As you’ve probably gathered, I am in the midst of a pretty intense battle of sorts. I am trying to move through it slowly and carefully. Armoring up, assessing, planning, fortifying, defending, and attacking when/if necessary. This approach has not been one that has come naturally to me. Ten years ago I was forced to reconsider how I move through life and deal with adversity. The pruning process was SO painful. It was one of the most beautiful and most painful times of my life. Do most people experience something like this in their late 20s? It was INTENSE for me…but I’m also an intense person, so maybe the intensity needs to match the personality?  I probably fought it with intensity too… A battle of wills 😬

When I was a child, I acted like a child. (1 Corinthians 13:11). 

Not everyone has the same growth rate. There are lots of different reasons for this and as an adult, I have worked hard to adopt a less childish way of viewing all the facets, including the process of growth. I’m moving away from judging and condemning other adults’ growth rate and instead moving inward- evaluating my own growth needs and process and focusing that attention, energy, and reflection on myself. I’m not great at this, admittedly. 

When we turn 18 in America the overarching message and ‘charge’ is “now you’re an adult’. The practicality of this transition is not always clear, linear, and does not always happen in an orderly fashion. This was especially the case for me. I did adult things while I was still a child. I got married, I moved into a house with my husband, had bills and work and responsibilities. We had two children before I turned 30. Was I legally an adult? Yes. Was my body an adult body? Yes. Was I emotionally, mentally, spiritually, relationally an adult? Not always… not even most of the time. We’re multifaceted people and many of my facets were cracked or covered in mud. Not blaming or shaming…it’s just facts…and these facts had/have consequences. 

I think this is true for every 18-29+ year old in one facet or more. Are there any 25 year old people out there feeling like they have it all figured out? 

So, here’s what I think happened. How this stronghold got its grip…

I aspire to be a faithful woman of God; to rest in His presence and trust that He will fight for me but to also to step into my Power and act and fight when I’m supposed to. Sometimes this feels like a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ process. Sometimes it feels like I’m leveling up every hour.

I know I will never be done growing and my resting place is knowing that if I remain teachable, open, honest, still, and humble that eventually God will reveal my path- whether to act or be still or some wonky version of both at the same time. My cognitive distortions cloud my discernment, that’s for sure.

I have messed up. A LOT. I fight when I’m supposed to rest, I rest when I’m supposed to act. I ignore when I’m supposed to listen… 

On the spectrum of what I think is peace and justice, I tend to lean into the panic end of the spectrum and less into the avoidance end of the spectrum. I could be wrong about the Peace/Justice spectrum, but I think it looks like this….

Panic < Action  << Peace  & Justice>> “Thoughts & Prayers” > Avoidance

I don’t know if a bell curve applies here but if it does, it would indicate that at least 50% of the time, on any issue, we should be resting in Peace and fighting for Justice? I’m not really sure how this breaks down, admittedly. Maybe there’s more than one spectrum going on here. 

Anywho, my confession is that I tend to panic before I avoid. I also tend to act before I offer “thoughts and prayers”. I believe my propensity for action is one of my God given strengths. Unfortunately, as easy as it is for a thoughts and prayers kind of person to become avoidant or complacent, I too can move into panic and flailing, without much difficulty.

Obviously if I could will myself to hit the 50% mark 100% of the time, I totally would! My panic definitely seems to trigger those who avoid… and I think the opposite is true too. I think we can learn from each other and I want to. I’m ready to become more well-rounded (in demeanor, not physical shape haha)

I believe there is beauty to be found here, of course after I’m done flailing and having a temper tantrum 😅 I’m frustrated with myself because no matter how hard I try and beg and pray and plead, I am still plagued by this idiosyncrasy.  It’s a thorn in my side.  It drives people I love absolutely bonkers and I think ultimately pushes them to a place of  anxiety and avoidance… leaving me to panic, alone. 

As God pulled me into this unique state of suffering, pruning, whatever this now 7-weeks-of-spiritual-battle is, I have been asking Him to reveal to me what He is trying to teach me, change in me…. I know this is the process of leveling up but man…. I’m growing tired of the crash and burn. 

Jesus promises that his ‘yoke’ is light and easy. I’m totally down for taking up any kind of yoke that is light and easy! Yes, please!!!

What am I doing wrong?

I’ve had a suspicion for a while that there may be something more going on here. 

I grew up in a charismatic church. I was surrounded by teaching that focused on spiritual warfare and how to bind up and cast out demons and strongholds. I believe there may be a stronghold in or over my life and that might be why this problem keeps popping up all over the place. I am not avoidant, I’m introspective and introjective, so  I try to stay on top of things like this. I don’t want to be the reason for my own suffering. 

In the past 7 weeks, this stronghold seems to become more and more….strong. 

I believe the stronghold might be anger…. Anger, contempt, unforgiveness, misunderstanding. There’s probably more and I would welcome other’s thoughts on this matter. I would also welcome a gentle naming or calling out of how you see me participating/strengthening this stronghold. I am very aware that my own anger, unforgiveness, misaligned introjections, pride, arrogance, and contempt plays a huge part in the strength of this stronghold. It is hard for me to consider different perspectives because I am so internally focused and have SO MANY THOUGHTS. Obviously, I don’t want to be this way. I want to see the truth and participate actively and willingly in this necessary growth. I want to be a sage, a calm meek soul….but that’s just not me haha….

This is me…. “these weirdos” lol

Another reason I’m writing and sharing is because I can’t hold other’s perspectives while I am full of mine. There doesn’t seem to be a deep enough well for all my thoughts, feelings, and pain. I’m really trying. Please trust that I have rebuked, surrendered, laid down my life, taken up my cross, forsaken myself, honored myself– I have tried every approach I could think of, learned, and was told to try. NOTHING WORKS! So, I’m trying this (public blog) because it’s what feels right for me. And, honestly, it’s working. Today anyway 🙂 It will probably change tomorrow cuz God likes to keep me on my toes. 😅

The point: I would love it if fellow believers could join me in praying that the Holy Spirit reveals this stronghold and resolution to me so I can cast it out in Jesus name and be done with this love and life and growth killer once and for all!!!

A few nights ago Bryce anointed me with oil and we prayed that the stronghold would be released in Jesus name. I am actually feeling a little lighter which is just positively AMAZING. 

Would you be willing to join me in asking God to reveal the strongholds in and around my life and join me in binding them up and casting them out? I have been feeling the weight of captivity for too long. I’m weary. I want peace and joy and love and reconciliation. 

Thank you ❤

Honest. Kind. Shine. 

How to Break Strongholds and Keep them Broken!

https://www.victorious.org/pub/breaking-strongholds-141

1. AUTHORITY — Every believer has the right to use the authority of Jesus’ name to bind and take authority over Satan’s activities. “No one can enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man, and then he will plunder his house” (Mark 3:27). Issue a spoken command to the devil that he is bound and he must leave the stronghold! Exercising authority in the name of Jesus will expel the Devil’s influence. “And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues…” (Mark 16:17).

2. INTERCESSION — Come together with other believers to pray and intercede against strongholds until you get results. There is intensified power in the gathering of more believers. Prayer with fasting intensifies faith, and faith will break strongholds. “Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast him out? …However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:19,21).

3. DISPLACEMENT — Establish the presence of God. Where Satan has been commanded to leave, fill it up with God’s presence. Where the presence of the Lord is, the Devil isn’t! Satan doesn’t want to hang around where people are lifting up Jesus in worship, in singing and prayer. The presence of the Lord displaces the Devil. “For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

4. RESISTANCE — Submit yourselves and draw close to God. The Bible says this is how we resist Satan and he will flee. The Devil runs from submitted, yielded Christians who pray, fast, worship and humble themselves to follow and obey God’s Word. “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).

5. OCCUPATION — Give no place or vacancy to the Devil. With Satan departed, fill the void with God. Let righteousness be the standard rule and behavior. Provide no pocket of rebellion, corruption or immorality in which Satan can find refuge to rebuild his influence or strength. The scripture says to not “give place to the devil” (Eph. 4:27).

6. FORTIFICATION — Clothe yourself with God’s armor. Take upon you daily, the full array of God’s spiritual equipment that you may maintain battle-ready status. With the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit (God’s Word) and the other links of armor (Eph. 6:13-17), you will be ready to resist any satanic assault, and will be ready to engage the strongholds in others. “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11).