The end of last week was pretty rough. In a matter of a few minutes all this shit came flying at my face. And I had to keep my cool because I had a client coming in like 2 minutes.
You ever experience this? Someone drops some bombs or hurts your feelings or looks at you the wrong way and it infiltrates your mind for the next 25… hours?
I know I’m not alone here.
In case you’re not caught up, I’m on a pretty wild and amazing spiritual journey. Some days I’m feeling GREAT. I’m feeling and giving all the love… I feel light, I’m playing, singing, dancing… Today is one of those days. ❤️🔥
Thursday last week was… Not.
I tend to have days like this often enough that I remember that I have days like this. Like where nothing goes my way. Before ascension school I would just blow up or give up… Go to bed. I’d probably manifest a migraine so I’d have an “excuse” to take care of myself and rest. Oy… Not a healthy place to be!
My day would just spiral out of control and I’d be done for before lunch time. I’m not embarrassed to admit this because I know this is a very human experience. Upset after upset after upset. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
When I met my twin flame, we had a fairly long series of amazing days. My marriage may have been… dead… but work…. It was divine. That’s what your twin does to your life when you meet. Everything is perfect. The shared energy is heavenly. Your inner child comes out to play. Everything is beautiful, simple, sweet… Until it’s not. Most people are familiar with a “honeymoon phase” in relationships… The same thing happens to twin flames… But it’s better 😍
Sadly, no one really knows anything about twin flames and how these upsets cause SO MUCH PAIN and distress. And no one teaches us how to deal with upsets! This would have been nice especially for someone like me…who has big feels, gets easily defensive, and a bit self righteous 😬 like how am I supposed to work through all of my upsets!!!!!
I have plenty of “skills”. I’ve done it all. Out of desperation (and exhaustion) I learned how to stuff and tough (lol I just made that up). TBH, none of the skills worked. Prayer with a heavy dose of surrender was probably the most effective. I could stomach letting go but my feelings still hurt.
I’m a recovering hoarder of hurt feelings.
So, because I had no place to go with my hurt feelings, I learned to bitch. Whine. Complain. Vent. Vent to everyone. I got 5 friends on speed dial and with particularly juicy upsets I’d make sure they all heard about it.
This is what I did this past weekend 😬
Last thursday was just a manifestation of my former life. I was out of touch with my body, moving too fast and not taking breaks. In my former life, I lost touch with my Good (God), entered into a 10+ year state of pain and punishment and separation, which resulted in a pretty miserable and bitchy Kitty. I wouldn’t have known or admitted that during those 10 years… But hindsight…
It got so bad over the past couple years that someone called me “vitriolic”. I was seeing narcissists everywhere. “Everyone’s a narcissist”… This is what I realized was my prominent thought in my work and in life and I felt so out of whack!!! My vision was fading and my outlook was bleak. I KNEW in my heart that something was up with me.
As they say, garbage in, garbage out, and misery loves company. I never intended to become an angry complaining gossip machine… But as the sad years passed… That’s what happened. I was almost constantly upset… Pointing fingers at everyone.
Ascension School and Twin Flames Universe have given me the priceless miracle of the mirror exercise which has been helping me heal SO MUCH. But… Because I asked God to give me the fast track, He lovingly pushed me straight outta the nest and I very predictably returned to my natural state of…. flailing. LoL.
The really cool thing is that when we make a choice to be different, to surrender and transcend our childish ways, God will not let us fall back into old patterns easily! PTL!
But, here I was, on my ascension path, bitching. Wahh wahh wahh. And surprise surprise, I felt like shit. I didn’t like where my mind was going, I was full of worry, doubt, anxiety, anger, and vitriol…. The pain in my chest returned, I manifested a stomach ache that night and the next morning… I woke up with this sucker attached to me!
Can I panic yet?
No worries… I’m fine. Prophylactic antibiotics for the win!
What’s important here is the spiritual lesson. I shared these events with my ascension group (I also shared an outburst and some pretty massive upheaval 😬😅), and asked if they had any insight into the significance of the tick.
Because dear reader, there are NO coincidences. And like who gets a tick in January….?….
Well… One said, “the gut feeling I have is that something is sucking your life source”.
Oh, I could blame everyone else. But the truth is…. It was me. I was sucking my life source.
I already had a little insight into this but, God is good and he really loves me and wants me to not miss a very important lesson….
The lesson is…
STOP IT.
Stop venting Kitty. Just stop. Stop calling up or getting together with all your friends and wahh wahh wahh.
Venting is fine, good, even necessary. We MUST feel our feelings, all of them. Stuffing them is not the answer. Vomiting them all over everyone is not the answer either.
As I grow spiritually, my choices, my behavior, my mind is becoming purified. Can you even imagine Jesus sitting around bitching about this thing, that person, blah blah? No!!!
The goal is purification.
The goal is perfection.
Not the kind of perfection that feels controlling. But the kind of perfection that is inspired through God’s goodness and strength. The kind of perfection that sets me free from the behaviors that have sucked out my life source. This kind of perfection is not forced. It’s the natural result of alignment. Of Christ consciousness.
I don’t need to engage in old behaviors. I have new skills, a higher vibration that can not tolerate endless venting and no peace. I was sucking the peace and love out of me by running my mouth. 🤐
Tonight while meditating I got a horrific image of a car hitting Anna. Using the ME, I realized that I’m afraid of taking myself out. Of smashing into myself and blasting me off my path. My healing process revealed that 1) that’s not possible if I’m choosing to keep going. God won’t allow anything to side swipe me. The only way I’ll fail is if I CHOOSE to give up. And 2) if I try to move too fast I won’t notice the signs that I’m out of alignment. Meaning, if I jump from person to person, house to house and vent about the same thing, the busyness will keep me from being able to feel my body saying “SLOW DOWN and FEEL your FEELINGS”. I’ve been running running running for most of my life. The only time I ever allowed myself to be present with my body and feel my feelings was when I gave birth to my three babies and all the sweet slow moments with my beautiful twin flame 🔥
So, now, instead of running in circles, I choose to remember who the fuck I am and stay in my Good. No one has the power to tear me down unless I give it to them. No more. I’m done with that shit. I deserve peace. I deserve my Good. I’m done with my childish ways.
Today I choose to receive the gift of the tick. The blood sucking reminder to “beat the drum” of love, not upset.
Because this is how the law of attraction works. Do I want love? Yes. Am I going to get it by venting, bitching, whining, complaining??? No.
Moral of the story…
What I put out, I get back.
Thank you God for being OBVIOUS ❤️🔥
Abe can teach you more about how “beating the drum” works here ❤️🔥
“The longer you hold yourself in vibrational discord with who you really are, the more vivid the discord becomes”. Translation… Kitty was so out of alignment with WHO she TRULY is that a blood sucking TICK had to tell her that! 😅
I’m not getting paid to say this. The only good that comes to me is knowing that I’m sharing the Truth and that you, dear reader, are reading it. This work has changed my life. I’m healing pain and trauma in days that I’ve spent YEARS in therapy for (and I’m a therapist!!! If I was lying I’d be advocating to put myself out of business lol) I believe in this work and in this process ❤️🔥 it’s so Divine. It’s so Good.
As I wake up and shake off the dust, I’m finding myself again. I’m remembering who I am.
I’m finding my light.
I’ve written a lot about why I am the way I am, or, the way I was. Or, who I’m unbecoming. I do this because I never did. Write about it, that is. Or talk about it for that matter.
One of my core upsets is feeling misunderstood or unheard.
Silence has tortured me so much of my life. You want to punish me? Just stop talking to me. Pretend like I don’t exist. Anyone else feel this?
Ironically, God gave me an exhusband who stonewalled me for the majority of 15 years, a father who didn’t talk to me for ten years, family that never asks meaningful questions or listens deeply, friends who thought I was fine when I definitely wasn’t fine, a friend of 30 years who didn’t speak to me for the last two, and a Love, my twin…who didn’t speak to me for five long horrible years.
Thanks to the mirror exercise, I now understand why everyone is silent. I now understand why I’ve suffered SO MUCH.
Because…. for most of my life… I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t hear myself. I didn’t talk to myself. I didn’t understand myself.
I didn’t listen to myself when my insides screamed “run away!” and I laid there, paralyzed. I didn’t listen to myself when my soul wanted to end my marriage ten years ago but I chose to listen to everyone else, my mind, my fear, my ego instead. I didn’t listen to myself…the part of me who was SO IN LOVE with another man…I didn’t listen to her. I silenced her. I denied her. I tried to forget her. I tried to kill her in my mind. I tried to kill my soul.
I didn’t understand myself when I was a silenced kid carrying the weight of the world and didn’t know what to do with it or understand why. Why. Why. I didn’t hear myself crying out for help after every flashback and every nightmare. I didn’t understand myself and why I wanted to die…I didn’t listen to myself. I kept misunderstanding myself. I kept running from myself. I stonewalled myself.
So OF COURSE I would attract more and more situations and people who would keep misunderstanding me. OF COURSE I would keep trying to get people OUTSIDE of me to listen to me… But FAIL and FLAIL because I wasn’t listening to MYSELF.
This feeling of being misunderstood grew and grew especially over the past 5 years or so. God is good and I finally understand why. Because I continued to bury my heart, my truth, my self deeper and deeper. Every day for five years I denied her. I shut her up and I shut her down.
But, she still cried out, “See me, hear me!!!”.
But I buried myself alive.
I could blame everyone else. I want to. I have. You’ve read it. I’ve tried. But no one has shown up on my doorstep and apologized. Even if they did, I’m not even sure it would heal me at the depths of which I feel that pain.
So I write. Because I can. Because I know I’m not the only one. And because I NEED to.
I have 39 years of jumbled up thoughts and pain. Ten years of completely denying myself. A lifetime of completely denying myself of good, of Love.
It’s all coming out now. At first, it wasn’t pretty. I was full of anxiety and panic and desperation. Imagine being buried alive and then one day God takes a shovel and breaks the ground and says “wake up! Come out!”
Writing this now makes me realize that I had my Lazarus moment…. “Lazarus! Come forth!”
“Keturah! Wake up!!!!”
So there she is, my soul, buried six feet under. For the first time in ten years she’s seeing day light again.
My rescue felt like clawing my way out from six feet of packed in dirt. Like tens of thousands of feet had walked on me. It wasn’t pretty. He said I was flailing. Well….I think you might flail too if you realized you were buried alive.
So, I write. I write because I never spoke. Did I say words? Of course I did. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the tendency to be verbose. Especially when I’m anxious. Or when I’m flailing. Or when I’m trying to just survive.
My life is interesting in that the very thing that sets me free is the very thing that hurt me.
My dad is a writer. And an artist. He’s very talented, one of those starving artist and tortured types… Alone, poor, full of dreams but little manifestation. I refused to let that be me. So in my dead days (buried alive) I lost all interest in creating. I didn’t paint. I didn’t draw. I lost my spark. I became lackluster. I never wrote ever, so this is a new creative endeavor for me. And this is why…
All I remember of my dad from my childhood are his aspirations to be an author. He wrote prolifically. He drew pictures to accompany his writing. He was devoted, I’ll give him that. But if you read my earlier posts, you’ll remember that my dad was less than kind to me. And often, that abuse involved his writing.
And because of that, I refuse to become my dad. I refused to write.
The problem is, if I don’t create, I still become him… Full of dreams and no manifestation.
So, when I woke up, I chose to heal it instead continuing to be a victim to it. I healed it by just choosing to do it. For me. To become ME. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I love hearing from people who do read it! But, because I felt forced to stay silent, and then forced myself to stay silent, my noise is now SO LOUD. My healing victory is claiming this for myself and trusting that God will put it in the path of those who need to read it.
When I decided to start a blog, I was terrified. I knew I had a secret and I knew I was supposed to tell it. Torn between doing what’s best for me and what everyone else wants, I was brought to my knees. God said to my soul… They need to hear it. They will read it.
Who is they? I’m still finding out. People come out.of.the.woods. to tell me how much this resonates. How they read me telling their story. Good. I’m glad ❤️. Thankfully, I don’t need validation anymore. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m good or that I’m okay or that I’m making good decisions. I just CHOOSE to believe the God in me who says, “you’re perfect. It’s perfect. Your heart is beautiful. Shine your light baby girl. Say what you need to say”. So, if you’re reading and it helps you, Thank God. Because he told me to. I just listened. Thankfully, it helps me too ❤️🔥
So I guess I’m a writer. This is part of who I am now. This is how I choose to heal. And I’ll keep healing. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep digging up the dirt, keep digging out of my grave, until I find all my light, all my good, and all my treasure. ❤️🔥
I planned to write an nye post and decided to have fun instead and now I’m realizing how actually perfect this decision was! I was going to say goodbye to a bunch of things I choose to leave in 2022… But… That actually feels like holding on. And I choose to LET GO!!!
So, Happy New Year! For the first time EVER I’m excited about the new year. I’m dreaming, throwing all kinds of good things into my vortex (see video), and manifesting so much abundance for the rest of my eternal existence!!!
So here’s a quick rundown (what’s a rundown??) of the rest of my life.
1. All the twin flame things. I’m all in. ❤️🔥❤️🔥 Twin Flames are REAL and I am one… And… So are you!
2. Ascension. I am loving this journey into harmonious union with God. I’m removing all blocks to Love and filling that space with Christ consciousness. Oneness. Peace. Joy. Unconditional Love.
3. Abundance. God is a God of plenty. I’m claiming my good, flowing with the divine flow. Make it rain 💸
4. Life purpose. I have a dream and I’m making it come true. Family recreation and recovery center ❤️🔥
5. Harmonious Union.
Funny… I got married when I was 23… 2023 seems like a good year to get married ❤️🔥 #vortex
So… Kitty…. What the heck are twin flames and when did you start believing in all this weird spiritual woowoo stuff???
Well lemme tell ya something.
I believe and I’m all in because it makes sense. It’s scientific, it’s deeply spiritual, and the work is working. It’s literally the only thing that makes my heart and mind and life feel at home, at peace. This wisdom and truth is my divine path to God, to wholeness, to Love. How could I say no?
I’ve been working on my twin flame post but I found this writing and it’s just so perfect and helpful. I didn’t write it (author credit below)
“You’ve met someone that you believe is your twin soul and it feels like your whole world’s changed. You feel this incredible love and desire to be with them which is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. It feels like you’ve known them all your life, even if you’ve just met and you can’t stop thinking about them. You feel a pull and a bond that goes beyond any logical explanation. Yet you’re not together. You desperately want to manifest your twin soul relationship and be able to share your life with them and yet it’s just not happening. It may be that the other person is married or in a relationship with someone else or denies that there’s anything special between you. Or maybe you’ve started a relationship together, expressed undying love for one another and then suddenly the other person doesn’t want anything more to do with you and vanishes over the horizon. You try your best to forget them, move on but despite your best efforts you think about them everyday and just know that the connection you felt is still there. Perhaps you feel like you’re going crazy and must be imagining it all.
You begin to wonder whether this really is a twin soul relationship and doubt that it’s possible to manifest it. You may have been told to forget it. You wish you could, it all seems hopeless and you feel confused and bewildered.
The good news is that a twin soul relationship is meant to work and it’s meant to work in this lifetime. Why would you meet someone that you feel this much love for, feel this amazing bond, only to be kept separated from one another and destined to spend your life apart? You are meant to be together and the relationship is meant to work. However, the only way to manifest your twin soul relationship is to understand what it’s about and what is needed to make it work. It is a spiritual relationship and so doesn’t follow the normal “rules” of love, dating or marriage. If you try to pursue the relationship without your soul then you’re likely to feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall.
No matter how much you may try to make it work, if you ignore the spiritual aspect of this relationship and go chasing after the other person then you’ll probably encounter resistance, denial, difficulties and setbacks. The only way to successfully manifest your twin soul relationship is to get to know your soul, your inner self and develop this relationship on a spiritual level. This person that you’ve met is the physical expression of the other half of your soul. Meeting them signals getting to know who you truly are. Twin souls or twin flames are the embodiment of pure unconditional love. So you need to let go of anything that isn’t part of that. It means letting go of thoughts, beliefs, behaviours that come from ego and don’t reflect who you truly are. As you gain understanding about yourself and begin to change you will notice that your twin soul does also. You are one soul in two bodies and what affects one affects the other. You act as mirrors with each other so as you begin working on yourself you will see that reflected back at you and at that point you will then be able to have and enjoy this special relationship that your heart has been yearning for.”
For most twin flames, it is not easy to describe the hidden door of desire, especially when it comes down to twin flame love, because it isn’t felt from a 3D level.
When you love from a 3D level, you are very much loving someone from a condition, and you are asking them to love you back ALSO from a condition. This is much like a marriage contract, based on a binding legal stipulation, instead of allowing love to flow naturally.
And in a way, you can say that is an essential difference between being in a regular 3D space and being with your twin flame in a 5D spiritual flow.
That pretty much sums it up. Some art so you know how I feel about this in my heart…. The desire is intense. But also so pure and beautiful. If you don’t know, you don’t know.
I love Christmas. I mean, everyone does, right? But I really really love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas… I love how right around Thanksgiving the energy changes. People are brighter, friendlier, and more generous with acts of kindness and gentleness. There is definitely something magical about Christmas time.
I am a happy and friendly person; I notice people around me and enjoy being kind and warm to people all year long. As the years pass, it seems like simple gestures like holding the door or saying good morning make people a little softer, if just for a moment. The world needs more of that.
Admittedly, sometimes I feel the weight of being “nice”. I’ve even said and thought and felt like I’m the “only” nice person around sometimes. Especially in the hustle and bustle of life. Most people seem to be increasingly oblivious to others. Covid also seems to have worn on a lot of people… myself included…and as I grew weary, it got harder to be naturally nice.
But Christmas. This year more than any other year I felt the magic in the air. A pure sense of hopefulness and joy. Did anyone else feel it this year more than others? I’m not sure if it’s a collective experience thing or if it’s because of the journey I’m on. I guess it doesn’t really matter ‘why’.
The past three days before Christmas I kept getting injured. Someone rammed into the back of my left leg with a shopping cart, I fell down the steps and landed on both my arms and hurt my hip, and then yesterday I smashed my fingers in a tray table while trying to put it away. Smashing my fingers left me in hysterical tears. I was curled up in a ball, bawling.
Why was I crying so much?
In case you didn’t already know, Bryce and I have decided to end our marriage. You can read about it here, if you’re interested. While choosing to end our marriage is the best choice, it comes with its fair share of complications and upsets. I’m not upset about the end of our marriage — I grieved the end for a very very very long time. I feel relieved and like I can finally breathe. I didn’t realize how much I had been holding my breath. How uncomfortable my body was all the time. I’m feeling so much better these days.
But as I bawled on the floor I realized that the natural consequences of divorce that are coming had me worried and concerned, more than I realized.
Preparing for Christmas as coparents had my worrying about our kids and how they will feel and handle the transition of living with both parents under one roof, to living with us under separate roofs. Currently, they are handling the idea of it well, and I believe their okayness is genuine. We’ve done a good job creating a loving home and solid foundation. Also, the split is amicable; neither of us are having a difficult time. Inevitably though, emotions will arise as significant changes occur in the new year. The divorce will bring big changes for us all and I’ve been worrying about them and others… I think I kinda forgot to worry about me. Also, guilt tends to get the best of me before I can feel deeper feelings like grief.
Liam so lovingly reassured me that they all are okay and will be okay. I receive his reassurance and reassure myself – I know I won’t do anything to hurt them; I know I will take every step carefully because that’s who I am. I love my kids and I care deeply for their hearts and our relationship. I choose Love and Love doesn’t hurt.
But I had a moment. A good cry. Lots of fears and guilt to work through. In my excitement of figuring out my problem, the reason I’ve been miserable and depressed and even suicidal for the past ten years, I think I ignored the hard parts of this transition. Physical pain sure has a way of bringing feelings to the surface if you let it. Of course I will because I want to heal. I don’t want to be stuck and mostly dead anymore! I really think I kept getting hurt because God was trying to get my attention. I’ve been asking him to help me become aware of my emotions, my blocks to love so I can heal. For whatever reason I needed physical pain to get my attention.
I’m grateful I had that moment, to get it all out and feel my feelings. Laying on the playroom floor with my kids cuddled on top of me- it was a gift I received and I also gave to myself. I’m proud of my growth. The old me would have been less than kind to myself and it probably would have ruined my day. Instead, I worked through it, healed my big feelings in the core of my heart, and moved on ❤️ I’m proud of me!
So, today, after finally resting last night, I fully immersed myself in Christmas morning with my kids. It was especially delightful watching Anna in full magic of Christmas mode as a seven year old. It was just absolutely perfect.
I stood back and took it all in and as I did, and likely because I created lots of space for good feelings (by releasing my heavy sad feelings the day before), I realized something…
For the first time in ten years or longer, I was actually genuinely happy on Christmas morning.
I’m a conditioned nice and happy person. Is it my personality? Or a learned behavior? Or both? I like being nice, friendly, accommodating. Giving of myself this way often brings me joy so it doesn’t usually come at a cost. But over the years being the nice one, the one who sees everyone and everything and is constantly trying to improve the emotional and aesthetic environment so everyone feels seen and comfortable, and the one who’s also feeling controlled constantly, being nice, even to strangers began to wear me out.
This spiritual journey I’m on is teaching me that it’s better to be genuine than to act. Yes, because acting is fake and dishonest. But more importantly, because acting represses emotions. And repressed emotions create negative energy. And negative energy is a life suck.
‘Repressed emotions’ is one of the many reasons I choose to end my marriage. But, removing only one repressor from my psyche doesn’t actually solve the problem.
I’m using an amazing skill to help me work through my big emotions. I learned it from Jeff and Shaleia, my spiritual teachers and the founders of Twin Flames Universe. You can learn the skill by watching this YouTube video…I promise it will change your life:
So, I mirrored a BUNCH of emotions that came up yesterday and finally fell asleep at 4am.
At 830 this am I stood back and had a wave of beautiful emotion come over me. And realized…
I’m actually really happy.
For the past ten years I’ve been hiding and denying a huge part of myself. I unknowingly, and with the best intentions, repressed big big feelings. Every Christmas Eve I’d grow frustrated, annoyed, exasperated. In every Christmas card I wrote to Bryce I would apologize for being such a bugger… I always spent the holiday frustrated and irritable. But I didn’t know why I was frustrated and irritable. I figured it was stress. But I LOVE Christmas. I love wrapping presents and watching Christmas movies and singing carols and playing games and smiling! Smiling’s my favorite. I love love love celebrating the birth of Jesus. Everything about Christmas is so precious. But I struggled to embrace it.
Today I finally got clarity into why I was actually able to be genuinely happy. I was genuinely able to enjoy all the little moments.
And here’s why…
Because I’m finally allowed to feel my feelings.
Imagine being in love with someone and being forced and feeling forced to deny it every day. Imagine believing that your feelings are DECEPTIVE and WRONG. That’s what the past ten years have been for me. And because I love this holiday, because it’s romantic and full of joy, the building pressure between wanting to enjoy it to it’s fullness and having to repress my genuine emotions grew and grew and led to an ungraceful unraveling every Christmas Eve and morning. Which led to a guilt ridden and repentant wife. This pattern was on repeat for years and I couldn’t figure out why.
I’m allowed to experience and consciously hold all this love I have in my heart for my person.
Now I understand.
So this Christmas, because I’ve been feeling my feelings- the “good”, “bad”, and “ugly”- I have genuinely been able to be NICE. (I put these words in quotes because I don’t believe feelings should be judged as being good or bad… And certainly not deceptive!!! I used them because I know readers understand what I mean by using these words). Who knew repressing GOOD emotions, like LOVE, could have such a detrimental effect.
Today and everyday now I allow myself to feel the Love I have in my heart for the only man I ever truly Loved. And because of this, I was actually able to enjoy my kids. I genuinely laughed and played and soaked it all up.
Everyone says “you’re going to miss this” and “enjoy them when they’re little” and I hear you!!!! I believe this to be true and I want to heed this cautionary tale. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t just absorb them. Because there was no space inside of me for anything but what I couldn’t set free. Love, guilt, condemnation, more guilt, and so much grief.
It’s funny. I’m getting divorced… But for the first time in over a decade I actually feel like I genuinely made the “nice list”. I wasn’t irritable or faking it this year. I wasn’t mostly dead inside. I wasn’t people pleasing and catering to everyone around me and completely denying myself and then over indulging in another area. Every act of kindness was genuine and came from a place of peace.
I’m so grateful. Merry Christmas to me 💖
If you’re looking for a lesson or a moral of the story, here’s how I would sum it up….
Feel your feelings. All of them. Slow down and allow yourself to feel angry, devastated, grief… Allow yourself to love who you love. Doing anything less is so damaging to the self and thus everyone around you.
This was probably the smallest Christmas under the tree we’ve had and the least money we spent… But the two littles said it was the best Christmas ever. I didn’t over compensate by spending tons of money or lavishing them with tons of shit. I picked gifts with love and intention, wrapped and prepared from a place of peace and joy, and they felt it.
Energy is everything.
Christmas magic really does come from the heart. But the magic will be lost if your heart is full of pain and closed to Love.
You love who you love. I love who I love. My freedom came when I gave myself permission to feel it fully, with no expectations. Oh, and I ended my relationship with guilt and shame too.
If you’re looking to experience Christmas magic, it’s not too late. Close your eyes, feel into the core of your heart, ask yourself ‘how do I feel?”. The heart always knows. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, confused, whatever comes up. Don’t judge it. Allow yourself to feel madly in love with someone you “shouldn’t” be. I wish I had allowed myself this 10 years ago and every moment since then.
When you’ve found the part of you that feels the feeling, ask that part of yourself what it needs to feel loved. Often what I need is a big hug… acceptance… grace… peace… and lots of unconditional love. So I just give it to myself. I’ll often fall asleep wrapped up in my prayer shawl giving myself as big of a hug as I can manage. God knows how much big hugs heal me.
Did you make the “nice list” this year? The nice list is your own determination…. You get to decide if you were able to come to the gift of Christmas like a kid. Or was your heart burdened like mine has been for over a decade?
Feel your feelings. Allow God’s pure love to shine a bright white light on it, and give yourself the gift of yourself. You deserve it.
Ugh like all things, I struggle to just SAY IT. I was on the fence about writing, or when I would. But a dear sweet friend of mine from way back in highschool (middle school but we weren’t friends… Yet!!!) sent me this shirt and the affirming message with it…
I hold back because I worry about everyone’s feelings, even my twin flame’s feelings… I don’t want to upset anyone or worse …upset myself lol! I worry worry worry and as a result I keep my mouth shut. 39 years of doing this has proven that it’s NOT working. I wanted to DIE being quiet. (Really it was just my truth wanted the silenced part of me to die, I didn’t literally want to die … just want to make that clear 😅)
This journey is SAVING MY LIFE. It’s bringing me back to life. It’s breathing life back into these dry bones. Like the lyrics from our song…
“You pick me up when I fall down You ring the bell before they count me out If I was drowning you would part the sea And risk your own life to rescue me”
I thought I needed my twin to rescue me but nope. It was God. He left the 99 and came after me… Stranded on the edge of a cliff, about to fall off 😅
Look at me… The G.O.A.T. 😂🔥
He caught me flying, flailing, desperately screaming and plopped me right in Twin Flame Ascension school.
I’m SO GRATEFUL!!!
This is my journey back to God, into a deeper more meaningful, whole, trusting relationship and why would I not share that?!
Also, say it with me…
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE’S FEELINGS!
Just mine.
Just me.
That’s all I’m responding for.
So if this upsets you, take it to God. And do the mirror exercise. Claim your healing and claim your good. That’s what God really wants for us ❤️
Soooo, stay tuned! I’m gonna share all the beautiful details of my incredible twin flame journey 🔥🔥
Oh, and adding a new signature in honor of my beautiful twin 🥰
Honest. Kind. Shine.
XxOoXXo. (Said with the voice of jack black from nacho libre.. Big hug…little hug…Big kiss…little kiss…two Big hugs…little kiss.)
My senior year of college, I made this art piece to represent the word “joy”.
While I think it’s a fair representation of the word, I think a better word fits…
Resiliency.
I’m only now connecting this word to this creation.
Only now after fully liberating myself.
Bryce and I had been dating 3 years at the time I created this (2006). We were already engaged to be married the following April. My whole undergraduate experience in school for art therapy allowed me to, gave me the space to, creatively and artistically express our evolving relationship.
Now, almost 20 years later, I look at this art piece (and other similar ones I’ve created since…) And I’m realizing a few things….
This heart is not healed.
This heart is wrapped in wire (representing chains), has holes punctured in and through it.
It’s wrapped in plaster of paris, which if you’ve ever used, you know that shit is hard as rock.
It’s also a box. A box that I wrapped over and over again so that it could never be opened.
Then, on top of it all, I gave it away. I left it in My Father’s House.
I didn’t even want to keep my “joy”.
I never realized all the symbolism until now…and how incredibly telling and foreshadowing it is.
When I made this art piece I had Bryce in mind. Nineteen years ago I fell head over heels for him, and not even two months into my first adult romantic relationship I was planning marriage and forever. That’s all I ever wanted. Something that would last and something safe and stable. Something better than what I had as a kid.
I was on my way to making that dream a reality. I thought he was the reason I felt joy, the reason I was radiating. I thought he was the one who helped me shine. And while there is some truth here, it’s not the whole truth.
Side note… ironically, our wedding song was “At my most beautiful” by R.E.M. … Here’s some lyrics…
I’ve found a way to make you I’ve found a way A way to make you smile
Here’s me ATM….
Why did we pick this song? Seriously? My nickname almost everywhere has been something smiley of sorts… people always comment on how much I smile. Why would we pick a song whose lyrics say ‘i found a way to make you smile’??? Two words.
Cognitive Dissonance.
Sometime after high school (2002 or so) I painted this at church during worship.
I was still attending The Father’s House in Lewisburg and they offered lots of different ways to experience worship- one of them was painting. I will always take advantage of any opportunity to play with paint ❤️
Bryce and I weren’t yet dating when I created this 2002 piece.
As you can see, I have a theme. Both art pieces obviously represent a radiant light bursting out from the inside of a wounded heart.
There’s a saying that goes,
The scripture is also just so perfect:
“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.” Isaiah 60:1
I remember picking this verse. I obviously didn’t know what my life had in store. But it’s just so absolutely perfect for today, for my new journey.
I had no other choice but to believe Isaiah 60:1 as a girl becoming a woman. I had to believe that God’s light would shine in and through me. I would be dead without this belief, I know it. God’s love and light has ALWAYS been alive and well within me.
The box light, “Joy” was created after I had found “the love of my life”, the man I was planning to marry.
So… why would I create an art piece that looked like I had experienced more pain and was in more bondage than the painting I created even before I told someone about my childhood sexual abuse? You would think that my heart would look more healed after sharing that weight and beginning to heal. You would think “grief shared is grief divided”. You would think that joy would look more whole, especially because I’m engaged and planning a wedding! But my art doesn’t depict this.
A picture really does say a thousand words.
There’s all kinds of ways to pick this apart and you can think whatever you want but here’s the truth:
My art showed more pain because I was in more pain. My art revealed more bondage because I was in more bondage. I just didn’t know it.
Bryce is a good human and I don’t want to shame or humiliate him. That is not the intention of my writing. My intention is to share my heart, MY experience, and why it took me 19 years to come to this realization and decision.
He was and has always been loving towards me, supportive, and has cared very much about and for me. He is a good father, a good human, and he was a good husband. I know he loved me the best way he could. But… things happened. As they do in every relationship. Nothing serious, nothing major, but… I’m a sensitive person, an HSP, an empath, and I have a lot of feelings. I needed someone who could care for my feelings in an attentive and gentle way. I now know that I was created to experience a deep soulful, emotional, transcendental love.
When I was 20, with all my trauma festering under the surface, and in desperate need of a knight in shining armor, Bryce was right there. I splashed him with a puddle of muddy water and he paid attention to me. We both did the best we could with what we had. We both really really really tried.
But the heart I gave to him was first scarred by abuse in 1994 and then hardened and chained by betrayal in 2004. I realize now that my heart never functioned the same after that betrayal. I’m resilient and I have the Love of God alive in me so yes, I still shine. To the world I looked fine. To me I felt fine. Happy. Blissful even.
Cognitive Dissonance.
I’m a happy person. That might be a personality trait or it might be a survival skill, maybe both. Be happy or someone will notice that you’re dying inside. Someone will see that I was broken and I had no soft place to land. So, what’s a 23 year old to do? I had no idea how wounded I was. I had no idea how hurt I was. I had no idea what Love was. I was starved as a child so breadcrumbs felt like Shady Maple. (Look it up.)
I didn’t know I plastered my heart and wrapped it in wire and chains sometime in 2004. And then made art to represent the truth but called it “joy” instead. But I did.
Cognitive Dissonance.
My heart stayed that way until fire and gasoline and Love set me on fire and set my light free for a minute in 2012. I wasn’t supposed to…. But I fell in Love. Real Love. Transcendental, Divine LOVE. It took me ten years to realize that what I experienced with him was NOTHING like anything I had ever experienced before or after. This. Is. Special. This love healed my heart. This love set me free. This love inspired me, ignited me, raptured me. This love brought me back to God.
But as soon as I set myself free by choosing myself for the first time ever in my life, I had to deny myself again. Because I wasn’t allowed to have it. I had to surrender Transcendental, Unconditional Love. I already had “love” and I “need to be happy with what you have”. “Stop wanting more.” “What you have is enough.” “This is God’s will.”
But my heart was exploding. My heart was breaking free.
I thought I lost this photograph. Abraham Hicks says You can’t find something you think is lost. If you believe it’s lost the universe will align with you and keep it lost. You have to believe it’s found. I wasn’t looking and BAM there it was. I looked and looked for this photo in July. I found it while looking for a different photo last night.
I painted this in 2012 or so, in my bed, next to Bryce while he slept. This painting was me giving myself permission to feel my feelings. My therapist at the time told me I wasn’t allowed to feel my feelings (!!!😵!!!) but I think I might have died if I didn’t. I HAD to create. I had to get it out of me. I was exploding with Love and grief.
I had so much love energy…so much passion…I just had to create. I pulled paints and brushes and just sobbed and slapped paint all over the canvas…all over our bed. I screamed and cried and my husband slept. This is a pretty telling example of my emotional experience in our relationship.
My heart found Unconditional Love and I wasn’t allowed to have it. I was in Love and then I was forced to grieve an untimely and premature death. I was in Love and no one would listen. I was in Love and I was forced to kill it. We created a perfect Love…and I destroyed it.
It wasn’t long after this that I started shutting down my feelings again.
I took this photo of my painting before I cut into the canvas and stabbed the heart with a railroad spike. I’m glad I took this picture… Because look at it. No wire. No plaster. No chains. Just a huge explosion. I think this painting is more similar to the one I painted in 2002 than the box I created in 2006.
Before I decided on divorce, I felt so much pain in my chest. I even went to the ER. Of course they sent me home fine, a clean bill of health. But I knew what was wrong. My heart was broken. I lost touch with Love. I thought it was breaking because of someone else. That’s not true.
There are two truths about my heart pain… 1) my heart was waking up, reactivating, remembering Love. Like being shocked by an AED 2) my heart was breaking. I was and had been grieving the end of my marriage for a very very very long time.
In fact, I think I’ve been in the bargaining stage of grief for well over 10 years. Like I said, we really really tried.
There are moments between 2009 to the present where I lost touch with my heart. Like, I couldn’t find the Love I’ve always known… My resilience, my radiance….it faded in and out. Sometime between 2012 and 2022 I almost completely lost touch with Love. It’s like I was spinning in space, further and further away from my Source.
Over the past ten years, I’ve become increasingly angry, arrogant, depressed, and like… Dead. I’ve often wondered…why can’t I cry? Why can’t I feel? My feelings would build and build until they exploded. I kept attracting relationships that would end chaotically. Then and only then would I be able to cry… But I wouldn’t cry. I would bawl. Hyperventilate. Spin into suicidal ideation.
For ten years I recreated in most of my new relationships (and several existing) the devastating loss I experienced in 2012. Losing people was the only way I could feel anything. I’m just realizing this now.
After my heart exploded in 2012, I went away on a mini weekend retreat and painted again.
While away on my “MEtreat”, I received a vision while meditating. The vision was of a healed heart in the clouds, like heaven.
I went to a Catholic college so the sacred heart was displayed everywhere. I never really noticed though how much it resembled all the art I’ve created through the years. I think my art, like Sacred Heart art, is divinely inspired. Actually, I know it is.
So, I began painting. I started with the clouds and I knew I wanted to paint a healed heart in these clouds.
But… There was one problem….I was thinking about someone else. Buuuuut I was married to Bryce.
The GUILT was consuming. How. Dare. I. Love. Another. I’m Deplorable. Vile. Adulterous.
But…
Somewhere along the way I stumbled upon quotes like “don’t follow your heart for it is deceitful above all things”. And “marriage isn’t supposed to make you happy, it’s supposed to make you holy”.
So, because I believe the Bible and those in spiritual power, I began to forsake my heart, kill love, and stab myself with ice picks (migraines) and my side with thorns (chronic bladder spasms). I also chained my mouth shut (TMJ). I carried the weight of grief and condemnation on my shoulders (chronic shoulder and back pain).
In 2013 I was still in Love’s presence and the vision was still alive in my soul. But still, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get the vision to leave my brain, my soul, and flow out of a paintbrush. I couldn’t bring paint to canvas. The desire was there. The will was there. The image carved itself into my brain. But I was blocked. I couldn’t find my heart.
It’s interesting how this painting actually shows that. Just a blank space where something is supposed to be. I’ve held onto this canvas for 10 years. I almost threw it away this summer but Liam convinced me to keep it. He said, “you’ll figure it out mama, I know you will”. Oh Liam, you really were shaped by Love when you were in my tummy ❤️ He knows. He gets it.
Almost two months ago I was still in crisis. I couldn’t sleep, eat, function. I stopped working because I COULDN’T. It would have been unethical… I couldn’t do it. It’s hard to explain. I wasn’t depressed. I was….stuck. I now know that God put a hold on me to get me to WAKE UP.
And I did! Thank you Jesus! He left the 99 and he came for me. He brought me home, fed me, gave me a warm bed and clean pjs. And began breathing life into my dry and dead bones.
In June, I set off running on a feeling journey, a journey back to my heart, back to Love. It has been…. interesting. There have been twists and turns and distractions and decoys. I’ve also experienced a lot of miracles – like completely resolved migraines that I had almost daily for 10 years. Completely resolved TMJ. Completely resolved chronic neck and shoulder pain. No changes were made except I got HONEST about my FEELINGS.
February 2004-October 18 2022 was a classic case of extreme cognitive dissonance exacerbated by a warped belief system full of dogma, judgement, condemnation, lies, and bullshit. It took me four months to unpack 10+ years of confusion and pain. In the process of unpacking, I tried everything. I even tried exploring polyamory to resolve my “problem” 😂 I can laugh at this now because it’s just so silly. What I really needed…
Was to end my marriage.
So I did.
Looking back, I can see that on 6/26/22, my heart couldn’t handle the lies I kept telling myself and it just cracked open. Just like it did in June of 2012, almost exactly 10 years earlier.
It took four months for everything that I kept buried deep inside to come out. And then, finally, once I got it all out… I had an epiphany. And asked myself….”how would you feel if you got divorced”?
The answer?
Relieved.
Devasted. But relieved. I never allowed myself to consider divorce. It was off the table. I didn’t use that word. Instead, I allowed myself to become suicidal. I would fantasize disappearing. Like I never existed. No one would mourn my absence, I wouldn’t have to bother anyone with my death. I would just POOF be gone . I understand now that there was a part of me that was screaming HELP! Get me out of here! LEAVE! But I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. It wasn’t an option.
And…to boot… Our marriage was pretty good! Not terrible. But somewhere along the way I realized that some needs…needs most people don’t talk about…had never been met. Except for that one time in 2012. And now that I was allowing myself to consider that moment as something GOOD, it all started to click together. Like Clark and his Christmas lights…
Ten years of pining and thinking and wondering and crying and nearly dying…. I figured it out.
I love Bryce. But I was never IN LOVE. I know, it’s surprising. Looking at us you’d think we were.
We’re both very easy going people, very kind people. We have a good friendship. We work well together. I’m a very loving person, especially when I feel safe. Bryce rescued me from my family of origin, parts of which were physically abusive. I have always felt physically safe with Bryce.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs illustrates that people cannot grow or actualize until basic needs are met. Physical safety is a basic need.
But I’m more than just a physical person. I’m an emotional person. I’m a sexual person. I’m a spiritual person. I had no idea that safety in these areas, all areas, was possible OR necessary to make a marriage not only work, but PASSIONATE.
There was no passion in our marriage. There was no shared depth of emotion. There was love, there was fun, there was adventure, there was conversation, there was friendship. But we did not have passion. We did not share deep emotion. It takes two to tango as they say….and I’ve been trying to tango alone and drag him along for 19 years. (funny because he doesn’t like to dance)…
There was more than that missing/problematic, but that’s as much as I’m willing to share publicly. You just have to accept that my marriage was not healthy for me anymore. I outgrew it as I grew in some extremely foundational areas.
I don’t owe anyone an explanation. That’s not why I’m doing this. I’m writing this because I KNOW I can’t be the only one. Everyone deserves Love.
Soul mate relationships are nice. They are cozy, warm, basic. No drama. But, in soul mate relationships, you don’t really grow. You get stagnant. Bored. You gain weight, lose hair, collect a ton a shit you don’t need. Most of America exists like this. But just because it’s normal doesn’t make it right.
Everyone thinks that just by identifying as a Christian that they’re not conforming. But have you been to a mega church? Have you talked to a conservative Christian since 2020? I think Christians have a knack for conforming, too.
I think this Romans verse is better lived out by those who go on a true spiritual journey back to God. A wild, crazy, amazing ride back to the heart of God, back to Unconditional Love.
God woke me up in June and poured out his all encompassing and consuming Love, Wisdom, and Truth faster than I could process. AH says that God doesn’t usually give humans a flood of downloads like this because well…we can look and feel a little crazy. Apparently this process is called Kundalini awakening .
As a result of my spiritual awakening, I discovered Truth, Peace, and Love again. The fire was relit in my soul. But, it was like a turbo burst and I needed to get control of all of this new and wild energy before I could really get grounded and rest. Chill. I’m now enjoying peace and clarity and Oneness with God and others ❤️ It’s beautiful 🥰
I’m painting again, and received s new/updated inspiration for my 10 year old canvas. It’s not finished yet… It’s missing something, I’m not sure what… But I know I’ll know soon 🔥
I chose divorce and my heart has been set on fire. My heart is healed. It is whole. No more chains, no more scars, no more darkness. Just Love 💘
The inspiration continues as I find my way back into the world. I know when I’m aligned with God, with Love, when I can turn my visions into reality. I know I’m following God’s call on my life when the fruit of the spirit blossoms from my life’s tree. Since ending my marriage I have reconciled multiple relationships. I’ve passed my licensure exam. I’m envisioning my future and making my dreams come true. There is no longer a shortage of love. Some marriages are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay ❤️
Please don’t apologize for our divorce. We are both happier now. This is truly what’s best for everyone.
When you choose Unconditional Love, everyone wins. Love wins. ❤️
I write when I feel inspired. It’s like the words can’t help but fall from my lips, or fingertips, rather. The past 3-4 months are evidence of a lot of inspiration ….but also evidence of a lot of chaos which has come as a result of absolute panic.
Remember I said I had a secret? Well, the secrets keep unveiling themselves, secrets that I didn’t even know I had….are you seeing a pattern? Apparently I have a lot of them (patterns… And secrets) 😬
If you know me, you know that I’m about as authentic as they come. I have a fierce need to be genuine, to be real. There’s nothing more painful, exhausting, and awkward for me than to be fake or not myself… I’ve only ever been “fake” or dishonest about one thing, one person. Anytime I’ve felt like I have to be something other than I am/was with this person or in regards to this person I FLAILED and flailed hard. Like a chicken with my head cut off. Like a fish out of water.
I panic. I act crazy. I act so out of character and it’s like I can’t stop!!!! I embarrass myself, I embarrassed this person. I broke their trust with my flailing. They trusted me. They hoped I would be who they thought I was… Calm, kind, soft, sweet, silly, safe, warm, inviting, thoughtful, considerate.
But I wasn’t. They trusted me and I flailed and therefore, I failed.
I’ve been wearing a mask.
I’ve been walking with one shoe.
I’ve been painting with the wrong end of the brush.
I’ve managed to keep very essential parts of myself hidden, unseen, unheard, and mostly untouched, and consequently, I’ve disrespected myself, my values, my boundaries, and my needs for most of my life.
How has this happened. How could I, Kitty, have been so disillusioned for so. long.??
It just doesn’t add up. It doesn’t add up to my true nature and who I am at my core. A free spirit, a lover, a force of unbridled passion, creativity that frees and inspires, and a life full of compassion and grace… This is who I know that I am…. yet… It just doesn’t all add up. How can I be so genuine but keep some things so hidden. I’m still uncovering this reality. It’s a painful and humbling process.
(I just had a realization while proof reading…. If I flail and draw attention to that chaotic part of me then it will distract from the deeper hurting powerless part of me. The part of me that experienced the fullness of love but believed she couldn’t have it. The inability to be true to myself in this way is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I flailed because I was in pain. Insurmountable grief. Heart shattered. And a grief that hasn’t stopped in ten years.)
So, yeah, I have secrets that are spilling out, some like acid on soft skin, burning the tender parts of those who get too close. Or that I pull too close. My heart feels like it’s a caged wild bird, full of rage and emotions that come on strong and fast- I’m doing anything and everything to break free from this prison. I’m having realizations and gaining information that is almost too much to process all at once.
When I slow down and take an honest look at myself though, I realize that I’ve been processing all of this slowly for years.
I’ve been quietly untangling every delicate thread and I didn’t even realize it.
I’m not the type to rip and tear unless the thread, or the chain seems unfixable or not worth the untangling effort.
Have you ever helped your grandma untangle a bunch of necklaces?
I was about 14 or so and my Grammy had a few necklaces that got tangled up. She got ‘flustrated’ and offered me a try. Little did I know, I loved the careful process of untangling and unknotting. It was so relieving when I was finally able to pull one loose, to make big progress and work out a giant knot. It’s exhilarating, weirdly. As they say, idle hands are the devil’s playground and when you’re untangling knots, well, it’s impossible for your hands to be idle. Not saying I agree with this sentiment now as an adult, but it was this kind of stuff that was forced into my mind as a kid. Like me and every other overworked and underfun-ed evangelical ever…. we’ve believed some bs.
As a result of the bs lies and a trauma response/anxious/insecure coping mechanism, I meticulously untangle every knot in my mind. Maybe I like doing it. Maybe it’s to my detriment. Maybe it’s both and then something more.
I’m not ready to share my secrets. And maybe I never will, publicly anyway. But, I will say that this is what I realized:
For 10+ years I’ve been untangling one giant mess. I’ve been untying a knot, so to speak.
As I work through it, I find nuggets of truth and hidden gems. Sometimes I flail as I get close to uncovering a diamond or gold. The flailing is, I’m realizing, a response to panic and desperation.
Just imagine that you’re realizing that you’ve been a tangled up mess full of diamonds and gold you didn’t even realize and then one day your Spirit is like “WAKE UP!!! You have gold all tangled up in there!!!! Time to excavate.”
It’s like living in a desert, desperate for water, seeing a mirage and running for it. I’ll always think of Fievel Goes West when I think of mirages.
Admittedly, I haven’t handled this excavating process as delicately as I probably should have. I used hammers and drills when I should have used brushes and picks. I would probably not make a great paleontologist. Or maybe I would… I just need some time on the job.
It makes me sad to think that I may have destroyed precious gems that have been buried deep inside the crevices of my heart, mind, and soul for over a decade. That I didn’t understand until now how delicate this process is. I was so desperate for freedom, for a solution, for love that I flailed. Yes, I flailed.
I set fires with my words, I pushed boundaries with my body and choices. I have not honored myself, my needs, and wants for most of my life so therefore I cannot and have not honored others boundaries. When I’m flailing, I’m unpredictable chaos. Like the high speed chase down RT 15 that ended with the lady’s car on top of the Chinese restaurant…. How did that actually happen anyway???
It’s just embarrassing. I’m humiliated. I’ve lived a life that I thought was good, right, authentic, and God honoring. I’ve done my best to follow the rules, consider scripture, and live a life modeled after the spiritual leaders I respect.
But, I failed. And I flailed.
My favorite coworker and I used to say “everybody panic!!!!” as a joke. Little did he know that I would take him seriously one day.
So yeah. I panicked and pushed you away by trying to pull you close to a hot stove. I flailed and revealed the ugliest parts of myself.
It’s crazy when the thing you love the most is the detriment… Let that sink in.
You can think again, when the hand you wanna hold is a weapon and You’re nothin’ but skin.
As you can tell 😬 I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I’m being hard on myself because I think that if I do it then everyone will leave me alone. Or it won’t hurt so bad when others do it. Maybe they’ll think “she’s already punished herself enough”. It never seems to work out that way. In fact, my vulnerability and transparency seems to set me up for more lashings. People loooove to come after the scapegoat standing on the chopping block. (Hint, it’s me). It’s interesting that I have no problem taking ownership. Too much ownership. Codependency is a bitch.
Yet, it’s no coincidence that on the day I’m feeling guilty and sorry for myself is the day we celebrate the birth of our youngest, Anna Grace.
She’s 7 today. And amazing. My mini. ❤️ She’s everything I dreamed a daughter would be and so so so much more. I would do a lot of things over but not a single second that brought her to me. God knew she’s exactly what I needed to finally learn to love myself. There’s nothing that’s a better teacher than a baby girl who looks, acts, loves, and sees the world like you do. Every moment with her is like watching myself. As a childhood abuse survivor, this is heartbreaking and incredibly healing. Because if I want to do better by her then I have to heal myself. Because a love that pure only can come from a place of deep self love and respect. A deep KNOWING of who you are- holy, perfect, good, and worthy. Not a sinner.
I’m unlearning so much. For her. For all my kids. For myself. They’re worth it. I’m worth it.
She gets a childhood I didn’t have. Stable, peaceful, full of childhood “problems” and joys. She gets the full experience of just being a kid. Giving her this experience is worth every tear, every sacrifice, and every flail. It’s worth every moment that I’ve been untrue to myself. Because I lied for her. I denied myself to give them joys and stability and consistency and love that I never had. And because of that, I don’t regret a thing.
But, time is up now. It’s time to pay attention to my soul. My soul has been quietly screaming, behind closed doors, behind a caged up heart. Very very very very very few people know the reality of my experience – it’s depth, my pain….how hard I’ve tried. How much I’ve cried. How desperate I’ve been to fulfill the law as defined by my spiritual (religious) guides.
I’ve followed the leading of the holy spirit. I’ve committed my life to prayer and to the fruit of the holy spirit. I’m constantly learning, growing, pouring myself into wisdom and goodness. And I’ve still failed. Because I’ve lied. I lied so good I believed it was the truth. I genuinely believed.
It’s crazy how what we believe influences how much we know, even about ourselves.
The good part of all of this is grace.
And now that I’ve spent some time feeling bad and guilty and beating myself up, it’s time to talk about grace, grace, God’s grace.
When I was pregnant with Anna, this song would come on the radio, A LOT. At 2:42 you’ll hear “let me introduce you to grace, grace, God’s grace” and it sounds like angels singing. Every time I heard this frame I would burst into tears uncontrollably… There was just something so compelling about it…
Anna didn’t have a name until she was about 3 hours old. We had discussed naming her Anna if she was born on the 24th because that is also her great grandfather’s birthday, and his mother’s name is Anna. As fate would have it, she was indeed born on grandpa’s birthday. We already had the middle name Grace picked out.
My mom asked when she was about 6 hours old what “Anna” means… Go ahead and Google it. I’ll wait.
So, here she is, Grace Grace- our double portion of grace. How cool is that.
I often wake up around 3am full of emotion – mostly love, especially these days. Sometimes I wake up crying, grieving, full of love so deep that I could drown in it. I so desperately want to be held in these moments. I’ve felt so alone throughout my 39 years…even with the company of the 4 warm bodies that adorn my bed from time to time.
Because the truth is that there’s nothing that comforts better than God’s embrace. I’m sure He’s held me more times than I’m aware of.
Our first night together, I fell asleep breastfeeding my brand new almost 9 pound bundle of girly goodness and woke up, about 3am to this song, her song, playing in my head. Anna looked up at me as I heard the lyrics, and angels sang, ‘Let me introduce you to Grace, Grace, God’s Grace.’
I flashbacked to every moment I heard that song while I was pregnant with her. Every moment I had to pull over in the car because I was overwhelmed by God’s love and embrace. Every time I fell to my knees because it was like angels were singing inside of my womb.
And then, there she was, Anna Grace- the girl who would have only been named Anna if she was born on that day… TEN LONG DAYS after her due date. It was meant to be. ❤️
Three short years before this I got caught up in one of the most difficult, life changing moments of my existence. I felt incredibly guilty for my choices, for such a long time. I beat myself up more than necessary, especially as I see it all so much more clearly now.
For yearsss I’ve been so unkind to myself because of guilt. I’ve denied myself because of this ongoing guilt. I’ve made myself small, accepted mistreatment, and completely denied my needs because of this guilt. Go ahead and tell me that I’m already forgiven…. Ya, I know. But y’all will go ahead and tell me that I’m a sinner and should feel guilty the second I wanna talk about it. The second I find a thread of good in the tangled up mess.
Side note: Evangelicals are so quick to destroy each other. That’s why I’m done. I’m an exvangelical.
I’m still a believer though, in fact, I think my spirituality is stronger and more faceted than it’s ever been. I feel more and more spiritually rooted everyday. I’ve flailed as recent as Friday last week but as I finish untangling this mess I’m beginning to really see how beautiful all the different threads and colors are. I’m beginning to see how all my flailing and chaos was a result of being all tangled up. Of trying to be an efficient spool of thread while actually being a tangled up mess inside. And I’m over here like I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
After all, that’s how we’re supposed to be when we’re walking with Christ, right? Some would say it’s normal to be a hot mess. Honestly though, I kinda hoped life would be more than that. That I might actually be fulfilled, whole, happy. That the fruit would be multiplied without having to kill myself to make it happen. I think I’ve been doing it wrong. And no one even noticed.
But how were they supposed to? I didn’t even notice.
I know God will redeem all of this. I know it simply because he is good. He is a good good father. And his grace is sufficient. It’s sufficient in all of my humanity. I am perfect and holy.
In my walking with God, I may be called to depths you’ve never explored. I may do things you never thought I would do. You may doubt and question everything.
Here’s the simple truth. I don’t care what you think. I care what God thinks. I’m going to continue to pursue the Divine with all my heart and soul and trust that the universe has my best interest at heart and that they are leading me towards love. Anna is a literal gift of grace. God saw me hating myself and beating myself up for so long. And all He ever sang over me was grace. I couldn’t hear it past all the noise so He had to put it in me. Grace. Just grace. It wasn’t an affair. It wasn’t sin. It wasn’t wrong, bad, evil, deserving of eternal or even earthly punishment. God sees it for what it was/is and His grace prevails. I will not live in shame or condemnation anymore. If you don’t get it, that’s a you problem, not a me problem.
His grace covers me, His grace is in my veins, it’s in and behind every tear, every word, every misstep. His grace is sufficient. I am whole. I am peace. I am free. I am fire.
This freedom is what sets my soul on fire. This love is what gives me the ability to bask in grace, grace, God’s grace.
Fire without grace is a hot flailing mess.
Grace without fire is…well… codependency. And boring lol.
This post talks about some of my suicidal thoughts. If you are triggered by or upset by these kinds of thoughts, please do not read. If you read and do become upset, that’s normal and okay! Please reach out to someone you trust. You can always reach out to me, too. ❤️
September is suicide awareness month. It also happens to be my birthday month. (yes I get a whole month. Deal 😋😁).
For my birthday this year, I’m asking for donations to 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Facebook offers these easy ways to donate money around your birthday time. I’ve seen some become really successful! I’m hoping this blog post will motivate readers to find compassion in their hearts for people like me. There’s more than you can imagine. Currently, we have a 13 year old kiddo who has come into our life who experiences suicidal ideation daily.
SI is often met with judgement. I’m going to strongly challenge you, if you are prone to judgement, in regards to suicide or otherwise, that YOU indeed are part of the problem.
I’m judgmental too. It’s really hard not to be. We are analytical humans, always trying to understand our world and the people in it. Some of us are even professional judgers! (Hint: therapists, pastors, doctors, anyone who works in human services… We are trained to judge.)
It’s time to FLUSH our judgments. Flush em all. Like seriously, all of them.
Blue cat=judgementalness
I have experienced suicidal ideation on and off for most of my adult life. I don’t mind talking about it except that many many people think that those who have SI are “attention seeking” and wildly, irresponsibly, and overly emotional. I’ll tell ya one thing- it sure sucks to be judged when you already feel like a burden.
That’s what my SI has said to me.
You’re a burden. You’re unlovable. You annoy people, frustrated them, no one understands you because you’re broken, you’re sinful.
Your heart is deceitful, it lies. Your heart has hurt everyone you love. Your love is like death. Your thoughts and needs drive the people you love crazy.
You’re too much.
You exhaust everyone around you. The world would be better off without your crazy mind, misplaced emotions, and inability to function like the rest of us. You’re hurting everyone. Your children deserve better.
Your death would open up space for someone to do better. Someone who understands how people are supposed to be. You don’t understand. You shouldn’t BE.
I could never actively take my life. But I have passively wished for it to end more times than I can count.
The quiet and often solitude experience of suicidal thoughts is enough to drain years off a life and overall diminish a person’s quality of life. Imagine carrying these thoughts around with you. Imagine thinking that no one actually cares. The world must keep spinning, right? After all, everyone has to work, sleep, watch their TV shows, scroll their phones…
No one has time for your whiney bullshit, Kitty. No one should have to stop their life to help you feel loved. Who TF do you think you are?
Suicidal thoughts are obviously lies.
Sadly, ALL of us who experience them experience them as TRUTH. And, go looking for evidence, you’ll find it. People think the world is flat for heaven’s sake. It’s not that far of a stretch to believe you’re a burden when the people in your life literally don’t call or text back.
Oy.
I don’t want sympathy. Empathy would be nice- if you really care you can ask what my SI experience is like for me. You can ask me why I have thoughts like this. You can ask me what you can do in those moments and then follow through. (Hint: it’s not much. Just hugs mostly.)
Suicide is heavy. Talking about it takes some of the shame out of it. Talking about it empowers others who haven’t healed yet to talk about it. I’m not 100% healed but I’m better than I was two days ago, two months ago, two years ago.
If talking about suicide makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay! That’s normal. Feel free to say that; be honest about your feelings. Try not to avoid talking about it though. Avoidance is the fuel for suicidal thoughts.
Try to imagine what it would be like to feel suicidal. Ask your suicidal friend what it’s like for them. Hold lots of space. No need to fix it.
The best thing you can do is slow down. Be present. Be available.
If a friend calls and is upset…MAKE space. If you can’t make space, you don’t know how to love. If you have a hair cut scheduled, reschedule it. If you made plans to go out with a buddy, ask for a rain check. If you’re at work, ask for a mental health hour. If you’re in the middle of dinner with your family, quietly excuse yourself. PEOPLE will understand. And if they don’t, are they really your kind of people?
Facebook takes care of the donation processing with no fees. My goal is $390 for my 39th birthday. A $39 donation is enough of a birthday gift for me ❤️ Thank you for caring about other people.
Empathy. Vulnerability. Safety.
Let them tell their story.
If you’re not able or willing to do this hard task, that’s okay. Talking is hard, listening is even harder. Just donate money and help save lives. Tell your friend to call 988. There are lots of people like me out there who feel unloved, worthless, like a burden. Your donation will communicate to them that their life is worth living… That YOU want THEM to stay alive.
Screenshot to donate, use your image search 🔎
We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention crisis line available to anyone in the U.S. in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 988, the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in our national network of crisis centers. You can also text 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org. The 988 Lifeline is a program funded by SAMHSA and run by Vibrant Emotional Health, a 501(c)(3) organization. Your donation will go to Vibrant Emotional Health to support the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline and other programs and services administered by Vibrant.
I’m burdened by the hypocrisy of the “Christian” church.
I can’t believe I’ve played a part in this nonsense… This hate.
Church…we’ve messed up. Big time.
This is abhorrent.#guiltyActually, ask yourself if anyone feels loved by you. Change my mind.Burn every copy of love&respect 🤮Submit submit submit and God will bless you with an asshole for a husband who can’t even find the ketchup on the front door. Also, was told by my pastor and “Christian” therapist that they were angry with me for trying to feel loved. Fuck purity Sounds a bit narcissistic I didn’t write this. I don’t like those words at the end but you should seriously think about if and how your beliefs are hurting you and other people. People should not be able to love better than God.Yeah, this one’s tough for me too. No caption needed. Other than *note: WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACHED #yepThe hypocrisy is as THICK as their skulls…Y’all. I don’t even understand this logic Or this logicI’m actually okay being kept awake. I’m sorry.Cherry picking should be left for actual cherries We’ve really messed up.Well, does it?🎤I try to remember to talk to my unpleasant emotions like I would a little toddler. What do you need? How can I help?No virtue. Read it again with me.I seriously do not even understand how one could think they should be in office.😬Sick.
I’m kind of done with this “Christian” nonsense. Pray for my soul.
Keturah Mae Shine 