(I’m hearing Bill Murray in Scrooged- “I’m back! I can see now!” 😂)
I’ve missed this space. I’ve missed us.
Over the past year and a half since my last public post, I’ve done a lot of deep work, the brave work—stepping more fully into my voice, my divinity, and my healing.
What started as intentional ascension through twin flame awareness, trauma recovery, divorce, and nervous system rewiring has blossomed into a life aligned with unshakeable peace and clarity.
✨ What I’ve learned and celebrated so far:
Rooted out complex trauma, healed wounds, and redefined worth as God gave it to me.
I’ve walked through divorce with integrity and grace, and I’ve emerged in ease—in body, mind, and spirit.
I’ve established energetic sovereignty: boundaries that honor me, relationships that uplift, and a restored alignment with God’s love.
I’ve forgiven myself and others. Set free from old identity loops.
I’ve Chosen heaven.
What I’m coming back to share:
🌈 My ongoing healing process and how that affects my life, relationships, and my life purpose.
❤️🔥The Twin Flame journey—you know I’ll speak the truth on soul mirrors, ascension triggers, and sacred union. ❤️ Relationship dynamics—how to love deeply, without losing yourself. 🕊️ Emotional + energetic healing tools—I’m sharing more about MAP, the Mirror Exercise, nervous system recalibration, and practices that worked for me. 🌟Spiritual integration—reconnecting with Divine Self in everyday life, grounded in unconditional Love and God’s grace.
What’s coming next:
Blog series: Signature essays on love, loss, ascension, and emerging awareness.
YouTube shorts and videos: talking about my insights on love, God, and life
Community connection: More Q&A, invited questions, reader reflections.
Let’s build this journey together.
Want to see specific stories or topics covered? Have questions about your Twin Flame path, or how to heal trauma without losing your joy? Drop me a message, comment below, or connect with me via my link tree.
It’s been about 180 days since I started on my intentional ascension path. (I say intentional because I think I always have been, we all are. Just now, I’m CHOOSING it).
When I started, I didn’t even know what ascension meant. I mean, I know what the word means. But I didn’t know what it meant for me.
I write about this here. But, more important is today.
This is a healing journey first and foremost. I am a healer. I’ve always been a healer. I love people and I want to share the truth because I want people to be set free.
I matter 🦋
In the spring of 2014, almost a year after I was fired from my favorite job working with my favorite person, I was prophesized over. While praying in a small group at a women’s retreat, my friend’s friend, Carol, who I had never met, began singing in tongues. My friend Gina, translated. Carol kept saying “healer, counselor, healer”. When we finished praying (and crying), Gina said that God was calling me to become a counselor.
Me… 😳🥹
Less than a month later Liberty University called me saying they received an inquiry from me (I didn’t submit an inquiry 😅). I hadn’t told anyone I was considering going back to school. It was like a teeny tiny idea. But, they had me on the phone, we talked about my vision for the world, and they said “you’d be a perfect fit for our marriage and family therapy program”. Three months later I started my master’s program at Liberty University.
I was in a LOT of emotional pain back then. I knew I was called to do MORE with my life, but I didn’t know what, how, or when. God knew though. God made a way.
He always makes a way.
My 3.5 year master’s journey was also a self healing journey. All that healing took me out of our shabby home on an off ramp and brought me to the rural suburbs. My vibration increased as I healed and I attracted wealth. Not just money. But a priceless relationship – with my supervisor who is a sage of his own kind (and very very much reminds me of my spiritual teacher and my twin flame ❤️🔥). I attracted a neighborhood that is peaceful and safe. I also attracted A LOT of clients on the same journey as me. They made me the therapist I am today and I’m forever grateful 🥰
The purpose of ascension is to heal the consciousness and “ascend” closer to God and all that God is. You can achieve some levels of higher vibration without really knowing you’re doing it just by pursuing more. God’s wealth and abundance are limitless and if you desire more, you can remove the blocks to achieve whatever you want. This is what the “overnight success” story is… The intentional purification of your consciousness to align with your desires. Believing you deserve more and allowing yourself to receive it. 🦋
You and God are ONE. If you have a desire it’s because God gave it to you. (You have to think about this deeply, not surface-ly, God is not a vicious careless uncompassionate God).
This is why I was able to achieve what I did. Because I purified parts of my consciousness which drew me closer to God and this manifested in the 3D as new home, new town, new relationships, new opportunities.
But I held on to old parts which kept me conflicted, strained, stressed, depressed, small. And repeating some of the same patterns.
This applies to all relationships 💕
I’m now ascending ON PURPOSE. Which is a much more intense journey – the pruning and perfecting can be painful at times, especially when I resist feeling my feelings and letting go of old patterns.
In the past 180 days I’ve been intentionally purging my consciousness of everything that is out of alignment with God.
The most important part of this process is to understand Who God Is and let go of every belief and idea that isn’t God. I had a LOT of misaligned beliefs about God.. lots of rotten fruit to be shaken out of my tree so I could begin to bear more fruit.
This is the process of ascension, of making a full 180. You can do it too! We all belong in God’s kingdom. He has a very special plan and process for you, too 💖
I’ve been doing this work for 6 months and it’s time to fully release all the gunk and embrace all the good. Worthiness and unforgiveness kept me stuck in the old and as a result I was experiencing a LOT of contrast and negativity. Basically, the universe was screaming at me… LET IT GO KITTY!!!
I thought “let it go” meant let go of everything I want. Nope. It doesn’t. I’m done believing that lie.
Let it go means…
Let go of scarcity, poverty, lack.
Let go of guilt, shame, and condemnation.
Let go of self punishment.
Let go of powerlessness and smallness.
Let go of weakness, depression, sadness, anxiety, and worry.
Let go of my trauma story; let go of feeling unlovable.
Let go of willfulness, trying, pining, chasing, controlling.
Let go of emotional chaos and emotional immaturity, explosiveness, demandingness, emotional intensity.
Let go of provoking and passive aggressiveness and anger.
Let go of these immature patterns that aren’t serving me. These patterns are not of God. And now that I’m pursuing God with my whole heart, there’s no room for these things. If I try to hold on to them, even subconsciously, God will not allow it and I will experience negative consequences- and I have! This is God’s way of loving me, loving us.
Heaven on earth has boundaries, too. ❤️🔥
I’m still healing but I’ve made HUGE strides because of the healing, learning, and growing I’ve done in my ascension school and with my ascension coach at Twin Flames Universe.
Side note – if you still think it’s a cult or you think I can’t discern properly lol, that’s your own stuff and I encourage you to work through it using the mirror exercise AND read their media statement. That’s all I’m going to say about that because entertaining fear and doubt isn’t a game I’m playing anymore 🕊️ I’m intelligent, discerning, and very protective of my heart, mind, time, and resources. I had to work through doubt and fear too and stop projecting it onto other people ❤️ it’s safe to trust Love.
So, with that said! ❤️🔥🔥💖🥳🎉🎊🥂
And it’s time to celebrate my success. It’s time to celebrate my 180! 🦋
Through the help of my teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, my coach Michaila, my MAP practitioner Christie, the TFU community, and my ascension buddies, I have successfully…
Healed Complex PTSD and childhood sexual abuse trauma. Yes, it’s healed. 🦋
Divorced, grieved, and now live in peace with my exhusband. We coparent beautifully and naturally. We respect each other and coexist as friendly Divine children of God. 🦋
Made over 7k since January by purging unneeded items. I did this by valuing myself and thus, this energy went into my things. I see myself as valuable thus my stuff is valued 🦋
Unenmeshed myself emotionally and financially from my ex and I now manage my own finances. I am working on getting my own loans, housing, health insurance, etc. I am becoming an adult. This is probably one of the most humbling things to admit. I was completely dependent on Bryce. Towards the end I couldn’t make any decisions on my own. I didn’t even like to make a phone call. I now have freedom, my own resources, and 50% of weekends to myself to do what I want. If you’re a mom, you get how valuable this time is. Divorce has been an incredible gift! 🦋
I have restored multiple strained/estranged relationships. I’ve even talked to my dad a few times (we didn’t speak for 10 years). I don’t desire a close relationship with him because he’s not safe, but I feel at peace with our relationship. This is true for all my relationships, actually. I’ve completely lost contact with a few that were not healthy, I’ve established inner boundaries with ones I desire to keep in contact with, and I’ve acquired a whole community of unconditionally loving friends and people who truly want the best for me, who are also pursuing God with their whole heart. This is a very big deal to me. I’ve always wanted this. 🦋
And lastly, but not leastly, I’m healing my relationship with God, Jesus, and the church. 6 months ago I had a LOT of hurt and anger towards the church. I’ve felt my feelings and released the pain and upset. I understand that people only give what they know and understand. No one intentionally tried to hurt me. We all have a responsibility to “be above reproach” but most don’t really know what that means. And that’s okay. That’s their journey. They can only harm me if I allow them, and I did. And now, I’m not. I choose to see everyone as a divine child of God, on their own journey to Love. 🦋
I now understand that I am One with God. I am not separate from him. 🦋
I own all of my feelings and upsets. I’ve stopped projecting onto other people, I’ve stopped blaming others for my suffering. I’m responsible for my healing.
🦋
And, I’ve healed and continue to heal communication. My twin flame and I are not in communication and won’t be in physical communication as long as I’m harboring unforgiveness, anger, and acting from a place of emotional immaturity and explosiveness. I’ve healed and I’m healing passive aggressiveness, manipulation, coercion, willfulness, and the pattern where I provoke, control, demand, and become vitriolic. This is humbling to admit but it’s the truth. In my deepest darkest parts and pain, I have not been very loving or kind. I was this way to others because I was this way to myself. I choose to forgive myself, surrender this toxic pattern, and communicate with myself and others from a place of compassion, gentleness, grace, and Love.
I am no longer unloving to myself. Feels pretty good 🥰🦋
Scripture says over and over that we are forgiven. This is not something we will experience in heaven. We are already IN heaven if we choose to be. You get to choose whether you experience heaven or hell, right now.
I choose heaven. I am free. I am forgiven. I am a new creation! 🦋
I’m able to make a 180 because I realize now that I am in complete control of my life, my self. No one’s going to do it for me or even with me. I have lots and lots of support but because I’ve called in all of Me, my Divine Self, NO ONE is going to or has enabled me to stay small.
For this, I am eternally grateful.
Amen amen amen. I choose this. 🦋
Thank you for journeying with me. I’ve only just begun! 🦋
I don’t think I realized how much heartache, pain, and confusion I have carried in my body. I’ve always been pretty resilient. I’ve never had allergies. I’ve never gotten a rash (other than poison ivy 😬😅) But now my body continues to react to the trauma work I’m doing by breaking out in rashes/hives. It started on my most sensitive and intimate parts… The parts directly affected by the abuse trauma, and now it’s radiating out to my extremities.
It’s like working its way OUT of me.
The meaning I’m making out of this is that my body is working hard to release the “score” that trauma has left in my body because it had no place to go. The rash is proof that it’s working. Amazing.
Our bodies are truly amazing.
My skin is feeling dry and like leathery now that it’s healing. I’m using Curel- a lotion called “ultra healing” which I feel like it’s another message of confirmation. I’m healing. Praise God. 🙌
The new layer of skin has me feeling like a brand new person. Like I shed my old life. I will give a brand new body, a healed body, to my twin flame. This is just so divine and I had no idea this was God’s plan. I’m so grateful. He deserves all of me. The best version of me. ❤️🔥
The temporary leathery feeling is a reminder to have good boundaries. To protect my body, to treat it like the temple it is. I feel like God is giving me a second chance. Complete and total healing. It’s a miracle. It’s MAP. ❤️🔥
In Ascension School, Jeff and Shaleia teach that we all have a twin flame and the purpose of twin flames is to experience God’s love; heaven on earth. The process of achieving union involves removing all blocks to love. This is also the process of ascension, oneness with God. Because God is love, removing all blocks to love naturally results in oneness with God or Christ consciousness. This is a simple process… But not easy. We all have different blocks. Twin flame couples have the same. exact. blocks. This is one of the ways we can PROVE twin flames are real. Because of these blocks. And, like freaking magic, only one twin needs to heal those blocks. Because we share the same consciousness, as I heal, he heals. I don’t need to talk to him. I don’t need to teach him. I don’t need to mother him, parent him, push him, pressure him. He’s a divine being and will heal with God’s love and presence in his life. Twin flames ALWAYS have a deep deep spiritual life and bond. We activate that growth and desire in each other and then perfectly mirror each other’s spiritual growth and core beliefs. This isn’t a theory. This is literally science. It can be proven by comparing core values and core blocks and also by doing the work and watching twins become magnetized to each other. My ascension coach did the work and magnetized her twin flame and didn’t even know him. It’s seriously amazing. Y’all might think it’s too good to be true but that’s God. God is too good to be true and yet, here we all are.
Because God LOVES US he created us this way, with a divine partner, one human who experiences all of life at the core the same way you do. It will look different on the outside. Just like Jesus’ work on earth looks different than the Holy Spirit’s work. This is how we’re made in God’s image (think about how the trinity works as one). Twin Flames ❤️🔥
One of the most telling signs of true twin flames is their core blocks. Every couple has that one big mountain that they think they’ll never get over. I’ve been working hard and fast (sorry twin flame… But also, I know you’re strong and you got this. We got this ❤️🔥) so I’ve been moving through years of upsets and contrast like a boss 🙌 but my next (building) block has made itself known… And it’s a biggy. It keeps coming up. Over and over and over and over.
It’s silence.
My twin hasn’t spoken to me since I infiltrated his life in October and dropped the life changing “I’m getting divorced” bomb on his lap. I didn’t understand twin flames back then. At all. So I pushed and chased and was really anxious and really needy. I was confused, hurting, desperate. I was trying to get something from him. And he loved me perfectly by not giving it to me.
In soul mate and karmic relationships this energy is no problem. In fact, lots of people build relationships on this energy of misery, common enemy, shared grief. Using each other to feel better. Not twin flames. They can’t. Is not divine so we can’t align. Instead, we push each other energetically to ascend. To pursue the heart of God. Because it’s only ever actually about God.
That’s how I can “do this”, mom. Because it’s only ever about God.
Twin flames are God’s perfect design for union on this planet. Created from the same soul, they MUST devote their heart, soul, mind, everything to God to be in unity. And God rewards their union with so. much. good. He and I had a taste of that for a few sweet months ten years ago. A few sweet months (and years of friendship and heartache) is what kept me alive during the dark ages (2017-June 2022). It’s what woke me up. It’s what pulled me out of my house in the middle of the night and threw me into my car bare foot and had me drive the 59.7 miles to his house with no explanation other than “Go. Now”.
It’s God. It’s all about God. He called me home to get me to Go Back Home.
I’ve learned that God wants us to be Happy. God cares about what I care about. God is a loving God. A good good Father. And like a good good father, he wants me to have everything I want. My desires have always been good and pure because that is my true soul’s nature. I’m pursuing the heart of God. I’m not going to have a desire outside of His desires.
Sorry church, you’ve messed up. That’s a different post for a different day. But anyone reading should know that 1. God sees you. 2. GOD is in control. 3. God wants to give you the desires of your heart because he is a good God. A God of abundance. Align with LOVE and you’ll understand the heart of God.
The strongest desire of my heart has always been for my twin flame. And then, I met him, and my heart and mind and body exploded into this new version of me. It took me a minute (5,259,600 of them) to understand what happened and why… Now I finally understand.
I will have my harmonious union.
No, it doesn’t look like that on the outside. He may even come here and read this and be like “wtf Kitty, you’re crazy”. I understand now that EVERYTHING he feels and thinks it’s just a mirror for me to see the same thing within myself. And I heal it. For both of us. Just watch. Watch it unfold.
It. Will. Happen. ❤️🔥 In fact, because time is an illusion and meaningless in God’s eternity, it’s already happened. It already exists. That’s why I have dreams and visions. Because it’s already here 💗
So, the next step that’s been revealed is my younger me.
She’s been asking to be heard for a long time. I have no idea what she has to say. Or when she’ll be done speaking. I have no idea if this is the big mountain… But I know it’s one of them because silence is quite possibly the most hurtful thing a person could do to me. And all. the. men. in my life have given me years of silence.
And I’ve given myself years of silence, too.
I know how to heal it. I don’t know all the parts, yet. I’m asking God for wisdom and insight. He keeps calling me to write. And also… Vlog. So yeah. An elder millennial vlogging her way through life. More on this another day.
For tonight… I’m snuggling my childhood stuffies- two Care Bears- that have special meaning to me and my twin… Cupcakes and rainbows 💗
I believe it can all be cupcakes and rainbows, joja 💗
And, I’m listening to this song on repeat as I write myself and the world a love letter to myself. As I give her the love she always wanted and never realized she had… Right there… In her heart the whole. time.
Dear younger me Where do I start If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far Then you could be One step ahead Of all the painful memories still running thru my head I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me I cannot decide Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life Or do I go deep And try to change The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride Dear younger me, If I knew then what I know now Condemnation would’ve had no power My joy, my pain would’ve never been my worth If I knew then what I know now Would’ve not been hard to figure out What I would’ve changed if I had heard
Dear younger me It’s not your fault You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross Dear younger me You are holy You are righteous You are one of the redeemed Set apart a brand new heart You are free indeed Every mountain every valley Thru each heartache you will see Every moment brings you closer To who you were meant to be
You are holy You are righteous You are one of the redeemed Set apart a brand new heart You are free indeed
Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
Adding this song to go with the image I chose to go with this writing… My dear friend sent it to me today because she knows… She knows my heart.
This spiritual journey sure is interesting! Now having a better understanding of how this all works I’m much more comfortable with it happening.
Anyone else like me? I have this deep desire (maybe even a need 😬) to understand. I don’t know if this is a survival skill that I developed somewhere along the way or part of my humanness? Not sure. But I can pretty much go along with anything if I understand why and there’s a good explanation/reason. I won’t shave my head if you just tell me to but if it’s for a good cause, I might consider it! 😅
But don’t just tell me that ‘it is what it is’ when it is miserable for no good reason or it clearly doesn’t have to be that way.
God is calling me into deeper levels of trust. For the first 6 weeks or so, He made it clear that I needed to “surrender and trust” without explanation or giving me much understanding. It took me about that long to really listen, too. I think this is hard for most people- to completely surrender and trust. Especially when it comes to a love interest. We’re taught to go get it and get it now. And if they don’t respond right away then “fuck em” or “they’re being a jerk and you deserve better”. Lots of people out there believe twin flame relationships are “toxic”… And it’s easy to understand how people come to that conclusion. (Lots of people think God is toxic too 😬). I have lots of people inquiring about the status of my twin flame relationship and when I say to those who don’t know or understand this process that “I haven’t heard a peep” they look at me like I have ten heads lol. They are filled with doubt and suspicion. Trust me friends, 6 months ago I very much felt the same. Like what is this madness?!?!
The difference between then and now is that now I understand how twin flames “work”. Y’all are not going to understand but… He’s actually loving me perfectly 🥰
It feels so good to finally understand.
But the surrender and trust came before the understanding.
God is calling me into deeper levels of trust and surrender as I continue on this purge, prune, and purify journey. Surrender and trust get easier the more I do it, thankfully.
God knew exactly where I would need to be in my relationship with him to experience upheaval. And it’s crazy because not even 6 months ago I was freaking out and passing out!
Disclaimer: I know this sounds woowoo to some of you. I don’t really care what you think but because I want to spread the good news, I’m willing to briefly address it. I’m well aware of your concerns and appreciate your skepticism. If you know me at all you know that I have a healthy dose of skepticism in me and that I’m very careful about what I invest my time, money, and energy into. (Especially given the crazy amounts of insane contrast I’ve already experienced in my life 😅) You can trust that I’ve done my research, consulted people I trust, and most importantly, talked with God. For me, TFU and MAP get a BIG green GO sign from God. I am choosing to trust my discernment process as it has. not. mislead. me. yet. God is not a trickster and I have NO desire to get mixed up in nonsense. I choose to trust and surrender.
Every good thing triggers upsets and doubt in others. We’re sooo conditioned to believe that learning, healing, relationships, and love can’t be easy. We must suffer through it right? NO! WRONG! We don’t need to suffer. We just believe we do. Well, I choose to believe differently and trust those who have gone before me. Messing around with spirituality is a HUGE risk and this spiritual community doesn’t take their responsibility lightly. With that said, I understand your concerns and I had them too. I’ve tested them and my school, coach, and teachers continue to prove themselves legit. Not just legit, but full of LOVE. Better yet, God is really showing up – in miracles!!! This community is amazing. God’s design, twin flames, how it ‘works’, is amazing. Of course it is! It’s God! 🙌
So, upheaval.
It’s well known that most experience some kind of upheaval during this process of healing and ascension. Basically, upheaval is the process by which old beliefs, thought patterns, and traumas leave the ‘system’. This can look and feel like a lot of physical and emotional symptoms – exhaustion, crying, a lot, mood swings, and changes in priorities and thinking. Many people experience physical symptoms after their first MAP session. I was feeling SO GOOD after my MAP session – I was worried that it didn’t heal me at the core… And then… This happened…
I’m not usually that red and puffy lol
I developed a rash all over my body. I never get hives and I don’t have any allergies so this is definitely weird. I saw the Dr and he agreed, it’s likely upheaval! Trauma is leaving my body! My skin broke out on my chin and I developed an infection- doc said all the swelling and heat caused it out so now I’m on meds 😅 oy. Interesting that my upheaval is presenting as acne- something I struggled with since my CSA. I’ve learned that spiritually speaking, acne and other skin conditions manifest as a result of repressed anger and boundary violations. So OF COURSE my body would use that method to purge my trauma from my consciousness. Our bodies are amazing. Wow.
I’m grateful because this means the trauma is LEAVING MY BODY!!!!!
I’ve done some form of trauma therapy for the past 10 years and I’ve 1) never felt better and 2) never had a physical response. This is wild.
Of course I could attribute it to other things. A virus, an allergy, etc etc. Of course I could. I could also freak out and worry myself to death. Instead, I choose to believe it’s upheaval because my body has for sure kept the score of my CSA. And now my body, our bodies…. Are releasing it!
If you’re interested in learning more about how the body keeps the score of trauma check out this book.
So… Anna got sick too. She slept with me the night before and right at the same time my rash broke out, she developed a fever with no other symptoms. Later she began throwing up randomly over the next 36 hours or so. She’s also sleeping a lot.
No one else is sick.
If you know me, you know I’ve always had a vomiting phobia. This is a different story but the fact that I’m laying in bed next to her and not anxious is a miracle. 🌱
Healing is REAL!!! And it can be easy! MAP is the way! ❤️🔥
God-incidentally this song is playing…
The lyrics say “lay down your burdens”.
That’s exactly what the Mind Alignment Process does. It’s goal is to have you release your trauma triggers and memories- to lay down your burdens. And take up the mind of Christ, healing. Your birth right!
The amazing thing about this is that the process is so simple and SO effective. It really feels like a miracle. God is still on the move and He is still speaking to and inspiring us. We’re not used to recovery being easy. We’re used to paying lots of money, spending lots of time. Today’s recovery process is much like the Old Testaments ‘sin cleansing process’. It required a LOT of sacrifice. The OT stories exist for the purpose of contrast. So people can compare – ‘this is life without Jesus’, ‘this is life with Jesus’. Unfortunately, some people, even some with good intentions, try to create short cuts or methods to healing that just don’t work because they’re not inspired by God. There are lots of healing methods that exist today that in comparison feel like sacrificing animals and following a list of rules as long as a CVS receipt 🤣
Her face lol
Think about it though.
A good God would not make healing hard. That’s the whole message of Jesus. He died for our sins so we don’t have to pay for them anymore!
OT = CVS receipt, Jesus = no receipt.
It really is just that simple. Sadly the evangellies and much of the modern church still tries to make people pay for their sins. They do this by hyperfocusing on the sins of others and condemning them into guilt and submission. They do it by saying things like “hate the sin not the sinner”. You realize that this is SO not something Jesus said?? Sorry church, you missed the point of Jesus.
I digress.
Here’s what I think is going on. But before I share, please know that I am not just making this up out of thin air. I’ve done a lot of reading and talking to my spiritual mentors and they confirm… This is how healing happens. This is upheaval.
I think Anna is upheavaling with me. I won’t get into the details but this is how trauma works. (If you’re interested you can read more here). Trauma creates an imprint on our DNA and that imprint gets passed on until someone chooses to heal their consciousness. Because women are born with all the ovum they’ll ever have, her grandchildren are affected by her experiences. When I was pregnant with Anna she had all her eggs- therefore, I carried my grandchildren. This is why generations tend to repeat cycles. Because the patterns are engrained in us- not just by nurture but more so by nature!
We are all energetically connected. You experience, or prove this when your mood is affected by another’s mood. Or you walk into a room and the energy is off. Or you just get a feeling about someone or something and later find out you were right. It’s energy.
Mothers have a special energetic bond with their children, especially before they reach puberty. Because of this, I think Anna’s body is purging the genetic coding and what would be a triggered response to inherited trauma that she may experience later in life. She’s also clearing the DNA coding in her ovum- or future babies! Of course God would make it easy to heal and that we would have everything we need within us to heal ourselves, our children, and our children’s children. That is such a God thing! 🙌
Our bodies are either responding to the healing I did in MAP, or we both attracted a virus to help us along, or purge, the gunk out of our system!
Amazing.
For this reason, I can embrace upheaval. I can embrace my weird hives and infection. And, amazingly, I can embrace her puking. Because we’re healing. And we’ll never have to heal this ever again. 👏🙌💝
Something I’m learning on my spiritual journey is that only love is real. Only Unconditional Love exists. So… anything that doesn’t align with that is an illusion. Hurt, pain, sickness, death, fear, anger, judgement, etc etc etc… It’s all an illusion. Of course you can experience the illusion of these things. But this is why some people don’t get sick or don’t have the same fears. Because it’s not real. It’s why LOVE CONQUERS ALL. Because IT IS REAL.
This is why Jesus could heal and walk on water and ascended. Because he tore the veil between truth and lies. Between reality and illusion.
The church I grew up in (not the building but the theology) taught me that God is angry, judging me, and that I’m a deplorable sinner. That I must “carry my cross” and accept the “thorn in my side”. Even recently a pastor said to me that marriage is something we must “burden under”!!!
Wait… What?!?!?!
If God is love and God made me and God is perfect and can only make perfect things (right?!?!) Then I am perfect. I get the whole “fallen world” bit. Jesus paid it all so we wouldn’t have to suffer. So we wouldn’t have to be burdened. That’s the gift!!!! What’s the point of Jesus if we still live burdened or in captivity to our sin??? Did he pay it all or not? Is God perfect or not? Am I made in his image or not? A good God would not “burden” his children with marriage. That’s nonsense.
Jesus paid it all. Grace is free. We’re free. It wasn’t an affair. I was, it IS, LOVE 😘
I want to share a little story about how God’s grace really showed up during this 10-year journey since I met my twin flame.
After my twin flame and I met and ‘happened’ my pastor and therapist called it an affair and demonized us. No one would listen. I didn’t understand so I couldn’t make anyone else understand. I had so much guilt and shame over our connection and our love for each other and how that was expressed in the physical. It was beautiful and horrible. I felt so alive and so terrible. I was so in love and couldn’t have him.
If you’ve been here and have a conscience, you get it. I went on a 3-year journey of trying to understand how and why I found myself in an “affair”… It was SO out of character for me. During that time, God really revealed to me the true meaning of grace, which even though I grew up as a Bible thumping evangelical Christian, I had no idea what grace was until then. I did a lot of healing and God really showed up with so much love for me. Grace became my life source.
Today I was listening to the song Flawless by MercyMe and was reminded of a really sweet gift.
About 8 years ago, I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. During the pregnancy, this song, Flawless, was on the radio A LOT. I love singing it, it’s such a great song 💓
Every time it would get to the lyrics “Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”, I would be overwhelmed with emotion and the baby would start kicking and fluttering about.
I felt like angels were singing over me. 🥰
Fast forward to the day my daughter was born. We didn’t have a name picked out for her. All I knew was that her middle name would be Grace.
She was born on her great-grandfather’s birthday so we chose to name her Anna after his mother, her great great grandmother. About 12 hours after she was born, my mom asked ” What does the name Anna mean?” I didn’t know because we hadn’t considered it for her first name so we looked it up…
Well… It means Grace. 💫
Yeah, her name is Grace Grace! 😂😍💓
The first night we spent together she woke up to nurse and Flawless was playing in my head. At that moment God’s grace and love washed over me. I realized that God knew all along that her name would be “Grace Grace” and that’s why those lyrics filled me with so much emotion!
“Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”.
Back then I thought my daughter was a gift from God as part of my redemption story. It was my “reward” for choosing my marriage and doing everything that I could to heal from my “affair” and rebuild the marriage. I thought God showed me grace by giving me a perfect daughter because I made the “right” choice…
I no longer believe that. I do believe she is a gift of grace, but not because I earned her.
God loves me so he’s going to bless me no matter what. God loves me no matter what. There is no condemnation! There is NO SIN. It’s an ILLUSION.
It wasn’t an affair. We didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t hurt anyone. We didn’t hurt each other. I don’t have the power to hurt someone. We are eternal beings, made in God’s image. We can only experience the illusion of “hurt”. This is why when we THINK differently, we can make that pain go away.
I now KNOW that what happened between me and my twin was NOT an affair. In fact, I believe that I had an affair with my ex-husband! My spiritual teachers teach that having sex with anyone but your twin flame is like having sex with a sibling! Well, this made that whole relationship make sense….. 💀😂😅 I believe this truth is one of the HUGE reasons many couples don’t enjoy or stop enjoying intimacy/sex in relationships/marriage. Because hormones and the high only lasts so long. And your soul KNOWS you’re being intimate with a sibling 🤢
But the passion and romance between twins never fades. It’s why I still have feelings and desires ten years later! (And we didn’t even speak for the last 5 years!)
Twin Flame love is MAGIC ❤️🔥
I was married for 4 years when I met my twin (11 years ago). Even though I was already married to someone else, I always felt like I was betraying my twin, betraying us, by being in my marriage and doing married… things. I didn’t understand this because I thought I should have guilt because I was married and feeling desire for someone else. I didn’t have any guilt about my feelings about him until the “church” piled it on.
I never enjoyed doing married things. I’d pull away from touch, from hugs and kisses… I never initiated sex. I was irritable, annoyed, suicidal, in constant pain, lackluster, and just downright miserable. I thought something was wrong. with. me. Nothing I did made it better. And I TRIED.
I now understand that God gave me a living gift of Grace to show me how innocent and worthy of Love I am. I’m worthy of all my Good. I’m worthy of a marriage that is passionate and reciprocal and always growing, never stagnant. The ONLY relationship this is always possible with is your twin flame.
It’s not woowoo. It’s science. It works the same for EVERY twin flame. A method. A process. It’s God. You must have a close, intimate, safe, very personal relationship with God before you can be in Harmony with your twin.
My exhusband and I are smart, kind, committed, selfless, spiritual and loving people!!!!! We tried and tried. We used every resource, every method to heal and grow our relationship. It didn’t work because we’re not twin flames. It was destined to fail. And it did. When we made the decision to end it it fell apart, no problem. No drama.
My daughter is 7 now and the other day she said, unprompted, “I’m okay with you loving (my TF) because I already know him”. She was not even one the last time she saw him.
Her soul knows. My kids love him because HE IS ME!!! No introduction needed. No need to get to know him. If you know me, you already know him. 🥰
Final thoughts…
I don’t know if anyone else has boat loads of religious indoctrination and trauma, but, I want to confidently say that YOU ARE FLAWLESS.
You are perfect 💖
God’s Grace covers all.
And if you and your TF had an affair, I want to say —
IT WASN’T AN AFFAIR!!! 💥
There was always a grander, more beautiful, incredibly loving plan and reason for why he and I happened when we did. God is still revealing this to me, but I absolutely believe now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t an affair. It was love, it IS love, and God is love. I’m free from all guilt, shame, and condemnation!
Because of grace, grace, God’s grace ❤️🔥
I’m so thankful for this journey, so thankful for my coach and spiritual teachers, I’m so thankful for my community. I’m finally home ❤️
The end of last week was pretty rough. In a matter of a few minutes all this shit came flying at my face. And I had to keep my cool because I had a client coming in like 2 minutes.
You ever experience this? Someone drops some bombs or hurts your feelings or looks at you the wrong way and it infiltrates your mind for the next 25… hours?
I know I’m not alone here.
In case you’re not caught up, I’m on a pretty wild and amazing spiritual journey. Some days I’m feeling GREAT. I’m feeling and giving all the love… I feel light, I’m playing, singing, dancing… Today is one of those days. ❤️🔥
Thursday last week was… Not.
I tend to have days like this often enough that I remember that I have days like this. Like where nothing goes my way. Before ascension school I would just blow up or give up… Go to bed. I’d probably manifest a migraine so I’d have an “excuse” to take care of myself and rest. Oy… Not a healthy place to be!
My day would just spiral out of control and I’d be done for before lunch time. I’m not embarrassed to admit this because I know this is a very human experience. Upset after upset after upset. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
When I met my twin flame, we had a fairly long series of amazing days. My marriage may have been… dead… but work…. It was divine. That’s what your twin does to your life when you meet. Everything is perfect. The shared energy is heavenly. Your inner child comes out to play. Everything is beautiful, simple, sweet… Until it’s not. Most people are familiar with a “honeymoon phase” in relationships… The same thing happens to twin flames… But it’s better 😍
Sadly, no one really knows anything about twin flames and how these upsets cause SO MUCH PAIN and distress. And no one teaches us how to deal with upsets! This would have been nice especially for someone like me…who has big feels, gets easily defensive, and a bit self righteous 😬 like how am I supposed to work through all of my upsets!!!!!
I have plenty of “skills”. I’ve done it all. Out of desperation (and exhaustion) I learned how to stuff and tough (lol I just made that up). TBH, none of the skills worked. Prayer with a heavy dose of surrender was probably the most effective. I could stomach letting go but my feelings still hurt.
I’m a recovering hoarder of hurt feelings.
So, because I had no place to go with my hurt feelings, I learned to bitch. Whine. Complain. Vent. Vent to everyone. I got 5 friends on speed dial and with particularly juicy upsets I’d make sure they all heard about it.
This is what I did this past weekend 😬
Last thursday was just a manifestation of my former life. I was out of touch with my body, moving too fast and not taking breaks. In my former life, I lost touch with my Good (God), entered into a 10+ year state of pain and punishment and separation, which resulted in a pretty miserable and bitchy Kitty. I wouldn’t have known or admitted that during those 10 years… But hindsight…
It got so bad over the past couple years that someone called me “vitriolic”. I was seeing narcissists everywhere. “Everyone’s a narcissist”… This is what I realized was my prominent thought in my work and in life and I felt so out of whack!!! My vision was fading and my outlook was bleak. I KNEW in my heart that something was up with me.
As they say, garbage in, garbage out, and misery loves company. I never intended to become an angry complaining gossip machine… But as the sad years passed… That’s what happened. I was almost constantly upset… Pointing fingers at everyone.
Ascension School and Twin Flames Universe have given me the priceless miracle of the mirror exercise which has been helping me heal SO MUCH. But… Because I asked God to give me the fast track, He lovingly pushed me straight outta the nest and I very predictably returned to my natural state of…. flailing. LoL.
The really cool thing is that when we make a choice to be different, to surrender and transcend our childish ways, God will not let us fall back into old patterns easily! PTL!
But, here I was, on my ascension path, bitching. Wahh wahh wahh. And surprise surprise, I felt like shit. I didn’t like where my mind was going, I was full of worry, doubt, anxiety, anger, and vitriol…. The pain in my chest returned, I manifested a stomach ache that night and the next morning… I woke up with this sucker attached to me!
Can I panic yet?
No worries… I’m fine. Prophylactic antibiotics for the win!
What’s important here is the spiritual lesson. I shared these events with my ascension group (I also shared an outburst and some pretty massive upheaval 😬😅), and asked if they had any insight into the significance of the tick.
Because dear reader, there are NO coincidences. And like who gets a tick in January….?….
Well… One said, “the gut feeling I have is that something is sucking your life source”.
Oh, I could blame everyone else. But the truth is…. It was me. I was sucking my life source.
I already had a little insight into this but, God is good and he really loves me and wants me to not miss a very important lesson….
The lesson is…
STOP IT.
Stop venting Kitty. Just stop. Stop calling up or getting together with all your friends and wahh wahh wahh.
Venting is fine, good, even necessary. We MUST feel our feelings, all of them. Stuffing them is not the answer. Vomiting them all over everyone is not the answer either.
As I grow spiritually, my choices, my behavior, my mind is becoming purified. Can you even imagine Jesus sitting around bitching about this thing, that person, blah blah? No!!!
The goal is purification.
The goal is perfection.
Not the kind of perfection that feels controlling. But the kind of perfection that is inspired through God’s goodness and strength. The kind of perfection that sets me free from the behaviors that have sucked out my life source. This kind of perfection is not forced. It’s the natural result of alignment. Of Christ consciousness.
I don’t need to engage in old behaviors. I have new skills, a higher vibration that can not tolerate endless venting and no peace. I was sucking the peace and love out of me by running my mouth. 🤐
Tonight while meditating I got a horrific image of a car hitting Anna. Using the ME, I realized that I’m afraid of taking myself out. Of smashing into myself and blasting me off my path. My healing process revealed that 1) that’s not possible if I’m choosing to keep going. God won’t allow anything to side swipe me. The only way I’ll fail is if I CHOOSE to give up. And 2) if I try to move too fast I won’t notice the signs that I’m out of alignment. Meaning, if I jump from person to person, house to house and vent about the same thing, the busyness will keep me from being able to feel my body saying “SLOW DOWN and FEEL your FEELINGS”. I’ve been running running running for most of my life. The only time I ever allowed myself to be present with my body and feel my feelings was when I gave birth to my three babies and all the sweet slow moments with my beautiful twin flame 🔥
So, now, instead of running in circles, I choose to remember who the fuck I am and stay in my Good. No one has the power to tear me down unless I give it to them. No more. I’m done with that shit. I deserve peace. I deserve my Good. I’m done with my childish ways.
Today I choose to receive the gift of the tick. The blood sucking reminder to “beat the drum” of love, not upset.
Because this is how the law of attraction works. Do I want love? Yes. Am I going to get it by venting, bitching, whining, complaining??? No.
Moral of the story…
What I put out, I get back.
Thank you God for being OBVIOUS ❤️🔥
Abe can teach you more about how “beating the drum” works here ❤️🔥
“The longer you hold yourself in vibrational discord with who you really are, the more vivid the discord becomes”. Translation… Kitty was so out of alignment with WHO she TRULY is that a blood sucking TICK had to tell her that! 😅
I’m not getting paid to say this. The only good that comes to me is knowing that I’m sharing the Truth and that you, dear reader, are reading it. This work has changed my life. I’m healing pain and trauma in days that I’ve spent YEARS in therapy for (and I’m a therapist!!! If I was lying I’d be advocating to put myself out of business lol) I believe in this work and in this process ❤️🔥 it’s so Divine. It’s so Good.
As I wake up and shake off the dust, I’m finding myself again. I’m remembering who I am.
I’m finding my light.
I’ve written a lot about why I am the way I am, or, the way I was. Or, who I’m unbecoming. I do this because I never did. Write about it, that is. Or talk about it for that matter.
One of my core upsets is feeling misunderstood or unheard.
Silence has tortured me so much of my life. You want to punish me? Just stop talking to me. Pretend like I don’t exist. Anyone else feel this?
Ironically, God gave me an exhusband who stonewalled me for the majority of 15 years, a father who didn’t talk to me for ten years, family that never asks meaningful questions or listens deeply, friends who thought I was fine when I definitely wasn’t fine, a friend of 30 years who didn’t speak to me for the last two, and a Love, my twin…who didn’t speak to me for five long horrible years.
Thanks to the mirror exercise, I now understand why everyone is silent. I now understand why I’ve suffered SO MUCH.
Because…. for most of my life… I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t hear myself. I didn’t talk to myself. I didn’t understand myself.
I didn’t listen to myself when my insides screamed “run away!” and I laid there, paralyzed. I didn’t listen to myself when my soul wanted to end my marriage ten years ago but I chose to listen to everyone else, my mind, my fear, my ego instead. I didn’t listen to myself…the part of me who was SO IN LOVE with another man…I didn’t listen to her. I silenced her. I denied her. I tried to forget her. I tried to kill her in my mind. I tried to kill my soul.
I didn’t understand myself when I was a silenced kid carrying the weight of the world and didn’t know what to do with it or understand why. Why. Why. I didn’t hear myself crying out for help after every flashback and every nightmare. I didn’t understand myself and why I wanted to die…I didn’t listen to myself. I kept misunderstanding myself. I kept running from myself. I stonewalled myself.
So OF COURSE I would attract more and more situations and people who would keep misunderstanding me. OF COURSE I would keep trying to get people OUTSIDE of me to listen to me… But FAIL and FLAIL because I wasn’t listening to MYSELF.
This feeling of being misunderstood grew and grew especially over the past 5 years or so. God is good and I finally understand why. Because I continued to bury my heart, my truth, my self deeper and deeper. Every day for five years I denied her. I shut her up and I shut her down.
But, she still cried out, “See me, hear me!!!”.
But I buried myself alive.
I could blame everyone else. I want to. I have. You’ve read it. I’ve tried. But no one has shown up on my doorstep and apologized. Even if they did, I’m not even sure it would heal me at the depths of which I feel that pain.
So I write. Because I can. Because I know I’m not the only one. And because I NEED to.
I have 39 years of jumbled up thoughts and pain. Ten years of completely denying myself. A lifetime of completely denying myself of good, of Love.
It’s all coming out now. At first, it wasn’t pretty. I was full of anxiety and panic and desperation. Imagine being buried alive and then one day God takes a shovel and breaks the ground and says “wake up! Come out!”
Writing this now makes me realize that I had my Lazarus moment…. “Lazarus! Come forth!”
“Keturah! Wake up!!!!”
So there she is, my soul, buried six feet under. For the first time in ten years she’s seeing day light again.
My rescue felt like clawing my way out from six feet of packed in dirt. Like tens of thousands of feet had walked on me. It wasn’t pretty. He said I was flailing. Well….I think you might flail too if you realized you were buried alive.
So, I write. I write because I never spoke. Did I say words? Of course I did. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the tendency to be verbose. Especially when I’m anxious. Or when I’m flailing. Or when I’m trying to just survive.
My life is interesting in that the very thing that sets me free is the very thing that hurt me.
My dad is a writer. And an artist. He’s very talented, one of those starving artist and tortured types… Alone, poor, full of dreams but little manifestation. I refused to let that be me. So in my dead days (buried alive) I lost all interest in creating. I didn’t paint. I didn’t draw. I lost my spark. I became lackluster. I never wrote ever, so this is a new creative endeavor for me. And this is why…
All I remember of my dad from my childhood are his aspirations to be an author. He wrote prolifically. He drew pictures to accompany his writing. He was devoted, I’ll give him that. But if you read my earlier posts, you’ll remember that my dad was less than kind to me. And often, that abuse involved his writing.
And because of that, I refuse to become my dad. I refused to write.
The problem is, if I don’t create, I still become him… Full of dreams and no manifestation.
So, when I woke up, I chose to heal it instead continuing to be a victim to it. I healed it by just choosing to do it. For me. To become ME. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I love hearing from people who do read it! But, because I felt forced to stay silent, and then forced myself to stay silent, my noise is now SO LOUD. My healing victory is claiming this for myself and trusting that God will put it in the path of those who need to read it.
When I decided to start a blog, I was terrified. I knew I had a secret and I knew I was supposed to tell it. Torn between doing what’s best for me and what everyone else wants, I was brought to my knees. God said to my soul… They need to hear it. They will read it.
Who is they? I’m still finding out. People come out.of.the.woods. to tell me how much this resonates. How they read me telling their story. Good. I’m glad ❤️. Thankfully, I don’t need validation anymore. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m good or that I’m okay or that I’m making good decisions. I just CHOOSE to believe the God in me who says, “you’re perfect. It’s perfect. Your heart is beautiful. Shine your light baby girl. Say what you need to say”. So, if you’re reading and it helps you, Thank God. Because he told me to. I just listened. Thankfully, it helps me too ❤️🔥
So I guess I’m a writer. This is part of who I am now. This is how I choose to heal. And I’ll keep healing. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep digging up the dirt, keep digging out of my grave, until I find all my light, all my good, and all my treasure. ❤️🔥
Keturah Mae Shine 