Tag: friendship
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Today is a good day.
I am making one of my favorite treks across Pennsylvania today. Returning to one of my first homes… I made this drive hundreds of times in my youth. Today’s drive is extra special because it’s nearing the end of August and the sun, the air, just everything is reminding me that September is coming.
September. So much more than just being my birthday month, which I love my freaking birthday so much. Birthday, yes… but September just always seemed like it was finally time for life to be just be about me.
Someday soon I’m going to talk about the deeper why of why sharing my thoughts publicly has been really hard for me to do up until this point. For today though, this platform is my way of taking up space. This is my way of belonging to myself. This is my way of telling myself and the world that I matter, my voice matters, I’m owning my story so it doesn’t own me.
September has always been the month that I got to have at least one day that was about me. When you grow up with someone who robs every good moment with their selfishness and narcissism… It just… Sucks.
I suppose, if you know you know, you know? Ya know? Last September on my birthday we were at Magic Kingdom at Disney world. There was a rainbow over Disney that morning. It was an absolutely perfect day. A dream come true.
My mom and Grammy hand sewed the dress and shirt for me and my husband. I used fabric paint to paint the design. I was able to sneak them into the luggage and surprise my husband with them 🙂. Best. Day. Ever. Not all that long ago I wouldn’t allow myself to have good things. I would deprive myself of things that I needed like new shoes, underwear, food… And then I would overindulge in other areas of my life to try to achieve what I now know is homeostasis. I’ll circle back around to this another time… But does anybody understand this? I would love to hear your story, too.
Today is a good day because I’m going to visit one of my first and best college friends. She and our little golden circle is responsible for helping me to grow into a human. This drive feels like I’m going home 🙂
Stay golden ❤️ I’m in a really vulnerable place right now. I am making big mistakes, choices that have the potential to destroy things that I really love and that I really want. In a way, it’s kind of like going to college and moving into your dorm room with people you don’t know and having to figure out life and learn a whole bunch of life shit and smart shit. It’s all compressed into a few short weeks before you move on to more classes with more information that you have to cram into your brain. This growth… it’s like I’m stretch Armstrong and you’re attaching my hands to your bicycle and my feet to your skateboard and my older and younger brothers are using me to ride and pull each other.
Did anybody ever stretch an Armstrong so far that he busted open? I’ve busted open a few times since June 27th… I’m sorry if you were on the receiving end of that explosion.
I’ve decided that I just need to keep growing. I need to dive head first into the wisdom and practices that I know to be true and helpful. Return to the basics. Prayer, meditation, Brene Brown lol.
So here’s the gift that I have for the world today… I’m sharing the hard-earned wisdom of our future’s revered Emotions sage genius of our time. She will be talked about in the same way we talk about Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Jesus, Einstein, Plato. She’s the one who always brings me back to myself, reminds me to be awkward, brave, and kind. She gave me permission and taught me how to own my story. She taught me that if I want to belong I first have to belong to myself. ❤️
Me and mini me ❤️
Darling, you belong here.❤️❤️❤️ Enjoy ❤️❤️❤️
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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A Stranger Things analogy
I’m realizing that in yesterday’s post I responded to a request to not publicly share my (our…) story. (See Village Anxiety). This request, because it was made by someone I love and don’t want to upset, sent me into a bit of a shame spiral and caused me to doubt myself, my soul, my needs.
Being a human is hard. Setting and responding to boundaries is hard. As I tell my clients, all of life is boundaries. Healing comes when we can discern when it’s appropriate to have looser boundaries, rigid boundaries, and flexible boundaries. We have to be flexible and have nuance as adults with our boundary setting because every relationship and circumstance calls for a different type of boundary. Admittedly, this has been difficult for me to sort out as I tend to float on the looser end of the boundary spectrum in most areas of my life.
This isn’t a post about boundaries. I’ll save that for another day. But… this is a post about boundaries… in the sense that sometimes we just have to do what we know is right even if others don’t like it or understand. Remember, I’m a recovering people pleaser and codependent so I constantly have to remind myself that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. But, this also doesn’t mean I can go around doing whatever I want with reckless abandon.
Choices have consequences. I’m trying to be very very careful about how often and under what circumstances I enforce rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries tend to hurt people more directly than loose boundaries, especially when used to escape, force, manipulate, or control. If any of my writing feels abusive, manipulative, hurtful, or offensive – please come and talk to me about your feelings. I want to work it out with you and be at peace with you.
This brings me to my next analogy…
Village Agitation.
So, if you haven’t watched Stranger Things you might have a hard time with this one. Fortunately, the story arc of Stranger Things is similar to every other group adventure story so I think you’ll be able to pick up what I’m putting down.
Stranger Things is a TV show on Netflix about a girl Named 011 (Eleven or El) who has super mind powers. There is an evil world called the “Upside down” and the evil in this world haunts a small town, Hawkins.
Spoilers! 🚨
At about 11-13? years old, Eleven is found in the woods by her soon to be besties. It’s set in the 80s and the kids play Dungeons and Dragons (I’ve never played); much of the evil and story, I gather, is D&D inspired. The series carries on through four seasons of El fighting the evil with her powers and her “village”, her tribe, her friends, at her side.
The past couple days my husband and I have been transferring anxiety and agitation back and forth as we process my secret and how this affects our life- today and in the future.
What we’re going through as a couple, along with a few others- one very intimately involved and others aware but just as shaken up- it’s just a lot.
At any given time we are experiencing grief- shock, anger, sadness, bargaining… We are experiencing overwhelming anxiety, panic, fear, etc etc etc. Lots of heavy emotions in and around us. It’s A LOT.
I’m having a hard time doing much of anything. The kids are at my in-laws and I really thought I’d get some cleaning done, projects, laundry… ya know, normal life stuff. Hasn’t happened. In fact, I can barely eat. We are in crisis.
If you’ve seen Stranger Things, you know that at different times the evil seems to get agitated and start affecting Hawkins. The kids all join together and figure out how to help El defeat the mind flayer, Billy, and Vecna. El seems to carry the burden as she’s the one who has the amazing mind powers. Still, her friends ask no questions and stand by her, go to battle with and for her, and require no apologies or praises. After all, they’re fighting evil. It’s D&D irl.
I suppose I’m feeling…. jealous.
My village is agitated. My tribe is freaking out. We’re all shaken up…everyone in their own way is dealing with feelings, worries, fear. It’s normal and healthy to react to an explosion. I appreciate how much my people care and I appreciate that this not only deeply affects me, but it affects them too. Everyone’s entitled to their own process.
Here’s the rub. And… I’m just being honest. These are just my feelings, not an indictment of anyone or everyone. Clearly, if you’re here reading this- you’re supporting me!!!! THANK YOU!
My honest feelings… And I’m only sharing them because I KNOW we’ve alllllllll been here. We’re like El, carrying a burden too big to bear alone and what we need is our tribe to come in and be strong.
I need a tribe who’s willing to see me, hold lots of space, try to understand before making assumptions, and remember how burdensome this is for me… it sucks because everyone is acting like my storm is happening TO them. I guess I’ve been really codependent with a lot of people.
Most of my tribe has been supportive. I’m so grateful. But if I’m being honest…. Which I am…
I feel like I need more. I never ask for more. I feel like a narcissist or like an ungrateful petulant toddler. So many people say I should just be grateful. Like I’m not already grateful!!!!
Can you imagine how Stranger Things would have turned out without Hopper, Wil, Dustin, Max, Nancy, and Eddie…. Ughhhh Eddie. 😭
Where would Eleven be without her tribe?
I’m really struggling, friends. If you’ve come this far, thank you. I know how hard it is to slow down and take time out for someone in need. Especially when those needs seem unfixable, are triggering, or leave you feeling powerless.
It’s easier to just keep a distance and call it a boundary. Depending on your view of this you might even turn into a Billy or another character that pisses on El’s gift and increases the presence of Demogorgons. Just do me a solid and don’t be that guy.
Honest. Kind. Shine
Keturah Mae Shine 