It’s like I stood on the top of a cliff with all my brave and heart and soul. With reckless abandon I took the leap, trusting the deep cool sea below to catch me after I flew gracefully (or chaotically 😅) through the sky.
The others in the photo are a good representation of those who have watched me, of all of you who’ve willingly clicked on over to witness the chaotic explosion that is my wild, messy, beautiful, alive life. I appreciate your witness.
I’ve felt mostly dead for awhile now and the critics and naysayers have said “don’t jump!” or “it’s dangerous!” Your concerns are valid. I appreciate them. I need you to know that I’ve considered the risks. I’m okay with braving this wilderness alone. I’m okay with risking all that’s at stake.
I’ve said I don’t care what others think, but that’s not actually true. We’re made for connection. I do care. Caring and doing it anyway is the hard thing. This public platform assures that I am reserving a seat, as Brene Brown says, for the critic, the shame, scarcity, and comparison voices of the world.
Fear can and will stop us from braving the wilderness. Fear keeps us safe, yes, but it also keeps us stuck, stagnant, and, if we’re called into the wilderness (hint: we all are in one way or another), fear will keep us from getting what we actually want the most. What is actually fulfilling and true and what is from God.
I don’t know about you but God has never blessed me in a big way when I’m just sitting around waiting. He has never blessed me when I was comfortable. The big blessings came with HUGE leaps of faith and trusting that he will equip me as I take every new step into the unknown.
Elsa gets it
I don’t know what the future holds but I know what I want. I don’t know how to get there but I trust myself and I trust the Universe to guide me and provide me with everything I need and more. I belong to myself. I know who I am. I can do this!
Here’s your weekly Brene wisdom…
Every inch of me is trembling But not from the cold Something is familiar Like a dream, I can reach but not quite hold I can sense you there Like a friend I’ve always known I’m arriving And it feels like I am home
I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside You have secrets, too But you don’t have to hide
I’ve never felt so certain All my life, I’ve been torn But I’m here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different Normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?
As you’ve probably gathered, I am in the midst of a pretty intense battle of sorts. I am trying to move through it slowly and carefully. Armoring up, assessing, planning, fortifying, defending, and attacking when/if necessary. This approach has not been one that has come naturally to me. Ten years ago I was forced to reconsider how I move through life and deal with adversity. The pruning process was SO painful. It was one of the most beautiful and most painful times of my life. Do most people experience something like this in their late 20s? It was INTENSE for me…but I’m also an intense person, so maybe the intensity needs to match the personality? I probably fought it with intensity too… A battle of wills 😬
When I was a child, I acted like a child. (1 Corinthians 13:11).
Not everyone has the same growth rate. There are lots of different reasons for this and as an adult, I have worked hard to adopt a less childish way of viewing all the facets, including the process of growth. I’m moving away from judging and condemning other adults’ growth rate and instead moving inward- evaluating my own growth needs and process and focusing that attention, energy, and reflection on myself. I’m not great at this, admittedly.
When we turn 18 in America the overarching message and ‘charge’ is “now you’re an adult’. The practicality of this transition is not always clear, linear, and does not always happen in an orderly fashion. This was especially the case for me. I did adult things while I was still a child. I got married, I moved into a house with my husband, had bills and work and responsibilities. We had two children before I turned 30. Was I legally an adult? Yes. Was my body an adult body? Yes. Was I emotionally, mentally, spiritually, relationally an adult? Not always… not even most of the time. We’re multifaceted people and many of my facets were cracked or covered in mud. Not blaming or shaming…it’s just facts…and these facts had/have consequences.
I think this is true for every 18-29+ year old in one facet or more. Are there any 25 year old people out there feeling like they have it all figured out?
So, here’s what I think happened. How this stronghold got its grip…
I aspire to be a faithful woman of God; to rest in His presence and trust that He will fight for me but to also to step into my Power and act and fight when I’m supposed to. Sometimes this feels like a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ process. Sometimes it feels like I’m leveling up every hour.
I know I will never be done growing and my resting place is knowing that if I remain teachable, open, honest, still, and humble that eventually God will reveal my path- whether to act or be still or some wonky version of both at the same time. My cognitive distortions cloud my discernment, that’s for sure.
I have messed up. A LOT. I fight when I’m supposed to rest, I rest when I’m supposed to act. I ignore when I’m supposed to listen…
On the spectrum of what I think is peace and justice, I tend to lean into the panic end of the spectrum and less into the avoidance end of the spectrum. I could be wrong about the Peace/Justice spectrum, but I think it looks like this….
I don’t know if a bell curve applies here but if it does, it would indicate that at least 50% of the time, on any issue, we should be resting in Peace and fighting for Justice? I’m not really sure how this breaks down, admittedly. Maybe there’s more than one spectrum going on here.
Anywho, my confession is that I tend to panic before I avoid. I also tend to act before I offer “thoughts and prayers”. I believe my propensity for action is one of my God given strengths. Unfortunately, as easy as it is for a thoughts and prayers kind of person to become avoidant or complacent, I too can move into panic and flailing, without much difficulty.
Obviously if I could will myself to hit the 50% mark 100% of the time, I totally would! My panic definitely seems to trigger those who avoid… and I think the opposite is true too. I think we can learn from each other and I want to. I’m ready to become more well-rounded (in demeanor, not physical shape haha)
I believe there is beauty to be found here, of course after I’m done flailing and having a temper tantrum 😅 I’m frustrated with myself because no matter how hard I try and beg and pray and plead, I am still plagued by this idiosyncrasy. It’s a thorn in my side. It drives people I love absolutely bonkers and I think ultimately pushes them to a place of anxiety and avoidance… leaving me to panic, alone.
As God pulled me into this unique state of suffering, pruning, whatever this now 7-weeks-of-spiritual-battle is, I have been asking Him to reveal to me what He is trying to teach me, change in me…. I know this is the process of leveling up but man…. I’m growing tired of the crash and burn.
Jesus promises that his ‘yoke’ is light and easy. I’m totally down for taking up any kind of yoke that is light and easy! Yes, please!!!
What am I doing wrong?
I’ve had a suspicion for a while that there may be something more going on here.
I grew up in a charismatic church. I was surrounded by teaching that focused on spiritual warfare and how to bind up and cast out demons and strongholds. I believe there may be a stronghold in or over my life and that might be why this problem keeps popping up all over the place. I am not avoidant, I’m introspective and introjective, so I try to stay on top of things like this. I don’t want to be the reason for my own suffering.
In the past 7 weeks, this stronghold seems to become more and more….strong.
I believe the stronghold might be anger…. Anger, contempt, unforgiveness, misunderstanding. There’s probably more and I would welcome other’s thoughts on this matter. I would also welcome a gentle naming or calling out of how you see me participating/strengthening this stronghold. I am very aware that my own anger, unforgiveness, misaligned introjections, pride, arrogance, and contempt plays a huge part in the strength of this stronghold. It is hard for me to consider different perspectives because I am so internally focused and have SO MANY THOUGHTS. Obviously, I don’t want to be this way. I want to see the truth and participate actively and willingly in this necessary growth. I want to be a sage, a calm meek soul….but that’s just not me haha….
This is me…. “these weirdos” lol
Another reason I’m writing and sharing is because I can’t hold other’s perspectives while I am full of mine. There doesn’t seem to be a deep enough well for all my thoughts, feelings, and pain. I’m really trying. Please trust that I have rebuked, surrendered, laid down my life, taken up my cross, forsaken myself, honored myself– I have tried every approach I could think of, learned, and was told to try. NOTHING WORKS! So, I’m trying this (public blog) because it’s what feels right for me. And, honestly, it’s working. Today anyway 🙂 It will probably change tomorrow cuz God likes to keep me on my toes. 😅
The point: I would love it if fellow believers could join me in praying that the Holy Spirit reveals this stronghold and resolution to me so I can cast it out in Jesus name and be done with this love and life and growth killer once and for all!!!
A few nights ago Bryce anointed me with oil and we prayed that the stronghold would be released in Jesus name. I am actually feeling a little lighter which is just positively AMAZING.
Would you be willing to join me in asking God to reveal the strongholds in and around my life and join me in binding them up and casting them out? I have been feeling the weight of captivity for too long. I’m weary. I want peace and joy and love and reconciliation.
1. AUTHORITY — Every believer has the right to use the authority of Jesus’ name to bind and take authority over Satan’s activities. “No one can enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man, and then he will plunder his house” (Mark 3:27). Issue a spoken command to the devil that he is bound and he must leave the stronghold! Exercising authority in the name of Jesus will expel the Devil’s influence. “And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues…” (Mark 16:17).
2. INTERCESSION — Come together with other believers to pray and intercede against strongholds until you get results. There is intensified power in the gathering of more believers. Prayer with fasting intensifies faith, and faith will break strongholds. “Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast him out? …However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:19,21).
3. DISPLACEMENT — Establish the presence of God. Where Satan has been commanded to leave, fill it up with God’s presence. Where the presence of the Lord is, the Devil isn’t! Satan doesn’t want to hang around where people are lifting up Jesus in worship, in singing and prayer. The presence of the Lord displaces the Devil. “For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).
4. RESISTANCE — Submit yourselves and draw close to God. The Bible says this is how we resist Satan and he will flee. The Devil runs from submitted, yielded Christians who pray, fast, worship and humble themselves to follow and obey God’s Word. “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
5. OCCUPATION — Give no place or vacancy to the Devil. With Satan departed, fill the void with God. Let righteousness be the standard rule and behavior. Provide no pocket of rebellion, corruption or immorality in which Satan can find refuge to rebuild his influence or strength. The scripture says to not “give place to the devil” (Eph. 4:27).
6. FORTIFICATION — Clothe yourself with God’s armor. Take upon you daily, the full array of God’s spiritual equipment that you may maintain battle-ready status. With the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit (God’s Word) and the other links of armor (Eph. 6:13-17), you will be ready to resist any satanic assault, and will be ready to engage the strongholds in others. “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11).
I am making one of my favorite treks across Pennsylvania today. Returning to one of my first homes… I made this drive hundreds of times in my youth. Today’s drive is extra special because it’s nearing the end of August and the sun, the air, just everything is reminding me that September is coming.
September. So much more than just being my birthday month, which I love my freaking birthday so much. Birthday, yes… but September just always seemed like it was finally time for life to be just be about me.
Someday soon I’m going to talk about the deeper why of why sharing my thoughts publicly has been really hard for me to do up until this point. For today though, this platform is my way of taking up space. This is my way of belonging to myself. This is my way of telling myself and the world that I matter, my voice matters, I’m owning my story so it doesn’t own me.
September has always been the month that I got to have at least one day that was about me. When you grow up with someone who robs every good moment with their selfishness and narcissism… It just… Sucks.
I suppose, if you know you know, you know? Ya know? Last September on my birthday we were at Magic Kingdom at Disney world. There was a rainbow over Disney that morning. It was an absolutely perfect day. A dream come true.
My mom and Grammy hand sewed the dress and shirt for me and my husband. I used fabric paint to paint the design. I was able to sneak them into the luggage and surprise my husband with them 🙂. Best. Day. Ever.
Not all that long ago I wouldn’t allow myself to have good things. I would deprive myself of things that I needed like new shoes, underwear, food… And then I would overindulge in other areas of my life to try to achieve what I now know is homeostasis. I’ll circle back around to this another time… But does anybody understand this? I would love to hear your story, too.
Today is a good day because I’m going to visit one of my first and best college friends. She and our little golden circle is responsible for helping me to grow into a human. This drive feels like I’m going home 🙂
Stay golden ❤️
I’m in a really vulnerable place right now. I am making big mistakes, choices that have the potential to destroy things that I really love and that I really want. In a way, it’s kind of like going to college and moving into your dorm room with people you don’t know and having to figure out life and learn a whole bunch of life shit and smart shit. It’s all compressed into a few short weeks before you move on to more classes with more information that you have to cram into your brain. This growth… it’s like I’m stretch Armstrong and you’re attaching my hands to your bicycle and my feet to your skateboard and my older and younger brothers are using me to ride and pull each other.
Did anybody ever stretch an Armstrong so far that he busted open? I’ve busted open a few times since June 27th… I’m sorry if you were on the receiving end of that explosion.
I’ve decided that I just need to keep growing. I need to dive head first into the wisdom and practices that I know to be true and helpful. Return to the basics. Prayer, meditation, Brene Brown lol.
So here’s the gift that I have for the world today… I’m sharing the hard-earned wisdom of our future’s revered Emotions sage genius of our time. She will be talked about in the same way we talk about Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Jesus, Einstein, Plato. She’s the one who always brings me back to myself, reminds me to be awkward, brave, and kind. She gave me permission and taught me how to own my story. She taught me that if I want to belong I first have to belong to myself. ❤️
Every day that I spend ‘in it’ (see ‘Garden State’ fireplace scene), more and more revelations come to me. I just realized this morning WHY I’m doing this– why I feel like I need to share my thoughts with the “world”.
I suppose there are many reasons why. Of course I had a ‘why’ prior to today, so I guess I should say, I discovered another facet of my why.
There are lots of reasons why I haven’t done this. ((see The Secret (releasing today at 1230) and Pearls Before Swine )). There are lots of reasons to keep everything to myself and/or a select few. Honestly, I think most people in my life, most people I really care about, would either straight out advocate for me to keep it all to myself or subtly imply that I shouldn’t share it. (see upcoming post– #MeToo)
It’s interesting that some people find people who wholeheartedly support their truth and process of revealing that truth. As I was listening to We Can Do Hard Things Podcast (you should seriously give it a listen…the most recent episode is on point!), someone shared that in their coming out process they had parents who were very supportive. They specifically stated, “I’m very lucky”. Everyone talking reflected how special this is- to have people in your life who see your light and not only let you shine, but encourage you to shine… (even if they get burned or blinded by the light in the process).
Not everyone is this lucky. Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of people in my life who, I truly believe, want to see me. If you know me and you’re here reading this, you are one of those people and I AM SO GRATEFUL. You haven’t failed me… I’m not angry with you or doing this out of spite or as a way to punish you. I’m hedging right now because I’m so sensitive to other people’s feelings, fears, anxiety, hang ups etc. Sadly, I’ve squashed myself to make you comfortable. That my friends is called Codependency. This topic alone deserves its own podcast…oh wait, there is one … you’re welcome 🙂
Part of this healing journey is moving out of codependency and into interdependence (not independence). Those who have depended on my codependency are likely the most anxious about this blog. Of course you are. My silence has kept your peace.
Five years of silence and ten years of forsaking myself for the sake of others has damn near killed me. I’m so worn out that since July 19th I can’t DO ANYTHING but write. I can’t not do this, friends. Unless you want me to die. For TEN years I’ve been slowly, painfully killing my soul and up until a few weeks ago, I was floating off into oblivion.
Which brings me to my newest ‘why’ facet.
For this, another analogy… or two.
Okay so, you know Frozen, right? Elsa has magic powers that no one knows about or understands. So she is believed to be dangerous and forced to stay locked in her room by her well-intentioned father. She then reveals her powers, oops, and finds a few people who love her for her and yay, the end.
Frozen 2… Elsa still feels out of place…alone… no one gets her. She hears a voice which leads her to her people, her “tribe”. She goes on a journey to “Show yourself
Step into the power
Grow yourself
Into something new
You are the one you’ve been waiting for
All of your life”
This blog is me acknowledging that I’ve been locked in my room, alone. No one knows the depth of pain I’ve suffered. No one knows how much I’ve cried and wanted to die. (Except for Bryce…Bryce mostly knows.) Still, staying locked in my room has made my powers stronger. It’s tempting to go build my own ice palace and live alone with a giant snow monster. The cold never bothered me anyway.
Thank God for the Annas in my life that want me to come home. You are an act of True Love.
This blog, this public process, this is me, stepping into my power, growing myself. I’ve waited for my tribe to find me, help me grow or grow with me.
Maybe I need to ‘show myself’ so we all can grow, so we can all step into our own power and grow something new.
The movie ends beautifully by Elsa giving up her role as queen and living in the magical forest with her tribe. She’s not alone anymore. She is found.
The truth is, I have been stuffing the truth so long that when it was activated it almost killed me (see Elsa: ice powers). I’m “coming out” (see: Let It Go ). There are people who are genuinely concerned and want to understand (see: Anna). There are people who don’t understand and have Village Anxiety and/or want me to STFU (see: Duke of “Weasel Town” 😂 ). Like Elsa, I’ve been silenced for years. I’ve locked away my truth, my light, my hope for the sake of people I love. Coronation day was June 27th 2022. I built my icy palace and thawed myself faster than the time it took to come out with Frozen 2….thank God!
I know this process makes you uncomfortable. I love you so I don’t want to be the source of your discomfort. Catch 22, rock and a hard place, conundrum………..
But I love myself MORE.
Five years of silence and ten years of holding it all in has made me very very very uncomfortable. We can both be a little uncomfortable and move through it or one of us gets to be set free while the other is held captive. I spent my time in captivity. I did my time. You did your time too! Let’s go through this together. Be my Anna, my Kristoff, my Olaf and Sven. Let’s tame and ride this Nokk into Ahtohallan and find the truth and grow something new ❤
Sometimes music says it better than I can
I was a-ready to die for you, baby Doesn’t mean I’m ready to stay What good is livin’ a life you’ve been given If all you do is stand in one place?
Stay tuned for ‘why’ analogy #2– Stranger Things
Honest, Kind. Shine.
Update!:
Okay I found this and omg it’s great! I think they do a better job at explaining the whole analogy than I do. Enjoy ❤
Keturah Mae Shine 
