I’ll just be upfront. It’s going to take a minute for it all to come out. This is a long game, friends. I hope you’ll be patient with me as I work it out. Like every good story, mine has a lot of groundwork to be laid (lain? loin? ha) before I can build my castle. 

In order to get it you have to know how I got here. 

This secret, my secret, was a secret to me until about six weeks ago. It’s not a secret that I’ve kept intentionally. It’s not like I’ve been walking around with a ticking time bomb. I haven’t been worried that someone was going to poke me and I would just explode with it. I thought I dealt with it. I thought ‘it’ was DONE.

I didn’t even know it was there.

Remember, in my last post, Pearls Before Swine, I shared that I’m a very vulnerable person. This is a badge of honor I wear as I believe being authentic and vulnerable in a world of robots is a difficult achievement. 

There’s a bible verse that says, “guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. (Proverbs 4:23) Wellllllll…. Lots of people who have seen me hurting would say, ‘you’re hurting because you’re not guarding your heart, Kitty”. I’ve interpreted this one scripture many different ways. I’ve heard it interpreted many different ways. When said to or about me, usually the message is ‘if you would keep your mouth shut then you wouldn’t say things to the wrong people and then you wouldn’t get hurt.’ After all, I am so easy to misunderstand, right? And no one really cares to hear what I (or anyone ) has to say, right??

Ugh, the messaging and programming we all have to undo. It’s hard work.

This bible verse alone has taken many different variations.

Here are some of my (very POOR) interpretations… Which ones have you believed?

‘Don’t say anything that people don’t want to hear. If you do, they will trample on it’ (look at me incorporating pearls before swine too!)

‘Your heart is where your lust is, so therefore you have to protect the world from your lust, your sin.’

‘Your heart is deceitful, you can’t trust it; you must shield it from the world.’

‘Oh, you feel “x”? That’s because you’re not guarding your heart. You can’t trust your feelings, they lie. So does your heart.’

‘No one will understand your heart so you must protect it from the world.’

‘If you reveal your heart to the wrong person you are responsible for their feelings and ultimately their destruction.’

‘If you share your feelings with the wrong person/people you are responsible for their reaction. If they hurt you in their response to your feelings, it’s your fault. You should have guarded your heart better.’

I think we get it. Even well-meaning Christians, myself included, sometimes have a really warped sense of Scripture. I’m not saying all of my interpretations are 100% wrong. What I am saying though is that these interpretations have really messed me up. As a result, I have taken MY truth and locked it away in the pit of my soul and threw away the key. This is how it became a secret I didn’t know I was keeping. 

I’ve done this before. I will circle back around to this, too.

A while back, one of my favorite people said to me, “you are the most genuine person I’ve ever met”. Prior to this statement, I hadn’t thought of myself as a “genuine person”. In fact, I hadn’t really thought of myself as anything but me. I gathered that being genuine was something he valued, something rare. I still remember this special moment, how I felt so seen and known. After his comment, I began looking around and paying attention to other people… asking myself, ‘isn’t everyone genuine’? Nearly 30 years old and I had never thought that people would be anything but their real self. Funny how our own ‘self’ shapes how we see the world. Unlucky for me, I quickly and have endlessly realized how disingenuous most people are. I also quickly realized how REAL I am… you get what you see, folks… There are no surprises here.  

Genuine. Authentic. Vulnerable. Real.  These are words I have learned to use to describe myself since that dear friend of mine put a name to WHO I am. He helped me to see…me. What a gift.

“Well…well…well… how the turntables.” – Michael Scott (Office fans, anyone?)

All this was at least true until I realized that it wasn’t…………oh how the mighty have fallen.

I have a secret that I’ve kept burrowed deep deep down inside of me until well…. yeah, it exploded. Those who know me well, and those who have been paying attention to my social media have probably picked up on the hints I’ve dropped by asking for prayer and other things that I’ve been sharing here and there because well, I’ve been oozing with it. I have literally felt pain in my heart from all this love and grief and hope and lies and joy and soul crushing sadness. 

Oh, I wish it was easy to explain. It’s not, hence why I’m here… writing this blog… my whole truth for the world to see because it just has to be known. I have to say it. I feel called to do this and I truly believe that God has prepared and equipped and continues to give me everything I need to do this.

Thanks for being patient with me. 

Honest. Kind. Shine.