For almost two decades, I was married to someone I loved. We had a beautiful family, a stable life, and a strong friendship. By most people’s standards, it was a good relationship—safe, supportive, kind. He was a good man. We shared joy, laughter, lots of life, vacations, sweet moments with our children, and a deep respect for each other.
But here’s what I didn’t understand back then: You can love someone with your whole heart… and still not be in the right frequency for your soul. You can build a whole life with someone… and still not be in alignment.
Because what I had wasn’t bad—it just wasn’t mine.
I had already met my Twin Flame while I was still married. And what that connection awakened in me was something I didn’t even know I had been missing: a level of intimacy, spiritual recognition, and divine truth that shook me to my core. He once gave me a song with the lyric: “I never knew I had a dream until that dream was you.” And that’s exactly what it felt like.
Until that moment, I didn’t even know I had a hunger for that kind of transcendent love. And once that part of me woke up, I couldn’t go back to sleep.
But I tried. God knows I tried.
For ten years, I pushed myself to make my marriage work. I tried to restore it, fix it, prove my love- to him, to myself, to everyone- through what I now know was guilt and obligation. I told myself I owed it to my kids. To him. To God. I forced myself to be present when my soul was crying. And that constant self-betrayal created deep, long-lasting trauma.
Because here’s what they don’t tell you: Being in a relationship that isn’t your true vibrational match will wear down your soul.
Me in 2017… hiding behind heartbreak
Even if it looks good on the outside. Even if there’s love there.
It’s not about blame. My ex wasn’t abusive. He didn’t try to trap me or control me. In fact, he told me more than once that he never wanted me to fake it. But the truth is—I did. I faked it because I didn’t feel like I had a way out. I faked it because I thought love was supposed to look like sacrifice.
Even now, years after our divorce, my nervous system is still healing. That’s how deep the pattern of self-abandonment ran. That’s how much I tried to contort myself into a relationship that didn’t fit.
I used to think that if someone was kind and stable and loving, that should be enough. But I’ve learned something sacred through my healing: Safe doesn’t mean aligned. And love alone doesn’t mean union.
If you’re constantly having to explain yourself… If you feel like your partner just doesn’t get you, no matter how you try to translate… If you’re always tiptoeing around your truth, your light, your sensitivity… If you’re not even sure you can speak certain feelings out loud without being shut down…
Then you’re probably not tuned to the same frequency. And that dissonance, over time, becomes unbearable.
They’re not a bad person. They’re not unloving or uncaring. They’re just not your person.
Different radio stations aren’t evil—they’re just not playing the same genre. And you don’t have to keep screaming into static and calling it love.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE 🌟
Great news. You don’t have to settle.
Your Twin Flame is the one whose soul mirrors yours exactly. They’re not “good enough”—they’re you. They meet you on the frequency of your truth. They challenge your illusions. They help you ascend—not through force, but through presence. And it’s a whole different world.
So if you’re reading this and wondering why your “perfectly good” relationship still leaves you empty, confused, or unseen… I want you to know you’re not crazy. You’re not ungrateful. You’re not asking for too much. You’re just starting to tune into the truth. ⛓️💥
If you can’t spread your wings around someone… how can you ever truly fly? 🪽
Keep choosing you. Keep returning to your frequency. Keep pouring love on the places you once abandoned. And trust—you’re not meant to settle. You’re meant to soar. 🕊️
It’s been about 180 days since I started on my intentional ascension path. (I say intentional because I think I always have been, we all are. Just now, I’m CHOOSING it).
When I started, I didn’t even know what ascension meant. I mean, I know what the word means. But I didn’t know what it meant for me.
I write about this here. But, more important is today.
This is a healing journey first and foremost. I am a healer. I’ve always been a healer. I love people and I want to share the truth because I want people to be set free.
I matter 🦋
In the spring of 2014, almost a year after I was fired from my favorite job working with my favorite person, I was prophesized over. While praying in a small group at a women’s retreat, my friend’s friend, Carol, who I had never met, began singing in tongues. My friend Gina, translated. Carol kept saying “healer, counselor, healer”. When we finished praying (and crying), Gina said that God was calling me to become a counselor.
Me… 😳🥹
Less than a month later Liberty University called me saying they received an inquiry from me (I didn’t submit an inquiry 😅). I hadn’t told anyone I was considering going back to school. It was like a teeny tiny idea. But, they had me on the phone, we talked about my vision for the world, and they said “you’d be a perfect fit for our marriage and family therapy program”. Three months later I started my master’s program at Liberty University.
I was in a LOT of emotional pain back then. I knew I was called to do MORE with my life, but I didn’t know what, how, or when. God knew though. God made a way.
He always makes a way.
My 3.5 year master’s journey was also a self healing journey. All that healing took me out of our shabby home on an off ramp and brought me to the rural suburbs. My vibration increased as I healed and I attracted wealth. Not just money. But a priceless relationship – with my supervisor who is a sage of his own kind (and very very much reminds me of my spiritual teacher and my twin flame ❤️🔥). I attracted a neighborhood that is peaceful and safe. I also attracted A LOT of clients on the same journey as me. They made me the therapist I am today and I’m forever grateful 🥰
The purpose of ascension is to heal the consciousness and “ascend” closer to God and all that God is. You can achieve some levels of higher vibration without really knowing you’re doing it just by pursuing more. God’s wealth and abundance are limitless and if you desire more, you can remove the blocks to achieve whatever you want. This is what the “overnight success” story is… The intentional purification of your consciousness to align with your desires. Believing you deserve more and allowing yourself to receive it. 🦋
You and God are ONE. If you have a desire it’s because God gave it to you. (You have to think about this deeply, not surface-ly, God is not a vicious careless uncompassionate God).
This is why I was able to achieve what I did. Because I purified parts of my consciousness which drew me closer to God and this manifested in the 3D as new home, new town, new relationships, new opportunities.
But I held on to old parts which kept me conflicted, strained, stressed, depressed, small. And repeating some of the same patterns.
This applies to all relationships 💕
I’m now ascending ON PURPOSE. Which is a much more intense journey – the pruning and perfecting can be painful at times, especially when I resist feeling my feelings and letting go of old patterns.
In the past 180 days I’ve been intentionally purging my consciousness of everything that is out of alignment with God.
The most important part of this process is to understand Who God Is and let go of every belief and idea that isn’t God. I had a LOT of misaligned beliefs about God.. lots of rotten fruit to be shaken out of my tree so I could begin to bear more fruit.
This is the process of ascension, of making a full 180. You can do it too! We all belong in God’s kingdom. He has a very special plan and process for you, too 💖
I’ve been doing this work for 6 months and it’s time to fully release all the gunk and embrace all the good. Worthiness and unforgiveness kept me stuck in the old and as a result I was experiencing a LOT of contrast and negativity. Basically, the universe was screaming at me… LET IT GO KITTY!!!
I thought “let it go” meant let go of everything I want. Nope. It doesn’t. I’m done believing that lie.
Let it go means…
Let go of scarcity, poverty, lack.
Let go of guilt, shame, and condemnation.
Let go of self punishment.
Let go of powerlessness and smallness.
Let go of weakness, depression, sadness, anxiety, and worry.
Let go of my trauma story; let go of feeling unlovable.
Let go of willfulness, trying, pining, chasing, controlling.
Let go of emotional chaos and emotional immaturity, explosiveness, demandingness, emotional intensity.
Let go of provoking and passive aggressiveness and anger.
Let go of these immature patterns that aren’t serving me. These patterns are not of God. And now that I’m pursuing God with my whole heart, there’s no room for these things. If I try to hold on to them, even subconsciously, God will not allow it and I will experience negative consequences- and I have! This is God’s way of loving me, loving us.
Heaven on earth has boundaries, too. ❤️🔥
I’m still healing but I’ve made HUGE strides because of the healing, learning, and growing I’ve done in my ascension school and with my ascension coach at Twin Flames Universe.
Side note – if you still think it’s a cult or you think I can’t discern properly lol, that’s your own stuff and I encourage you to work through it using the mirror exercise AND read their media statement. That’s all I’m going to say about that because entertaining fear and doubt isn’t a game I’m playing anymore 🕊️ I’m intelligent, discerning, and very protective of my heart, mind, time, and resources. I had to work through doubt and fear too and stop projecting it onto other people ❤️ it’s safe to trust Love.
So, with that said! ❤️🔥🔥💖🥳🎉🎊🥂
And it’s time to celebrate my success. It’s time to celebrate my 180! 🦋
Through the help of my teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, my coach Michaila, my MAP practitioner Christie, the TFU community, and my ascension buddies, I have successfully…
Healed Complex PTSD and childhood sexual abuse trauma. Yes, it’s healed. 🦋
Divorced, grieved, and now live in peace with my exhusband. We coparent beautifully and naturally. We respect each other and coexist as friendly Divine children of God. 🦋
Made over 7k since January by purging unneeded items. I did this by valuing myself and thus, this energy went into my things. I see myself as valuable thus my stuff is valued 🦋
Unenmeshed myself emotionally and financially from my ex and I now manage my own finances. I am working on getting my own loans, housing, health insurance, etc. I am becoming an adult. This is probably one of the most humbling things to admit. I was completely dependent on Bryce. Towards the end I couldn’t make any decisions on my own. I didn’t even like to make a phone call. I now have freedom, my own resources, and 50% of weekends to myself to do what I want. If you’re a mom, you get how valuable this time is. Divorce has been an incredible gift! 🦋
I have restored multiple strained/estranged relationships. I’ve even talked to my dad a few times (we didn’t speak for 10 years). I don’t desire a close relationship with him because he’s not safe, but I feel at peace with our relationship. This is true for all my relationships, actually. I’ve completely lost contact with a few that were not healthy, I’ve established inner boundaries with ones I desire to keep in contact with, and I’ve acquired a whole community of unconditionally loving friends and people who truly want the best for me, who are also pursuing God with their whole heart. This is a very big deal to me. I’ve always wanted this. 🦋
And lastly, but not leastly, I’m healing my relationship with God, Jesus, and the church. 6 months ago I had a LOT of hurt and anger towards the church. I’ve felt my feelings and released the pain and upset. I understand that people only give what they know and understand. No one intentionally tried to hurt me. We all have a responsibility to “be above reproach” but most don’t really know what that means. And that’s okay. That’s their journey. They can only harm me if I allow them, and I did. And now, I’m not. I choose to see everyone as a divine child of God, on their own journey to Love. 🦋
I now understand that I am One with God. I am not separate from him. 🦋
I own all of my feelings and upsets. I’ve stopped projecting onto other people, I’ve stopped blaming others for my suffering. I’m responsible for my healing.
🦋
And, I’ve healed and continue to heal communication. My twin flame and I are not in communication and won’t be in physical communication as long as I’m harboring unforgiveness, anger, and acting from a place of emotional immaturity and explosiveness. I’ve healed and I’m healing passive aggressiveness, manipulation, coercion, willfulness, and the pattern where I provoke, control, demand, and become vitriolic. This is humbling to admit but it’s the truth. In my deepest darkest parts and pain, I have not been very loving or kind. I was this way to others because I was this way to myself. I choose to forgive myself, surrender this toxic pattern, and communicate with myself and others from a place of compassion, gentleness, grace, and Love.
I am no longer unloving to myself. Feels pretty good 🥰🦋
Scripture says over and over that we are forgiven. This is not something we will experience in heaven. We are already IN heaven if we choose to be. You get to choose whether you experience heaven or hell, right now.
I choose heaven. I am free. I am forgiven. I am a new creation! 🦋
I’m able to make a 180 because I realize now that I am in complete control of my life, my self. No one’s going to do it for me or even with me. I have lots and lots of support but because I’ve called in all of Me, my Divine Self, NO ONE is going to or has enabled me to stay small.
For this, I am eternally grateful.
Amen amen amen. I choose this. 🦋
Thank you for journeying with me. I’ve only just begun! 🦋
I needed to take a break and get clear on some things.
I received the best gift on valentines day, a completely unexpected look in the mirror. 🌹
This helped me to reconsider some ways I was thinking about myself and my life… It challenged me to grow in ways that I wasn’t expecting. That’s what a twin flame is first… Your teacher ❤️🔥
I started my twin flame ascension journey in October. A significant part of this journey is education through awareness, which is imparted to me by my spiritual teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, and their students in recorded classes called Twin Flame Ascension School (TFAS) through Twin Flames Universe . (Shameless plug- hands down the best investment I’ve EVER made… And I don’t even “talk” to my twin flame!!!!!!!!! 🌹❤️🔥🌹). More on this another day 🥰
When I took the leap of faith into this twin flame community I had no idea!!!! it was an ascension journey. I just was DESPERATE to understand our relationship and the unique struggles we were having. NONE of my MFT training, biblical understanding, or life experience made ‘us’ make sense.
I. was. desperate.
In October I didn’t really even know what ascension was other than knowing that Jesus ascended and I think two others in the old testament did too. But the stories I was told were that they were on earth one moment and gone the next.
Growing up in a charismatic church, I was no stranger to the concept of rapture. As a child I can remember having thoughts and questions about rapture and the end times that no one really seemed to know how to answer.
I carried these thoughts and questions into adulthood and anytime I felt remotely comfortable in a religious space I’d poke around and start asking questions. Long story short, I never received satisfying answers. I began to just file rapture and end times under the “lean not on your own understanding” label.
But still… It stuck with me.
It stuck with me so much that 6-8 years ago or so… I thought rapture happened while I was at a women’s retreat! I’m serious!!! I woke up in the middle of the night to what sounded like an orchestra of trumpets!!! I jumped up, looked out the window, expecting to see Jesus rolling out of the clouds… He wasn’t.
I was a kid in the 90s and remember the day our local Christian radio station came on the air- WGRC. And that’s all we listened to. Christian music. So, naturally, there are a few old school songs that have stuck with me… Here’s a fav of mine, I still sing it almost every day!
So the lyrics are “behold he comes, riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, at the trumpets call”
I’m not sure if I got the idea of rapture from this song, from scripture or sermon, or from Kirk Cameron… But it is carved into my consciousness… Jesus is coming when the trumpets sound!!!!
(Funny side note …. I had posted a video of a recording in Spain or somewhere, also about 6-8 years ago, of a weird anomaly where the wind was blowing through this city in such a way that it was causing a loud trumpet sound! The video was sooo cool. I posted it with those Twila lyrics and a friend commented and said “trumpets or Trump-Pence?” 😱😳🤯 Needless to say, Jesus did not come rolling out of the clouds at the Trump-Pence call… But, it’s thought provoking, ay?)
There’s also this really cool scene in The Chosen, season 2 special episode where Mary is giving birth and Joseph looks out the window and the sky!!!!! OMG!!!! It’s glorious. A must watch series and brace yourself for this episode… So good.
I digress. So, I’m at this Christian women’s retreat, at a Mennonite Retreat Center, I mean, it’s just pure and perfect AF, and I wake up to this MASSIVE trumpet sound. I’m not talking about one trumpet. I’m talking like 12 days of Christmas trumpets, at least!!!! 🤣
So, nothing’s going on outside. Just stars and moon. I look over to my prayer warrior, spiritual mentor, for-sure-going-to-heaven friend, Gina… She’s asleep. I make sure her body is there and that she’s breathing because Left Behind got me all anxious worried I could mistake her just clothes for her body.
Okay so, she’s still there… But asleep. And I begin to wonder if I’m losing it. I’m too afraid and ashamed to go out of my room so I just crawl back into bed and pray myself back to sleep.
So next morning, everyone’s still there! Rapture indeed did not happen!
We go to breakfast and I start telling people my story, while laughing of course… I mean… I thought rapture happened. Some are hysterical, some look at me like I’m cray, I’m no stranger to embarrassment.
WELL PTL, one of the sweet Mennonite women heard me and while serving me breakfast said that this happens from time to time and I’m not the only one who’s heard it!
She tells me that it’s something about the way the wind blows through the (indoor) hallway, hits the storage of metal folding chairs, and makes a trumpet sound. Whew. I’m not losing my mind. LOL. Funny story.
So, this brings me back to my weird interest in rapture… The only word and reference I had for ascension.
Rapture was a mostly scary idea to me, even as a 33 year old. I think the Left Behind series messed a lot of us up 😳😬 thanks Kirk 😂
So, I suppose it’s a good thing that I didn’t know the twin flame thing I was getting into was a “rapture” journey because I might have been like ummmm no thanks, I’ll stay here with everyone else lol
So just in case you are like me and don’t know… Rapture and ascension? Not the same thing 🤣
So, now that I’ve been on this incredible journey for 5+ months, I now have a very deep understanding of this work and ascension. I feel like I can speak more confidently about it, about twin flames, and absolutely say with 100% certainty that this is a true spiritual journey into Christ consciousness and spiritual mastery.
I had no idea. But God did. And he heard my desperate cries for help and my heart and mind were/are open enough that he knew he could give me this work and I wouldn’t squander it.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
In February I had just begun my trauma healing through Mind Alignment Process and I was in major upheaval. I talk about upheaval here, but I’ll probably circle back around as I’m now in my 10th week and I have gained such a huge understanding of well… A lot 🥰
It’s 4am and I should probably sleep… But here’s my plan….
There are three points I want to cover, or questions I want to answer, as I make my return-to-blogging debut.
1. What is ascension and what do twin flames have to do with it?
2. What I learned from looking in the mirror. 🪞
3. Why are some of my posts now password protected???
I’m going to write on these things over the next couple days. Until then, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with me through the long haul 😘 it’s been 163 days since I began this internal journey and I’ve healed my childhood sexual abuse trauma, abandonment/attachment trauma, and I’m clearing codependency, fear, doubt, scarcity, and separation from my vibration.
It’s a freaking miracle. I’ve experienced a miracle.
Thank you God. Thank you Jeff&Shaleia, thank you to my coach and practitioner, and so many thanks to my ascension buddies. I couldn’t do this without this support. GOD IS SO GOOD y’all! And this is why I write. Because I want to give you the gift of love and healing that has been given to me 🥰
I’m becoming a new creation. Just like Jesus promised 🥰❤️🔥🥰
Something I’m learning on my spiritual journey is that only love is real. Only Unconditional Love exists. So… anything that doesn’t align with that is an illusion. Hurt, pain, sickness, death, fear, anger, judgement, etc etc etc… It’s all an illusion. Of course you can experience the illusion of these things. But this is why some people don’t get sick or don’t have the same fears. Because it’s not real. It’s why LOVE CONQUERS ALL. Because IT IS REAL.
This is why Jesus could heal and walk on water and ascended. Because he tore the veil between truth and lies. Between reality and illusion.
The church I grew up in (not the building but the theology) taught me that God is angry, judging me, and that I’m a deplorable sinner. That I must “carry my cross” and accept the “thorn in my side”. Even recently a pastor said to me that marriage is something we must “burden under”!!!
Wait… What?!?!?!
If God is love and God made me and God is perfect and can only make perfect things (right?!?!) Then I am perfect. I get the whole “fallen world” bit. Jesus paid it all so we wouldn’t have to suffer. So we wouldn’t have to be burdened. That’s the gift!!!! What’s the point of Jesus if we still live burdened or in captivity to our sin??? Did he pay it all or not? Is God perfect or not? Am I made in his image or not? A good God would not “burden” his children with marriage. That’s nonsense.
Jesus paid it all. Grace is free. We’re free. It wasn’t an affair. I was, it IS, LOVE 😘
I want to share a little story about how God’s grace really showed up during this 10-year journey since I met my twin flame.
After my twin flame and I met and ‘happened’ my pastor and therapist called it an affair and demonized us. No one would listen. I didn’t understand so I couldn’t make anyone else understand. I had so much guilt and shame over our connection and our love for each other and how that was expressed in the physical. It was beautiful and horrible. I felt so alive and so terrible. I was so in love and couldn’t have him.
If you’ve been here and have a conscience, you get it. I went on a 3-year journey of trying to understand how and why I found myself in an “affair”… It was SO out of character for me. During that time, God really revealed to me the true meaning of grace, which even though I grew up as a Bible thumping evangelical Christian, I had no idea what grace was until then. I did a lot of healing and God really showed up with so much love for me. Grace became my life source.
Today I was listening to the song Flawless by MercyMe and was reminded of a really sweet gift.
About 8 years ago, I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. During the pregnancy, this song, Flawless, was on the radio A LOT. I love singing it, it’s such a great song 💓
Every time it would get to the lyrics “Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”, I would be overwhelmed with emotion and the baby would start kicking and fluttering about.
I felt like angels were singing over me. 🥰
Fast forward to the day my daughter was born. We didn’t have a name picked out for her. All I knew was that her middle name would be Grace.
She was born on her great-grandfather’s birthday so we chose to name her Anna after his mother, her great great grandmother. About 12 hours after she was born, my mom asked ” What does the name Anna mean?” I didn’t know because we hadn’t considered it for her first name so we looked it up…
Well… It means Grace. 💫
Yeah, her name is Grace Grace! 😂😍💓
The first night we spent together she woke up to nurse and Flawless was playing in my head. At that moment God’s grace and love washed over me. I realized that God knew all along that her name would be “Grace Grace” and that’s why those lyrics filled me with so much emotion!
“Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”.
Back then I thought my daughter was a gift from God as part of my redemption story. It was my “reward” for choosing my marriage and doing everything that I could to heal from my “affair” and rebuild the marriage. I thought God showed me grace by giving me a perfect daughter because I made the “right” choice…
I no longer believe that. I do believe she is a gift of grace, but not because I earned her.
God loves me so he’s going to bless me no matter what. God loves me no matter what. There is no condemnation! There is NO SIN. It’s an ILLUSION.
It wasn’t an affair. We didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t hurt anyone. We didn’t hurt each other. I don’t have the power to hurt someone. We are eternal beings, made in God’s image. We can only experience the illusion of “hurt”. This is why when we THINK differently, we can make that pain go away.
I now KNOW that what happened between me and my twin was NOT an affair. In fact, I believe that I had an affair with my ex-husband! My spiritual teachers teach that having sex with anyone but your twin flame is like having sex with a sibling! Well, this made that whole relationship make sense….. 💀😂😅 I believe this truth is one of the HUGE reasons many couples don’t enjoy or stop enjoying intimacy/sex in relationships/marriage. Because hormones and the high only lasts so long. And your soul KNOWS you’re being intimate with a sibling 🤢
But the passion and romance between twins never fades. It’s why I still have feelings and desires ten years later! (And we didn’t even speak for the last 5 years!)
Twin Flame love is MAGIC ❤️🔥
I was married for 4 years when I met my twin (11 years ago). Even though I was already married to someone else, I always felt like I was betraying my twin, betraying us, by being in my marriage and doing married… things. I didn’t understand this because I thought I should have guilt because I was married and feeling desire for someone else. I didn’t have any guilt about my feelings about him until the “church” piled it on.
I never enjoyed doing married things. I’d pull away from touch, from hugs and kisses… I never initiated sex. I was irritable, annoyed, suicidal, in constant pain, lackluster, and just downright miserable. I thought something was wrong. with. me. Nothing I did made it better. And I TRIED.
I now understand that God gave me a living gift of Grace to show me how innocent and worthy of Love I am. I’m worthy of all my Good. I’m worthy of a marriage that is passionate and reciprocal and always growing, never stagnant. The ONLY relationship this is always possible with is your twin flame.
It’s not woowoo. It’s science. It works the same for EVERY twin flame. A method. A process. It’s God. You must have a close, intimate, safe, very personal relationship with God before you can be in Harmony with your twin.
My exhusband and I are smart, kind, committed, selfless, spiritual and loving people!!!!! We tried and tried. We used every resource, every method to heal and grow our relationship. It didn’t work because we’re not twin flames. It was destined to fail. And it did. When we made the decision to end it it fell apart, no problem. No drama.
My daughter is 7 now and the other day she said, unprompted, “I’m okay with you loving (my TF) because I already know him”. She was not even one the last time she saw him.
Her soul knows. My kids love him because HE IS ME!!! No introduction needed. No need to get to know him. If you know me, you already know him. 🥰
Final thoughts…
I don’t know if anyone else has boat loads of religious indoctrination and trauma, but, I want to confidently say that YOU ARE FLAWLESS.
You are perfect 💖
God’s Grace covers all.
And if you and your TF had an affair, I want to say —
IT WASN’T AN AFFAIR!!! 💥
There was always a grander, more beautiful, incredibly loving plan and reason for why he and I happened when we did. God is still revealing this to me, but I absolutely believe now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t an affair. It was love, it IS love, and God is love. I’m free from all guilt, shame, and condemnation!
Because of grace, grace, God’s grace ❤️🔥
I’m so thankful for this journey, so thankful for my coach and spiritual teachers, I’m so thankful for my community. I’m finally home ❤️
As I wake up and shake off the dust, I’m finding myself again. I’m remembering who I am.
I’m finding my light.
I’ve written a lot about why I am the way I am, or, the way I was. Or, who I’m unbecoming. I do this because I never did. Write about it, that is. Or talk about it for that matter.
One of my core upsets is feeling misunderstood or unheard.
Silence has tortured me so much of my life. You want to punish me? Just stop talking to me. Pretend like I don’t exist. Anyone else feel this?
Ironically, God gave me an exhusband who stonewalled me for the majority of 15 years, a father who didn’t talk to me for ten years, family that never asks meaningful questions or listens deeply, friends who thought I was fine when I definitely wasn’t fine, a friend of 30 years who didn’t speak to me for the last two, and a Love, my twin…who didn’t speak to me for five long horrible years.
Thanks to the mirror exercise, I now understand why everyone is silent. I now understand why I’ve suffered SO MUCH.
Because…. for most of my life… I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t hear myself. I didn’t talk to myself. I didn’t understand myself.
I didn’t listen to myself when my insides screamed “run away!” and I laid there, paralyzed. I didn’t listen to myself when my soul wanted to end my marriage ten years ago but I chose to listen to everyone else, my mind, my fear, my ego instead. I didn’t listen to myself…the part of me who was SO IN LOVE with another man…I didn’t listen to her. I silenced her. I denied her. I tried to forget her. I tried to kill her in my mind. I tried to kill my soul.
I didn’t understand myself when I was a silenced kid carrying the weight of the world and didn’t know what to do with it or understand why. Why. Why. I didn’t hear myself crying out for help after every flashback and every nightmare. I didn’t understand myself and why I wanted to die…I didn’t listen to myself. I kept misunderstanding myself. I kept running from myself. I stonewalled myself.
So OF COURSE I would attract more and more situations and people who would keep misunderstanding me. OF COURSE I would keep trying to get people OUTSIDE of me to listen to me… But FAIL and FLAIL because I wasn’t listening to MYSELF.
This feeling of being misunderstood grew and grew especially over the past 5 years or so. God is good and I finally understand why. Because I continued to bury my heart, my truth, my self deeper and deeper. Every day for five years I denied her. I shut her up and I shut her down.
But, she still cried out, “See me, hear me!!!”.
But I buried myself alive.
I could blame everyone else. I want to. I have. You’ve read it. I’ve tried. But no one has shown up on my doorstep and apologized. Even if they did, I’m not even sure it would heal me at the depths of which I feel that pain.
So I write. Because I can. Because I know I’m not the only one. And because I NEED to.
I have 39 years of jumbled up thoughts and pain. Ten years of completely denying myself. A lifetime of completely denying myself of good, of Love.
It’s all coming out now. At first, it wasn’t pretty. I was full of anxiety and panic and desperation. Imagine being buried alive and then one day God takes a shovel and breaks the ground and says “wake up! Come out!”
Writing this now makes me realize that I had my Lazarus moment…. “Lazarus! Come forth!”
“Keturah! Wake up!!!!”
So there she is, my soul, buried six feet under. For the first time in ten years she’s seeing day light again.
My rescue felt like clawing my way out from six feet of packed in dirt. Like tens of thousands of feet had walked on me. It wasn’t pretty. He said I was flailing. Well….I think you might flail too if you realized you were buried alive.
So, I write. I write because I never spoke. Did I say words? Of course I did. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the tendency to be verbose. Especially when I’m anxious. Or when I’m flailing. Or when I’m trying to just survive.
My life is interesting in that the very thing that sets me free is the very thing that hurt me.
My dad is a writer. And an artist. He’s very talented, one of those starving artist and tortured types… Alone, poor, full of dreams but little manifestation. I refused to let that be me. So in my dead days (buried alive) I lost all interest in creating. I didn’t paint. I didn’t draw. I lost my spark. I became lackluster. I never wrote ever, so this is a new creative endeavor for me. And this is why…
All I remember of my dad from my childhood are his aspirations to be an author. He wrote prolifically. He drew pictures to accompany his writing. He was devoted, I’ll give him that. But if you read my earlier posts, you’ll remember that my dad was less than kind to me. And often, that abuse involved his writing.
And because of that, I refuse to become my dad. I refused to write.
The problem is, if I don’t create, I still become him… Full of dreams and no manifestation.
So, when I woke up, I chose to heal it instead continuing to be a victim to it. I healed it by just choosing to do it. For me. To become ME. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I love hearing from people who do read it! But, because I felt forced to stay silent, and then forced myself to stay silent, my noise is now SO LOUD. My healing victory is claiming this for myself and trusting that God will put it in the path of those who need to read it.
When I decided to start a blog, I was terrified. I knew I had a secret and I knew I was supposed to tell it. Torn between doing what’s best for me and what everyone else wants, I was brought to my knees. God said to my soul… They need to hear it. They will read it.
Who is they? I’m still finding out. People come out.of.the.woods. to tell me how much this resonates. How they read me telling their story. Good. I’m glad ❤️. Thankfully, I don’t need validation anymore. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m good or that I’m okay or that I’m making good decisions. I just CHOOSE to believe the God in me who says, “you’re perfect. It’s perfect. Your heart is beautiful. Shine your light baby girl. Say what you need to say”. So, if you’re reading and it helps you, Thank God. Because he told me to. I just listened. Thankfully, it helps me too ❤️🔥
So I guess I’m a writer. This is part of who I am now. This is how I choose to heal. And I’ll keep healing. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep digging up the dirt, keep digging out of my grave, until I find all my light, all my good, and all my treasure. ❤️🔥
Ugh like all things, I struggle to just SAY IT. I was on the fence about writing, or when I would. But a dear sweet friend of mine from way back in highschool (middle school but we weren’t friends… Yet!!!) sent me this shirt and the affirming message with it…
I hold back because I worry about everyone’s feelings, even my twin flame’s feelings… I don’t want to upset anyone or worse …upset myself lol! I worry worry worry and as a result I keep my mouth shut. 39 years of doing this has proven that it’s NOT working. I wanted to DIE being quiet. (Really it was just my truth wanted the silenced part of me to die, I didn’t literally want to die … just want to make that clear 😅)
This journey is SAVING MY LIFE. It’s bringing me back to life. It’s breathing life back into these dry bones. Like the lyrics from our song…
“You pick me up when I fall down You ring the bell before they count me out If I was drowning you would part the sea And risk your own life to rescue me”
I thought I needed my twin to rescue me but nope. It was God. He left the 99 and came after me… Stranded on the edge of a cliff, about to fall off 😅
Look at me… The G.O.A.T. 😂🔥
He caught me flying, flailing, desperately screaming and plopped me right in Twin Flame Ascension school.
I’m SO GRATEFUL!!!
This is my journey back to God, into a deeper more meaningful, whole, trusting relationship and why would I not share that?!
Also, say it with me…
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE’S FEELINGS!
Just mine.
Just me.
That’s all I’m responding for.
So if this upsets you, take it to God. And do the mirror exercise. Claim your healing and claim your good. That’s what God really wants for us ❤️
Soooo, stay tuned! I’m gonna share all the beautiful details of my incredible twin flame journey 🔥🔥
Oh, and adding a new signature in honor of my beautiful twin 🥰
Honest. Kind. Shine.
XxOoXXo. (Said with the voice of jack black from nacho libre.. Big hug…little hug…Big kiss…little kiss…two Big hugs…little kiss.)
My senior year of college, I made this art piece to represent the word “joy”.
While I think it’s a fair representation of the word, I think a better word fits…
Resiliency.
I’m only now connecting this word to this creation.
Only now after fully liberating myself.
Bryce and I had been dating 3 years at the time I created this (2006). We were already engaged to be married the following April. My whole undergraduate experience in school for art therapy allowed me to, gave me the space to, creatively and artistically express our evolving relationship.
Now, almost 20 years later, I look at this art piece (and other similar ones I’ve created since…) And I’m realizing a few things….
This heart is not healed.
This heart is wrapped in wire (representing chains), has holes punctured in and through it.
It’s wrapped in plaster of paris, which if you’ve ever used, you know that shit is hard as rock.
It’s also a box. A box that I wrapped over and over again so that it could never be opened.
Then, on top of it all, I gave it away. I left it in My Father’s House.
I didn’t even want to keep my “joy”.
I never realized all the symbolism until now…and how incredibly telling and foreshadowing it is.
When I made this art piece I had Bryce in mind. Nineteen years ago I fell head over heels for him, and not even two months into my first adult romantic relationship I was planning marriage and forever. That’s all I ever wanted. Something that would last and something safe and stable. Something better than what I had as a kid.
I was on my way to making that dream a reality. I thought he was the reason I felt joy, the reason I was radiating. I thought he was the one who helped me shine. And while there is some truth here, it’s not the whole truth.
Side note… ironically, our wedding song was “At my most beautiful” by R.E.M. … Here’s some lyrics…
I’ve found a way to make you I’ve found a way A way to make you smile
Here’s me ATM….
Why did we pick this song? Seriously? My nickname almost everywhere has been something smiley of sorts… people always comment on how much I smile. Why would we pick a song whose lyrics say ‘i found a way to make you smile’??? Two words.
Cognitive Dissonance.
Sometime after high school (2002 or so) I painted this at church during worship.
I was still attending The Father’s House in Lewisburg and they offered lots of different ways to experience worship- one of them was painting. I will always take advantage of any opportunity to play with paint ❤️
Bryce and I weren’t yet dating when I created this 2002 piece.
As you can see, I have a theme. Both art pieces obviously represent a radiant light bursting out from the inside of a wounded heart.
There’s a saying that goes,
The scripture is also just so perfect:
“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.” Isaiah 60:1
I remember picking this verse. I obviously didn’t know what my life had in store. But it’s just so absolutely perfect for today, for my new journey.
I had no other choice but to believe Isaiah 60:1 as a girl becoming a woman. I had to believe that God’s light would shine in and through me. I would be dead without this belief, I know it. God’s love and light has ALWAYS been alive and well within me.
The box light, “Joy” was created after I had found “the love of my life”, the man I was planning to marry.
So… why would I create an art piece that looked like I had experienced more pain and was in more bondage than the painting I created even before I told someone about my childhood sexual abuse? You would think that my heart would look more healed after sharing that weight and beginning to heal. You would think “grief shared is grief divided”. You would think that joy would look more whole, especially because I’m engaged and planning a wedding! But my art doesn’t depict this.
A picture really does say a thousand words.
There’s all kinds of ways to pick this apart and you can think whatever you want but here’s the truth:
My art showed more pain because I was in more pain. My art revealed more bondage because I was in more bondage. I just didn’t know it.
Bryce is a good human and I don’t want to shame or humiliate him. That is not the intention of my writing. My intention is to share my heart, MY experience, and why it took me 19 years to come to this realization and decision.
He was and has always been loving towards me, supportive, and has cared very much about and for me. He is a good father, a good human, and he was a good husband. I know he loved me the best way he could. But… things happened. As they do in every relationship. Nothing serious, nothing major, but… I’m a sensitive person, an HSP, an empath, and I have a lot of feelings. I needed someone who could care for my feelings in an attentive and gentle way. I now know that I was created to experience a deep soulful, emotional, transcendental love.
When I was 20, with all my trauma festering under the surface, and in desperate need of a knight in shining armor, Bryce was right there. I splashed him with a puddle of muddy water and he paid attention to me. We both did the best we could with what we had. We both really really really tried.
But the heart I gave to him was first scarred by abuse in 1994 and then hardened and chained by betrayal in 2004. I realize now that my heart never functioned the same after that betrayal. I’m resilient and I have the Love of God alive in me so yes, I still shine. To the world I looked fine. To me I felt fine. Happy. Blissful even.
Cognitive Dissonance.
I’m a happy person. That might be a personality trait or it might be a survival skill, maybe both. Be happy or someone will notice that you’re dying inside. Someone will see that I was broken and I had no soft place to land. So, what’s a 23 year old to do? I had no idea how wounded I was. I had no idea how hurt I was. I had no idea what Love was. I was starved as a child so breadcrumbs felt like Shady Maple. (Look it up.)
I didn’t know I plastered my heart and wrapped it in wire and chains sometime in 2004. And then made art to represent the truth but called it “joy” instead. But I did.
Cognitive Dissonance.
My heart stayed that way until fire and gasoline and Love set me on fire and set my light free for a minute in 2012. I wasn’t supposed to…. But I fell in Love. Real Love. Transcendental, Divine LOVE. It took me ten years to realize that what I experienced with him was NOTHING like anything I had ever experienced before or after. This. Is. Special. This love healed my heart. This love set me free. This love inspired me, ignited me, raptured me. This love brought me back to God.
But as soon as I set myself free by choosing myself for the first time ever in my life, I had to deny myself again. Because I wasn’t allowed to have it. I had to surrender Transcendental, Unconditional Love. I already had “love” and I “need to be happy with what you have”. “Stop wanting more.” “What you have is enough.” “This is God’s will.”
But my heart was exploding. My heart was breaking free.
I thought I lost this photograph. Abraham Hicks says You can’t find something you think is lost. If you believe it’s lost the universe will align with you and keep it lost. You have to believe it’s found. I wasn’t looking and BAM there it was. I looked and looked for this photo in July. I found it while looking for a different photo last night.
I painted this in 2012 or so, in my bed, next to Bryce while he slept. This painting was me giving myself permission to feel my feelings. My therapist at the time told me I wasn’t allowed to feel my feelings (!!!😵!!!) but I think I might have died if I didn’t. I HAD to create. I had to get it out of me. I was exploding with Love and grief.
I had so much love energy…so much passion…I just had to create. I pulled paints and brushes and just sobbed and slapped paint all over the canvas…all over our bed. I screamed and cried and my husband slept. This is a pretty telling example of my emotional experience in our relationship.
My heart found Unconditional Love and I wasn’t allowed to have it. I was in Love and then I was forced to grieve an untimely and premature death. I was in Love and no one would listen. I was in Love and I was forced to kill it. We created a perfect Love…and I destroyed it.
It wasn’t long after this that I started shutting down my feelings again.
I took this photo of my painting before I cut into the canvas and stabbed the heart with a railroad spike. I’m glad I took this picture… Because look at it. No wire. No plaster. No chains. Just a huge explosion. I think this painting is more similar to the one I painted in 2002 than the box I created in 2006.
Before I decided on divorce, I felt so much pain in my chest. I even went to the ER. Of course they sent me home fine, a clean bill of health. But I knew what was wrong. My heart was broken. I lost touch with Love. I thought it was breaking because of someone else. That’s not true.
There are two truths about my heart pain… 1) my heart was waking up, reactivating, remembering Love. Like being shocked by an AED 2) my heart was breaking. I was and had been grieving the end of my marriage for a very very very long time.
In fact, I think I’ve been in the bargaining stage of grief for well over 10 years. Like I said, we really really tried.
There are moments between 2009 to the present where I lost touch with my heart. Like, I couldn’t find the Love I’ve always known… My resilience, my radiance….it faded in and out. Sometime between 2012 and 2022 I almost completely lost touch with Love. It’s like I was spinning in space, further and further away from my Source.
Over the past ten years, I’ve become increasingly angry, arrogant, depressed, and like… Dead. I’ve often wondered…why can’t I cry? Why can’t I feel? My feelings would build and build until they exploded. I kept attracting relationships that would end chaotically. Then and only then would I be able to cry… But I wouldn’t cry. I would bawl. Hyperventilate. Spin into suicidal ideation.
For ten years I recreated in most of my new relationships (and several existing) the devastating loss I experienced in 2012. Losing people was the only way I could feel anything. I’m just realizing this now.
After my heart exploded in 2012, I went away on a mini weekend retreat and painted again.
While away on my “MEtreat”, I received a vision while meditating. The vision was of a healed heart in the clouds, like heaven.
I went to a Catholic college so the sacred heart was displayed everywhere. I never really noticed though how much it resembled all the art I’ve created through the years. I think my art, like Sacred Heart art, is divinely inspired. Actually, I know it is.
So, I began painting. I started with the clouds and I knew I wanted to paint a healed heart in these clouds.
But… There was one problem….I was thinking about someone else. Buuuuut I was married to Bryce.
The GUILT was consuming. How. Dare. I. Love. Another. I’m Deplorable. Vile. Adulterous.
But…
Somewhere along the way I stumbled upon quotes like “don’t follow your heart for it is deceitful above all things”. And “marriage isn’t supposed to make you happy, it’s supposed to make you holy”.
So, because I believe the Bible and those in spiritual power, I began to forsake my heart, kill love, and stab myself with ice picks (migraines) and my side with thorns (chronic bladder spasms). I also chained my mouth shut (TMJ). I carried the weight of grief and condemnation on my shoulders (chronic shoulder and back pain).
In 2013 I was still in Love’s presence and the vision was still alive in my soul. But still, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get the vision to leave my brain, my soul, and flow out of a paintbrush. I couldn’t bring paint to canvas. The desire was there. The will was there. The image carved itself into my brain. But I was blocked. I couldn’t find my heart.
It’s interesting how this painting actually shows that. Just a blank space where something is supposed to be. I’ve held onto this canvas for 10 years. I almost threw it away this summer but Liam convinced me to keep it. He said, “you’ll figure it out mama, I know you will”. Oh Liam, you really were shaped by Love when you were in my tummy ❤️ He knows. He gets it.
Almost two months ago I was still in crisis. I couldn’t sleep, eat, function. I stopped working because I COULDN’T. It would have been unethical… I couldn’t do it. It’s hard to explain. I wasn’t depressed. I was….stuck. I now know that God put a hold on me to get me to WAKE UP.
And I did! Thank you Jesus! He left the 99 and he came for me. He brought me home, fed me, gave me a warm bed and clean pjs. And began breathing life into my dry and dead bones.
In June, I set off running on a feeling journey, a journey back to my heart, back to Love. It has been…. interesting. There have been twists and turns and distractions and decoys. I’ve also experienced a lot of miracles – like completely resolved migraines that I had almost daily for 10 years. Completely resolved TMJ. Completely resolved chronic neck and shoulder pain. No changes were made except I got HONEST about my FEELINGS.
February 2004-October 18 2022 was a classic case of extreme cognitive dissonance exacerbated by a warped belief system full of dogma, judgement, condemnation, lies, and bullshit. It took me four months to unpack 10+ years of confusion and pain. In the process of unpacking, I tried everything. I even tried exploring polyamory to resolve my “problem” 😂 I can laugh at this now because it’s just so silly. What I really needed…
Was to end my marriage.
So I did.
Looking back, I can see that on 6/26/22, my heart couldn’t handle the lies I kept telling myself and it just cracked open. Just like it did in June of 2012, almost exactly 10 years earlier.
It took four months for everything that I kept buried deep inside to come out. And then, finally, once I got it all out… I had an epiphany. And asked myself….”how would you feel if you got divorced”?
The answer?
Relieved.
Devasted. But relieved. I never allowed myself to consider divorce. It was off the table. I didn’t use that word. Instead, I allowed myself to become suicidal. I would fantasize disappearing. Like I never existed. No one would mourn my absence, I wouldn’t have to bother anyone with my death. I would just POOF be gone . I understand now that there was a part of me that was screaming HELP! Get me out of here! LEAVE! But I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. It wasn’t an option.
And…to boot… Our marriage was pretty good! Not terrible. But somewhere along the way I realized that some needs…needs most people don’t talk about…had never been met. Except for that one time in 2012. And now that I was allowing myself to consider that moment as something GOOD, it all started to click together. Like Clark and his Christmas lights…
Ten years of pining and thinking and wondering and crying and nearly dying…. I figured it out.
I love Bryce. But I was never IN LOVE. I know, it’s surprising. Looking at us you’d think we were.
We’re both very easy going people, very kind people. We have a good friendship. We work well together. I’m a very loving person, especially when I feel safe. Bryce rescued me from my family of origin, parts of which were physically abusive. I have always felt physically safe with Bryce.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs illustrates that people cannot grow or actualize until basic needs are met. Physical safety is a basic need.
But I’m more than just a physical person. I’m an emotional person. I’m a sexual person. I’m a spiritual person. I had no idea that safety in these areas, all areas, was possible OR necessary to make a marriage not only work, but PASSIONATE.
There was no passion in our marriage. There was no shared depth of emotion. There was love, there was fun, there was adventure, there was conversation, there was friendship. But we did not have passion. We did not share deep emotion. It takes two to tango as they say….and I’ve been trying to tango alone and drag him along for 19 years. (funny because he doesn’t like to dance)…
There was more than that missing/problematic, but that’s as much as I’m willing to share publicly. You just have to accept that my marriage was not healthy for me anymore. I outgrew it as I grew in some extremely foundational areas.
I don’t owe anyone an explanation. That’s not why I’m doing this. I’m writing this because I KNOW I can’t be the only one. Everyone deserves Love.
Soul mate relationships are nice. They are cozy, warm, basic. No drama. But, in soul mate relationships, you don’t really grow. You get stagnant. Bored. You gain weight, lose hair, collect a ton a shit you don’t need. Most of America exists like this. But just because it’s normal doesn’t make it right.
Everyone thinks that just by identifying as a Christian that they’re not conforming. But have you been to a mega church? Have you talked to a conservative Christian since 2020? I think Christians have a knack for conforming, too.
I think this Romans verse is better lived out by those who go on a true spiritual journey back to God. A wild, crazy, amazing ride back to the heart of God, back to Unconditional Love.
God woke me up in June and poured out his all encompassing and consuming Love, Wisdom, and Truth faster than I could process. AH says that God doesn’t usually give humans a flood of downloads like this because well…we can look and feel a little crazy. Apparently this process is called Kundalini awakening .
As a result of my spiritual awakening, I discovered Truth, Peace, and Love again. The fire was relit in my soul. But, it was like a turbo burst and I needed to get control of all of this new and wild energy before I could really get grounded and rest. Chill. I’m now enjoying peace and clarity and Oneness with God and others ❤️ It’s beautiful 🥰
I’m painting again, and received s new/updated inspiration for my 10 year old canvas. It’s not finished yet… It’s missing something, I’m not sure what… But I know I’ll know soon 🔥
I chose divorce and my heart has been set on fire. My heart is healed. It is whole. No more chains, no more scars, no more darkness. Just Love 💘
The inspiration continues as I find my way back into the world. I know when I’m aligned with God, with Love, when I can turn my visions into reality. I know I’m following God’s call on my life when the fruit of the spirit blossoms from my life’s tree. Since ending my marriage I have reconciled multiple relationships. I’ve passed my licensure exam. I’m envisioning my future and making my dreams come true. There is no longer a shortage of love. Some marriages are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay ❤️
Please don’t apologize for our divorce. We are both happier now. This is truly what’s best for everyone.
When you choose Unconditional Love, everyone wins. Love wins. ❤️
Keturah Mae Shine 