This blog thingy is interesting. I already have posts scheduled out to Sunday but this one feels like it needs to come out today. It’s becoming more and more clear to me what is actually going on with me and while I started this blog to tell my big secret, it’s also helping me peel back all the layers of this onion. Or cake…or parfait…everyone loves parfaits.

I sure hope someone gets my jokes and movie quotes…

Last night my husband and I went out for ice cream. The kids are at my in-laws, my request, or plea, rather, and so we’ve had a few very wide open days to talk, run and grab lunch, basically do whatever we want. It’s …. nice? It’s interesting… that’s for sure.

So we went for ice cream and while we were out I was unpacking all kinds of emotional shit. Which brought me to this statement: “Have I talked to you about my thoughts about work?” He replied with a statement indicating that I indeed had not caught him up on the latest developments of my work related thoughts. 

Earlier in the day I was listening to the most recent episode of Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things Podcast. At the end of the podcast someone suggested to make a list of all the things you feel like you have to do. Then go down through the list and ask yourself, “Do I want to do this?” “Do I really have to do this?” Because I process super fast and really without consciously thinking I am, I suppose I got there, at least to one thing that I don’t want to do and I don’t have to do. It at least got me to the point where I was prompted to bring it up to my life partner.

It’s not that cut and dry, though. Being a therapist, for me anyway, comes with a greater joy and responsibility than just going to work for a paycheck. I’m not punching a time clock, I don’t hang out at a water cooler. I can’t waste hours playing mahjong or do any of my work mindlessly. I’m not judging those of you who are able to do any of this! I’ve had jobs like this too. Of course not every moment is wasting time away! But in nearly every job I’ve had, even other human services jobs, in an average 8 hour day there are plenty of opportunities to veg, space out,  be careless, mindless, absent.

Not as a private practice, self pay, therapist. I am IN IT. ALL THE TIME. I’m not complaining. I LOVE my job. It’s more than just a job though. It’s a lifestyle. I have to be a certain kind of person, with certain ‘levels’ of growth and mindset, and personal/other insight to be one that is pursued and respected in my field. I’m in private practice which means all of my clients come to me either through word of mouth or through Psychology Today. If I’m a shitty therapist, that news is going to travel fast. As it should. 

So those questions, what do you have to do and what do you want to do are very very layered and nuanced for me. 

Do I have to work? Yes….and no…

Do I want to work? Yes….and no…

Maybe most people feel this way about their jobs. But unlike me, if I’m not in a good spot mentally, emotionally, spiritually– it’s unethical for me to work. It doesn’t matter how much I want to, how much I “need” the money, how guilty I feel for not working and all the ripple effects that causes. If at my core I know that I can’t hold safe space for my clients, for whatever reason, I can’t work. It’s unsafe, unethical, dangerous, irresponsible. I know other people have jobs where this is the case. Surgeons, forklift operators… There’s lots of us who have jobs where we have to be on our A game nearly 100% of the time. When you work for a company, there’s built in bs time. BS meetings, lunch breaks, scheduled time between meetings, meetings that you can totally skip out on if you have a headache or the poops. When you work for a company, you get paid for those often unplanned 20-40 minute “need-to-collect-myself” moments. 

If this happens to me as a therapist, in my current work situation, which I do not plan to or want to change, I have to cancel a full session or push through. Sometimes we push through. My therapist was feeling sick the other day- she pushed through. She also asked crappy questions and judged me- which I know wasn’t intended, of course. Still happened. 

The problem with being a therapist is that to do a good job and feel good afterward we have to be damn near perfect. And there’s no such thing as perfect. So we hope and pray for clients who remember our humanity and give us lots of grace…but we can’t expect this! All my clients pay out of pocket. Can you imagine paying a painter to paint your ceiling and he’s having a shitty day and splatters paint everywhere? Would you hire him to come back? Would you refer him to your friends? NO! Most people, especially these days, would be really pissed. We don’t live in a culture that encourages grace. 

Nor do I want to expect or need a lot of grace.

So… this is what asking myself, “what do I want, what do I need” has led me to. So MANY PEOPLE do not have the ‘luxury’? ability? to do what I NEED to do, right now. I can’t put it off anymore. I need to take time to heal. 

I am a therapist but I am also a trauma survivor. My trauma messaging, triggers, and nervous system responses run deep and wide.  The Secret revealed to me that while I thought I’ve been dealing and healing the past 10+ years… I wasn’t …. not completely. And not enough for me to ethically and safely practice therapy. 

Our world does not make it easy to do trauma recovery. As a trauma informed therapist, a passionate trauma-healing focused friend, believer, mother, etc etc etc, I have come to realize that this burden of trauma that I carry in my body, that we all carry in one way or another (think 2020), is just a lot. We are all crumbling. 

It doesn’t really matter how much I want to work. It doesn’t really matter if I need to. I can’t. 

I’m grateful that God has orchestrated my life and circumstances in such a way that l am actually able to do the trauma and emotional healing work right now that I have not been able to do my whole life. I’ve tried. I’ve been open and conscious and aware of my triggers and how the messaging shows up in most areas of my life. I’ve been in some kind of therapy consistently for the past 10 years. I’ve done lots of work around codependency, PTSD, self-love, and spirituality. I’ve basically devoted every moment of my life over the past 10 years to becoming a better human. But my secret revealed to me that there are deep deep parts of me that are still reacting and if I don’t heal it, I will fuck up. I can’t do that. I won’t do that to myself or to anyone else. 

I need to heal. 

I’m grateful for this very public platform. I don’t care who reads or doesn’t read. I know God will put it in the hands of those who need to hear it. Pray with me that he will reveal it to those who need permission to take the space they need to heal. 

Thanks for reading ❤️

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:8,9,16-18

Honest. Kind. Shine.