Tag: selfcare
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The end of last week was pretty rough. In a matter of a few minutes all this shit came flying at my face. And I had to keep my cool because I had a client coming in like 2 minutes.
You ever experience this? Someone drops some bombs or hurts your feelings or looks at you the wrong way and it infiltrates your mind for the next 25… hours?
I know I’m not alone here.
In case you’re not caught up, I’m on a pretty wild and amazing spiritual journey. Some days I’m feeling GREAT. I’m feeling and giving all the love… I feel light, I’m playing, singing, dancing… Today is one of those days. ❤️🔥
Thursday last week was… Not.
I tend to have days like this often enough that I remember that I have days like this. Like where nothing goes my way. Before ascension school I would just blow up or give up… Go to bed. I’d probably manifest a migraine so I’d have an “excuse” to take care of myself and rest. Oy… Not a healthy place to be!
My day would just spiral out of control and I’d be done for before lunch time. I’m not embarrassed to admit this because I know this is a very human experience. Upset after upset after upset. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
When I met my twin flame, we had a fairly long series of amazing days. My marriage may have been… dead… but work…. It was divine. That’s what your twin does to your life when you meet. Everything is perfect. The shared energy is heavenly. Your inner child comes out to play. Everything is beautiful, simple, sweet… Until it’s not. Most people are familiar with a “honeymoon phase” in relationships… The same thing happens to twin flames… But it’s better 😍
Sadly, no one really knows anything about twin flames and how these upsets cause SO MUCH PAIN and distress. And no one teaches us how to deal with upsets! This would have been nice especially for someone like me…who has big feels, gets easily defensive, and a bit self righteous 😬 like how am I supposed to work through all of my upsets!!!!!
I have plenty of “skills”. I’ve done it all. Out of desperation (and exhaustion) I learned how to stuff and tough (lol I just made that up). TBH, none of the skills worked. Prayer with a heavy dose of surrender was probably the most effective. I could stomach letting go but my feelings still hurt.
I’m a recovering hoarder of hurt feelings.
So, because I had no place to go with my hurt feelings, I learned to bitch. Whine. Complain. Vent. Vent to everyone. I got 5 friends on speed dial and with particularly juicy upsets I’d make sure they all heard about it.
This is what I did this past weekend 😬
Last thursday was just a manifestation of my former life. I was out of touch with my body, moving too fast and not taking breaks. In my former life, I lost touch with my Good (God), entered into a 10+ year state of pain and punishment and separation, which resulted in a pretty miserable and bitchy Kitty. I wouldn’t have known or admitted that during those 10 years… But hindsight…
It got so bad over the past couple years that someone called me “vitriolic”. I was seeing narcissists everywhere. “Everyone’s a narcissist”… This is what I realized was my prominent thought in my work and in life and I felt so out of whack!!! My vision was fading and my outlook was bleak. I KNEW in my heart that something was up with me.
As they say, garbage in, garbage out, and misery loves company. I never intended to become an angry complaining gossip machine… But as the sad years passed… That’s what happened. I was almost constantly upset… Pointing fingers at everyone.
Ascension School and Twin Flames Universe have given me the priceless miracle of the mirror exercise which has been helping me heal SO MUCH. But… Because I asked God to give me the fast track, He lovingly pushed me straight outta the nest and I very predictably returned to my natural state of…. flailing. LoL.
The really cool thing is that when we make a choice to be different, to surrender and transcend our childish ways, God will not let us fall back into old patterns easily! PTL!
But, here I was, on my ascension path, bitching. Wahh wahh wahh. And surprise surprise, I felt like shit. I didn’t like where my mind was going, I was full of worry, doubt, anxiety, anger, and vitriol…. The pain in my chest returned, I manifested a stomach ache that night and the next morning… I woke up with this sucker attached to me!
Can I panic yet?
No worries… I’m fine. Prophylactic antibiotics for the win!
What’s important here is the spiritual lesson. I shared these events with my ascension group (I also shared an outburst and some pretty massive upheaval 😬😅), and asked if they had any insight into the significance of the tick.
Because dear reader, there are NO coincidences. And like who gets a tick in January….?….
Well… One said, “the gut feeling I have is that something is sucking your life source”.
Oh, I could blame everyone else. But the truth is…. It was me. I was sucking my life source.
I already had a little insight into this but, God is good and he really loves me and wants me to not miss a very important lesson….
The lesson is…
STOP IT.
Stop venting Kitty. Just stop. Stop calling up or getting together with all your friends and wahh wahh wahh.
Venting is fine, good, even necessary. We MUST feel our feelings, all of them. Stuffing them is not the answer. Vomiting them all over everyone is not the answer either.
As I grow spiritually, my choices, my behavior, my mind is becoming purified. Can you even imagine Jesus sitting around bitching about this thing, that person, blah blah? No!!!
The goal is purification.
The goal is perfection.
Not the kind of perfection that feels controlling. But the kind of perfection that is inspired through God’s goodness and strength. The kind of perfection that sets me free from the behaviors that have sucked out my life source. This kind of perfection is not forced. It’s the natural result of alignment. Of Christ consciousness.
I don’t need to engage in old behaviors. I have new skills, a higher vibration that can not tolerate endless venting and no peace. I was sucking the peace and love out of me by running my mouth. 🤐
Tonight while meditating I got a horrific image of a car hitting Anna. Using the ME, I realized that I’m afraid of taking myself out. Of smashing into myself and blasting me off my path. My healing process revealed that 1) that’s not possible if I’m choosing to keep going. God won’t allow anything to side swipe me. The only way I’ll fail is if I CHOOSE to give up. And 2) if I try to move too fast I won’t notice the signs that I’m out of alignment. Meaning, if I jump from person to person, house to house and vent about the same thing, the busyness will keep me from being able to feel my body saying “SLOW DOWN and FEEL your FEELINGS”. I’ve been running running running for most of my life. The only time I ever allowed myself to be present with my body and feel my feelings was when I gave birth to my three babies and all the sweet slow moments with my beautiful twin flame 🔥
So, now, instead of running in circles, I choose to remember who the fuck I am and stay in my Good. No one has the power to tear me down unless I give it to them. No more. I’m done with that shit. I deserve peace. I deserve my Good. I’m done with my childish ways.
Today I choose to receive the gift of the tick. The blood sucking reminder to “beat the drum” of love, not upset.
Because this is how the law of attraction works. Do I want love? Yes. Am I going to get it by venting, bitching, whining, complaining??? No.
Moral of the story…
What I put out, I get back.
Thank you God for being OBVIOUS ❤️🔥
Abe can teach you more about how “beating the drum” works here ❤️🔥
“The longer you hold yourself in vibrational discord with who you really are, the more vivid the discord becomes”. Translation… Kitty was so out of alignment with WHO she TRULY is that a blood sucking TICK had to tell her that! 😅
Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
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Busy rewriting my story with God but can’t leave y’all hanging!!! Everything you need to know about twin flames you’ll find in this teaching…
I’m not getting paid to say this. The only good that comes to me is knowing that I’m sharing the Truth and that you, dear reader, are reading it. This work has changed my life. I’m healing pain and trauma in days that I’ve spent YEARS in therapy for (and I’m a therapist!!! If I was lying I’d be advocating to put myself out of business lol) I believe in this work and in this process ❤️🔥 it’s so Divine. It’s so Good.
And you deserve your Good.
Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
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As I wake up and shake off the dust, I’m finding myself again. I’m remembering who I am.
I’m finding my light.
I’ve written a lot about why I am the way I am, or, the way I was. Or, who I’m unbecoming. I do this because I never did. Write about it, that is. Or talk about it for that matter.
One of my core upsets is feeling misunderstood or unheard.
Silence has tortured me so much of my life. You want to punish me? Just stop talking to me. Pretend like I don’t exist. Anyone else feel this?
Ironically, God gave me an exhusband who stonewalled me for the majority of 15 years, a father who didn’t talk to me for ten years, family that never asks meaningful questions or listens deeply, friends who thought I was fine when I definitely wasn’t fine, a friend of 30 years who didn’t speak to me for the last two, and a Love, my twin…who didn’t speak to me for five long horrible years.
That’s a LOT of fucking silence.
(And Contrast… (Another blog post coming soon…))
Thanks to the mirror exercise, I now understand why everyone is silent. I now understand why I’ve suffered SO MUCH.
Because…. for most of my life… I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t hear myself. I didn’t talk to myself. I didn’t understand myself.
I didn’t listen to myself when my insides screamed “run away!” and I laid there, paralyzed. I didn’t listen to myself when my soul wanted to end my marriage ten years ago but I chose to listen to everyone else, my mind, my fear, my ego instead. I didn’t listen to myself…the part of me who was SO IN LOVE with another man…I didn’t listen to her. I silenced her. I denied her. I tried to forget her. I tried to kill her in my mind. I tried to kill my soul.
I didn’t understand myself when I was a silenced kid carrying the weight of the world and didn’t know what to do with it or understand why. Why. Why. I didn’t hear myself crying out for help after every flashback and every nightmare. I didn’t understand myself and why I wanted to die…I didn’t listen to myself. I kept misunderstanding myself. I kept running from myself. I stonewalled myself.
So OF COURSE I would attract more and more situations and people who would keep misunderstanding me. OF COURSE I would keep trying to get people OUTSIDE of me to listen to me… But FAIL and FLAIL because I wasn’t listening to MYSELF.
This feeling of being misunderstood grew and grew especially over the past 5 years or so. God is good and I finally understand why. Because I continued to bury my heart, my truth, my self deeper and deeper. Every day for five years I denied her. I shut her up and I shut her down.
But, she still cried out, “See me, hear me!!!”.
But I buried myself alive.
I could blame everyone else. I want to. I have. You’ve read it. I’ve tried. But no one has shown up on my doorstep and apologized. Even if they did, I’m not even sure it would heal me at the depths of which I feel that pain.
So I write. Because I can. Because I know I’m not the only one. And because I NEED to.
I have 39 years of jumbled up thoughts and pain. Ten years of completely denying myself. A lifetime of completely denying myself of good, of Love.
It’s all coming out now. At first, it wasn’t pretty. I was full of anxiety and panic and desperation. Imagine being buried alive and then one day God takes a shovel and breaks the ground and says “wake up! Come out!”
Writing this now makes me realize that I had my Lazarus moment…. “Lazarus! Come forth!”
“Keturah! Wake up!!!!”
So there she is, my soul, buried six feet under. For the first time in ten years she’s seeing day light again.
My rescue felt like clawing my way out from six feet of packed in dirt. Like tens of thousands of feet had walked on me. It wasn’t pretty. He said I was flailing. Well….I think you might flail too if you realized you were buried alive.
So, I write. I write because I never spoke. Did I say words? Of course I did. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the tendency to be verbose. Especially when I’m anxious. Or when I’m flailing. Or when I’m trying to just survive.
My life is interesting in that the very thing that sets me free is the very thing that hurt me.
My dad is a writer. And an artist. He’s very talented, one of those starving artist and tortured types… Alone, poor, full of dreams but little manifestation. I refused to let that be me. So in my dead days (buried alive) I lost all interest in creating. I didn’t paint. I didn’t draw. I lost my spark. I became lackluster. I never wrote ever, so this is a new creative endeavor for me. And this is why…
All I remember of my dad from my childhood are his aspirations to be an author. He wrote prolifically. He drew pictures to accompany his writing. He was devoted, I’ll give him that. But if you read my earlier posts, you’ll remember that my dad was less than kind to me. And often, that abuse involved his writing.
And because of that, I refuse to become my dad. I refused to write.
The problem is, if I don’t create, I still become him… Full of dreams and no manifestation.
So, when I woke up, I chose to heal it instead continuing to be a victim to it. I healed it by just choosing to do it. For me. To become ME. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I love hearing from people who do read it! But, because I felt forced to stay silent, and then forced myself to stay silent, my noise is now SO LOUD. My healing victory is claiming this for myself and trusting that God will put it in the path of those who need to read it.
When I decided to start a blog, I was terrified. I knew I had a secret and I knew I was supposed to tell it. Torn between doing what’s best for me and what everyone else wants, I was brought to my knees. God said to my soul… They need to hear it. They will read it.
Who is they? I’m still finding out. People come out.of.the.woods. to tell me how much this resonates. How they read me telling their story. Good. I’m glad ❤️. Thankfully, I don’t need validation anymore. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m good or that I’m okay or that I’m making good decisions. I just CHOOSE to believe the God in me who says, “you’re perfect. It’s perfect. Your heart is beautiful. Shine your light baby girl. Say what you need to say”. So, if you’re reading and it helps you, Thank God. Because he told me to. I just listened. Thankfully, it helps me too ❤️🔥
So I guess I’m a writer. This is part of who I am now. This is how I choose to heal. And I’ll keep healing. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep digging up the dirt, keep digging out of my grave, until I find all my light, all my good, and all my treasure. ❤️🔥
Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
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Listening to Landslide by Judah and the Lion (a Fleetwood Mac remake- better imo 😬) and contemplating the last 39 years of my life. If you take a listen I think you’ll get a window into my life, as it is and as it’s been.
The lyrics are just… almost too much to bear without filling a bucket of tears.
Took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain, then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me downOh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
Well, I’m getting older too…10 years ago I made a commitment to someone I love that I would climb ‘our mountain’…. and then I turned around….and then the landslide brought me down.
I’ve always struggled with my relationships with men. It’s a bit dark? deep? to talk about this on my birthday but it’s what’s on my heart…
I’ve shared here and there that I have a complex relationship with my father. Come this December it will be 10 years since we’ve had any interaction.
About ten years ago, someone close to me contacted me- she was very concerned. She shared that my dad had messaged one of her daughters in the middle of the night (she was a very young teenager at the time) and the message made her feel really uncomfortable. This person close to me was aware of my dad’s history (I’ll share below) and asked me to talk to my dad about his behavior. She wanted to call the police. The interaction was obviously concerning and compelled me to address my dad. I had just turned 29 when I had to have this conversation with my DAD.
What is your relationship with your dad like? Does he respect the boundaries and innocence of you, your friends, others? Does he call you on your birthday? Does he allow you to have your own special moments?
Bryce has allowed me to witness what a good father looks like. I’m grateful.
My father was not a good father.
Don’t get me wrong, we had some good moments.
My dad was the fun parent. He was like us kids, loved to play video games, listen to music, be silly. My dad is an artist, an author- he’s very very talented. He loves psychology, science, and philosophy. He’s incredibly intelligent. Emotional. Deep. Pensive. Creative. Expressive…
Sound familiar?
I haven’t wanted to be but the truth is…I am so much like my dad.
I have wanted to deny this, run from it, not admit it. Because I was afraid. Afraid if I expressed myself fully I would turn into him, or even worse- be accused of things he’s done. My dad doesn’t live by the “rules”. Even to this day the way he lives is life is outside of what’s considered “normal”. He’s not a productive member of society.
My dad was never held accountable for what he did to me. He was never held accountable for the many many ways he made so many of my friends uncomfortable by making me/them the object of his sick desires.
The fucking hard thing is…I love my dad. I miss him. I want to have a relationship with a father. And I don’t. I can’t. He’s toxic and dangerous. I must protect myself and my daughter. He will never ever have any kind of access to her because he’s an abuser.
This is very hard to write.
I have been conditioned to “respect my mother and father” and I think they and most people would prefer if I didn’t air my dirty laundry (and the alternative is???? let it stink up my house???)
Childhood abuse makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to admit that their own father was both the object of their love and also their destruction.
How awful and confusing that is. I was just a little girl. I had no voice. I had no one to protect me. No one knew. I didn’t talk about it for TEN YEARS.
Apparently I’m good at keeping secrets for a decade 😦
My mom didn’t know. No one knew. No one knew what he did to me. And I’m not going to write it here because it’s just….awful.
But I will say this…. because of who he is, how he objectified me and every little girl he had access to, he made me not trust myself. He made me detach my mind from my brain. He traumatized me. He robbed me of my innocence.
He refuses to take ownership and be held accountable for his actions which is why I have severed him from my life. I’m not happy about it. I’m not over here celebrating the fact that my dad is a pedophile. It is the worst family secret that could ever exist. Imagine having to hold that in your heart and mind your whole life.
I was never given a space to talk about it, to heal. I can’t even count how many people have said, “it make you stronger”, “he did his best”, “maybe if you…”, “you need to forgive”… I don’t think people understand how hurtful statements like this are. So many people have implied that it was somehow my fault, my responsibility. If you’ve EVER thought anything like this about a victim of childhood abuse (or any abuse, for that matter) YOU are part of the problem and have blood on your hands.
It wasn’t my fault.
The 1990s weren’t trauma informed or kid-positive so my brain just did it’s best to figure out how to deal.
As a result I have ongoing trauma triggers, flashbacks, unwanted memories, and I’ve had LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of confusion and heartache around parenting, love, sex, my body, and MEN.
My mom never dated or remarried so I virtually had no positive male role models in my life, especially before I was 16. I had a grandfather and a few uncles, but we weren’t close in a way that I needed. It’s not their fault. In today’s other post I share how much I crave intimacy- being seen, known, and loved. For at least 10 years (probably 10-20 years old) the darkest and most devastating part of my life was unseen and unknown by anyone but me…and him. Secrets are intimate. These kind of secrets are killers. Killers of mind, body, and soul. It’s a freaking miracle that my life has gone the way it has. Someone must have really been praying for me, looking out for me. Apparently her name was Elaine ❤
The landslide lyrics are tough to hear but also so healing.
I have built my life around four different men, trying to find love, trying to find wholeness and healing. Some people get lucky and do find healing in their relationships. I actually think that’s how it’s supposed to be. We are built for community. Finding your tribe is a real and necessary thing– consider yourself incredibly blessed if you feel like your tribe- whoever you decide that to be- gets you–all of you.
Time has made me bolder. I’m writing- something I’ve been scared to do for so many reasons but a significant one is because I don’t want to be my dad. I love to write. But it’s suuuuperrrrr triggering. I remember days, weeks, years of my dad pouring all of his energy into his books, into his art, and into his love for little girls. Even as I type this I could just scream. Or barf. Or both, at the same time.
It is the worst feeling ever to love someone who destroyed you.
So here it is, my 39th birthday. I won’t get a call from him, I won’t get a card. I won’t hear ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’. As far as I know, I’m dead to him. All because I spoke the truth and set a very very firm boundary.
Lots of people don’t have a dad. Lots of people were physically, sexually, emotionally abused by their fathers. Lots of people cut off contact with their dad (or mom) for their own protection and mental health.
I don’t think many people have a dad like mine though. So gifted, so wounded, so deep and profound, but also so… dangerous.
Usually I’m okay. I can find joy in watching Bryce parent Anna. I find peace in knowing that we’re protecting her body, mind, and soul. I am able to love myself, parent myself in ways I wasn’t. I’ve worked really hard to not be triggered and in my trauma unconsciously. Because it’s UGLY and crazy when it shows up. It makes me mean. It makes me misunderstand nearly everyone’s intentions, especially men.
I don’t see men as dangerous. That’s not how it shows up for me. I see men as indifferent towards me. There are a few men I cherish and they are the one’s that get the brunt of my trauma projections. You didn’t call on my birthday? Must mean you don’t love me. You forgot about me, didn’t celebrate me, didn’t notice or give me special moments? Must mean I’m unlovable…trash…unworthy.
My abuse taught me that I am unworthy of the basic human right to bodily autonomy. To be protected, safe, and loved as a little girl. He robbed me.
So, thirty-nine is the year that I am taking my life back, out of his hands, out of any man’s hands that I’ve surrendered my self-worth to. I’m taking my life back, I’m taking my heart back. I’m taking my body back. I’m taking my mind back. It’s all mine now and I’m not going to let anyone anywhere implicitly or explicitly define my worth.
I’m also going to fight like hell for the things I want, for the love I deserve.
It’s taken me thirty nine years but I finally know what I want. I finally know what I deserve. I won’t settle for anything less. I would rather be alone.
If you can’t grow or change to become what I want and need, then you’re not right for me. You may be a decent human. You may be everything someone else wants or needs. But if you like the person I am- deep, passionate, loving, expressive, full of light and love- then you might have to work on your shit. You might have to grow. You’ll probably be stretched and made uncomfortable.
Go out on a limb– that’s where the fruit is 🙂
Not everyone is able or willing to let go of their patterns that hold then back or hold them in sick places, like pedophilia for my dad…
Newsflash though…the universe will continue to present you with opportunities to confront your demons. Don’t think you can escape it. There’s no better motivator than love. I hope you choose love.
We outgrow people who won’t grow with us.
Most people just want to stay safe…but as they do they stay in their pain, in their lies, in all the things that hold them captive. I know because I’ve been there.
I’m giving myself the gift of freedom.
Freedom from lies. Freedom from captivity. Freedom from triggers. Freedom from dogma. Freedom from judgement. Freedom from death. Freedom from smallness. Freedom from scarcity. Freedom from him.
I’m willing to burn for you.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
Keturah Mae Shine 