(I’m hearing Bill Murray in Scrooged- “I’m back! I can see now!” 😂)
I’ve missed this space. I’ve missed us.
Over the past year and a half since my last public post, I’ve done a lot of deep work, the brave work—stepping more fully into my voice, my divinity, and my healing.
What started as intentional ascension through twin flame awareness, trauma recovery, divorce, and nervous system rewiring has blossomed into a life aligned with unshakeable peace and clarity.
✨ What I’ve learned and celebrated so far:
Rooted out complex trauma, healed wounds, and redefined worth as God gave it to me.
I’ve walked through divorce with integrity and grace, and I’ve emerged in ease—in body, mind, and spirit.
I’ve established energetic sovereignty: boundaries that honor me, relationships that uplift, and a restored alignment with God’s love.
I’ve forgiven myself and others. Set free from old identity loops.
I’ve Chosen heaven.
What I’m coming back to share:
🌈 My ongoing healing process and how that affects my life, relationships, and my life purpose.
❤️🔥The Twin Flame journey—you know I’ll speak the truth on soul mirrors, ascension triggers, and sacred union. ❤️ Relationship dynamics—how to love deeply, without losing yourself. 🕊️ Emotional + energetic healing tools—I’m sharing more about MAP, the Mirror Exercise, nervous system recalibration, and practices that worked for me. 🌟Spiritual integration—reconnecting with Divine Self in everyday life, grounded in unconditional Love and God’s grace.
What’s coming next:
Blog series: Signature essays on love, loss, ascension, and emerging awareness.
YouTube shorts and videos: talking about my insights on love, God, and life
Community connection: More Q&A, invited questions, reader reflections.
Let’s build this journey together.
Want to see specific stories or topics covered? Have questions about your Twin Flame path, or how to heal trauma without losing your joy? Drop me a message, comment below, or connect with me via my link tree.
It’s been about 180 days since I started on my intentional ascension path. (I say intentional because I think I always have been, we all are. Just now, I’m CHOOSING it).
When I started, I didn’t even know what ascension meant. I mean, I know what the word means. But I didn’t know what it meant for me.
I write about this here. But, more important is today.
This is a healing journey first and foremost. I am a healer. I’ve always been a healer. I love people and I want to share the truth because I want people to be set free.
I matter 🦋
In the spring of 2014, almost a year after I was fired from my favorite job working with my favorite person, I was prophesized over. While praying in a small group at a women’s retreat, my friend’s friend, Carol, who I had never met, began singing in tongues. My friend Gina, translated. Carol kept saying “healer, counselor, healer”. When we finished praying (and crying), Gina said that God was calling me to become a counselor.
Me… 😳🥹
Less than a month later Liberty University called me saying they received an inquiry from me (I didn’t submit an inquiry 😅). I hadn’t told anyone I was considering going back to school. It was like a teeny tiny idea. But, they had me on the phone, we talked about my vision for the world, and they said “you’d be a perfect fit for our marriage and family therapy program”. Three months later I started my master’s program at Liberty University.
I was in a LOT of emotional pain back then. I knew I was called to do MORE with my life, but I didn’t know what, how, or when. God knew though. God made a way.
He always makes a way.
My 3.5 year master’s journey was also a self healing journey. All that healing took me out of our shabby home on an off ramp and brought me to the rural suburbs. My vibration increased as I healed and I attracted wealth. Not just money. But a priceless relationship – with my supervisor who is a sage of his own kind (and very very much reminds me of my spiritual teacher and my twin flame ❤️🔥). I attracted a neighborhood that is peaceful and safe. I also attracted A LOT of clients on the same journey as me. They made me the therapist I am today and I’m forever grateful 🥰
The purpose of ascension is to heal the consciousness and “ascend” closer to God and all that God is. You can achieve some levels of higher vibration without really knowing you’re doing it just by pursuing more. God’s wealth and abundance are limitless and if you desire more, you can remove the blocks to achieve whatever you want. This is what the “overnight success” story is… The intentional purification of your consciousness to align with your desires. Believing you deserve more and allowing yourself to receive it. 🦋
You and God are ONE. If you have a desire it’s because God gave it to you. (You have to think about this deeply, not surface-ly, God is not a vicious careless uncompassionate God).
This is why I was able to achieve what I did. Because I purified parts of my consciousness which drew me closer to God and this manifested in the 3D as new home, new town, new relationships, new opportunities.
But I held on to old parts which kept me conflicted, strained, stressed, depressed, small. And repeating some of the same patterns.
This applies to all relationships 💕
I’m now ascending ON PURPOSE. Which is a much more intense journey – the pruning and perfecting can be painful at times, especially when I resist feeling my feelings and letting go of old patterns.
In the past 180 days I’ve been intentionally purging my consciousness of everything that is out of alignment with God.
The most important part of this process is to understand Who God Is and let go of every belief and idea that isn’t God. I had a LOT of misaligned beliefs about God.. lots of rotten fruit to be shaken out of my tree so I could begin to bear more fruit.
This is the process of ascension, of making a full 180. You can do it too! We all belong in God’s kingdom. He has a very special plan and process for you, too 💖
I’ve been doing this work for 6 months and it’s time to fully release all the gunk and embrace all the good. Worthiness and unforgiveness kept me stuck in the old and as a result I was experiencing a LOT of contrast and negativity. Basically, the universe was screaming at me… LET IT GO KITTY!!!
I thought “let it go” meant let go of everything I want. Nope. It doesn’t. I’m done believing that lie.
Let it go means…
Let go of scarcity, poverty, lack.
Let go of guilt, shame, and condemnation.
Let go of self punishment.
Let go of powerlessness and smallness.
Let go of weakness, depression, sadness, anxiety, and worry.
Let go of my trauma story; let go of feeling unlovable.
Let go of willfulness, trying, pining, chasing, controlling.
Let go of emotional chaos and emotional immaturity, explosiveness, demandingness, emotional intensity.
Let go of provoking and passive aggressiveness and anger.
Let go of these immature patterns that aren’t serving me. These patterns are not of God. And now that I’m pursuing God with my whole heart, there’s no room for these things. If I try to hold on to them, even subconsciously, God will not allow it and I will experience negative consequences- and I have! This is God’s way of loving me, loving us.
Heaven on earth has boundaries, too. ❤️🔥
I’m still healing but I’ve made HUGE strides because of the healing, learning, and growing I’ve done in my ascension school and with my ascension coach at Twin Flames Universe.
Side note – if you still think it’s a cult or you think I can’t discern properly lol, that’s your own stuff and I encourage you to work through it using the mirror exercise AND read their media statement. That’s all I’m going to say about that because entertaining fear and doubt isn’t a game I’m playing anymore 🕊️ I’m intelligent, discerning, and very protective of my heart, mind, time, and resources. I had to work through doubt and fear too and stop projecting it onto other people ❤️ it’s safe to trust Love.
So, with that said! ❤️🔥🔥💖🥳🎉🎊🥂
And it’s time to celebrate my success. It’s time to celebrate my 180! 🦋
Through the help of my teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, my coach Michaila, my MAP practitioner Christie, the TFU community, and my ascension buddies, I have successfully…
Healed Complex PTSD and childhood sexual abuse trauma. Yes, it’s healed. 🦋
Divorced, grieved, and now live in peace with my exhusband. We coparent beautifully and naturally. We respect each other and coexist as friendly Divine children of God. 🦋
Made over 7k since January by purging unneeded items. I did this by valuing myself and thus, this energy went into my things. I see myself as valuable thus my stuff is valued 🦋
Unenmeshed myself emotionally and financially from my ex and I now manage my own finances. I am working on getting my own loans, housing, health insurance, etc. I am becoming an adult. This is probably one of the most humbling things to admit. I was completely dependent on Bryce. Towards the end I couldn’t make any decisions on my own. I didn’t even like to make a phone call. I now have freedom, my own resources, and 50% of weekends to myself to do what I want. If you’re a mom, you get how valuable this time is. Divorce has been an incredible gift! 🦋
I have restored multiple strained/estranged relationships. I’ve even talked to my dad a few times (we didn’t speak for 10 years). I don’t desire a close relationship with him because he’s not safe, but I feel at peace with our relationship. This is true for all my relationships, actually. I’ve completely lost contact with a few that were not healthy, I’ve established inner boundaries with ones I desire to keep in contact with, and I’ve acquired a whole community of unconditionally loving friends and people who truly want the best for me, who are also pursuing God with their whole heart. This is a very big deal to me. I’ve always wanted this. 🦋
And lastly, but not leastly, I’m healing my relationship with God, Jesus, and the church. 6 months ago I had a LOT of hurt and anger towards the church. I’ve felt my feelings and released the pain and upset. I understand that people only give what they know and understand. No one intentionally tried to hurt me. We all have a responsibility to “be above reproach” but most don’t really know what that means. And that’s okay. That’s their journey. They can only harm me if I allow them, and I did. And now, I’m not. I choose to see everyone as a divine child of God, on their own journey to Love. 🦋
I now understand that I am One with God. I am not separate from him. 🦋
I own all of my feelings and upsets. I’ve stopped projecting onto other people, I’ve stopped blaming others for my suffering. I’m responsible for my healing.
🦋
And, I’ve healed and continue to heal communication. My twin flame and I are not in communication and won’t be in physical communication as long as I’m harboring unforgiveness, anger, and acting from a place of emotional immaturity and explosiveness. I’ve healed and I’m healing passive aggressiveness, manipulation, coercion, willfulness, and the pattern where I provoke, control, demand, and become vitriolic. This is humbling to admit but it’s the truth. In my deepest darkest parts and pain, I have not been very loving or kind. I was this way to others because I was this way to myself. I choose to forgive myself, surrender this toxic pattern, and communicate with myself and others from a place of compassion, gentleness, grace, and Love.
I am no longer unloving to myself. Feels pretty good 🥰🦋
Scripture says over and over that we are forgiven. This is not something we will experience in heaven. We are already IN heaven if we choose to be. You get to choose whether you experience heaven or hell, right now.
I choose heaven. I am free. I am forgiven. I am a new creation! 🦋
I’m able to make a 180 because I realize now that I am in complete control of my life, my self. No one’s going to do it for me or even with me. I have lots and lots of support but because I’ve called in all of Me, my Divine Self, NO ONE is going to or has enabled me to stay small.
For this, I am eternally grateful.
Amen amen amen. I choose this. 🦋
Thank you for journeying with me. I’ve only just begun! 🦋
I needed to take a break and get clear on some things.
I received the best gift on valentines day, a completely unexpected look in the mirror. 🌹
This helped me to reconsider some ways I was thinking about myself and my life… It challenged me to grow in ways that I wasn’t expecting. That’s what a twin flame is first… Your teacher ❤️🔥
I started my twin flame ascension journey in October. A significant part of this journey is education through awareness, which is imparted to me by my spiritual teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, and their students in recorded classes called Twin Flame Ascension School (TFAS) through Twin Flames Universe . (Shameless plug- hands down the best investment I’ve EVER made… And I don’t even “talk” to my twin flame!!!!!!!!! 🌹❤️🔥🌹). More on this another day 🥰
When I took the leap of faith into this twin flame community I had no idea!!!! it was an ascension journey. I just was DESPERATE to understand our relationship and the unique struggles we were having. NONE of my MFT training, biblical understanding, or life experience made ‘us’ make sense.
I. was. desperate.
In October I didn’t really even know what ascension was other than knowing that Jesus ascended and I think two others in the old testament did too. But the stories I was told were that they were on earth one moment and gone the next.
Growing up in a charismatic church, I was no stranger to the concept of rapture. As a child I can remember having thoughts and questions about rapture and the end times that no one really seemed to know how to answer.
I carried these thoughts and questions into adulthood and anytime I felt remotely comfortable in a religious space I’d poke around and start asking questions. Long story short, I never received satisfying answers. I began to just file rapture and end times under the “lean not on your own understanding” label.
But still… It stuck with me.
It stuck with me so much that 6-8 years ago or so… I thought rapture happened while I was at a women’s retreat! I’m serious!!! I woke up in the middle of the night to what sounded like an orchestra of trumpets!!! I jumped up, looked out the window, expecting to see Jesus rolling out of the clouds… He wasn’t.
I was a kid in the 90s and remember the day our local Christian radio station came on the air- WGRC. And that’s all we listened to. Christian music. So, naturally, there are a few old school songs that have stuck with me… Here’s a fav of mine, I still sing it almost every day!
So the lyrics are “behold he comes, riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, at the trumpets call”
I’m not sure if I got the idea of rapture from this song, from scripture or sermon, or from Kirk Cameron… But it is carved into my consciousness… Jesus is coming when the trumpets sound!!!!
(Funny side note …. I had posted a video of a recording in Spain or somewhere, also about 6-8 years ago, of a weird anomaly where the wind was blowing through this city in such a way that it was causing a loud trumpet sound! The video was sooo cool. I posted it with those Twila lyrics and a friend commented and said “trumpets or Trump-Pence?” 😱😳🤯 Needless to say, Jesus did not come rolling out of the clouds at the Trump-Pence call… But, it’s thought provoking, ay?)
There’s also this really cool scene in The Chosen, season 2 special episode where Mary is giving birth and Joseph looks out the window and the sky!!!!! OMG!!!! It’s glorious. A must watch series and brace yourself for this episode… So good.
I digress. So, I’m at this Christian women’s retreat, at a Mennonite Retreat Center, I mean, it’s just pure and perfect AF, and I wake up to this MASSIVE trumpet sound. I’m not talking about one trumpet. I’m talking like 12 days of Christmas trumpets, at least!!!! 🤣
So, nothing’s going on outside. Just stars and moon. I look over to my prayer warrior, spiritual mentor, for-sure-going-to-heaven friend, Gina… She’s asleep. I make sure her body is there and that she’s breathing because Left Behind got me all anxious worried I could mistake her just clothes for her body.
Okay so, she’s still there… But asleep. And I begin to wonder if I’m losing it. I’m too afraid and ashamed to go out of my room so I just crawl back into bed and pray myself back to sleep.
So next morning, everyone’s still there! Rapture indeed did not happen!
We go to breakfast and I start telling people my story, while laughing of course… I mean… I thought rapture happened. Some are hysterical, some look at me like I’m cray, I’m no stranger to embarrassment.
WELL PTL, one of the sweet Mennonite women heard me and while serving me breakfast said that this happens from time to time and I’m not the only one who’s heard it!
She tells me that it’s something about the way the wind blows through the (indoor) hallway, hits the storage of metal folding chairs, and makes a trumpet sound. Whew. I’m not losing my mind. LOL. Funny story.
So, this brings me back to my weird interest in rapture… The only word and reference I had for ascension.
Rapture was a mostly scary idea to me, even as a 33 year old. I think the Left Behind series messed a lot of us up 😳😬 thanks Kirk 😂
So, I suppose it’s a good thing that I didn’t know the twin flame thing I was getting into was a “rapture” journey because I might have been like ummmm no thanks, I’ll stay here with everyone else lol
So just in case you are like me and don’t know… Rapture and ascension? Not the same thing 🤣
So, now that I’ve been on this incredible journey for 5+ months, I now have a very deep understanding of this work and ascension. I feel like I can speak more confidently about it, about twin flames, and absolutely say with 100% certainty that this is a true spiritual journey into Christ consciousness and spiritual mastery.
I had no idea. But God did. And he heard my desperate cries for help and my heart and mind were/are open enough that he knew he could give me this work and I wouldn’t squander it.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
In February I had just begun my trauma healing through Mind Alignment Process and I was in major upheaval. I talk about upheaval here, but I’ll probably circle back around as I’m now in my 10th week and I have gained such a huge understanding of well… A lot 🥰
It’s 4am and I should probably sleep… But here’s my plan….
There are three points I want to cover, or questions I want to answer, as I make my return-to-blogging debut.
1. What is ascension and what do twin flames have to do with it?
2. What I learned from looking in the mirror. 🪞
3. Why are some of my posts now password protected???
I’m going to write on these things over the next couple days. Until then, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with me through the long haul 😘 it’s been 163 days since I began this internal journey and I’ve healed my childhood sexual abuse trauma, abandonment/attachment trauma, and I’m clearing codependency, fear, doubt, scarcity, and separation from my vibration.
It’s a freaking miracle. I’ve experienced a miracle.
Thank you God. Thank you Jeff&Shaleia, thank you to my coach and practitioner, and so many thanks to my ascension buddies. I couldn’t do this without this support. GOD IS SO GOOD y’all! And this is why I write. Because I want to give you the gift of love and healing that has been given to me 🥰
I’m becoming a new creation. Just like Jesus promised 🥰❤️🔥🥰
Something I’m learning on my spiritual journey is that only love is real. Only Unconditional Love exists. So… anything that doesn’t align with that is an illusion. Hurt, pain, sickness, death, fear, anger, judgement, etc etc etc… It’s all an illusion. Of course you can experience the illusion of these things. But this is why some people don’t get sick or don’t have the same fears. Because it’s not real. It’s why LOVE CONQUERS ALL. Because IT IS REAL.
This is why Jesus could heal and walk on water and ascended. Because he tore the veil between truth and lies. Between reality and illusion.
The church I grew up in (not the building but the theology) taught me that God is angry, judging me, and that I’m a deplorable sinner. That I must “carry my cross” and accept the “thorn in my side”. Even recently a pastor said to me that marriage is something we must “burden under”!!!
Wait… What?!?!?!
If God is love and God made me and God is perfect and can only make perfect things (right?!?!) Then I am perfect. I get the whole “fallen world” bit. Jesus paid it all so we wouldn’t have to suffer. So we wouldn’t have to be burdened. That’s the gift!!!! What’s the point of Jesus if we still live burdened or in captivity to our sin??? Did he pay it all or not? Is God perfect or not? Am I made in his image or not? A good God would not “burden” his children with marriage. That’s nonsense.
Jesus paid it all. Grace is free. We’re free. It wasn’t an affair. I was, it IS, LOVE 😘
I want to share a little story about how God’s grace really showed up during this 10-year journey since I met my twin flame.
After my twin flame and I met and ‘happened’ my pastor and therapist called it an affair and demonized us. No one would listen. I didn’t understand so I couldn’t make anyone else understand. I had so much guilt and shame over our connection and our love for each other and how that was expressed in the physical. It was beautiful and horrible. I felt so alive and so terrible. I was so in love and couldn’t have him.
If you’ve been here and have a conscience, you get it. I went on a 3-year journey of trying to understand how and why I found myself in an “affair”… It was SO out of character for me. During that time, God really revealed to me the true meaning of grace, which even though I grew up as a Bible thumping evangelical Christian, I had no idea what grace was until then. I did a lot of healing and God really showed up with so much love for me. Grace became my life source.
Today I was listening to the song Flawless by MercyMe and was reminded of a really sweet gift.
About 8 years ago, I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. During the pregnancy, this song, Flawless, was on the radio A LOT. I love singing it, it’s such a great song 💓
Every time it would get to the lyrics “Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”, I would be overwhelmed with emotion and the baby would start kicking and fluttering about.
I felt like angels were singing over me. 🥰
Fast forward to the day my daughter was born. We didn’t have a name picked out for her. All I knew was that her middle name would be Grace.
She was born on her great-grandfather’s birthday so we chose to name her Anna after his mother, her great great grandmother. About 12 hours after she was born, my mom asked ” What does the name Anna mean?” I didn’t know because we hadn’t considered it for her first name so we looked it up…
Well… It means Grace. 💫
Yeah, her name is Grace Grace! 😂😍💓
The first night we spent together she woke up to nurse and Flawless was playing in my head. At that moment God’s grace and love washed over me. I realized that God knew all along that her name would be “Grace Grace” and that’s why those lyrics filled me with so much emotion!
“Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”.
Back then I thought my daughter was a gift from God as part of my redemption story. It was my “reward” for choosing my marriage and doing everything that I could to heal from my “affair” and rebuild the marriage. I thought God showed me grace by giving me a perfect daughter because I made the “right” choice…
I no longer believe that. I do believe she is a gift of grace, but not because I earned her.
God loves me so he’s going to bless me no matter what. God loves me no matter what. There is no condemnation! There is NO SIN. It’s an ILLUSION.
It wasn’t an affair. We didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t hurt anyone. We didn’t hurt each other. I don’t have the power to hurt someone. We are eternal beings, made in God’s image. We can only experience the illusion of “hurt”. This is why when we THINK differently, we can make that pain go away.
I now KNOW that what happened between me and my twin was NOT an affair. In fact, I believe that I had an affair with my ex-husband! My spiritual teachers teach that having sex with anyone but your twin flame is like having sex with a sibling! Well, this made that whole relationship make sense….. 💀😂😅 I believe this truth is one of the HUGE reasons many couples don’t enjoy or stop enjoying intimacy/sex in relationships/marriage. Because hormones and the high only lasts so long. And your soul KNOWS you’re being intimate with a sibling 🤢
But the passion and romance between twins never fades. It’s why I still have feelings and desires ten years later! (And we didn’t even speak for the last 5 years!)
Twin Flame love is MAGIC ❤️🔥
I was married for 4 years when I met my twin (11 years ago). Even though I was already married to someone else, I always felt like I was betraying my twin, betraying us, by being in my marriage and doing married… things. I didn’t understand this because I thought I should have guilt because I was married and feeling desire for someone else. I didn’t have any guilt about my feelings about him until the “church” piled it on.
I never enjoyed doing married things. I’d pull away from touch, from hugs and kisses… I never initiated sex. I was irritable, annoyed, suicidal, in constant pain, lackluster, and just downright miserable. I thought something was wrong. with. me. Nothing I did made it better. And I TRIED.
I now understand that God gave me a living gift of Grace to show me how innocent and worthy of Love I am. I’m worthy of all my Good. I’m worthy of a marriage that is passionate and reciprocal and always growing, never stagnant. The ONLY relationship this is always possible with is your twin flame.
It’s not woowoo. It’s science. It works the same for EVERY twin flame. A method. A process. It’s God. You must have a close, intimate, safe, very personal relationship with God before you can be in Harmony with your twin.
My exhusband and I are smart, kind, committed, selfless, spiritual and loving people!!!!! We tried and tried. We used every resource, every method to heal and grow our relationship. It didn’t work because we’re not twin flames. It was destined to fail. And it did. When we made the decision to end it it fell apart, no problem. No drama.
My daughter is 7 now and the other day she said, unprompted, “I’m okay with you loving (my TF) because I already know him”. She was not even one the last time she saw him.
Her soul knows. My kids love him because HE IS ME!!! No introduction needed. No need to get to know him. If you know me, you already know him. 🥰
Final thoughts…
I don’t know if anyone else has boat loads of religious indoctrination and trauma, but, I want to confidently say that YOU ARE FLAWLESS.
You are perfect 💖
God’s Grace covers all.
And if you and your TF had an affair, I want to say —
IT WASN’T AN AFFAIR!!! 💥
There was always a grander, more beautiful, incredibly loving plan and reason for why he and I happened when we did. God is still revealing this to me, but I absolutely believe now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t an affair. It was love, it IS love, and God is love. I’m free from all guilt, shame, and condemnation!
Because of grace, grace, God’s grace ❤️🔥
I’m so thankful for this journey, so thankful for my coach and spiritual teachers, I’m so thankful for my community. I’m finally home ❤️
I’m not getting paid to say this. The only good that comes to me is knowing that I’m sharing the Truth and that you, dear reader, are reading it. This work has changed my life. I’m healing pain and trauma in days that I’ve spent YEARS in therapy for (and I’m a therapist!!! If I was lying I’d be advocating to put myself out of business lol) I believe in this work and in this process ❤️🔥 it’s so Divine. It’s so Good.
As I wake up and shake off the dust, I’m finding myself again. I’m remembering who I am.
I’m finding my light.
I’ve written a lot about why I am the way I am, or, the way I was. Or, who I’m unbecoming. I do this because I never did. Write about it, that is. Or talk about it for that matter.
One of my core upsets is feeling misunderstood or unheard.
Silence has tortured me so much of my life. You want to punish me? Just stop talking to me. Pretend like I don’t exist. Anyone else feel this?
Ironically, God gave me an exhusband who stonewalled me for the majority of 15 years, a father who didn’t talk to me for ten years, family that never asks meaningful questions or listens deeply, friends who thought I was fine when I definitely wasn’t fine, a friend of 30 years who didn’t speak to me for the last two, and a Love, my twin…who didn’t speak to me for five long horrible years.
Thanks to the mirror exercise, I now understand why everyone is silent. I now understand why I’ve suffered SO MUCH.
Because…. for most of my life… I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t hear myself. I didn’t talk to myself. I didn’t understand myself.
I didn’t listen to myself when my insides screamed “run away!” and I laid there, paralyzed. I didn’t listen to myself when my soul wanted to end my marriage ten years ago but I chose to listen to everyone else, my mind, my fear, my ego instead. I didn’t listen to myself…the part of me who was SO IN LOVE with another man…I didn’t listen to her. I silenced her. I denied her. I tried to forget her. I tried to kill her in my mind. I tried to kill my soul.
I didn’t understand myself when I was a silenced kid carrying the weight of the world and didn’t know what to do with it or understand why. Why. Why. I didn’t hear myself crying out for help after every flashback and every nightmare. I didn’t understand myself and why I wanted to die…I didn’t listen to myself. I kept misunderstanding myself. I kept running from myself. I stonewalled myself.
So OF COURSE I would attract more and more situations and people who would keep misunderstanding me. OF COURSE I would keep trying to get people OUTSIDE of me to listen to me… But FAIL and FLAIL because I wasn’t listening to MYSELF.
This feeling of being misunderstood grew and grew especially over the past 5 years or so. God is good and I finally understand why. Because I continued to bury my heart, my truth, my self deeper and deeper. Every day for five years I denied her. I shut her up and I shut her down.
But, she still cried out, “See me, hear me!!!”.
But I buried myself alive.
I could blame everyone else. I want to. I have. You’ve read it. I’ve tried. But no one has shown up on my doorstep and apologized. Even if they did, I’m not even sure it would heal me at the depths of which I feel that pain.
So I write. Because I can. Because I know I’m not the only one. And because I NEED to.
I have 39 years of jumbled up thoughts and pain. Ten years of completely denying myself. A lifetime of completely denying myself of good, of Love.
It’s all coming out now. At first, it wasn’t pretty. I was full of anxiety and panic and desperation. Imagine being buried alive and then one day God takes a shovel and breaks the ground and says “wake up! Come out!”
Writing this now makes me realize that I had my Lazarus moment…. “Lazarus! Come forth!”
“Keturah! Wake up!!!!”
So there she is, my soul, buried six feet under. For the first time in ten years she’s seeing day light again.
My rescue felt like clawing my way out from six feet of packed in dirt. Like tens of thousands of feet had walked on me. It wasn’t pretty. He said I was flailing. Well….I think you might flail too if you realized you were buried alive.
So, I write. I write because I never spoke. Did I say words? Of course I did. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the tendency to be verbose. Especially when I’m anxious. Or when I’m flailing. Or when I’m trying to just survive.
My life is interesting in that the very thing that sets me free is the very thing that hurt me.
My dad is a writer. And an artist. He’s very talented, one of those starving artist and tortured types… Alone, poor, full of dreams but little manifestation. I refused to let that be me. So in my dead days (buried alive) I lost all interest in creating. I didn’t paint. I didn’t draw. I lost my spark. I became lackluster. I never wrote ever, so this is a new creative endeavor for me. And this is why…
All I remember of my dad from my childhood are his aspirations to be an author. He wrote prolifically. He drew pictures to accompany his writing. He was devoted, I’ll give him that. But if you read my earlier posts, you’ll remember that my dad was less than kind to me. And often, that abuse involved his writing.
And because of that, I refuse to become my dad. I refused to write.
The problem is, if I don’t create, I still become him… Full of dreams and no manifestation.
So, when I woke up, I chose to heal it instead continuing to be a victim to it. I healed it by just choosing to do it. For me. To become ME. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I love hearing from people who do read it! But, because I felt forced to stay silent, and then forced myself to stay silent, my noise is now SO LOUD. My healing victory is claiming this for myself and trusting that God will put it in the path of those who need to read it.
When I decided to start a blog, I was terrified. I knew I had a secret and I knew I was supposed to tell it. Torn between doing what’s best for me and what everyone else wants, I was brought to my knees. God said to my soul… They need to hear it. They will read it.
Who is they? I’m still finding out. People come out.of.the.woods. to tell me how much this resonates. How they read me telling their story. Good. I’m glad ❤️. Thankfully, I don’t need validation anymore. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m good or that I’m okay or that I’m making good decisions. I just CHOOSE to believe the God in me who says, “you’re perfect. It’s perfect. Your heart is beautiful. Shine your light baby girl. Say what you need to say”. So, if you’re reading and it helps you, Thank God. Because he told me to. I just listened. Thankfully, it helps me too ❤️🔥
So I guess I’m a writer. This is part of who I am now. This is how I choose to heal. And I’ll keep healing. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep digging up the dirt, keep digging out of my grave, until I find all my light, all my good, and all my treasure. ❤️🔥
I love Christmas. I mean, everyone does, right? But I really really love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas… I love how right around Thanksgiving the energy changes. People are brighter, friendlier, and more generous with acts of kindness and gentleness. There is definitely something magical about Christmas time.
I am a happy and friendly person; I notice people around me and enjoy being kind and warm to people all year long. As the years pass, it seems like simple gestures like holding the door or saying good morning make people a little softer, if just for a moment. The world needs more of that.
Admittedly, sometimes I feel the weight of being “nice”. I’ve even said and thought and felt like I’m the “only” nice person around sometimes. Especially in the hustle and bustle of life. Most people seem to be increasingly oblivious to others. Covid also seems to have worn on a lot of people… myself included…and as I grew weary, it got harder to be naturally nice.
But Christmas. This year more than any other year I felt the magic in the air. A pure sense of hopefulness and joy. Did anyone else feel it this year more than others? I’m not sure if it’s a collective experience thing or if it’s because of the journey I’m on. I guess it doesn’t really matter ‘why’.
The past three days before Christmas I kept getting injured. Someone rammed into the back of my left leg with a shopping cart, I fell down the steps and landed on both my arms and hurt my hip, and then yesterday I smashed my fingers in a tray table while trying to put it away. Smashing my fingers left me in hysterical tears. I was curled up in a ball, bawling.
Why was I crying so much?
In case you didn’t already know, Bryce and I have decided to end our marriage. You can read about it here, if you’re interested. While choosing to end our marriage is the best choice, it comes with its fair share of complications and upsets. I’m not upset about the end of our marriage — I grieved the end for a very very very long time. I feel relieved and like I can finally breathe. I didn’t realize how much I had been holding my breath. How uncomfortable my body was all the time. I’m feeling so much better these days.
But as I bawled on the floor I realized that the natural consequences of divorce that are coming had me worried and concerned, more than I realized.
Preparing for Christmas as coparents had my worrying about our kids and how they will feel and handle the transition of living with both parents under one roof, to living with us under separate roofs. Currently, they are handling the idea of it well, and I believe their okayness is genuine. We’ve done a good job creating a loving home and solid foundation. Also, the split is amicable; neither of us are having a difficult time. Inevitably though, emotions will arise as significant changes occur in the new year. The divorce will bring big changes for us all and I’ve been worrying about them and others… I think I kinda forgot to worry about me. Also, guilt tends to get the best of me before I can feel deeper feelings like grief.
Liam so lovingly reassured me that they all are okay and will be okay. I receive his reassurance and reassure myself – I know I won’t do anything to hurt them; I know I will take every step carefully because that’s who I am. I love my kids and I care deeply for their hearts and our relationship. I choose Love and Love doesn’t hurt.
But I had a moment. A good cry. Lots of fears and guilt to work through. In my excitement of figuring out my problem, the reason I’ve been miserable and depressed and even suicidal for the past ten years, I think I ignored the hard parts of this transition. Physical pain sure has a way of bringing feelings to the surface if you let it. Of course I will because I want to heal. I don’t want to be stuck and mostly dead anymore! I really think I kept getting hurt because God was trying to get my attention. I’ve been asking him to help me become aware of my emotions, my blocks to love so I can heal. For whatever reason I needed physical pain to get my attention.
I’m grateful I had that moment, to get it all out and feel my feelings. Laying on the playroom floor with my kids cuddled on top of me- it was a gift I received and I also gave to myself. I’m proud of my growth. The old me would have been less than kind to myself and it probably would have ruined my day. Instead, I worked through it, healed my big feelings in the core of my heart, and moved on ❤️ I’m proud of me!
So, today, after finally resting last night, I fully immersed myself in Christmas morning with my kids. It was especially delightful watching Anna in full magic of Christmas mode as a seven year old. It was just absolutely perfect.
I stood back and took it all in and as I did, and likely because I created lots of space for good feelings (by releasing my heavy sad feelings the day before), I realized something…
For the first time in ten years or longer, I was actually genuinely happy on Christmas morning.
I’m a conditioned nice and happy person. Is it my personality? Or a learned behavior? Or both? I like being nice, friendly, accommodating. Giving of myself this way often brings me joy so it doesn’t usually come at a cost. But over the years being the nice one, the one who sees everyone and everything and is constantly trying to improve the emotional and aesthetic environment so everyone feels seen and comfortable, and the one who’s also feeling controlled constantly, being nice, even to strangers began to wear me out.
This spiritual journey I’m on is teaching me that it’s better to be genuine than to act. Yes, because acting is fake and dishonest. But more importantly, because acting represses emotions. And repressed emotions create negative energy. And negative energy is a life suck.
‘Repressed emotions’ is one of the many reasons I choose to end my marriage. But, removing only one repressor from my psyche doesn’t actually solve the problem.
I’m using an amazing skill to help me work through my big emotions. I learned it from Jeff and Shaleia, my spiritual teachers and the founders of Twin Flames Universe. You can learn the skill by watching this YouTube video…I promise it will change your life:
So, I mirrored a BUNCH of emotions that came up yesterday and finally fell asleep at 4am.
At 830 this am I stood back and had a wave of beautiful emotion come over me. And realized…
I’m actually really happy.
For the past ten years I’ve been hiding and denying a huge part of myself. I unknowingly, and with the best intentions, repressed big big feelings. Every Christmas Eve I’d grow frustrated, annoyed, exasperated. In every Christmas card I wrote to Bryce I would apologize for being such a bugger… I always spent the holiday frustrated and irritable. But I didn’t know why I was frustrated and irritable. I figured it was stress. But I LOVE Christmas. I love wrapping presents and watching Christmas movies and singing carols and playing games and smiling! Smiling’s my favorite. I love love love celebrating the birth of Jesus. Everything about Christmas is so precious. But I struggled to embrace it.
Today I finally got clarity into why I was actually able to be genuinely happy. I was genuinely able to enjoy all the little moments.
And here’s why…
Because I’m finally allowed to feel my feelings.
Imagine being in love with someone and being forced and feeling forced to deny it every day. Imagine believing that your feelings are DECEPTIVE and WRONG. That’s what the past ten years have been for me. And because I love this holiday, because it’s romantic and full of joy, the building pressure between wanting to enjoy it to it’s fullness and having to repress my genuine emotions grew and grew and led to an ungraceful unraveling every Christmas Eve and morning. Which led to a guilt ridden and repentant wife. This pattern was on repeat for years and I couldn’t figure out why.
I’m allowed to experience and consciously hold all this love I have in my heart for my person.
Now I understand.
So this Christmas, because I’ve been feeling my feelings- the “good”, “bad”, and “ugly”- I have genuinely been able to be NICE. (I put these words in quotes because I don’t believe feelings should be judged as being good or bad… And certainly not deceptive!!! I used them because I know readers understand what I mean by using these words). Who knew repressing GOOD emotions, like LOVE, could have such a detrimental effect.
Today and everyday now I allow myself to feel the Love I have in my heart for the only man I ever truly Loved. And because of this, I was actually able to enjoy my kids. I genuinely laughed and played and soaked it all up.
Everyone says “you’re going to miss this” and “enjoy them when they’re little” and I hear you!!!! I believe this to be true and I want to heed this cautionary tale. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t just absorb them. Because there was no space inside of me for anything but what I couldn’t set free. Love, guilt, condemnation, more guilt, and so much grief.
It’s funny. I’m getting divorced… But for the first time in over a decade I actually feel like I genuinely made the “nice list”. I wasn’t irritable or faking it this year. I wasn’t mostly dead inside. I wasn’t people pleasing and catering to everyone around me and completely denying myself and then over indulging in another area. Every act of kindness was genuine and came from a place of peace.
I’m so grateful. Merry Christmas to me 💖
If you’re looking for a lesson or a moral of the story, here’s how I would sum it up….
Feel your feelings. All of them. Slow down and allow yourself to feel angry, devastated, grief… Allow yourself to love who you love. Doing anything less is so damaging to the self and thus everyone around you.
This was probably the smallest Christmas under the tree we’ve had and the least money we spent… But the two littles said it was the best Christmas ever. I didn’t over compensate by spending tons of money or lavishing them with tons of shit. I picked gifts with love and intention, wrapped and prepared from a place of peace and joy, and they felt it.
Energy is everything.
Christmas magic really does come from the heart. But the magic will be lost if your heart is full of pain and closed to Love.
You love who you love. I love who I love. My freedom came when I gave myself permission to feel it fully, with no expectations. Oh, and I ended my relationship with guilt and shame too.
If you’re looking to experience Christmas magic, it’s not too late. Close your eyes, feel into the core of your heart, ask yourself ‘how do I feel?”. The heart always knows. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, confused, whatever comes up. Don’t judge it. Allow yourself to feel madly in love with someone you “shouldn’t” be. I wish I had allowed myself this 10 years ago and every moment since then.
When you’ve found the part of you that feels the feeling, ask that part of yourself what it needs to feel loved. Often what I need is a big hug… acceptance… grace… peace… and lots of unconditional love. So I just give it to myself. I’ll often fall asleep wrapped up in my prayer shawl giving myself as big of a hug as I can manage. God knows how much big hugs heal me.
Did you make the “nice list” this year? The nice list is your own determination…. You get to decide if you were able to come to the gift of Christmas like a kid. Or was your heart burdened like mine has been for over a decade?
Feel your feelings. Allow God’s pure love to shine a bright white light on it, and give yourself the gift of yourself. You deserve it.
Ugh like all things, I struggle to just SAY IT. I was on the fence about writing, or when I would. But a dear sweet friend of mine from way back in highschool (middle school but we weren’t friends… Yet!!!) sent me this shirt and the affirming message with it…
I hold back because I worry about everyone’s feelings, even my twin flame’s feelings… I don’t want to upset anyone or worse …upset myself lol! I worry worry worry and as a result I keep my mouth shut. 39 years of doing this has proven that it’s NOT working. I wanted to DIE being quiet. (Really it was just my truth wanted the silenced part of me to die, I didn’t literally want to die … just want to make that clear 😅)
This journey is SAVING MY LIFE. It’s bringing me back to life. It’s breathing life back into these dry bones. Like the lyrics from our song…
“You pick me up when I fall down You ring the bell before they count me out If I was drowning you would part the sea And risk your own life to rescue me”
I thought I needed my twin to rescue me but nope. It was God. He left the 99 and came after me… Stranded on the edge of a cliff, about to fall off 😅
Look at me… The G.O.A.T. 😂🔥
He caught me flying, flailing, desperately screaming and plopped me right in Twin Flame Ascension school.
I’m SO GRATEFUL!!!
This is my journey back to God, into a deeper more meaningful, whole, trusting relationship and why would I not share that?!
Also, say it with me…
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE’S FEELINGS!
Just mine.
Just me.
That’s all I’m responding for.
So if this upsets you, take it to God. And do the mirror exercise. Claim your healing and claim your good. That’s what God really wants for us ❤️
Soooo, stay tuned! I’m gonna share all the beautiful details of my incredible twin flame journey 🔥🔥
Oh, and adding a new signature in honor of my beautiful twin 🥰
Honest. Kind. Shine.
XxOoXXo. (Said with the voice of jack black from nacho libre.. Big hug…little hug…Big kiss…little kiss…two Big hugs…little kiss.)
Keturah Mae Shine 