(I’m hearing Bill Murray in Scrooged- “I’m back! I can see now!” 😂)
I’ve missed this space. I’ve missed us.
Over the past year and a half since my last public post, I’ve done a lot of deep work, the brave work—stepping more fully into my voice, my divinity, and my healing.
What started as intentional ascension through twin flame awareness, trauma recovery, divorce, and nervous system rewiring has blossomed into a life aligned with unshakeable peace and clarity.
✨ What I’ve learned and celebrated so far:
Rooted out complex trauma, healed wounds, and redefined worth as God gave it to me.
I’ve walked through divorce with integrity and grace, and I’ve emerged in ease—in body, mind, and spirit.
I’ve established energetic sovereignty: boundaries that honor me, relationships that uplift, and a restored alignment with God’s love.
I’ve forgiven myself and others. Set free from old identity loops.
I’ve Chosen heaven.
What I’m coming back to share:
🌈 My ongoing healing process and how that affects my life, relationships, and my life purpose.
❤️🔥The Twin Flame journey—you know I’ll speak the truth on soul mirrors, ascension triggers, and sacred union. ❤️ Relationship dynamics—how to love deeply, without losing yourself. 🕊️ Emotional + energetic healing tools—I’m sharing more about MAP, the Mirror Exercise, nervous system recalibration, and practices that worked for me. 🌟Spiritual integration—reconnecting with Divine Self in everyday life, grounded in unconditional Love and God’s grace.
What’s coming next:
Blog series: Signature essays on love, loss, ascension, and emerging awareness.
YouTube shorts and videos: talking about my insights on love, God, and life
Community connection: More Q&A, invited questions, reader reflections.
Let’s build this journey together.
Want to see specific stories or topics covered? Have questions about your Twin Flame path, or how to heal trauma without losing your joy? Drop me a message, comment below, or connect with me via my link tree.
This post talks about some of my suicidal thoughts. If you are triggered by or upset by these kinds of thoughts, please do not read. If you read and do become upset, that’s normal and okay! Please reach out to someone you trust. You can always reach out to me, too. ❤️
September is suicide awareness month. It also happens to be my birthday month. (yes I get a whole month. Deal 😋😁).
For my birthday this year, I’m asking for donations to 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Facebook offers these easy ways to donate money around your birthday time. I’ve seen some become really successful! I’m hoping this blog post will motivate readers to find compassion in their hearts for people like me. There’s more than you can imagine. Currently, we have a 13 year old kiddo who has come into our life who experiences suicidal ideation daily.
SI is often met with judgement. I’m going to strongly challenge you, if you are prone to judgement, in regards to suicide or otherwise, that YOU indeed are part of the problem.
I’m judgmental too. It’s really hard not to be. We are analytical humans, always trying to understand our world and the people in it. Some of us are even professional judgers! (Hint: therapists, pastors, doctors, anyone who works in human services… We are trained to judge.)
It’s time to FLUSH our judgments. Flush em all. Like seriously, all of them.
Blue cat=judgementalness
I have experienced suicidal ideation on and off for most of my adult life. I don’t mind talking about it except that many many people think that those who have SI are “attention seeking” and wildly, irresponsibly, and overly emotional. I’ll tell ya one thing- it sure sucks to be judged when you already feel like a burden.
That’s what my SI has said to me.
You’re a burden. You’re unlovable. You annoy people, frustrated them, no one understands you because you’re broken, you’re sinful.
Your heart is deceitful, it lies. Your heart has hurt everyone you love. Your love is like death. Your thoughts and needs drive the people you love crazy.
You’re too much.
You exhaust everyone around you. The world would be better off without your crazy mind, misplaced emotions, and inability to function like the rest of us. You’re hurting everyone. Your children deserve better.
Your death would open up space for someone to do better. Someone who understands how people are supposed to be. You don’t understand. You shouldn’t BE.
I could never actively take my life. But I have passively wished for it to end more times than I can count.
The quiet and often solitude experience of suicidal thoughts is enough to drain years off a life and overall diminish a person’s quality of life. Imagine carrying these thoughts around with you. Imagine thinking that no one actually cares. The world must keep spinning, right? After all, everyone has to work, sleep, watch their TV shows, scroll their phones…
No one has time for your whiney bullshit, Kitty. No one should have to stop their life to help you feel loved. Who TF do you think you are?
Suicidal thoughts are obviously lies.
Sadly, ALL of us who experience them experience them as TRUTH. And, go looking for evidence, you’ll find it. People think the world is flat for heaven’s sake. It’s not that far of a stretch to believe you’re a burden when the people in your life literally don’t call or text back.
Oy.
I don’t want sympathy. Empathy would be nice- if you really care you can ask what my SI experience is like for me. You can ask me why I have thoughts like this. You can ask me what you can do in those moments and then follow through. (Hint: it’s not much. Just hugs mostly.)
Suicide is heavy. Talking about it takes some of the shame out of it. Talking about it empowers others who haven’t healed yet to talk about it. I’m not 100% healed but I’m better than I was two days ago, two months ago, two years ago.
If talking about suicide makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay! That’s normal. Feel free to say that; be honest about your feelings. Try not to avoid talking about it though. Avoidance is the fuel for suicidal thoughts.
Try to imagine what it would be like to feel suicidal. Ask your suicidal friend what it’s like for them. Hold lots of space. No need to fix it.
The best thing you can do is slow down. Be present. Be available.
If a friend calls and is upset…MAKE space. If you can’t make space, you don’t know how to love. If you have a hair cut scheduled, reschedule it. If you made plans to go out with a buddy, ask for a rain check. If you’re at work, ask for a mental health hour. If you’re in the middle of dinner with your family, quietly excuse yourself. PEOPLE will understand. And if they don’t, are they really your kind of people?
Facebook takes care of the donation processing with no fees. My goal is $390 for my 39th birthday. A $39 donation is enough of a birthday gift for me ❤️ Thank you for caring about other people.
Empathy. Vulnerability. Safety.
Let them tell their story.
If you’re not able or willing to do this hard task, that’s okay. Talking is hard, listening is even harder. Just donate money and help save lives. Tell your friend to call 988. There are lots of people like me out there who feel unloved, worthless, like a burden. Your donation will communicate to them that their life is worth living… That YOU want THEM to stay alive.
Screenshot to donate, use your image search 🔎
We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention crisis line available to anyone in the U.S. in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 988, the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in our national network of crisis centers. You can also text 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org. The 988 Lifeline is a program funded by SAMHSA and run by Vibrant Emotional Health, a 501(c)(3) organization. Your donation will go to Vibrant Emotional Health to support the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline and other programs and services administered by Vibrant.
I’m burdened by the hypocrisy of the “Christian” church.
I can’t believe I’ve played a part in this nonsense… This hate.
Church…we’ve messed up. Big time.
This is abhorrent.#guiltyActually, ask yourself if anyone feels loved by you. Change my mind.Burn every copy of love&respect 🤮Submit submit submit and God will bless you with an asshole for a husband who can’t even find the ketchup on the front door. Also, was told by my pastor and “Christian” therapist that they were angry with me for trying to feel loved. Fuck purity Sounds a bit narcissistic I didn’t write this. I don’t like those words at the end but you should seriously think about if and how your beliefs are hurting you and other people. People should not be able to love better than God.Yeah, this one’s tough for me too. No caption needed. Other than *note: WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACHED #yepThe hypocrisy is as THICK as their skulls…Y’all. I don’t even understand this logic Or this logicI’m actually okay being kept awake. I’m sorry.Cherry picking should be left for actual cherries We’ve really messed up.Well, does it?🎤I try to remember to talk to my unpleasant emotions like I would a little toddler. What do you need? How can I help?No virtue. Read it again with me.I seriously do not even understand how one could think they should be in office.😬Sick.
I’m kind of done with this “Christian” nonsense. Pray for my soul.
It’s like I stood on the top of a cliff with all my brave and heart and soul. With reckless abandon I took the leap, trusting the deep cool sea below to catch me after I flew gracefully (or chaotically 😅) through the sky.
The others in the photo are a good representation of those who have watched me, of all of you who’ve willingly clicked on over to witness the chaotic explosion that is my wild, messy, beautiful, alive life. I appreciate your witness.
I’ve felt mostly dead for awhile now and the critics and naysayers have said “don’t jump!” or “it’s dangerous!” Your concerns are valid. I appreciate them. I need you to know that I’ve considered the risks. I’m okay with braving this wilderness alone. I’m okay with risking all that’s at stake.
I’ve said I don’t care what others think, but that’s not actually true. We’re made for connection. I do care. Caring and doing it anyway is the hard thing. This public platform assures that I am reserving a seat, as Brene Brown says, for the critic, the shame, scarcity, and comparison voices of the world.
Fear can and will stop us from braving the wilderness. Fear keeps us safe, yes, but it also keeps us stuck, stagnant, and, if we’re called into the wilderness (hint: we all are in one way or another), fear will keep us from getting what we actually want the most. What is actually fulfilling and true and what is from God.
I don’t know about you but God has never blessed me in a big way when I’m just sitting around waiting. He has never blessed me when I was comfortable. The big blessings came with HUGE leaps of faith and trusting that he will equip me as I take every new step into the unknown.
Elsa gets it
I don’t know what the future holds but I know what I want. I don’t know how to get there but I trust myself and I trust the Universe to guide me and provide me with everything I need and more. I belong to myself. I know who I am. I can do this!
Here’s your weekly Brene wisdom…
Every inch of me is trembling But not from the cold Something is familiar Like a dream, I can reach but not quite hold I can sense you there Like a friend I’ve always known I’m arriving And it feels like I am home
I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside You have secrets, too But you don’t have to hide
I’ve never felt so certain All my life, I’ve been torn But I’m here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different Normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?
I am making one of my favorite treks across Pennsylvania today. Returning to one of my first homes… I made this drive hundreds of times in my youth. Today’s drive is extra special because it’s nearing the end of August and the sun, the air, just everything is reminding me that September is coming.
September. So much more than just being my birthday month, which I love my freaking birthday so much. Birthday, yes… but September just always seemed like it was finally time for life to be just be about me.
Someday soon I’m going to talk about the deeper why of why sharing my thoughts publicly has been really hard for me to do up until this point. For today though, this platform is my way of taking up space. This is my way of belonging to myself. This is my way of telling myself and the world that I matter, my voice matters, I’m owning my story so it doesn’t own me.
September has always been the month that I got to have at least one day that was about me. When you grow up with someone who robs every good moment with their selfishness and narcissism… It just… Sucks.
I suppose, if you know you know, you know? Ya know? Last September on my birthday we were at Magic Kingdom at Disney world. There was a rainbow over Disney that morning. It was an absolutely perfect day. A dream come true.
My mom and Grammy hand sewed the dress and shirt for me and my husband. I used fabric paint to paint the design. I was able to sneak them into the luggage and surprise my husband with them 🙂. Best. Day. Ever.
Not all that long ago I wouldn’t allow myself to have good things. I would deprive myself of things that I needed like new shoes, underwear, food… And then I would overindulge in other areas of my life to try to achieve what I now know is homeostasis. I’ll circle back around to this another time… But does anybody understand this? I would love to hear your story, too.
Today is a good day because I’m going to visit one of my first and best college friends. She and our little golden circle is responsible for helping me to grow into a human. This drive feels like I’m going home 🙂
Stay golden ❤️
I’m in a really vulnerable place right now. I am making big mistakes, choices that have the potential to destroy things that I really love and that I really want. In a way, it’s kind of like going to college and moving into your dorm room with people you don’t know and having to figure out life and learn a whole bunch of life shit and smart shit. It’s all compressed into a few short weeks before you move on to more classes with more information that you have to cram into your brain. This growth… it’s like I’m stretch Armstrong and you’re attaching my hands to your bicycle and my feet to your skateboard and my older and younger brothers are using me to ride and pull each other.
Did anybody ever stretch an Armstrong so far that he busted open? I’ve busted open a few times since June 27th… I’m sorry if you were on the receiving end of that explosion.
I’ve decided that I just need to keep growing. I need to dive head first into the wisdom and practices that I know to be true and helpful. Return to the basics. Prayer, meditation, Brene Brown lol.
So here’s the gift that I have for the world today… I’m sharing the hard-earned wisdom of our future’s revered Emotions sage genius of our time. She will be talked about in the same way we talk about Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Jesus, Einstein, Plato. She’s the one who always brings me back to myself, reminds me to be awkward, brave, and kind. She gave me permission and taught me how to own my story. She taught me that if I want to belong I first have to belong to myself. ❤️
I’m realizing that in yesterday’s post I responded to a request to not publicly share my (our…) story. (See Village Anxiety). This request, because it was made by someone I love and don’t want to upset, sent me into a bit of a shame spiral and caused me to doubt myself, my soul, my needs.
Being a human is hard. Setting and responding to boundaries is hard. As I tell my clients, all of life is boundaries. Healing comes when we can discern when it’s appropriate to have looser boundaries, rigid boundaries, and flexible boundaries. We have to be flexible and have nuance as adults with our boundary setting because every relationship and circumstance calls for a different type of boundary. Admittedly, this has been difficult for me to sort out as I tend to float on the looser end of the boundary spectrum in most areas of my life.
This isn’t a post about boundaries. I’ll save that for another day. But… this is a post about boundaries… in the sense that sometimes we just have to do what we know is right even if others don’t like it or understand. Remember, I’m a recovering people pleaser and codependent so I constantly have to remind myself that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. But, this also doesn’t mean I can go around doing whatever I want with reckless abandon.
Choices have consequences. I’m trying to be very very careful about how often and under what circumstances I enforce rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries tend to hurt people more directly than loose boundaries, especially when used to escape, force, manipulate, or control. If any of my writing feels abusive, manipulative, hurtful, or offensive – please come and talk to me about your feelings. I want to work it out with you and be at peace with you.
This brings me to my next analogy…
Village Agitation.
So, if you haven’t watched Stranger Things you might have a hard time with this one. Fortunately, the story arc of Stranger Things is similar to every other group adventure story so I think you’ll be able to pick up what I’m putting down.
Stranger Things is a TV show on Netflix about a girl Named 011 (Eleven or El) who has super mind powers. There is an evil world called the “Upside down” and the evil in this world haunts a small town, Hawkins.
Spoilers! 🚨
At about 11-13? years old, Eleven is found in the woods by her soon to be besties. It’s set in the 80s and the kids play Dungeons and Dragons (I’ve never played); much of the evil and story, I gather, is D&D inspired. The series carries on through four seasons of El fighting the evil with her powers and her “village”, her tribe, her friends, at her side.
The past couple days my husband and I have been transferring anxiety and agitation back and forth as we process my secret and how this affects our life- today and in the future.
What we’re going through as a couple, along with a few others- one very intimately involved and others aware but just as shaken up- it’s just a lot.
At any given time we are experiencing grief- shock, anger, sadness, bargaining… We are experiencing overwhelming anxiety, panic, fear, etc etc etc. Lots of heavy emotions in and around us. It’s A LOT.
I’m having a hard time doing much of anything. The kids are at my in-laws and I really thought I’d get some cleaning done, projects, laundry… ya know, normal life stuff. Hasn’t happened. In fact, I can barely eat. We are in crisis.
If you’ve seen Stranger Things, you know that at different times the evil seems to get agitated and start affecting Hawkins. The kids all join together and figure out how to help El defeat the mind flayer, Billy, and Vecna. El seems to carry the burden as she’s the one who has the amazing mind powers. Still, her friends ask no questions and stand by her, go to battle with and for her, and require no apologies or praises. After all, they’re fighting evil. It’s D&D irl.
I suppose I’m feeling…. jealous.
My village is agitated. My tribe is freaking out. We’re all shaken up…everyone in their own way is dealing with feelings, worries, fear. It’s normal and healthy to react to an explosion. I appreciate how much my people care and I appreciate that this not only deeply affects me, but it affects them too. Everyone’s entitled to their own process.
Here’s the rub. And… I’m just being honest. These are just my feelings, not an indictment of anyone or everyone. Clearly, if you’re here reading this- you’re supporting me!!!! THANK YOU!
My honest feelings… And I’m only sharing them because I KNOW we’ve alllllllll been here. We’re like El, carrying a burden too big to bear alone and what we need is our tribe to come in and be strong.
I need a tribe who’s willing to see me, hold lots of space, try to understand before making assumptions, and remember how burdensome this is for me… it sucks because everyone is acting like my storm is happening TO them. I guess I’ve been really codependent with a lot of people.
Most of my tribe has been supportive. I’m so grateful. But if I’m being honest…. Which I am…
I feel like I need more. I never ask for more. I feel like a narcissist or like an ungrateful petulant toddler. So many people say I should just be grateful. Like I’m not already grateful!!!!
Can you imagine how Stranger Things would have turned out without Hopper, Wil, Dustin, Max, Nancy, and Eddie…. Ughhhh Eddie. 😭
Where would Eleven be without her tribe?
I’m really struggling, friends. If you’ve come this far, thank you. I know how hard it is to slow down and take time out for someone in need. Especially when those needs seem unfixable, are triggering, or leave you feeling powerless.
It’s easier to just keep a distance and call it a boundary. Depending on your view of this you might even turn into a Billy or another character that pisses on El’s gift and increases the presence of Demogorgons. Just do me a solid and don’t be that guy.
I thought it could be helpful to share what I’m reading, listening to, who my teachers are and who has helped me on this journey of freedom and fire. I’ll be updating this list so be sure to check back ❤️
I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for those who have gone before me.
We belong to each other and I’m grateful for all the wisdom in my life ❤️❤️❤️
I’ll just be upfront. It’s going to take a minute for it all to come out. This is a long game, friends. I hope you’ll be patient with me as I work it out. Like every good story, mine has a lot of groundwork to be laid (lain? loin? ha) before I can build my castle.
In order to get it you have to know how I got here.
This secret, my secret, was a secret to me until about six weeks ago. It’s not a secret that I’ve kept intentionally. It’s not like I’ve been walking around with a ticking time bomb. I haven’t been worried that someone was going to poke me and I would just explode with it. I thought I dealt with it. I thought ‘it’ was DONE.
I didn’t even know it was there.
Remember, in my last post, Pearls Before Swine, I shared that I’m a very vulnerable person. This is a badge of honor I wear as I believe being authentic and vulnerable in a world of robots is a difficult achievement.
There’s a bible verse that says, “guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. (Proverbs 4:23) Wellllllll…. Lots of people who have seen me hurting would say, ‘you’re hurting because you’re not guarding your heart, Kitty”. I’ve interpreted this one scripture many different ways. I’ve heard it interpreted many different ways. When said to or about me, usually the message is ‘if you would keep your mouth shut then you wouldn’t say things to the wrong people and then you wouldn’t get hurt.’ After all, I am so easy to misunderstand, right? And no one really cares to hear what I (or anyone ) has to say, right??
Ugh, the messaging and programming we all have to undo. It’s hard work.
This bible verse alone has taken many different variations.
Here are some of my (very POOR) interpretations… Which ones have you believed?
‘Don’t say anything that people don’t want to hear. If you do, they will trample on it’ (look at me incorporating pearls before swine too!)
‘Your heart is where your lust is, so therefore you have to protect the world from your lust, your sin.’
‘Your heart is deceitful, you can’t trust it; you must shield it from the world.’
‘Oh, you feel “x”? That’s because you’re not guarding your heart. You can’t trust your feelings, they lie. So does your heart.’
‘No one will understand your heart so you must protect it from the world.’
‘If you reveal your heart to the wrong person you are responsible for their feelings and ultimately their destruction.’
‘If you share your feelings with the wrong person/people you are responsible for their reaction. If they hurt you in their response to your feelings, it’s your fault. You should have guarded your heart better.’
I think we get it. Even well-meaning Christians, myself included, sometimes have a really warped sense of Scripture. I’m not saying all of my interpretations are 100% wrong. What I am saying though is that these interpretations have really messed me up. As a result, I have taken MY truth and locked it away in the pit of my soul and threw away the key. This is how it became a secret I didn’t know I was keeping.
I’ve done this before. I will circle back around to this, too.
A while back, one of my favorite people said to me, “you are the most genuine person I’ve ever met”. Prior to this statement, I hadn’t thought of myself as a “genuine person”. In fact, I hadn’t really thought of myself as anything but me. I gathered that being genuine was something he valued, something rare. I still remember this special moment, how I felt so seen and known. After his comment, I began looking around and paying attention to other people… asking myself, ‘isn’t everyone genuine’? Nearly 30 years old and I had never thought that people would be anything but their real self. Funny how our own ‘self’ shapes how we see the world. Unlucky for me, I quickly and have endlessly realized how disingenuous most people are. I also quickly realized how REAL I am… you get what you see, folks… There are no surprises here.
Genuine. Authentic. Vulnerable. Real. These are words I have learned to use to describe myself since that dear friend of mine put a name to WHO I am. He helped me to see…me. What a gift.
“Well…well…well… how the turntables.” – Michael Scott (Office fans, anyone?)
All this was at least true until I realized that it wasn’t…………oh how the mighty have fallen.
I have a secret that I’ve kept burrowed deep deep down inside of me until well…. yeah, it exploded. Those who know me well, and those who have been paying attention to my social media have probably picked up on the hints I’ve dropped by asking for prayer and other things that I’ve been sharing here and there because well, I’ve been oozing with it. I have literally felt pain in my heart from all this love and grief and hope and lies and joy and soul crushing sadness.
Oh, I wish it was easy to explain. It’s not, hence why I’m here… writing this blog… my whole truth for the world to see because it just has to be known. I have to say it. I feel called to do this and I truly believe that God has prepared and equipped and continues to give me everything I need to do this.
Third post in and I’m going to actually start, I think.
As a therapist, I am always paying attention to how my clients set up their story. Do they dive right in? Or does it take them a few sessions to open up? Everyone is different and while I want to be a safe space where my clients can just ‘spill the tea’, everyone has a different process and that’s okay.
Me? I am a hedger. I tiptoe. Especially with people I don’t know if I can trust. I have always had difficulty being direct. Obviously, this is obvious lol. Three posts in and I’ve barely said anything of substance. With my husband and my friends I’m not usually this way… but I’m writing this for the world. I’m writing it for you. YOU you (iykyk) but also you- the one who has a hard time hearing hard stuff. I know, this is frustrating. To both me and the listener.
JUST GET TO THE POINT, KITTY! Ugh, if I had a nickel…
Well, sorry folks, but I’m still growing. And maybe at blog post #3297 I’ll just be able to SPIT IT OUT, but not today. This is my process and I’m allowing myself to have it. Kudos to those out there who can just blurt things out and deal with the consequences (or not). I’ve tried different styles of sharing and well, this one is just what works best for me. (A little insider tip for those who don’t care for tiptoeing or hedging, just skip the first 2 paragraphs or so until I get better at spilling the tea, lol)
Remember, Post #one I shared that I’ve kept a secret for TEN YEARS. I’m not just going to blurt it out. Frame it however you want. Am I stringing you along or am I setting the groundwork? I believe good foundations make it possible to build good houses. So this is me, setting the foundation. Despite what some may think, I don’t usually go around just dropping bombs. I try not to anyway.
In one of my first posts I shared that writing is difficult for me. Not because I don’t like writing (I DO!), but because writing, sharing my thoughts, my heart and soul, has a strong trauma attachment and trigger. I will share more about that in a future post, but “pearls before swine” is a part of that trauma story.
I’ve always been a vulnerable person. I have no problem sharing my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. Someday I’ll dive much deeper into this, but for now, we’ll just say it’s a super fun combo of personality + trauma + attachment + coping styles that makes me this way. I truly don’t mind laying it all out there for people to see. Unfortunately, people don’t always like or understand what they see or what they hear. And because of filters and programming, people seem to have lots of opinions. For the majority of my life, this equation: my heart + people’s opinions, has not worked out well for me. I’ve had to do all kinds of healing to get to a place where I can be me and not want to die. That’s heavy, I know. I’ll circle back.
People mean well. I know they do. But man, the TRUTH IS… “people” have hurt me, misunderstood me, invalidated me, and trampled on my heart (my thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences) with the things that they’ve said while trying to figure out what to do with my big ol messy heart.
Here’s an incomplete list of the shit people say/the beliefs I’ve developed as a result of the shit people say:
Guard your heart
Don’t throw your pearls at swine
Don’t air your dirty laundry
You’re exhausting
No one wants to hear that
TMI
You’re flooding
You’re oversharing
This is too much
You’re too much
I don’t have time for this
I can’t be part of your process
You’re being dramatic
Just stop thinking/feeling that way
You’re not allowed to think/feel that
Not everyone deserves to see your heart
And on and on and on it goes….
Let me make one thing very very clear…. I’m not saying they’re wrong. I agree with or understand most of these statements, especially the biblical ones……….in principle. The problem is, like with most quippy saying and stupid things people say, is that if you say them to a CHILD or if you say them to someone who has been TRAUMATIZED and forced to keep a secret all their childhood… well, folks, you are then the ‘swine’. In trying to “help” me, my “friends”, family, therapists, pastors, etc etc etc have actually taken my pearls and trampled all over them. In trying to “help” me they actually hurt me. Just more reasons to keep it all stuffed in.
IYKYK, am I right?
Chances are, if you’re an unempathetic or unsafe person you probably won’t end up here so I can just be straight without worrying about “their” feelings. Because that’s what us big hearted people do. We care. We care so much about everyone else that we forsake ourselves and spend decades ruminating on what they say, and thus proving that no one will want to or be able to hear our heart.
I really only have two choices. I can continue doing some version of what I’ve done my whole life– keeping it all locked up for the most part and sharing bits and pieces with a select few “culturally approved” listeners or…… I can do what I’m doing right here right now and love myself HARD aaaaand bare it all for the world to see.
It’s what I want to do. It’s what my life thus far has set me up to do. I’ve worked through and I’m committed to being okay even if others are not okay with me. I believe it all will be for the GOOD of mankind. My prayer is that it glorifies God.
So, my friends, you have a choice. You can be safe or you can be swine. Maybe someday, when I get up on my therapist’s soap box, I’ll do a little lesson on how to hold space. Until then, just know that when someone cracks open and shares their heart with you, the last thing they need is comments or implications like those above. We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we filter information coming in. Which is why I’m doing this. I’m choosing to blog because people can choose to come here and read it. You can stop reading whenever you want and you can come back whenever you want. You can also ignore it and carry on.
I’ve spent too much of my life begging, pleading, and teaching those who “love” me how to listen. I’ve spent too much of my life begging and waiting around for someone to give me the basic human right to take up space. I have a voice and I’m going to use it. You don’t have to listen. I don’t need anyone or everyone to listen. I just need to put it all out there because I know that there has to be someone, someone just like me, who’s been silenced and caged and tamed and who wants to be set free but doesn’t know how to make it happen.
I’m going to be a part of the ‘Glennon Doyle movement’ in this world- untamed and brave, empowering, authentic, and free. ❤
Here are my pearls. Here is my heart. Ready or not, let’s ride.
Keturah Mae Shine 