I thought it could be helpful to share what I’m reading, listening to, who my teachers are and who has helped me on this journey of freedom and fire. I’ll be updating this list so be sure to check back ❤️
I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for those who have gone before me.
We belong to each other and I’m grateful for all the wisdom in my life ❤️❤️❤️
Every day that I spend ‘in it’ (see ‘Garden State’ fireplace scene), more and more revelations come to me. I just realized this morning WHY I’m doing this– why I feel like I need to share my thoughts with the “world”.
I suppose there are many reasons why. Of course I had a ‘why’ prior to today, so I guess I should say, I discovered another facet of my why.
There are lots of reasons why I haven’t done this. ((see The Secret (releasing today at 1230) and Pearls Before Swine )). There are lots of reasons to keep everything to myself and/or a select few. Honestly, I think most people in my life, most people I really care about, would either straight out advocate for me to keep it all to myself or subtly imply that I shouldn’t share it. (see upcoming post– #MeToo)
It’s interesting that some people find people who wholeheartedly support their truth and process of revealing that truth. As I was listening to We Can Do Hard Things Podcast (you should seriously give it a listen…the most recent episode is on point!), someone shared that in their coming out process they had parents who were very supportive. They specifically stated, “I’m very lucky”. Everyone talking reflected how special this is- to have people in your life who see your light and not only let you shine, but encourage you to shine… (even if they get burned or blinded by the light in the process).
Not everyone is this lucky. Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of people in my life who, I truly believe, want to see me. If you know me and you’re here reading this, you are one of those people and I AM SO GRATEFUL. You haven’t failed me… I’m not angry with you or doing this out of spite or as a way to punish you. I’m hedging right now because I’m so sensitive to other people’s feelings, fears, anxiety, hang ups etc. Sadly, I’ve squashed myself to make you comfortable. That my friends is called Codependency. This topic alone deserves its own podcast…oh wait, there is one … you’re welcome 🙂
Part of this healing journey is moving out of codependency and into interdependence (not independence). Those who have depended on my codependency are likely the most anxious about this blog. Of course you are. My silence has kept your peace.
Five years of silence and ten years of forsaking myself for the sake of others has damn near killed me. I’m so worn out that since July 19th I can’t DO ANYTHING but write. I can’t not do this, friends. Unless you want me to die. For TEN years I’ve been slowly, painfully killing my soul and up until a few weeks ago, I was floating off into oblivion.
Which brings me to my newest ‘why’ facet.
For this, another analogy… or two.
Okay so, you know Frozen, right? Elsa has magic powers that no one knows about or understands. So she is believed to be dangerous and forced to stay locked in her room by her well-intentioned father. She then reveals her powers, oops, and finds a few people who love her for her and yay, the end.
Frozen 2… Elsa still feels out of place…alone… no one gets her. She hears a voice which leads her to her people, her “tribe”. She goes on a journey to “Show yourself
Step into the power
Grow yourself
Into something new
You are the one you’ve been waiting for
All of your life”
This blog is me acknowledging that I’ve been locked in my room, alone. No one knows the depth of pain I’ve suffered. No one knows how much I’ve cried and wanted to die. (Except for Bryce…Bryce mostly knows.) Still, staying locked in my room has made my powers stronger. It’s tempting to go build my own ice palace and live alone with a giant snow monster. The cold never bothered me anyway.
Thank God for the Annas in my life that want me to come home. You are an act of True Love.
This blog, this public process, this is me, stepping into my power, growing myself. I’ve waited for my tribe to find me, help me grow or grow with me.
Maybe I need to ‘show myself’ so we all can grow, so we can all step into our own power and grow something new.
The movie ends beautifully by Elsa giving up her role as queen and living in the magical forest with her tribe. She’s not alone anymore. She is found.
The truth is, I have been stuffing the truth so long that when it was activated it almost killed me (see Elsa: ice powers). I’m “coming out” (see: Let It Go ). There are people who are genuinely concerned and want to understand (see: Anna). There are people who don’t understand and have Village Anxiety and/or want me to STFU (see: Duke of “Weasel Town” 😂 ). Like Elsa, I’ve been silenced for years. I’ve locked away my truth, my light, my hope for the sake of people I love. Coronation day was June 27th 2022. I built my icy palace and thawed myself faster than the time it took to come out with Frozen 2….thank God!
I know this process makes you uncomfortable. I love you so I don’t want to be the source of your discomfort. Catch 22, rock and a hard place, conundrum………..
But I love myself MORE.
Five years of silence and ten years of holding it all in has made me very very very uncomfortable. We can both be a little uncomfortable and move through it or one of us gets to be set free while the other is held captive. I spent my time in captivity. I did my time. You did your time too! Let’s go through this together. Be my Anna, my Kristoff, my Olaf and Sven. Let’s tame and ride this Nokk into Ahtohallan and find the truth and grow something new ❤
Sometimes music says it better than I can
I was a-ready to die for you, baby Doesn’t mean I’m ready to stay What good is livin’ a life you’ve been given If all you do is stand in one place?
Stay tuned for ‘why’ analogy #2– Stranger Things
Honest, Kind. Shine.
Update!:
Okay I found this and omg it’s great! I think they do a better job at explaining the whole analogy than I do. Enjoy ❤
Third post in and I’m going to actually start, I think.
As a therapist, I am always paying attention to how my clients set up their story. Do they dive right in? Or does it take them a few sessions to open up? Everyone is different and while I want to be a safe space where my clients can just ‘spill the tea’, everyone has a different process and that’s okay.
Me? I am a hedger. I tiptoe. Especially with people I don’t know if I can trust. I have always had difficulty being direct. Obviously, this is obvious lol. Three posts in and I’ve barely said anything of substance. With my husband and my friends I’m not usually this way… but I’m writing this for the world. I’m writing it for you. YOU you (iykyk) but also you- the one who has a hard time hearing hard stuff. I know, this is frustrating. To both me and the listener.
JUST GET TO THE POINT, KITTY! Ugh, if I had a nickel…
Well, sorry folks, but I’m still growing. And maybe at blog post #3297 I’ll just be able to SPIT IT OUT, but not today. This is my process and I’m allowing myself to have it. Kudos to those out there who can just blurt things out and deal with the consequences (or not). I’ve tried different styles of sharing and well, this one is just what works best for me. (A little insider tip for those who don’t care for tiptoeing or hedging, just skip the first 2 paragraphs or so until I get better at spilling the tea, lol)
Remember, Post #one I shared that I’ve kept a secret for TEN YEARS. I’m not just going to blurt it out. Frame it however you want. Am I stringing you along or am I setting the groundwork? I believe good foundations make it possible to build good houses. So this is me, setting the foundation. Despite what some may think, I don’t usually go around just dropping bombs. I try not to anyway.
In one of my first posts I shared that writing is difficult for me. Not because I don’t like writing (I DO!), but because writing, sharing my thoughts, my heart and soul, has a strong trauma attachment and trigger. I will share more about that in a future post, but “pearls before swine” is a part of that trauma story.
I’ve always been a vulnerable person. I have no problem sharing my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. Someday I’ll dive much deeper into this, but for now, we’ll just say it’s a super fun combo of personality + trauma + attachment + coping styles that makes me this way. I truly don’t mind laying it all out there for people to see. Unfortunately, people don’t always like or understand what they see or what they hear. And because of filters and programming, people seem to have lots of opinions. For the majority of my life, this equation: my heart + people’s opinions, has not worked out well for me. I’ve had to do all kinds of healing to get to a place where I can be me and not want to die. That’s heavy, I know. I’ll circle back.
People mean well. I know they do. But man, the TRUTH IS… “people” have hurt me, misunderstood me, invalidated me, and trampled on my heart (my thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences) with the things that they’ve said while trying to figure out what to do with my big ol messy heart.
Here’s an incomplete list of the shit people say/the beliefs I’ve developed as a result of the shit people say:
Guard your heart
Don’t throw your pearls at swine
Don’t air your dirty laundry
You’re exhausting
No one wants to hear that
TMI
You’re flooding
You’re oversharing
This is too much
You’re too much
I don’t have time for this
I can’t be part of your process
You’re being dramatic
Just stop thinking/feeling that way
You’re not allowed to think/feel that
Not everyone deserves to see your heart
And on and on and on it goes….
Let me make one thing very very clear…. I’m not saying they’re wrong. I agree with or understand most of these statements, especially the biblical ones……….in principle. The problem is, like with most quippy saying and stupid things people say, is that if you say them to a CHILD or if you say them to someone who has been TRAUMATIZED and forced to keep a secret all their childhood… well, folks, you are then the ‘swine’. In trying to “help” me, my “friends”, family, therapists, pastors, etc etc etc have actually taken my pearls and trampled all over them. In trying to “help” me they actually hurt me. Just more reasons to keep it all stuffed in.
IYKYK, am I right?
Chances are, if you’re an unempathetic or unsafe person you probably won’t end up here so I can just be straight without worrying about “their” feelings. Because that’s what us big hearted people do. We care. We care so much about everyone else that we forsake ourselves and spend decades ruminating on what they say, and thus proving that no one will want to or be able to hear our heart.
I really only have two choices. I can continue doing some version of what I’ve done my whole life– keeping it all locked up for the most part and sharing bits and pieces with a select few “culturally approved” listeners or…… I can do what I’m doing right here right now and love myself HARD aaaaand bare it all for the world to see.
It’s what I want to do. It’s what my life thus far has set me up to do. I’ve worked through and I’m committed to being okay even if others are not okay with me. I believe it all will be for the GOOD of mankind. My prayer is that it glorifies God.
So, my friends, you have a choice. You can be safe or you can be swine. Maybe someday, when I get up on my therapist’s soap box, I’ll do a little lesson on how to hold space. Until then, just know that when someone cracks open and shares their heart with you, the last thing they need is comments or implications like those above. We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we filter information coming in. Which is why I’m doing this. I’m choosing to blog because people can choose to come here and read it. You can stop reading whenever you want and you can come back whenever you want. You can also ignore it and carry on.
I’ve spent too much of my life begging, pleading, and teaching those who “love” me how to listen. I’ve spent too much of my life begging and waiting around for someone to give me the basic human right to take up space. I have a voice and I’m going to use it. You don’t have to listen. I don’t need anyone or everyone to listen. I just need to put it all out there because I know that there has to be someone, someone just like me, who’s been silenced and caged and tamed and who wants to be set free but doesn’t know how to make it happen.
I’m going to be a part of the ‘Glennon Doyle movement’ in this world- untamed and brave, empowering, authentic, and free. ❤
Here are my pearls. Here is my heart. Ready or not, let’s ride.
This blog thingy is interesting. I already have posts scheduled out to Sunday but this one feels like it needs to come out today. It’s becoming more and more clear to me what is actually going on with me and while I started this blog to tell my big secret, it’s also helping me peel back all the layers of this onion. Or cake…or parfait…everyone loves parfaits.
I sure hope someone gets my jokes and movie quotes…
Last night my husband and I went out for ice cream. The kids are at my in-laws, my request, or plea, rather, and so we’ve had a few very wide open days to talk, run and grab lunch, basically do whatever we want. It’s …. nice? It’s interesting… that’s for sure.
So we went for ice cream and while we were out I was unpacking all kinds of emotional shit. Which brought me to this statement: “Have I talked to you about my thoughts about work?” He replied with a statement indicating that I indeed had not caught him up on the latest developments of my work related thoughts.
Earlier in the day I was listening to the most recent episode of Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things Podcast. At the end of the podcast someone suggested to make a list of all the things you feel like you have to do. Then go down through the list and ask yourself, “Do I want to do this?” “Do I really have to do this?” Because I process super fast and really without consciously thinking I am, I suppose I got there, at least to one thing that I don’t want to do and I don’t have to do. It at least got me to the point where I was prompted to bring it up to my life partner.
It’s not that cut and dry, though. Being a therapist, for me anyway, comes with a greater joy and responsibility than just going to work for a paycheck. I’m not punching a time clock, I don’t hang out at a water cooler. I can’t waste hours playing mahjong or do any of my work mindlessly. I’m not judging those of you who are able to do any of this! I’ve had jobs like this too. Of course not every moment is wasting time away! But in nearly every job I’ve had, even other human services jobs, in an average 8 hour day there are plenty of opportunities to veg, space out, be careless, mindless, absent.
Not as a private practice, self pay, therapist. I am IN IT. ALL THE TIME. I’m not complaining. I LOVE my job. It’s more than just a job though. It’s a lifestyle. I have to be a certain kind of person, with certain ‘levels’ of growth and mindset, and personal/other insight to be one that is pursued and respected in my field. I’m in private practice which means all of my clients come to me either through word of mouth or through Psychology Today. If I’m a shitty therapist, that news is going to travel fast. As it should.
So those questions, what do you have to do and what do you want to do are very very layered and nuanced for me.
Do I have to work? Yes….and no…
Do I want to work? Yes….and no…
Maybe most people feel this way about their jobs. But unlike me, if I’m not in a good spot mentally, emotionally, spiritually– it’s unethical for me to work. It doesn’t matter how much I want to, how much I “need” the money, how guilty I feel for not working and all the ripple effects that causes. If at my core I know that I can’t hold safe space for my clients, for whatever reason, I can’t work. It’s unsafe, unethical, dangerous, irresponsible. I know other people have jobs where this is the case. Surgeons, forklift operators… There’s lots of us who have jobs where we have to be on our A game nearly 100% of the time. When you work for a company, there’s built in bs time. BS meetings, lunch breaks, scheduled time between meetings, meetings that you can totally skip out on if you have a headache or the poops. When you work for a company, you get paid for those often unplanned 20-40 minute “need-to-collect-myself” moments.
If this happens to me as a therapist, in my current work situation, which I do not plan to or want to change, I have to cancel a full session or push through. Sometimes we push through. My therapist was feeling sick the other day- she pushed through. She also asked crappy questions and judged me- which I know wasn’t intended, of course. Still happened.
The problem with being a therapist is that to do a good job and feel good afterward we have to be damn near perfect. And there’s no such thing as perfect. So we hope and pray for clients who remember our humanity and give us lots of grace…but we can’t expect this! All my clients pay out of pocket. Can you imagine paying a painter to paint your ceiling and he’s having a shitty day and splatters paint everywhere? Would you hire him to come back? Would you refer him to your friends? NO! Most people, especially these days, would be really pissed. We don’t live in a culture that encourages grace.
Nor do I want to expect or need a lot of grace.
So… this is what asking myself, “what do I want, what do I need” has led me to. So MANY PEOPLE do not have the ‘luxury’? ability? to do what I NEED to do, right now. I can’t put it off anymore. I need to take time to heal.
I am a therapist but I am also a trauma survivor. My trauma messaging, triggers, and nervous system responses run deep and wide. The Secret revealed to me that while I thought I’ve been dealing and healing the past 10+ years… I wasn’t …. not completely. And not enough for me to ethically and safely practice therapy.
Our world does not make it easy to do trauma recovery. As a trauma informed therapist, a passionate trauma-healing focused friend, believer, mother, etc etc etc, I have come to realize that this burden of trauma that I carry in my body, that we all carry in one way or another (think 2020), is just a lot. We are all crumbling.
It doesn’t really matter how much I want to work. It doesn’t really matter if I need to. I can’t.
I’m grateful that God has orchestrated my life and circumstances in such a way that l am actually able to do the trauma and emotional healing work right now that I have not been able to do my whole life. I’ve tried. I’ve been open and conscious and aware of my triggers and how the messaging shows up in most areas of my life. I’ve been in some kind of therapy consistently for the past 10 years. I’ve done lots of work around codependency, PTSD, self-love, and spirituality. I’ve basically devoted every moment of my life over the past 10 years to becoming a better human. But my secret revealed to me that there are deep deep parts of me that are still reacting and if I don’t heal it, I will fuck up. I can’t do that. I won’t do that to myself or to anyone else.
I need to heal.
I’m grateful for this very public platform. I don’t care who reads or doesn’t read. I know God will put it in the hands of those who need to hear it. Pray with me that he will reveal it to those who need permission to take the space they need to heal.
Thanks for reading ❤️
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Keturah Mae Shine 
