*TRIGGER WARNING*

This post talks about some of my suicidal thoughts. If you are triggered by or upset by these kinds of thoughts, please do not read. If you read and do become upset, that’s normal and okay! Please reach out to someone you trust. You can always reach out to me, too. ❤️

September is suicide awareness month. It also happens to be my birthday month. (yes I get a whole month. Deal 😋😁).

For my birthday this year, I’m asking for donations to 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Facebook offers these easy ways to donate money around your birthday time. I’ve seen some become really successful! I’m hoping this blog post will motivate readers to find compassion in their hearts for people like me. There’s more than you can imagine. Currently, we have a 13 year old kiddo who has come into our life who experiences suicidal ideation daily.

SI is often met with judgement. I’m going to strongly challenge you, if you are prone to judgement, in regards to suicide or otherwise, that YOU indeed are part of the problem.

I’m judgmental too. It’s really hard not to be. We are analytical humans, always trying to understand our world and the people in it. Some of us are even professional judgers! (Hint: therapists, pastors, doctors, anyone who works in human services… We are trained to judge.)

It’s time to FLUSH our judgments. Flush em all. Like seriously, all of them.

I have experienced suicidal ideation on and off for most of my adult life. I don’t mind talking about it except that many many people think that those who have SI are “attention seeking” and wildly, irresponsibly, and overly emotional. I’ll tell ya one thing- it sure sucks to be judged when you already feel like a burden.

That’s what my SI has said to me.

You’re a burden.
You’re unlovable.
You annoy people, frustrated them, no one understands you because you’re broken, you’re sinful.

Your heart is deceitful, it lies. Your heart has hurt everyone you love. Your love is like death.
Your thoughts and needs drive the people you love crazy.

You’re too much.

You exhaust everyone around you.
The world would be better off without your crazy mind, misplaced emotions, and inability to function like the rest of us.
You’re hurting everyone.
Your children deserve better.

Your death would open up space for someone to do better. Someone who understands how people are supposed to be. You don’t understand. You shouldn’t BE.

I could never actively take my life. But I have passively wished for it to end more times than I can count.

The quiet and often solitude experience of suicidal thoughts is enough to drain years off a life and overall diminish a person’s quality of life. Imagine carrying these thoughts around with you. Imagine thinking that no one actually cares. The world must keep spinning, right? After all, everyone has to work, sleep, watch their TV shows, scroll their phones…

No one has time for your whiney bullshit, Kitty. No one should have to stop their life to help you feel loved. Who TF do you think you are?

Suicidal thoughts are obviously lies.

Sadly, ALL of us who experience them experience them as TRUTH. And, go looking for evidence, you’ll find it. People think the world is flat for heaven’s sake.  It’s not that far of a stretch to believe you’re a burden when the people in your life literally don’t call or text back.

Oy.

I don’t want sympathy. Empathy would be nice- if you really care you can ask what my SI experience is like for me. You can ask me why I have thoughts like this. You can ask me what you can do in those moments and then follow through. (Hint: it’s not much. Just hugs mostly.)

Suicide is heavy. Talking about it takes some of the shame out of it. Talking about it empowers others who haven’t healed yet to talk about it. I’m not 100% healed but I’m better than I was two days ago, two months ago, two years ago.

If talking about suicide makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay! That’s normal. Feel free to say that; be honest about your feelings. Try not to avoid talking about it though. Avoidance is the fuel for suicidal thoughts. 

Try to imagine what it would be like to feel suicidal. Ask your suicidal friend what it’s like for them. Hold lots of space. No need to fix it.

The best thing you can do is slow down. Be present. Be available.

If a friend calls and is upset…MAKE space. If you can’t make space, you don’t know how to love. If you have a hair cut scheduled, reschedule it. If you made plans to go out with a buddy, ask for a rain check. If you’re at work, ask for a mental health hour. If you’re in the middle of dinner with your family, quietly excuse yourself. PEOPLE will understand. And if they don’t, are they really your kind of people?

Facebook takes care of the donation processing with no fees.
My goal is $390 for my 39th birthday. A $39 donation is enough of a birthday gift for me ❤️ Thank you for caring about other people.

Empathy. Vulnerability. Safety.

Let them tell their story.

If you’re not able or willing to do this hard task, that’s okay. Talking is hard, listening is even harder. Just donate money and help save lives. Tell your friend to call 988. There are lots of people like me out there who feel unloved, worthless, like a burden. Your donation will communicate to them that their life is worth living… That YOU want THEM to stay alive.

We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention crisis line available to anyone in the U.S. in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 988, the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in our national network of crisis centers. You can also text 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org. The 988 Lifeline is a program funded by SAMHSA and run by Vibrant Emotional Health, a 501(c)(3) organization. Your donation will go to Vibrant Emotional Health to support the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline and other programs and services administered by Vibrant.

Click to donate ❤️

Honest. Kind. Shine.