer, counselor, healer”. When we finished praying (and crying), Gina said that God was calling me to become a counselor.
Me… š³š„¹
Less than a month later Liberty University called me saying they received an inquiry from me (I didn’t submit an inquiry š ). I hadn’t told anyone I was considering going back to school. It was like a teeny tiny idea. But, they had me on the phone, we talked about my vision for the world, and they said “you’d be a perfect fit for our marriage and family therapy program”. Three months later I started my master’s program at Liberty University.
I was in a LOT of emotional pain back then. I knew I was called to do MORE with my life, but I didn’t know what, how, or when. God knew though. God made a way.
He always makes a way.
My 3.5 year master’s journey was also a self healing journey. All that healing took me out of our shabby home on an off ramp and brought me to the rural suburbs. My vibration increased as I healed and I attracted wealth. Not just money. But a priceless relationship – with my supervisor who is a sage of his own kind (and very very much reminds me of my spiritual teacher and my twin flame ā¤ļøāš„). I attracted a neighborhood that is peaceful and safe. I also attracted A LOT of clients on the same journey as me. They made me the therapist I am today and I’m forever grateful š„°
The purpose of ascension is to heal the consciousness and “ascend” closer to God and all that God is. You can achieve some levels of higher vibration without really knowing you’re doing it just by pursuing more. God’s wealth and abundance are limitless and if you desire more, you can remove the blocks to achieve whatever you want. This is what the “overnight success” story is… The intentional purification of your consciousness to align with your desires. Believing you deserve more and allowing yourself to receive it. š¦
You and God are ONE. If you have a desire it’s because God gave it to you. (You have to think about this deeply, not surface-ly, God is not a vicious careless uncompassionate God).
This is why I was able to achieve what I did. Because I purified parts of my consciousness which drew me closer to God and this manifested in the 3D as new home, new town, new relationships, new opportunities.
But I held on to old parts which kept me conflicted, strained, stressed, depressed, small. And repeating some of the same patterns.
This applies to all relationships š
I’m now ascending ON PURPOSE. Which is a much more intense journey – the pruning and perfecting can be painful at times, especially when I resist feeling my feelings and letting go of old patterns.
In the past 180 days I’ve been intentionally purging my consciousness of everything that is out of alignment with God.
The most important part of this process is to understand Who God Is and let go of every belief and idea that isn’t God. I had a LOT of misaligned beliefs about God.. lots of rotten fruit to be shaken out of my tree so I could begin to bear more fruit.
This is the process of ascension, of making a full 180. You can do it too! We all belong in God’s kingdom. He has a very special plan and process for you, too š
I’ve been doing this work for 6 months and it’s time to fully release all the gunk and embrace all the good. Worthiness and unforgiveness kept me stuck in the old and as a result I was experiencing a LOT of contrast and negativity. Basically, the universe was screaming at me… LET IT GO KITTY!!!
I thought “let it go” meant let go of everything I want. Nope. It doesn’t. I’m done believing that lie.
Let it go means…
Let go of scarcity, poverty, lack.
Let go of guilt, shame, and condemnation.
Let go of self punishment.
Let go of powerlessness and smallness.
Let go of weakness, depression, sadness, anxiety, and worry.
Let go of my trauma story; let go of feeling unlovable.
Let go of willfulness, trying, pining, chasing, controlling.
Let go of emotional chaos and emotional immaturity, explosiveness, demandingness, emotional intensity.
Let go of provoking and passive aggressiveness and anger.
Let go of these immature patterns that aren’t serving me. These patterns are not of God. And now that I’m pursuing God with my whole heart, there’s no room for these things. If I try to hold on to them, even subconsciously, God will not allow it and I will experience negative consequences- and I have! This is God’s way of loving me, loving us.
Heaven on earth has boundaries, too. ā¤ļøāš„
I’m still healing but I’ve made HUGE strides because of the healing, learning, and growing I’ve done in my ascension school and with my ascension coach at Twin Flames Universe.
Side note – if you still think it’s a cult or you think I can’t discern properly lol, that’s your own stuff and I encourage you to work through it using the mirror exercise AND read their media statement. That’s all I’m going to say about that because entertaining fear and doubt isn’t a game I’m playing anymore šļø I’m intelligent, discerning, and very protective of my heart, mind, time, and resources. I had to work through doubt and fear too and stop projecting it onto other people ā¤ļø it’s safe to trust Love.
So, with that said! ā¤ļøāš„š„šš„³ššš„
And it’s time to celebrate my success. It’s time to celebrate my 180! š¦
Through the help of my teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, my coach Michaila, my MAP practitioner Christie, the TFU community, and my ascension buddies, I have successfully…
Healed Complex PTSD and childhood sexual abuse trauma. Yes, it’s healed. š¦
Divorced, grieved, and now live in peace with my exhusband. We coparent beautifully and naturally. We respect each other and coexist as friendly Divine children of God. š¦
Made over 7k since January by purging unneeded items. I did this by valuing myself and thus, this energy went into my things. I see myself as valuable thus my stuff is valued š¦
Unenmeshed myself emotionally and financially from my ex and I now manage my own finances. I am working on getting my own loans, housing, health insurance, etc. I am becoming an adult. This is probably one of the most humbling things to admit. I was completely dependent on Bryce. Towards the end I couldn’t make any decisions on my own. I didn’t even like to make a phone call. I now have freedom, my own resources, and 50% of weekends to myself to do what I want. If you’re a mom, you get how valuable this time is. Divorce has been an incredible gift! š¦
I have restored multiple strained/estranged relationships. I’ve even talked to my dad a few times (we didn’t speak for 10 years). I don’t desire a close relationship with him because he’s not safe, but I feel at peace with our relationship. This is true for all my relationships, actually. I’ve completely lost contact with a few that were not healthy, I’ve established inner boundaries with ones I desire to keep in contact with, and I’ve acquired a whole community of unconditionally loving friends and people who truly want the best for me, who are also pursuing God with their whole heart. This is a very big deal to me. I’ve always wanted this. š¦
And lastly, but not leastly, I’m healing my relationship with God, Jesus, and the church. 6 months ago I had a LOT of hurt and anger towards the church. I’ve felt my feelings and released the pain and upset. I understand that people only give what they know and understand. No one intentionally tried to hurt me. We all have a responsibility to “be above reproach” but most don’t really know what that means. And that’s okay. That’s their journey. They can only harm me if I allow them, and I did. And now, I’m not. I choose to see everyone as a divine child of God, on their own journey to Love. š¦
I now understand that I am One with God. I am not separate from him. š¦
I own all of my feelings and upsets. I’ve stopped projecting onto other people, I’ve stopped blaming others for my suffering. I’m responsible for my healing.
š¦
And, I’ve healed and continue to heal communication. My twin flame and I are not in communication and won’t be in physical communication as long as I’m harboring unforgiveness, anger, and acting from a place of emotional immaturity and explosiveness. I’ve healed and I’m healing passive aggressiveness, manipulation, coercion, willfulness, and the pattern where I provoke, control, demand, and become vitriolic. This is humbling to admit but it’s the truth. In my deepest darkest parts and pain, I have not been very loving or kind. I was this way to others because I was this way to myself. I choose to forgive myself, surrender this toxic pattern, and communicate with myself and others from a place of compassion, gentleness, grace, and Love.
I am no longer unloving to myself. Feels pretty good š„°š¦
Scripture says over and over that we are forgiven. This is not something we will experience in heaven. We are already IN heaven if we choose to be. You get to choose whether you experience heaven or hell, right now.
I choose heaven. I am free. I am forgiven. I am a new creation! š¦
I’m able to make a 180 because I realize now that I am in complete control of my life, my self. No one’s going to do it for me or even with me. I have lots and lots of support but because I’ve called in all of Me, my Divine Self, NO ONE is going to or has enabled me to stay small.
For this, I am eternally grateful.
Amen amen amen. I choose this. š¦
Thank you for journeying with me. I’ve only just begun! š¦
This post talks about some of my suicidal thoughts. If you are triggered by or upset by these kinds of thoughts, please do not read. If you read and do become upset, that’s normal and okay! Please reach out to someone you trust. You can always reach out to me, too. ā¤ļø
September is suicide awareness month. It also happens to be my birthday month. (yes I get a whole month. Deal šš).
For my birthday this year, I’m asking for donations to 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Facebook offers these easy ways to donate money around your birthday time. I’ve seen some become really successful! I’m hoping this blog post will motivate readers to find compassion in their hearts for people like me. There’s more than you can imagine. Currently, we have a 13 year old kiddo who has come into our life who experiences suicidal ideation daily.
SI is often met with judgement. I’m going to strongly challenge you, if you are prone to judgement, in regards to suicide or otherwise, that YOU indeed are part of the problem.
I’m judgmental too. It’s really hard not to be. We are analytical humans, always trying to understand our world and the people in it. Some of us are even professional judgers! (Hint: therapists, pastors, doctors, anyone who works in human services… We are trained to judge.)
It’s time to FLUSH our judgments. Flush em all. Like seriously, all of them.
Blue cat=judgementalness
I have experienced suicidal ideation on and off for most of my adult life. I don’t mind talking about it except that many many people think that those who have SI are “attention seeking” and wildly, irresponsibly, and overly emotional. I’ll tell ya one thing- it sure sucks to be judged when you already feel like a burden.
That’s what my SI has said to me.
You’re a burden. You’re unlovable. You annoy people, frustrated them, no one understands you because you’re broken, you’re sinful.
Your heart is deceitful, it lies. Your heart has hurt everyone you love. Your love is like death. Your thoughts and needs drive the people you love crazy.
You’re too much.
You exhaust everyone around you. The world would be better off without your crazy mind, misplaced emotions, and inability to function like the rest of us. You’re hurting everyone. Your children deserve better.
Your death would open up space for someone to do better. Someone who understands how people are supposed to be. You don’t understand. You shouldn’t BE.
I could never actively take my life. But I have passively wished for it to end more times than I can count.
The quiet and often solitude experience of suicidal thoughts is enough to drain years off a life and overall diminish a person’s quality of life. Imagine carrying these thoughts around with you. Imagine thinking that no one actually cares. The world must keep spinning, right? After all, everyone has to work, sleep, watch their TV shows, scroll their phones…
No one has time for your whiney bullshit, Kitty. No one should have to stop their life to help you feel loved. Who TF do you think you are?
Suicidal thoughts are obviously lies.
Sadly, ALL of us who experience them experience them as TRUTH. And, go looking for evidence, you’ll find it. People think the world is flat for heaven’s sake. It’s not that far of a stretch to believe you’re a burden when the people in your life literally don’t call or text back.
Oy.
I don’t want sympathy. Empathy would be nice- if you really care you can ask what my SI experience is like for me. You can ask me why I have thoughts like this. You can ask me what you can do in those moments and then follow through. (Hint: it’s not much. Just hugs mostly.)
Suicide is heavy. Talking about it takes some of the shame out of it. Talking about it empowers others who haven’t healed yet to talk about it. I’m not 100% healed but I’m better than I was two days ago, two months ago, two years ago.
If talking about suicide makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay! That’s normal. Feel free to say that; be honest about your feelings. Try not to avoid talking about it though. Avoidance is the fuel for suicidal thoughts.
Try to imagine what it would be like to feel suicidal. Ask your suicidal friend what it’s like for them. Hold lots of space. No need to fix it.
The best thing you can do is slow down. Be present. Be available.
If a friend calls and is upset…MAKE space. If you can’t make space, you don’t know how to love. If you have a hair cut scheduled, reschedule it. If you made plans to go out with a buddy, ask for a rain check. If you’re at work, ask for a mental health hour. If you’re in the middle of dinner with your family, quietly excuse yourself. PEOPLE will understand. And if they don’t, are they really your kind of people?
Facebook takes care of the donation processing with no fees. My goal is $390 for my 39th birthday. A $39 donation is enough of a birthday gift for me ā¤ļø Thank you for caring about other people.
Empathy. Vulnerability. Safety.
Let them tell their story.
If you’re not able or willing to do this hard task, that’s okay. Talking is hard, listening is even harder. Just donate money and help save lives. Tell your friend to call 988. There are lots of people like me out there who feel unloved, worthless, like a burden. Your donation will communicate to them that their life is worth living… That YOU want THEM to stay alive.
Screenshot to donate, use your image search š
We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention crisis line available to anyone in the U.S. in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 988, the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in our national network of crisis centers. You can also text 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org. The 988 Lifeline is a program funded by SAMHSA and run by Vibrant Emotional Health, a 501(c)(3) organization. Your donation will go to Vibrant Emotional Health to support the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline and other programs and services administered by Vibrant.
I’m in a weird state of having so much to say and nothing to say at all. Most of what I want to say is not ready for public consumption. It’s not time yet.
I’m learning to be okay with TIME. I’ve always struggled with the concept of time. Am I alone in this? I think it must be because at our core, we are not time-bound creatures. We have a body and a mind that are tied to time, but we are SOULS, which are not bound by time. For whatever reason, my soul seems to reject the essence of time more than others seem to struggle. I rarely pay attention to the clock. I don’t wear a watch. I’m often late….and I often don’t leave when I “should”. (My husband and I have been known to help turn the lights off after church lol).
I tend to pay attention to my body and the energy in and around me in making many of my decisions that involve time. Obviously, this approach can’t be applied everywhere like when showing up for class or boarding a plane. I’m thankful my husband keeps better track of time than I do… but we’re known for “oh, they’re on Martin time”. (Our eldest child is the WORST lol) see: snail.
It also doesn’t help that my childhood experiences made it difficult for me to get anywhere on time.
Something I’ve learned in my healing journey and as a trauma-informed therapist is that trauma gets stuck in our bodies if we don’t heal it. How this manifests then is that when our ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) gets activated (or triggered) we, usually without conscious awareness or choice- fight, flight, freeze, or fawn and we usually revert back to the age/developmental stage in which we were traumatized and how our ANS learned to cope at that time. This is why we have 50 something-year-olds having temper tantrums (think road rage) like a 4 year old. Something happened at that developmental stage that they never healed.
For me, one of the reasons I don’t do well with time is because my parenting situation was inconsistent. My parents separated when I was 4? and they never lived together after that (thank you JESUS- more on this later). But of course as a 4+ year old, who didn’t know her father was unstable, all I wanted was to be with him. He was the “fun” parent. Also, my brother and I didn’t see my dad for a year after they separated; we moved from California to Pennsylvania without him. My mom did an awesome job at facilitating this difficult co-parenting arrangement but still, I never knew when I was going to see him. He was not well, not consistent, and in a word, irresponsible. I developed an anxious attachment in part because of this.
Kids thrive on routine and predictability. Some kids may have developed an anxious approach to time. I developed an ambivalent approach to time. I know this was likely necessary for survival or just seemed ‘normal’ to me as a small person. (Just like an anxious approach is, too.) I’m sure there are many reasons that I have difficulty waiting and difficulty managing time. But I think this is one significant facet of my time bomb lol. I’m also like my mother who, as I remember, struggled with timeliness š (sorry for outing you mom :)) My dad is definitely not the type that is bound by most social constructs so…bottom line…I come by it honestly.
How my difficulty with time has manifested in my adulthood is….interesting. I’m not type A really (what are the other types? haha) so I don’t have that anal retentive personality type that is hyper focused on time, structure, order, “respect”. My motto- ‘I’ll get there when I get there. If you don’t want me late then I’ll go home. I probably didn’t want to come anyway.’ HA!
I understand that my indifference towards time pisses some people off. Trust me, I KNOW. I’ve heard aaaalllll about it. I know time-sensitive people often can and do feel like I’m being disrespectful of them and their time. I know they probably think, ‘all you care about is yourself, Kitty’. Ouch. This certainly is not my intention, to hurt or upset people by being untimely. My intention is actually centered in attending to the needs of each moment instead of freaking out about being late or doing things by/on a certain time. This of course get more complicated when you have children.
It wasn’t until an old friend freaked out on me for being 10 minutes late to something that I got my butt better in gear, especially on being ‘on time’.
My mindset is not at all like a time-minded person’s mindset so my first thought when someone’s late isn’t “how rude” or something of that nature. In fact, I’m more likely to think, “they must have got caught up in something, I can wait” and because I know I often get caught up in something, I give lots of grace. Afterall, is the thing THAT important? (Sometimes it is. I’m (usually) on time for those things :))
When someone stays late my mindset isn’t “they need to go”. It’s usually something like “they must really need this time together”… and because I’m flexible with my time, I’m able to serve them in that way.
I know, I know- you time-minded people are squirming in your seats. I get it. I’m muuuuch better at arriving on time than I used to be. Here’s where I still struggle….
I crave deep connection. There are a few people on this planet that I can and do get lost in space with. It’s like our souls connect and they go off dancing among the stars. Before I know it, it’s 5am. I’m energized, alive, and so full– I’m overflowing. I can get 3 hours of sleep and attack the day ahead with joy and vigor- no problem. I’ll just catch up on sleep later. Unfortunately, not everyone is like me… haha… and even though their soul seems to enjoy the dance… they can’t just “lock the door and leave the world outside” all day every day. Sigh… won’t heaven be great for people like me?
All of this to say… I have a lot to say. But, I’m taking my time, respecting others’ time requests, and waiting on God’s timing. NONE of these things come naturally to me, admittedly. So, feel free to say ‘atta girl’.
If you’re a chronically late person or someone who also struggles with time constraints, I hope this post helps you know you’re not alone. To cope, I have crafted a life that allows me to be a bit more flexible, to move at my own pace. I have also crafted a life that forces me to be time-bound in my work. That structure is helping me repair some childhood wounds that inevitably created my difficulty with respecting this unnatural boundary. It also helps me be in relationship with people who are time-sensitive.
And for those of you reading that are a fan of time, please know that people like me are not trying to be disrespectful. In fact, we’re likely doing the opposite. We are slow and gentle with a crying child, we will get out of our car and help a turtle cross the road, we’ll stay the extra 20… or hour…. to help clean up and make sure your soul feels safe. We stop and smell the roses, say hello to a neighbor, feel the breeze in our hair, and we’re the ones who make the special moments last.
I will suck every ounce of precious time out of every sweet moment. We only get a few that are actually worth living for… might as well make them last as long as possible ā¤
This blog thingy is interesting. I already have posts scheduled out to Sunday but this one feels like it needs to come out today. Itās becoming more and more clear to me what is actually going on with me and while I started this blog to tell my big secret, itās also helping me peel back all the layers of this onion. Or cake…or parfaitā¦everyone loves parfaits.
I sure hope someone gets my jokes and movie quotesā¦
Last night my husband and I went out for ice cream. The kids are at my in-laws, my request, or plea, rather, and so weāve had a few very wide open days to talk, run and grab lunch, basically do whatever we want. Itās ā¦. nice? Itās interestingā¦ thatās for sure.
So we went for ice cream and while we were out I was unpacking all kinds of emotional shit. Which brought me to this statement: āHave I talked to you about my thoughts about work?ā He replied with a statement indicating that I indeed had not caught him up on the latest developments of my work related thoughts.
Earlier in the day I was listening to the most recent episode of Glennon Doyleās We Can Do Hard Things Podcast. At the end of the podcast someone suggested to make a list of all the things you feel like you have to do. Then go down through the list and ask yourself, āDo I want to do this?ā āDo I really have to do this?ā Because I process super fast and really without consciously thinking I am, I suppose I got there, at least to one thing that I donāt want to do and I donāt have to do. It at least got me to the point where I was prompted to bring it up to my life partner.
Itās not that cut and dry, though. Being a therapist, for me anyway, comes with a greater joy and responsibility than just going to work for a paycheck. Iām not punching a time clock, I donāt hang out at a water cooler. I canāt waste hours playing mahjong or do any of my work mindlessly. Iām not judging those of you who are able to do any of this! Iāve had jobs like this too. Of course not every moment is wasting time away! But in nearly every job Iāve had, even other human services jobs, in an average 8 hour day there are plenty of opportunities to veg, space out, be careless, mindless, absent.
Not as a private practice, self pay, therapist. I am IN IT. ALL THE TIME. Iām not complaining. I LOVE my job. Itās more than just a job though. Itās a lifestyle. I have to be a certain kind of person, with certain ālevelsā of growth and mindset, and personal/other insight to be one that is pursued and respected in my field. Iām in private practice which means all of my clients come to me either through word of mouth or through Psychology Today. If Iām a shitty therapist, that news is going to travel fast. As it should.
So those questions, what do you have to do and what do you want to do are very very layered and nuanced for me.
Do I have to work? Yesā¦.and noā¦
Do I want to work? Yesā¦.and noā¦
Maybe most people feel this way about their jobs. But unlike me, if Iām not in a good spot mentally, emotionally, spirituallyā itās unethical for me to work. It doesnāt matter how much I want to, how much I āneedā the money, how guilty I feel for not working and all the ripple effects that causes. If at my core I know that I canāt hold safe space for my clients, for whatever reason, I canāt work. Itās unsafe, unethical, dangerous, irresponsible. I know other people have jobs where this is the case. Surgeons, forklift operatorsā¦ There’s lots of us who have jobs where we have to be on our A game nearly 100% of the time. When you work for a company, thereās built in bs time. BS meetings, lunch breaks, scheduled time between meetings, meetings that you can totally skip out on if you have a headache or the poops. When you work for a company, you get paid for those often unplanned 20-40 minute āneed-to-collect-myselfā moments.
If this happens to me as a therapist, in my current work situation, which I do not plan to or want to change, I have to cancel a full session or push through. Sometimes we push through. My therapist was feeling sick the other day- she pushed through. She also asked crappy questions and judged me- which I know wasnāt intended, of course. Still happened.
The problem with being a therapist is that to do a good job and feel good afterward we have to be damn near perfect. And thereās no such thing as perfect. So we hope and pray for clients who remember our humanity and give us lots of graceā¦but we canāt expect this! All my clients pay out of pocket. Can you imagine paying a painter to paint your ceiling and heās having a shitty day and splatters paint everywhere? Would you hire him to come back? Would you refer him to your friends? NO! Most people, especially these days, would be really pissed. We donāt live in a culture that encourages grace.
Nor do I want to expect or need a lot of grace.
Soā¦ this is what asking myself, āwhat do I want, what do I needā has led me to. So MANY PEOPLE do not have the āluxuryā? ability? to do what I NEED to do, right now. I canāt put it off anymore. I need to take time to heal.
I am a therapist but I am also a trauma survivor. My trauma messaging, triggers, and nervous system responses run deep and wide. The Secret revealed to me that while I thought Iāve been dealing and healing the past 10+ yearsā¦ I wasnāt ā¦. not completely. And not enough for me to ethically and safely practice therapy.
Our world does not make it easy to do trauma recovery. As a trauma informed therapist, a passionate trauma-healing focused friend, believer, mother, etc etc etc, I have come to realize that this burden of trauma that I carry in my body, that we all carry in one way or another (think 2020), is just a lot. We are all crumbling.
It doesnāt really matter how much I want to work. It doesnāt really matter if I need to. I canāt.
Iām grateful that God has orchestrated my life and circumstances in such a way that l am actually able to do the trauma and emotional healing work right now that I have not been able to do my whole life. Iāve tried. Iāve been open and conscious and aware of my triggers and how the messaging shows up in most areas of my life. Iāve been in some kind of therapy consistently for the past 10 years. Iāve done lots of work around codependency, PTSD, self-love, and spirituality. Iāve basically devoted every moment of my life over the past 10 years to becoming a better human. But my secret revealed to me that there are deep deep parts of me that are still reacting and if I donāt heal it, I will fuck up. I canāt do that. I wonāt do that to myself or to anyone else.
I need to heal.
Iām grateful for this very public platform. I donāt care who reads or doesnāt read. I know God will put it in the hands of those who need to hear it. Pray with me that he will reveal it to those who need permission to take the space they need to heal.
Thanks for reading ā¤ļø
āWe are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.ā
Keturah Mae Shine 