I feel called, inspired, and have a strong desire to teach.
You may or may not know, I’ve been deeply wounded by the traditional Christian church and how the masses have interpreted and taught some scriptures. Especially scriptures around Satan, love and marriage, God, and sin.
I’ve spent ten years deep in prayer, study, and discernment… Pulling apart scripture and the teachings I received and testing it against what I KNOW to be true- which is that God is Love.
It’s taken me this long to admit to myself what Love really is.
Side note… I’ve always loved this song. Since 2002. I can confidently say that I absolutely KNOW what love is now and I absolutely KNOW what I want 🥰❤️🔥
I held a lot of conservative evangelical beliefs and teachings around these things and this indoctrination has caused me a lot of confusion, heartache, and pain.
I believe God is calling me to join the masses of those who grew up in the 90s purity culture, toxic Christian masculine, hell-evil-Satan obsessed theology who are calling themselves exvangelicals.
Some are completely renouncing their faith. (Not me).
Some are teaching the Truth (me).
Some are providing safe and empathetic spaces for those like me to heal (this is also me).
God is calling me to teach. To set the record straight. To turn these theologies right side up and align it all with love.
Who knows what’s going to come out of this. I’m trusting God for inspiration and flow. I’m learning A LOT. I’ve studied A LOT. I also have a very deep and personal relationship with God and for the first time in my life I can confidently say that he is still speaking. And because I’ve healed and I’m healing, I can confidently say that God is speaking through me. He’s always tried. He speaks to all of us all the time. We just have to remove the blocks that are in the way to hearing his voice.
In another post, I’ll share what those blocks were/are for me.
I’m not perfect nor do I claim to be. I may misspeak or mishear God and as a result give incomplete teaching. I’m not a master and I don’t claim to be. But I’m not going to wait to teach until I’m perfect because then… It will never happen. So, as with all things, use your discernment and talk to God about what I say here.
I’ll never say “you must believe this” and I’ll never say that I know everything. I am a child of God… I am not God. But, God is speaking through me. And this is how it’s supposed to be… For all of us! We’re supposed to hear God. We’re supposed to receive inspiration from God. God is active and speaking NOW. Not just in a 2000+ year old text 😬😅 You can scripture check that! 💖😁
So, stay tuned for some new interpretations. I hope it enlightens, brings clarity and peace, and helps you understand God in a deeper, more loving way ❤️
Modesty culture Rape culture Courtship culture Marriage culture Patriarchal culture
I’m humbled to admit that I have participated in these cultures (below – Original article) and vomited their lies on people I love…and on myself. As I continue to grow, it becomes more and more obvious to me that the conservative “Christian” church is often TOXIC.
I believe there are more toxic ideas within the church than these five.
I thought Church was supposed to be a safe place. A place where you can come as you are and be loved through your life journey.
Instead, church seems like a manufacturing company, where open and willing souls walk in, vulnerable, and the church refurbishes these souls to then go out into the world and make more AI creatures that just regurgitate all their crap.
I’m not saying church is all bad.
I am shining a light on how church has hurt me and others.
Purity culture is not the only toxic culture in the Church.
There are five other toxic Christian cultures that I believe are related to purity culture.
The five cultures are:
Modesty culture Rape culture Courtship culture Marriage culture Patriarchal culture
All of these teachings were embedded in purity culture and integrated into the fabric of evangelical Christianity and the Church.
But NONE of them are actually biblical or Christian.
Let’s dismantle each culture, analyze the harmful teachings that came from them, and replace them with the real biblical truth.
Modesty Culture Modest is hottest–right?
Modesty culture taught us that our worth was on display. Our value was determined by shorts that were at least finger-tip length, straps that were three fingers wide, and clothing that was loose enough to hide our curves.
Modesty culture leads to a lot of body shame and a sense that our bodies are inherently wrong, sinful, and can cause others to “stumble”. It makes girls responsible for boys’ lust instead of empowering each gender to be responsible for their own thoughts and actions.
The truth is your inherent worth is determined by being made in the image of God–not in what you wear. You alone are responsible for your sin. Your value is not dictated either by your attractiveness to men (being “hot”) or keeping men from lust.
Modesty is more than how much skin you show. Instead, let’s emphasize a “modest” and humble heart that is nonjudgmental towards ourselves and others. Let’s consider clothing that is appealing to you, practical, comfortable, and makes you feel most like yourself, rather than what others will think of our clothes.
Your inherent worth is determined by being made in the image of God–not in what you wear. You alone are responsible for your sin. Your value is not dictated either by your attractiveness to men (being “hot”) or keeping men from lust. #modestishottest #toxicchristiancultures
Rape culture is by no means only a part of the evangelical Church–it has poisoned our secular culture as well.
We hear rape culture any time a woman is blamed or held responsible for her sexual assault and an offender is given a free pass:
“Well, what was she wearing?” “She was asking for it with clothes like that!” “He’s a man; he couldn’t help himself!” “He was such a promising young man. She was just tempting him to lust.” I can’t say it loud enough: A VICTIM IS NEVER RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR SEXUAL ASSAULT. NO ONE IS TO BLAME BUT THEIR ATTACKER.
Christians continue to perpetuate rape culture through the Gatekeepers Myth, one of my five myths of purity culture in my article “5 Purity Culture Myths”.
The antidote to rape culture is compassion for victims and accountability and justice for offenders. We have to hold men responsible for their crimes and sins. And we have to come alongside survivors and offer support and hope for their healing.
Nothing epitomizes courtship culture more than the book “I Kissed Dating Good-bye” by Joshua Harris. (I know Josh Harris has had a change of heart and I respect hishumility and openness to discussion. But we’ve got to still talk about the long-lasting impact of this culture!)
Courtship culture was rampant at the Christian colleges I attended, where “ring by spring” was the norm and you felt like nobody if you didn’t graduate with your MRS degree.
I think there are two risks of courtship culture–you could miss out on a good relationship because you didn’t give it enough of a chance or you could stay in a relationship too long because of the fantasy and false promise of your first love being your spouse.
The truth is dating can be healthy. You are not more spiritual if you choose not to date. Every Christian has to decide for themselves when and who to date. Dating can be a healthy way to understand yourself better and learn more about what you’re looking for in a relationship.
Marriage Culture Let’s talk about the idolization of marriage in the Church.
What’s wrong with marriage? Nothing. I am married and I love my husband and love being married.
But the “marriage culture” in the Church is toxic and insidious.
Being married is given “privileged” status in evangelical Christianity, while other relationship statuses such as single, divorced, or widowed, are often discriminated against.
Here’s what I mean by marriage culture:
Elevating married couples’ spiritual status and maturity over single people Giving married couples preference and leadership opportunities not given to unmarried people Catering to the needs of couples and families and secluding them together, while unmarried people are lumped in with the youth Judging people who are divorced and widowed without hearing their story Assuming that marriage will happen for every believer and is the pinnacle of adulthood Marriage culture breeds pride for those who are married and shame for those who are not.
Toxic marriage culture affected me by making me feel ashamed for being single. I felt something must be wrong with me that I was doing everything “right”, yet couldn’t find a husband. I also felt like I didn’t have the opportunity to serve in my church because I wasn’t married. Even in my late 20s, I was categorized with “college and young adults” because I was single.
But the truth is we are ALL valuable members of the Body of Christ. Marriage does not make you more spiritually mature, capable of leadership, or holier. Marriage is not the ultimate goal of a Christian’s life. Serving and honoring God is–and that can happen with or without marriage.
Patriarchal Culture Underlying all of the other toxic Christian cultures–modesty culture, rape culture, courtship culture, marriage culture, and purity culture–is patriarchal cultures.
Patriarchy is the belief that men are the leaders and the head of women. Women are in need of protection and provision. Men make the decisions; women are subordinate and submissive.
Why do we have modesty culture? Because it allows men to control women through their clothing.
How did rape culture evolve? Because it absolves men of responsibility for their crimes and puts the blame on women.
Why is courtship culture “biblical”? Because men (especially fathers) make all the dating decisions and women follow.
Why is marriage culture so prevalent in the Church? Because women are only valuable and gain status if they are married to a man.
What is the purpose of purity culture? To control women’s sexuality through myths and false promises about premarital sex.
I hope you know I have a lot of respect for men. I love my husband–he is my equal partner and we practice mutual submission. I have a great dad who has been a positive influence in my life.
But I do not support patriarchal culture that subordinates women to men and puts men in charge of marriages, families, churches, and institutions.
Men and women are equal in value and role. Men and women are co-image bearers and heirs of the Kingdom. Men and women are equally called, “equally saved, equally Spirit-filled, and equally sent” (M. S. Van Leeuwen).
If we want to fully deconstruct these toxic Christian cultures, we have to start with their common thread of patriarchy.
I’m burdened by the hypocrisy of the “Christian” church.
I can’t believe I’ve played a part in this nonsense… This hate.
Church…we’ve messed up. Big time.
This is abhorrent.#guiltyActually, ask yourself if anyone feels loved by you. Change my mind.Burn every copy of love&respect 🤮Submit submit submit and God will bless you with an asshole for a husband who can’t even find the ketchup on the front door. Also, was told by my pastor and “Christian” therapist that they were angry with me for trying to feel loved. Fuck purity Sounds a bit narcissistic I didn’t write this. I don’t like those words at the end but you should seriously think about if and how your beliefs are hurting you and other people. People should not be able to love better than God.Yeah, this one’s tough for me too. No caption needed. Other than *note: WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACHED #yepThe hypocrisy is as THICK as their skulls…Y’all. I don’t even understand this logic Or this logicI’m actually okay being kept awake. I’m sorry.Cherry picking should be left for actual cherries We’ve really messed up.Well, does it?🎤I try to remember to talk to my unpleasant emotions like I would a little toddler. What do you need? How can I help?No virtue. Read it again with me.I seriously do not even understand how one could think they should be in office.😬Sick.
I’m kind of done with this “Christian” nonsense. Pray for my soul.
I’m in a weird state of having so much to say and nothing to say at all. Most of what I want to say is not ready for public consumption. It’s not time yet.
I’m learning to be okay with TIME. I’ve always struggled with the concept of time. Am I alone in this? I think it must be because at our core, we are not time-bound creatures. We have a body and a mind that are tied to time, but we are SOULS, which are not bound by time. For whatever reason, my soul seems to reject the essence of time more than others seem to struggle. I rarely pay attention to the clock. I don’t wear a watch. I’m often late….and I often don’t leave when I “should”. (My husband and I have been known to help turn the lights off after church lol).
I tend to pay attention to my body and the energy in and around me in making many of my decisions that involve time. Obviously, this approach can’t be applied everywhere like when showing up for class or boarding a plane. I’m thankful my husband keeps better track of time than I do… but we’re known for “oh, they’re on Martin time”. (Our eldest child is the WORST lol) see: snail.
It also doesn’t help that my childhood experiences made it difficult for me to get anywhere on time.
Something I’ve learned in my healing journey and as a trauma-informed therapist is that trauma gets stuck in our bodies if we don’t heal it. How this manifests then is that when our ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) gets activated (or triggered) we, usually without conscious awareness or choice- fight, flight, freeze, or fawn and we usually revert back to the age/developmental stage in which we were traumatized and how our ANS learned to cope at that time. This is why we have 50 something-year-olds having temper tantrums (think road rage) like a 4 year old. Something happened at that developmental stage that they never healed.
For me, one of the reasons I don’t do well with time is because my parenting situation was inconsistent. My parents separated when I was 4? and they never lived together after that (thank you JESUS- more on this later). But of course as a 4+ year old, who didn’t know her father was unstable, all I wanted was to be with him. He was the “fun” parent. Also, my brother and I didn’t see my dad for a year after they separated; we moved from California to Pennsylvania without him. My mom did an awesome job at facilitating this difficult co-parenting arrangement but still, I never knew when I was going to see him. He was not well, not consistent, and in a word, irresponsible. I developed an anxious attachment in part because of this.
Kids thrive on routine and predictability. Some kids may have developed an anxious approach to time. I developed an ambivalent approach to time. I know this was likely necessary for survival or just seemed ‘normal’ to me as a small person. (Just like an anxious approach is, too.) I’m sure there are many reasons that I have difficulty waiting and difficulty managing time. But I think this is one significant facet of my time bomb lol. I’m also like my mother who, as I remember, struggled with timeliness 🙂 (sorry for outing you mom :)) My dad is definitely not the type that is bound by most social constructs so…bottom line…I come by it honestly.
How my difficulty with time has manifested in my adulthood is….interesting. I’m not type A really (what are the other types? haha) so I don’t have that anal retentive personality type that is hyper focused on time, structure, order, “respect”. My motto- ‘I’ll get there when I get there. If you don’t want me late then I’ll go home. I probably didn’t want to come anyway.’ HA!
I understand that my indifference towards time pisses some people off. Trust me, I KNOW. I’ve heard aaaalllll about it. I know time-sensitive people often can and do feel like I’m being disrespectful of them and their time. I know they probably think, ‘all you care about is yourself, Kitty’. Ouch. This certainly is not my intention, to hurt or upset people by being untimely. My intention is actually centered in attending to the needs of each moment instead of freaking out about being late or doing things by/on a certain time. This of course get more complicated when you have children.
It wasn’t until an old friend freaked out on me for being 10 minutes late to something that I got my butt better in gear, especially on being ‘on time’.
My mindset is not at all like a time-minded person’s mindset so my first thought when someone’s late isn’t “how rude” or something of that nature. In fact, I’m more likely to think, “they must have got caught up in something, I can wait” and because I know I often get caught up in something, I give lots of grace. Afterall, is the thing THAT important? (Sometimes it is. I’m (usually) on time for those things :))
When someone stays late my mindset isn’t “they need to go”. It’s usually something like “they must really need this time together”… and because I’m flexible with my time, I’m able to serve them in that way.
I know, I know- you time-minded people are squirming in your seats. I get it. I’m muuuuch better at arriving on time than I used to be. Here’s where I still struggle….
I crave deep connection. There are a few people on this planet that I can and do get lost in space with. It’s like our souls connect and they go off dancing among the stars. Before I know it, it’s 5am. I’m energized, alive, and so full– I’m overflowing. I can get 3 hours of sleep and attack the day ahead with joy and vigor- no problem. I’ll just catch up on sleep later. Unfortunately, not everyone is like me… haha… and even though their soul seems to enjoy the dance… they can’t just “lock the door and leave the world outside” all day every day. Sigh… won’t heaven be great for people like me?
All of this to say… I have a lot to say. But, I’m taking my time, respecting others’ time requests, and waiting on God’s timing. NONE of these things come naturally to me, admittedly. So, feel free to say ‘atta girl’.
If you’re a chronically late person or someone who also struggles with time constraints, I hope this post helps you know you’re not alone. To cope, I have crafted a life that allows me to be a bit more flexible, to move at my own pace. I have also crafted a life that forces me to be time-bound in my work. That structure is helping me repair some childhood wounds that inevitably created my difficulty with respecting this unnatural boundary. It also helps me be in relationship with people who are time-sensitive.
And for those of you reading that are a fan of time, please know that people like me are not trying to be disrespectful. In fact, we’re likely doing the opposite. We are slow and gentle with a crying child, we will get out of our car and help a turtle cross the road, we’ll stay the extra 20… or hour…. to help clean up and make sure your soul feels safe. We stop and smell the roses, say hello to a neighbor, feel the breeze in our hair, and we’re the ones who make the special moments last.
I will suck every ounce of precious time out of every sweet moment. We only get a few that are actually worth living for… might as well make them last as long as possible ❤
As you’ve probably gathered, I am in the midst of a pretty intense battle of sorts. I am trying to move through it slowly and carefully. Armoring up, assessing, planning, fortifying, defending, and attacking when/if necessary. This approach has not been one that has come naturally to me. Ten years ago I was forced to reconsider how I move through life and deal with adversity. The pruning process was SO painful. It was one of the most beautiful and most painful times of my life. Do most people experience something like this in their late 20s? It was INTENSE for me…but I’m also an intense person, so maybe the intensity needs to match the personality? I probably fought it with intensity too… A battle of wills 😬
When I was a child, I acted like a child. (1 Corinthians 13:11).
Not everyone has the same growth rate. There are lots of different reasons for this and as an adult, I have worked hard to adopt a less childish way of viewing all the facets, including the process of growth. I’m moving away from judging and condemning other adults’ growth rate and instead moving inward- evaluating my own growth needs and process and focusing that attention, energy, and reflection on myself. I’m not great at this, admittedly.
When we turn 18 in America the overarching message and ‘charge’ is “now you’re an adult’. The practicality of this transition is not always clear, linear, and does not always happen in an orderly fashion. This was especially the case for me. I did adult things while I was still a child. I got married, I moved into a house with my husband, had bills and work and responsibilities. We had two children before I turned 30. Was I legally an adult? Yes. Was my body an adult body? Yes. Was I emotionally, mentally, spiritually, relationally an adult? Not always… not even most of the time. We’re multifaceted people and many of my facets were cracked or covered in mud. Not blaming or shaming…it’s just facts…and these facts had/have consequences.
I think this is true for every 18-29+ year old in one facet or more. Are there any 25 year old people out there feeling like they have it all figured out?
So, here’s what I think happened. How this stronghold got its grip…
I aspire to be a faithful woman of God; to rest in His presence and trust that He will fight for me but to also to step into my Power and act and fight when I’m supposed to. Sometimes this feels like a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ process. Sometimes it feels like I’m leveling up every hour.
I know I will never be done growing and my resting place is knowing that if I remain teachable, open, honest, still, and humble that eventually God will reveal my path- whether to act or be still or some wonky version of both at the same time. My cognitive distortions cloud my discernment, that’s for sure.
I have messed up. A LOT. I fight when I’m supposed to rest, I rest when I’m supposed to act. I ignore when I’m supposed to listen…
On the spectrum of what I think is peace and justice, I tend to lean into the panic end of the spectrum and less into the avoidance end of the spectrum. I could be wrong about the Peace/Justice spectrum, but I think it looks like this….
I don’t know if a bell curve applies here but if it does, it would indicate that at least 50% of the time, on any issue, we should be resting in Peace and fighting for Justice? I’m not really sure how this breaks down, admittedly. Maybe there’s more than one spectrum going on here.
Anywho, my confession is that I tend to panic before I avoid. I also tend to act before I offer “thoughts and prayers”. I believe my propensity for action is one of my God given strengths. Unfortunately, as easy as it is for a thoughts and prayers kind of person to become avoidant or complacent, I too can move into panic and flailing, without much difficulty.
Obviously if I could will myself to hit the 50% mark 100% of the time, I totally would! My panic definitely seems to trigger those who avoid… and I think the opposite is true too. I think we can learn from each other and I want to. I’m ready to become more well-rounded (in demeanor, not physical shape haha)
I believe there is beauty to be found here, of course after I’m done flailing and having a temper tantrum 😅 I’m frustrated with myself because no matter how hard I try and beg and pray and plead, I am still plagued by this idiosyncrasy. It’s a thorn in my side. It drives people I love absolutely bonkers and I think ultimately pushes them to a place of anxiety and avoidance… leaving me to panic, alone.
As God pulled me into this unique state of suffering, pruning, whatever this now 7-weeks-of-spiritual-battle is, I have been asking Him to reveal to me what He is trying to teach me, change in me…. I know this is the process of leveling up but man…. I’m growing tired of the crash and burn.
Jesus promises that his ‘yoke’ is light and easy. I’m totally down for taking up any kind of yoke that is light and easy! Yes, please!!!
What am I doing wrong?
I’ve had a suspicion for a while that there may be something more going on here.
I grew up in a charismatic church. I was surrounded by teaching that focused on spiritual warfare and how to bind up and cast out demons and strongholds. I believe there may be a stronghold in or over my life and that might be why this problem keeps popping up all over the place. I am not avoidant, I’m introspective and introjective, so I try to stay on top of things like this. I don’t want to be the reason for my own suffering.
In the past 7 weeks, this stronghold seems to become more and more….strong.
I believe the stronghold might be anger…. Anger, contempt, unforgiveness, misunderstanding. There’s probably more and I would welcome other’s thoughts on this matter. I would also welcome a gentle naming or calling out of how you see me participating/strengthening this stronghold. I am very aware that my own anger, unforgiveness, misaligned introjections, pride, arrogance, and contempt plays a huge part in the strength of this stronghold. It is hard for me to consider different perspectives because I am so internally focused and have SO MANY THOUGHTS. Obviously, I don’t want to be this way. I want to see the truth and participate actively and willingly in this necessary growth. I want to be a sage, a calm meek soul….but that’s just not me haha….
This is me…. “these weirdos” lol
Another reason I’m writing and sharing is because I can’t hold other’s perspectives while I am full of mine. There doesn’t seem to be a deep enough well for all my thoughts, feelings, and pain. I’m really trying. Please trust that I have rebuked, surrendered, laid down my life, taken up my cross, forsaken myself, honored myself– I have tried every approach I could think of, learned, and was told to try. NOTHING WORKS! So, I’m trying this (public blog) because it’s what feels right for me. And, honestly, it’s working. Today anyway 🙂 It will probably change tomorrow cuz God likes to keep me on my toes. 😅
The point: I would love it if fellow believers could join me in praying that the Holy Spirit reveals this stronghold and resolution to me so I can cast it out in Jesus name and be done with this love and life and growth killer once and for all!!!
A few nights ago Bryce anointed me with oil and we prayed that the stronghold would be released in Jesus name. I am actually feeling a little lighter which is just positively AMAZING.
Would you be willing to join me in asking God to reveal the strongholds in and around my life and join me in binding them up and casting them out? I have been feeling the weight of captivity for too long. I’m weary. I want peace and joy and love and reconciliation.
1. AUTHORITY — Every believer has the right to use the authority of Jesus’ name to bind and take authority over Satan’s activities. “No one can enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man, and then he will plunder his house” (Mark 3:27). Issue a spoken command to the devil that he is bound and he must leave the stronghold! Exercising authority in the name of Jesus will expel the Devil’s influence. “And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues…” (Mark 16:17).
2. INTERCESSION — Come together with other believers to pray and intercede against strongholds until you get results. There is intensified power in the gathering of more believers. Prayer with fasting intensifies faith, and faith will break strongholds. “Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast him out? …However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:19,21).
3. DISPLACEMENT — Establish the presence of God. Where Satan has been commanded to leave, fill it up with God’s presence. Where the presence of the Lord is, the Devil isn’t! Satan doesn’t want to hang around where people are lifting up Jesus in worship, in singing and prayer. The presence of the Lord displaces the Devil. “For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).
4. RESISTANCE — Submit yourselves and draw close to God. The Bible says this is how we resist Satan and he will flee. The Devil runs from submitted, yielded Christians who pray, fast, worship and humble themselves to follow and obey God’s Word. “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
5. OCCUPATION — Give no place or vacancy to the Devil. With Satan departed, fill the void with God. Let righteousness be the standard rule and behavior. Provide no pocket of rebellion, corruption or immorality in which Satan can find refuge to rebuild his influence or strength. The scripture says to not “give place to the devil” (Eph. 4:27).
6. FORTIFICATION — Clothe yourself with God’s armor. Take upon you daily, the full array of God’s spiritual equipment that you may maintain battle-ready status. With the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit (God’s Word) and the other links of armor (Eph. 6:13-17), you will be ready to resist any satanic assault, and will be ready to engage the strongholds in others. “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11).
Trigger warning: this post may be triggering due to content that alludes to childhood abuse and heavy emotional expression. If you believe this may be difficult for you to read, please feel free to skip it. If you would like to read it, please contact someone you trust if you need to process what you’ve read/your thoughts and feelings. Take care of YOU. ❤
(I’m adding time stamps for reference of how this all went down).
8/11/2022 4:30 pm
Yesterday’s post threw me for a loop… The Secret .
The way I’ve interpreted Proverbs 4:23, the way it’s been interpreted for me, has deeply affected me. Meditating on it and trying to rewrite my beliefs around it almost paralyzes me.
I’ve heard of writer’s block. I wonder if this is what it feels like. I’m going to try to push through because after all…that’s what this is for. My raw, real, thoughts. They’re not perfected. I think that’s actually part of the ‘problem’. I believed that in order to share my heart, it had to be “perfect”. My thoughts have to be perfect, my beliefs have to be perfect. If I’m not perfect then I’ll fuck everything up and then my misery will all be my fault. Oy, talk about shame and limiting beliefs.
Where the hell did I pick this up? Hell- that will give you a clue.
Here’s what I know about Satan…evil…whatever you want to call it. At least, this is what I’ve been told and what I’ve learned to believe. Satan pays attention. He doesn’t bother the ones who are doing his destruction for him. His mission: steal, kill, destroy. So if a ‘fruit’ is missing- look for how you might have aligned with the dark side. For instance, comparison is the thief of joy. If we’re busy checking social media, comparing our child to another child… our relationship to another relationship etc… Well, we are surrendering our joy. Satan doesn’t need to do any work if we’re busy doing it for him.
We all struggle with different aspects of the human condition. We can usually figure out where Satan is going snatch us by evaluating our feelings. Lots of well meaning people think that the antidote is to not have any feelings. Or, figure out how to numb all the uncomfortable ones. Just avoid avoid avoid. Admittedly, this is what I thought I was supposed to do with my secret. I got so good at dismissing, denying, stuffing, and rebuking (YES I EVEN REBUKED IT!) that I actually began to have ‘peace’. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months… In the process of listening to the lie, that I thought was Scripture, Satan stole my voice, killed my truth, and nearly destroyed something pure.
I didn’t realize this until June 27th 2022. I had “guarded” my heart so well that it lost touch with my soul.
Let me explain…
In June of 2012 I had a life changing experience. I’m not going to share what it was in this post…that’s for a different day. But…it changed me. It took my world and everything in it and shook me upside down. All the change and chachkies came flying out of all my pockets…. Shit flying everywhere… Everything I thought I knew about love, God, people, myself… flipped. Upside Down.
Have you seen Stranger Things? It’s like that. One minute I was right side up, the next… I’m Upside Down. Because of my choices, I was now in hell. Far from God. A sinner in need of repentance. Not only was it just me in hell, but I had taken people there with me.
…4 hours later…
8/11/2022 9:00 pm
Because I’m getting honest, here’s the truth. I was writing this at 4:30 and in the middle, I got super triggered. I’ll explain why in a future post, but in this post I want to share what happened, my raw real time trigger storm.
I was sitting here, thinking about what to write and how to say what I want to say. You’ll see above that I started to write. I haven’t edited it and I’m not going to because it is raw, confused, deep, emotional thought that came before the trauma trigger flood. I’m sharing this whole process because
Trauma recovery SUCKS. Our world is not trauma informed. Hell, not even psychiatric hospitals are trauma informed. (I know this because I used to work in one and THIS was one of my many huge beefs with that system). I believe in creating a better, trauma informed world. And as Ghandi would have it, I am being the change I want to see. We don’t need to be ashamed of the trauma we experienced. We shouldn’t be shamed for how our nervous system responds to triggers. But, we are. We’re called crazy, clingy, obsessive, too much… or we’re called narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, assholes. We could stop all this hate if we understood trauma.
If you have a trauma past, you’re not alone!!! I want this to be a place where you see someone like me: a Christian, a mom, a wife, a marriage and family therapist, a flawed human doing real life in the raw. So many of our heroes have taught us that God only calls the equipped. The perfected. The flawless. Well, I’m here to tell you that this is simply NOT TRUE. This is ‘hot sloppy mess express’ rolling in ‘toot toot!’ and being stripped and equipped every step of the way! All aboard the best kind of crazy train. We’re all a little mad here but we are also “awkward, brave, and kind” (Thanks, Brené Brown <3).
So, here’s what happened. I started trying to rethink and reframe “guard your heart” and it sent me into a trigger storm… Here’s an edited version of what I wrote. It’s edited because it’s written to someone. I want to protect their identity so I made adjustments…
8/11 5:35 pm:
“I’m really trying. I want to give you exactly what you want but you need to tell me what you want. Please. This silence and not following through is so triggering. It’s not necessarily YOU that’s triggering me. It’s the process. Please let me explain.
Ten years ago I confronted [person] about [my trauma]. He denied it and hasn’t spoken to me since. As much as [he] is an asshole, I still love him. You know me, my heart is big and wide open. I’ve tried so hard to follow everyone’s advice and just be angry with him, hate him, make him dead to me, etc etc etc. The same stupid advice everyone gave me to deal with you, too. (There’s a difference which is why I’m writing to ‘you’). I haven’t tried to contact [my abuser] since I sent him one letter [many years ago] making my boundary clear and he never responded. To make my boundary make sense to him he had to make up lies about me. Whatever, I don’t care. I know who I am and his ideas don’t define me. Unfortunately, I’m still a [person] who gets so fucking sad sometimes that [these are the cards I was dealt]. To him, I’m not worth an apology, ownership, time, space, nothing. I don’t want to whine or complain… But I do want to convey how incredibly painful it is to love someone who hates you. How incredibly painful it is to love someone who’s alive but in order to cope I have to make him DIE. There’s no other way to cope. Sometimes I have peace and sometimes I don’t. Right now, it is really hard to find peace. This whole thing that’s [happening between us], even though it’s obvious that you don’t want it, is so fucking triggering. It’s not your fault. And no, you don’t have to be a part of my process. You don’t owe me anything. You’ve already given so much of yourself to me and now it seems like you didn’t even want to give most? all? of what you gave. I don’t know what sense to make out of this but it’s not good sense. It has me tossing you in the same category as [person] and [name]!!!!!!! I don’t want to do that to you! To US! I’m so sorry I’m pushy. I swear I’m not pushy like this anywhere else in my life. As it stands, six weeks into this hell I’ve been living in, I can make you die in my mind and heart or I can share this with you. I’m hoping that understanding my trigger will help you find some compassion for me. I’m hoping that you’ll take my heart and hold it with tenderness, respect, and care. I want to work on my triggers. But I don’t want to do it alone. Please don’t leave me suffering in silence and empty commitments.”
8/11/2022 10:30 pm
I’m tired and need a break. I’m scheduling this to post on Sunday 8/14. This one’s hard to hit ‘publish’ but I’m doing it anyway. Do it afraid. Feel free to ask questions but be gentle with your statements.
I thought it could be helpful to share what I’m reading, listening to, who my teachers are and who has helped me on this journey of freedom and fire. I’ll be updating this list so be sure to check back ❤️
I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for those who have gone before me.
We belong to each other and I’m grateful for all the wisdom in my life ❤️❤️❤️
I’ll just be upfront. It’s going to take a minute for it all to come out. This is a long game, friends. I hope you’ll be patient with me as I work it out. Like every good story, mine has a lot of groundwork to be laid (lain? loin? ha) before I can build my castle.
In order to get it you have to know how I got here.
This secret, my secret, was a secret to me until about six weeks ago. It’s not a secret that I’ve kept intentionally. It’s not like I’ve been walking around with a ticking time bomb. I haven’t been worried that someone was going to poke me and I would just explode with it. I thought I dealt with it. I thought ‘it’ was DONE.
I didn’t even know it was there.
Remember, in my last post, Pearls Before Swine, I shared that I’m a very vulnerable person. This is a badge of honor I wear as I believe being authentic and vulnerable in a world of robots is a difficult achievement.
There’s a bible verse that says, “guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. (Proverbs 4:23) Wellllllll…. Lots of people who have seen me hurting would say, ‘you’re hurting because you’re not guarding your heart, Kitty”. I’ve interpreted this one scripture many different ways. I’ve heard it interpreted many different ways. When said to or about me, usually the message is ‘if you would keep your mouth shut then you wouldn’t say things to the wrong people and then you wouldn’t get hurt.’ After all, I am so easy to misunderstand, right? And no one really cares to hear what I (or anyone ) has to say, right??
Ugh, the messaging and programming we all have to undo. It’s hard work.
This bible verse alone has taken many different variations.
Here are some of my (very POOR) interpretations… Which ones have you believed?
‘Don’t say anything that people don’t want to hear. If you do, they will trample on it’ (look at me incorporating pearls before swine too!)
‘Your heart is where your lust is, so therefore you have to protect the world from your lust, your sin.’
‘Your heart is deceitful, you can’t trust it; you must shield it from the world.’
‘Oh, you feel “x”? That’s because you’re not guarding your heart. You can’t trust your feelings, they lie. So does your heart.’
‘No one will understand your heart so you must protect it from the world.’
‘If you reveal your heart to the wrong person you are responsible for their feelings and ultimately their destruction.’
‘If you share your feelings with the wrong person/people you are responsible for their reaction. If they hurt you in their response to your feelings, it’s your fault. You should have guarded your heart better.’
I think we get it. Even well-meaning Christians, myself included, sometimes have a really warped sense of Scripture. I’m not saying all of my interpretations are 100% wrong. What I am saying though is that these interpretations have really messed me up. As a result, I have taken MY truth and locked it away in the pit of my soul and threw away the key. This is how it became a secret I didn’t know I was keeping.
I’ve done this before. I will circle back around to this, too.
A while back, one of my favorite people said to me, “you are the most genuine person I’ve ever met”. Prior to this statement, I hadn’t thought of myself as a “genuine person”. In fact, I hadn’t really thought of myself as anything but me. I gathered that being genuine was something he valued, something rare. I still remember this special moment, how I felt so seen and known. After his comment, I began looking around and paying attention to other people… asking myself, ‘isn’t everyone genuine’? Nearly 30 years old and I had never thought that people would be anything but their real self. Funny how our own ‘self’ shapes how we see the world. Unlucky for me, I quickly and have endlessly realized how disingenuous most people are. I also quickly realized how REAL I am… you get what you see, folks… There are no surprises here.
Genuine. Authentic. Vulnerable. Real. These are words I have learned to use to describe myself since that dear friend of mine put a name to WHO I am. He helped me to see…me. What a gift.
“Well…well…well… how the turntables.” – Michael Scott (Office fans, anyone?)
All this was at least true until I realized that it wasn’t…………oh how the mighty have fallen.
I have a secret that I’ve kept burrowed deep deep down inside of me until well…. yeah, it exploded. Those who know me well, and those who have been paying attention to my social media have probably picked up on the hints I’ve dropped by asking for prayer and other things that I’ve been sharing here and there because well, I’ve been oozing with it. I have literally felt pain in my heart from all this love and grief and hope and lies and joy and soul crushing sadness.
Oh, I wish it was easy to explain. It’s not, hence why I’m here… writing this blog… my whole truth for the world to see because it just has to be known. I have to say it. I feel called to do this and I truly believe that God has prepared and equipped and continues to give me everything I need to do this.
Keturah Mae Shine 