Every day that I spend ‘in it’ (see ‘Garden State’ fireplace scene), more and more revelations come to me. I just realized this morning WHY I’m doing this– why I feel like I need to share my thoughts with the “world”.

I suppose there are many reasons why. Of course I had a ‘why’ prior to today, so I guess I should say, I discovered another facet of my why.

There are lots of reasons why I haven’t done this. ((see The Secret (releasing today at 1230) and Pearls Before Swine )). There are lots of reasons to keep everything to myself and/or a select few. Honestly, I think most people in my life, most people I really care about, would either straight out advocate for me to keep it all to myself or subtly imply that I shouldn’t share it. (see upcoming post– #MeToo)

It’s interesting that some people find people who wholeheartedly support their truth and process of revealing that truth. As I was listening to We Can Do Hard Things Podcast (you should seriously give it a listen…the most recent episode is on point!), someone shared that in their coming out process they had parents who were very supportive. They specifically stated, “I’m very lucky”. Everyone talking reflected how special this is- to have people in your life who see your light and not only let you shine, but encourage you to shine… (even if they get burned or blinded by the light in the process). 

Not everyone is this lucky. Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of people in my life who, I truly believe, want to see me. If you know me and you’re here reading this, you are one of those people and I AM SO GRATEFUL. You haven’t failed me… I’m not angry with you or doing this out of spite or as a way to punish you. I’m hedging right now because I’m so sensitive to other people’s feelings, fears, anxiety, hang ups etc. Sadly, I’ve squashed myself to make you comfortable. That my friends is called Codependency. This topic alone deserves its own podcast…oh wait, there is one … you’re welcome 🙂

Part of this healing journey is moving out of codependency and into interdependence (not independence). Those who have depended on my codependency are likely the most anxious about this blog. Of course you are. My silence has kept your peace.

Peacemakers vs Peacekeepers

Five years of silence and ten years of forsaking myself for the sake of others has damn near killed me. I’m so worn out that since July 19th I can’t DO ANYTHING but write. I can’t not do this, friends. Unless you want me to die. For TEN years I’ve been slowly, painfully killing my soul and up until a few weeks ago, I was floating off into oblivion.

Which brings me to my newest ‘why’ facet. 

For this, another analogy… or two.

Okay so, you know Frozen, right? Elsa has magic powers that no one knows about or understands. So she is believed to be dangerous and forced to stay locked in her room by her well-intentioned father. She then reveals her powers, oops, and finds a few people who love her for her and yay, the end. 

Frozen 2… Elsa still feels out of place…alone… no one gets her. She hears a voice which leads her to her people, her “tribe”. She goes on a journey to “Show yourself

Step into the power

Grow yourself

Into something new

You are the one you’ve been waiting for 

All of your life”

This blog is me acknowledging that I’ve been locked in my room, alone. No one knows the depth of pain I’ve suffered. No one knows how much I’ve cried and wanted to die. (Except for Bryce…Bryce mostly knows.) Still, staying locked in my room has made my powers stronger. It’s tempting to go build my own ice palace and live alone with a giant snow monster. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Thank God for the Annas in my life that want me to come home. You are an act of True Love. 

This blog, this public process, this is me, stepping into my power, growing myself. I’ve waited for my tribe to find me, help me grow or grow with me.

Maybe I need to ‘show myself’ so we all can grow, so we can all step into our own power and grow something new.

The movie ends beautifully by Elsa giving up her role as queen and living in the magical forest with her tribe. She’s not alone anymore. She is found.

The truth is, I have been stuffing the truth so long that when it was activated it almost killed me (see Elsa: ice powers). I’m “coming out” (see: Let It Go ). There are people who are genuinely concerned and want to understand (see: Anna). There are people who don’t understand and have Village Anxiety and/or want me to STFU (see: Duke of “Weasel Town” 😂 ). Like Elsa, I’ve been silenced for years. I’ve locked away my truth, my light, my hope for the sake of people I love. Coronation day was June 27th 2022. I built my icy palace and thawed myself faster than the time it took to come out with Frozen 2….thank God! 

I know this process makes you uncomfortable. I love you so I don’t want to be the source of your discomfort. Catch 22, rock and a hard place, conundrum………..

But I love myself MORE. 

Five years of silence and ten years of holding it all in has made me very very very uncomfortable. We can both be a little uncomfortable and move through it or one of us gets to be set free while the other is held captive. I spent my time in captivity. I did my time. You did your time too! Let’s go through this together. Be my Anna, my Kristoff, my Olaf and Sven. Let’s tame and ride this Nokk into Ahtohallan and find the truth and grow something new ❤

Sometimes music says it better than I can 

Stay tuned for ‘why’ analogy #2– Stranger Things

Honest, Kind. Shine. 

Update!:

Okay I found this and omg it’s great! I think they do a better job at explaining the whole analogy than I do. Enjoy ❤