Tag: #honesty
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A Stranger Things analogy
I’m realizing that in yesterday’s post I responded to a request to not publicly share my (our…) story. (See Village Anxiety). This request, because it was made by someone I love and don’t want to upset, sent me into a bit of a shame spiral and caused me to doubt myself, my soul, my needs.
Being a human is hard. Setting and responding to boundaries is hard. As I tell my clients, all of life is boundaries. Healing comes when we can discern when it’s appropriate to have looser boundaries, rigid boundaries, and flexible boundaries. We have to be flexible and have nuance as adults with our boundary setting because every relationship and circumstance calls for a different type of boundary. Admittedly, this has been difficult for me to sort out as I tend to float on the looser end of the boundary spectrum in most areas of my life.
This isn’t a post about boundaries. I’ll save that for another day. But… this is a post about boundaries… in the sense that sometimes we just have to do what we know is right even if others don’t like it or understand. Remember, I’m a recovering people pleaser and codependent so I constantly have to remind myself that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. But, this also doesn’t mean I can go around doing whatever I want with reckless abandon.
Choices have consequences. I’m trying to be very very careful about how often and under what circumstances I enforce rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries tend to hurt people more directly than loose boundaries, especially when used to escape, force, manipulate, or control. If any of my writing feels abusive, manipulative, hurtful, or offensive – please come and talk to me about your feelings. I want to work it out with you and be at peace with you.
This brings me to my next analogy…
Village Agitation.
So, if you haven’t watched Stranger Things you might have a hard time with this one. Fortunately, the story arc of Stranger Things is similar to every other group adventure story so I think you’ll be able to pick up what I’m putting down.
Stranger Things is a TV show on Netflix about a girl Named 011 (Eleven or El) who has super mind powers. There is an evil world called the “Upside down” and the evil in this world haunts a small town, Hawkins.
Spoilers! 🚨
At about 11-13? years old, Eleven is found in the woods by her soon to be besties. It’s set in the 80s and the kids play Dungeons and Dragons (I’ve never played); much of the evil and story, I gather, is D&D inspired. The series carries on through four seasons of El fighting the evil with her powers and her “village”, her tribe, her friends, at her side.
The past couple days my husband and I have been transferring anxiety and agitation back and forth as we process my secret and how this affects our life- today and in the future.
What we’re going through as a couple, along with a few others- one very intimately involved and others aware but just as shaken up- it’s just a lot.
At any given time we are experiencing grief- shock, anger, sadness, bargaining… We are experiencing overwhelming anxiety, panic, fear, etc etc etc. Lots of heavy emotions in and around us. It’s A LOT.
I’m having a hard time doing much of anything. The kids are at my in-laws and I really thought I’d get some cleaning done, projects, laundry… ya know, normal life stuff. Hasn’t happened. In fact, I can barely eat. We are in crisis.
If you’ve seen Stranger Things, you know that at different times the evil seems to get agitated and start affecting Hawkins. The kids all join together and figure out how to help El defeat the mind flayer, Billy, and Vecna. El seems to carry the burden as she’s the one who has the amazing mind powers. Still, her friends ask no questions and stand by her, go to battle with and for her, and require no apologies or praises. After all, they’re fighting evil. It’s D&D irl.
I suppose I’m feeling…. jealous.
My village is agitated. My tribe is freaking out. We’re all shaken up…everyone in their own way is dealing with feelings, worries, fear. It’s normal and healthy to react to an explosion. I appreciate how much my people care and I appreciate that this not only deeply affects me, but it affects them too. Everyone’s entitled to their own process.
Here’s the rub. And… I’m just being honest. These are just my feelings, not an indictment of anyone or everyone. Clearly, if you’re here reading this- you’re supporting me!!!! THANK YOU!
My honest feelings… And I’m only sharing them because I KNOW we’ve alllllllll been here. We’re like El, carrying a burden too big to bear alone and what we need is our tribe to come in and be strong.
I need a tribe who’s willing to see me, hold lots of space, try to understand before making assumptions, and remember how burdensome this is for me… it sucks because everyone is acting like my storm is happening TO them. I guess I’ve been really codependent with a lot of people.
Most of my tribe has been supportive. I’m so grateful. But if I’m being honest…. Which I am…
I feel like I need more. I never ask for more. I feel like a narcissist or like an ungrateful petulant toddler. So many people say I should just be grateful. Like I’m not already grateful!!!!
Can you imagine how Stranger Things would have turned out without Hopper, Wil, Dustin, Max, Nancy, and Eddie…. Ughhhh Eddie. 😭
Where would Eleven be without her tribe?
I’m really struggling, friends. If you’ve come this far, thank you. I know how hard it is to slow down and take time out for someone in need. Especially when those needs seem unfixable, are triggering, or leave you feeling powerless.
It’s easier to just keep a distance and call it a boundary. Depending on your view of this you might even turn into a Billy or another character that pisses on El’s gift and increases the presence of Demogorgons. Just do me a solid and don’t be that guy.
Honest. Kind. Shine
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Every day that I spend ‘in it’ (see ‘Garden State’ fireplace scene), more and more revelations come to me. I just realized this morning WHY I’m doing this– why I feel like I need to share my thoughts with the “world”.
I suppose there are many reasons why. Of course I had a ‘why’ prior to today, so I guess I should say, I discovered another facet of my why.
There are lots of reasons why I haven’t done this. ((see The Secret (releasing today at 1230) and Pearls Before Swine )). There are lots of reasons to keep everything to myself and/or a select few. Honestly, I think most people in my life, most people I really care about, would either straight out advocate for me to keep it all to myself or subtly imply that I shouldn’t share it. (see upcoming post– #MeToo)
It’s interesting that some people find people who wholeheartedly support their truth and process of revealing that truth. As I was listening to We Can Do Hard Things Podcast (you should seriously give it a listen…the most recent episode is on point!), someone shared that in their coming out process they had parents who were very supportive. They specifically stated, “I’m very lucky”. Everyone talking reflected how special this is- to have people in your life who see your light and not only let you shine, but encourage you to shine… (even if they get burned or blinded by the light in the process).
Not everyone is this lucky. Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of people in my life who, I truly believe, want to see me. If you know me and you’re here reading this, you are one of those people and I AM SO GRATEFUL. You haven’t failed me… I’m not angry with you or doing this out of spite or as a way to punish you. I’m hedging right now because I’m so sensitive to other people’s feelings, fears, anxiety, hang ups etc. Sadly, I’ve squashed myself to make you comfortable. That my friends is called Codependency. This topic alone deserves its own podcast…oh wait, there is one … you’re welcome 🙂
Part of this healing journey is moving out of codependency and into interdependence (not independence). Those who have depended on my codependency are likely the most anxious about this blog. Of course you are. My silence has kept your peace.
Five years of silence and ten years of forsaking myself for the sake of others has damn near killed me. I’m so worn out that since July 19th I can’t DO ANYTHING but write. I can’t not do this, friends. Unless you want me to die. For TEN years I’ve been slowly, painfully killing my soul and up until a few weeks ago, I was floating off into oblivion.
Which brings me to my newest ‘why’ facet.
For this, another analogy… or two.
Okay so, you know Frozen, right? Elsa has magic powers that no one knows about or understands. So she is believed to be dangerous and forced to stay locked in her room by her well-intentioned father. She then reveals her powers, oops, and finds a few people who love her for her and yay, the end.
Frozen 2… Elsa still feels out of place…alone… no one gets her. She hears a voice which leads her to her people, her “tribe”. She goes on a journey to “Show yourself
Step into the power
Grow yourself
Into something new
You are the one you’ve been waiting for
All of your life”
This blog is me acknowledging that I’ve been locked in my room, alone. No one knows the depth of pain I’ve suffered. No one knows how much I’ve cried and wanted to die. (Except for Bryce…Bryce mostly knows.) Still, staying locked in my room has made my powers stronger. It’s tempting to go build my own ice palace and live alone with a giant snow monster. The cold never bothered me anyway.
Thank God for the Annas in my life that want me to come home. You are an act of True Love.
This blog, this public process, this is me, stepping into my power, growing myself. I’ve waited for my tribe to find me, help me grow or grow with me.
Maybe I need to ‘show myself’ so we all can grow, so we can all step into our own power and grow something new.
The movie ends beautifully by Elsa giving up her role as queen and living in the magical forest with her tribe. She’s not alone anymore. She is found.
The truth is, I have been stuffing the truth so long that when it was activated it almost killed me (see Elsa: ice powers). I’m “coming out” (see: Let It Go ). There are people who are genuinely concerned and want to understand (see: Anna). There are people who don’t understand and have Village Anxiety and/or want me to STFU (see: Duke of “Weasel Town” 😂 ). Like Elsa, I’ve been silenced for years. I’ve locked away my truth, my light, my hope for the sake of people I love. Coronation day was June 27th 2022. I built my icy palace and thawed myself faster than the time it took to come out with Frozen 2….thank God!
I know this process makes you uncomfortable. I love you so I don’t want to be the source of your discomfort. Catch 22, rock and a hard place, conundrum………..
But I love myself MORE.
Five years of silence and ten years of holding it all in has made me very very very uncomfortable. We can both be a little uncomfortable and move through it or one of us gets to be set free while the other is held captive. I spent my time in captivity. I did my time. You did your time too! Let’s go through this together. Be my Anna, my Kristoff, my Olaf and Sven. Let’s tame and ride this Nokk into Ahtohallan and find the truth and grow something new ❤
Sometimes music says it better than I can
I was a-ready to die for you, baby
Doesn’t mean I’m ready to stay
What good is livin’ a life you’ve been given
If all you do is stand in one place?Stay tuned for ‘why’ analogy #2– Stranger Things
Honest, Kind. Shine.
Update!:
Okay I found this and omg it’s great! I think they do a better job at explaining the whole analogy than I do. Enjoy ❤
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I’m 38 and finally getting honest. Like really honest. Like most people, I think, we don’t get honest until we HAVE to. That was the case for me anyway. I’ve kept a secret for nearly 10 years. Yep, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to air my dirty laundry- which is a funny expression that literally means something different than what it figuratively means. Like being a devil’s advocate- but that’s a topic for a different day. I’m going to air my dirty laundry so 1) it doesn’t stink up my house anymore and 2) because nature cleans. The sun purifies. So this is me, all of me- the good, bad, and ugly… out there for the world to see. I hope I’ll inspire you to air your dirty laundry, too. I’ll grab the soap and let’s let the Light bleach out our dark spots 🙂
I like to write my thoughts. There’s something cathartic about handwriting- letting the energy flow out of your fingertips, through a pen, and scratching onto paper. I’m sure there are ways to transcribe written thought into type but I’m not very techy and I just neeeed to get this all out of me before I lose my brave again and squelch my soul for another 10 years.
I’ve struggled with writing. There are a few reasons for this, but the most significant one is trauma based. The crazy thing about trauma is that often what’s hurt you, when reframed and reclaimed, is also what heals you. It’s taken me 38 years to reframe and reclaim writing and sharing MY truth. We all have a truth inside of us and I don’t think it’s possible to find The Truth until we move through our own truth, weed out what fits and what doesn’t, and once we know who we really are, at our core, (something the LGBTQ+ community is doing SO well and MANY praises to them for teaching us all how to shine!) we can discern what we want to keep, what we want to get rid of, and what needs to change. I’m not a scientist but I imagine this is the process for developing medicines that fix us. This process of discovery, raw soul discovery, I imagine is just like that. Why we don’t encourage more of it is beyond my current understanding. As Jim Gaffigan would say, “So simple.”
So, welcome. Welcome to a nearly 4 decade long journey of becoming and unbecoming, doing and undoing, being force fed a lie and now purging my truth.
Keturah Mae Shine 
