Third post in and I’m going to actually start, I think.

As a therapist, I am always paying attention to how my clients set up their story. Do they dive right in? Or does it take them a few sessions to open up? Everyone is different and while I want to be a safe space where my clients can just ‘spill the tea’, everyone has a different process and that’s okay.

Me? I am a hedger. I tiptoe. Especially with people I don’t know if I can trust. I have always had difficulty being direct. Obviously, this is obvious lol. Three posts in and I’ve barely said anything of substance. With my husband and my friends I’m not usually this way… but I’m writing this for the world. I’m writing it for you. YOU you (iykyk) but also you- the one who has a hard time hearing hard stuff. I know, this is frustrating. To both me and the listener.

JUST GET TO THE POINT, KITTY! Ugh, if I had a nickel…

Well, sorry folks, but I’m still growing. And maybe at blog post #3297 I’ll just be able to SPIT IT OUT, but not today. This is my process and I’m allowing myself to have it. Kudos to those out there who can just blurt things out and deal with the consequences (or not). I’ve tried different styles of sharing and well, this one is just what works best for me. (A little insider tip for those who don’t care for tiptoeing or hedging, just skip the first 2 paragraphs or so until I get better at spilling the tea, lol) 

Remember, Post #one I shared that I’ve kept a secret for TEN YEARS. I’m not just going to blurt it out. Frame it however you want. Am I stringing you along or am I setting the groundwork? I believe good foundations make it possible to build good houses. So this is me, setting the foundation. Despite what some may think, I don’t usually go around just dropping bombs. I try not to anyway. 

In one of my first posts I shared that writing is difficult for me. Not because I don’t like writing (I DO!), but because writing, sharing my thoughts, my heart and soul, has a strong trauma attachment and trigger. I will share more about that in a future post, but “pearls before swine” is a part of that trauma story. 

I’ve always been a vulnerable person. I have no problem sharing my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. Someday I’ll dive much deeper into this, but for now, we’ll just say it’s a super fun combo of personality + trauma + attachment + coping styles that makes me this way. I truly don’t mind laying it all out there for people to see. Unfortunately, people don’t always like or understand what they see or what they hear. And because of filters and programming, people seem to have lots of opinions. For the majority of my life, this equation: my heart + people’s opinions, has not worked out well for me. I’ve had to do all kinds of healing to get to a place where I can be me and not want to die. That’s heavy, I know. I’ll circle back.

People mean well. I know they do. But man, the TRUTH IS… “people” have hurt me, misunderstood me, invalidated me, and trampled on my heart (my thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences) with the things that they’ve said while trying to figure out what to do with my big ol messy heart. 

Here’s an incomplete list of the shit people say/the beliefs I’ve developed as a result of the shit people say:

• Guard your heart
• Don’t throw your pearls at swine
• Don’t air your dirty laundry
• You’re exhausting
• No one wants to hear that
• TMI
• You’re flooding
• You’re oversharing
• This is too much
• You’re too much
• I don’t have time for this
• I can’t be part of your process
• You’re being dramatic
• Just stop thinking/feeling that way
• You’re not allowed to think/feel that
• Not everyone deserves to see your heart
• And on and on and on it goes….

Let me make one thing very very clear…. I’m not saying they’re wrong. I agree with or understand most of these statements, especially the biblical ones……….in principle. The problem is, like with most quippy saying and stupid things people say, is that if you say them to a CHILD or if you say them to someone who has been TRAUMATIZED and forced to keep a secret all their childhood… well, folks, you are then the ‘swine’. In trying to “help” me, my “friends”, family, therapists, pastors, etc etc etc have actually taken my pearls and trampled all over them. In trying to “help” me they actually hurt me. Just more reasons to keep it all stuffed in. 

IYKYK, am I right?

Chances are, if you’re an unempathetic or unsafe person you probably won’t end up here so I can just be straight without worrying about “their” feelings. Because that’s what us big hearted people do. We care. We care so much about everyone else that we forsake ourselves and spend decades ruminating on what they say, and thus proving that no one will want to or be able to hear our heart. 

I really only have two choices. I can continue doing some version of what I’ve done my whole life– keeping it all locked up for the most part and sharing bits and pieces with a select few “culturally approved” listeners or…… I can do what I’m doing right here right now and love myself HARD aaaaand bare it all for the world to see.

It’s what I want to do. It’s what my life thus far has set me up to do. I’ve worked through and I’m committed to being okay even if others are not okay with me. I believe it all will be for the GOOD of mankind. My prayer is that it glorifies God.  

So, my friends, you have a choice. You can be safe or you can be swine. Maybe someday, when I get up on my therapist’s soap box, I’ll do a little lesson on how to hold space. Until then, just know that when someone cracks open and shares their heart with you, the last thing they need is comments or implications like those above. We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we filter information coming in. Which is why I’m doing this. I’m choosing to blog because people can choose to come here and read it. You can stop reading whenever you want and you can come back whenever you want. You can also ignore it and carry on. 

I’ve spent too much of my life begging, pleading, and teaching those who “love” me how to listen. I’ve spent too much of my life begging and waiting around for someone to give me the basic human right to take up space. I have a voice and I’m going to use it. You don’t have to listen. I don’t need anyone or everyone to listen. I just need to put it all out there because I know that there has to be someone, someone just like me, who’s been silenced and caged and tamed and who wants to be set free but doesn’t know how to make it happen.

I’m going to be a part of the ‘Glennon Doyle movement’ in this world- untamed and brave, empowering, authentic, and free. ❤

Here are my pearls. Here is my heart. Ready or not, let’s ride.

Honest. Kind. Shine.