I feel called, inspired, and have a strong desire to teach.
You may or may not know, I’ve been deeply wounded by the traditional Christian church and how the masses have interpreted and taught some scriptures. Especially scriptures around Satan, love and marriage, God, and sin.
I’ve spent ten years deep in prayer, study, and discernment… Pulling apart scripture and the teachings I received and testing it against what I KNOW to be true- which is that God is Love.
It’s taken me this long to admit to myself what Love really is.
Side note… I’ve always loved this song. Since 2002. I can confidently say that I absolutely KNOW what love is now and I absolutely KNOW what I want 🥰❤️🔥
I held a lot of conservative evangelical beliefs and teachings around these things and this indoctrination has caused me a lot of confusion, heartache, and pain.
I believe God is calling me to join the masses of those who grew up in the 90s purity culture, toxic Christian masculine, hell-evil-Satan obsessed theology who are calling themselves exvangelicals.
Some are completely renouncing their faith. (Not me).
Some are teaching the Truth (me).
Some are providing safe and empathetic spaces for those like me to heal (this is also me).
God is calling me to teach. To set the record straight. To turn these theologies right side up and align it all with love.
Who knows what’s going to come out of this. I’m trusting God for inspiration and flow. I’m learning A LOT. I’ve studied A LOT. I also have a very deep and personal relationship with God and for the first time in my life I can confidently say that he is still speaking. And because I’ve healed and I’m healing, I can confidently say that God is speaking through me. He’s always tried. He speaks to all of us all the time. We just have to remove the blocks that are in the way to hearing his voice.
In another post, I’ll share what those blocks were/are for me.
I’m not perfect nor do I claim to be. I may misspeak or mishear God and as a result give incomplete teaching. I’m not a master and I don’t claim to be. But I’m not going to wait to teach until I’m perfect because then… It will never happen. So, as with all things, use your discernment and talk to God about what I say here.
I’ll never say “you must believe this” and I’ll never say that I know everything. I am a child of God… I am not God. But, God is speaking through me. And this is how it’s supposed to be… For all of us! We’re supposed to hear God. We’re supposed to receive inspiration from God. God is active and speaking NOW. Not just in a 2000+ year old text 😬😅 You can scripture check that! 💖😁
So, stay tuned for some new interpretations. I hope it enlightens, brings clarity and peace, and helps you understand God in a deeper, more loving way ❤️
I needed to take a break and get clear on some things.
I received the best gift on valentines day, a completely unexpected look in the mirror. 🌹
This helped me to reconsider some ways I was thinking about myself and my life… It challenged me to grow in ways that I wasn’t expecting. That’s what a twin flame is first… Your teacher ❤️🔥
I started my twin flame ascension journey in October. A significant part of this journey is education through awareness, which is imparted to me by my spiritual teachers, Jeff and Shaleia, and their students in recorded classes called Twin Flame Ascension School (TFAS) through Twin Flames Universe . (Shameless plug- hands down the best investment I’ve EVER made… And I don’t even “talk” to my twin flame!!!!!!!!! 🌹❤️🔥🌹). More on this another day 🥰
When I took the leap of faith into this twin flame community I had no idea!!!! it was an ascension journey. I just was DESPERATE to understand our relationship and the unique struggles we were having. NONE of my MFT training, biblical understanding, or life experience made ‘us’ make sense.
I. was. desperate.
In October I didn’t really even know what ascension was other than knowing that Jesus ascended and I think two others in the old testament did too. But the stories I was told were that they were on earth one moment and gone the next.
Growing up in a charismatic church, I was no stranger to the concept of rapture. As a child I can remember having thoughts and questions about rapture and the end times that no one really seemed to know how to answer.
I carried these thoughts and questions into adulthood and anytime I felt remotely comfortable in a religious space I’d poke around and start asking questions. Long story short, I never received satisfying answers. I began to just file rapture and end times under the “lean not on your own understanding” label.
But still… It stuck with me.
It stuck with me so much that 6-8 years ago or so… I thought rapture happened while I was at a women’s retreat! I’m serious!!! I woke up in the middle of the night to what sounded like an orchestra of trumpets!!! I jumped up, looked out the window, expecting to see Jesus rolling out of the clouds… He wasn’t.
I was a kid in the 90s and remember the day our local Christian radio station came on the air- WGRC. And that’s all we listened to. Christian music. So, naturally, there are a few old school songs that have stuck with me… Here’s a fav of mine, I still sing it almost every day!
So the lyrics are “behold he comes, riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, at the trumpets call”
I’m not sure if I got the idea of rapture from this song, from scripture or sermon, or from Kirk Cameron… But it is carved into my consciousness… Jesus is coming when the trumpets sound!!!!
(Funny side note …. I had posted a video of a recording in Spain or somewhere, also about 6-8 years ago, of a weird anomaly where the wind was blowing through this city in such a way that it was causing a loud trumpet sound! The video was sooo cool. I posted it with those Twila lyrics and a friend commented and said “trumpets or Trump-Pence?” 😱😳🤯 Needless to say, Jesus did not come rolling out of the clouds at the Trump-Pence call… But, it’s thought provoking, ay?)
There’s also this really cool scene in The Chosen, season 2 special episode where Mary is giving birth and Joseph looks out the window and the sky!!!!! OMG!!!! It’s glorious. A must watch series and brace yourself for this episode… So good.
I digress. So, I’m at this Christian women’s retreat, at a Mennonite Retreat Center, I mean, it’s just pure and perfect AF, and I wake up to this MASSIVE trumpet sound. I’m not talking about one trumpet. I’m talking like 12 days of Christmas trumpets, at least!!!! 🤣
So, nothing’s going on outside. Just stars and moon. I look over to my prayer warrior, spiritual mentor, for-sure-going-to-heaven friend, Gina… She’s asleep. I make sure her body is there and that she’s breathing because Left Behind got me all anxious worried I could mistake her just clothes for her body.
Okay so, she’s still there… But asleep. And I begin to wonder if I’m losing it. I’m too afraid and ashamed to go out of my room so I just crawl back into bed and pray myself back to sleep.
So next morning, everyone’s still there! Rapture indeed did not happen!
We go to breakfast and I start telling people my story, while laughing of course… I mean… I thought rapture happened. Some are hysterical, some look at me like I’m cray, I’m no stranger to embarrassment.
WELL PTL, one of the sweet Mennonite women heard me and while serving me breakfast said that this happens from time to time and I’m not the only one who’s heard it!
She tells me that it’s something about the way the wind blows through the (indoor) hallway, hits the storage of metal folding chairs, and makes a trumpet sound. Whew. I’m not losing my mind. LOL. Funny story.
So, this brings me back to my weird interest in rapture… The only word and reference I had for ascension.
Rapture was a mostly scary idea to me, even as a 33 year old. I think the Left Behind series messed a lot of us up 😳😬 thanks Kirk 😂
So, I suppose it’s a good thing that I didn’t know the twin flame thing I was getting into was a “rapture” journey because I might have been like ummmm no thanks, I’ll stay here with everyone else lol
So just in case you are like me and don’t know… Rapture and ascension? Not the same thing 🤣
So, now that I’ve been on this incredible journey for 5+ months, I now have a very deep understanding of this work and ascension. I feel like I can speak more confidently about it, about twin flames, and absolutely say with 100% certainty that this is a true spiritual journey into Christ consciousness and spiritual mastery.
I had no idea. But God did. And he heard my desperate cries for help and my heart and mind were/are open enough that he knew he could give me this work and I wouldn’t squander it.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
In February I had just begun my trauma healing through Mind Alignment Process and I was in major upheaval. I talk about upheaval here, but I’ll probably circle back around as I’m now in my 10th week and I have gained such a huge understanding of well… A lot 🥰
It’s 4am and I should probably sleep… But here’s my plan….
There are three points I want to cover, or questions I want to answer, as I make my return-to-blogging debut.
1. What is ascension and what do twin flames have to do with it?
2. What I learned from looking in the mirror. 🪞
3. Why are some of my posts now password protected???
I’m going to write on these things over the next couple days. Until then, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with me through the long haul 😘 it’s been 163 days since I began this internal journey and I’ve healed my childhood sexual abuse trauma, abandonment/attachment trauma, and I’m clearing codependency, fear, doubt, scarcity, and separation from my vibration.
It’s a freaking miracle. I’ve experienced a miracle.
Thank you God. Thank you Jeff&Shaleia, thank you to my coach and practitioner, and so many thanks to my ascension buddies. I couldn’t do this without this support. GOD IS SO GOOD y’all! And this is why I write. Because I want to give you the gift of love and healing that has been given to me 🥰
I’m becoming a new creation. Just like Jesus promised 🥰❤️🔥🥰
Listening to Landslide by Judah and the Lion (a Fleetwood Mac remake- better imo 😬) and contemplating the last 39 years of my life. If you take a listen I think you’ll get a window into my life, as it is and as it’s been.
The lyrics are just… almost too much to bear without filling a bucket of tears.
Took my love and I took it down I climbed a mountain, then I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills ‘Til the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’ ‘Cause I’ve built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older Well, I’m getting older too…
10 years ago I made a commitment to someone I love that I would climb ‘our mountain’…. and then I turned around….and then the landslide brought me down.
I’ve always struggled with my relationships with men. It’s a bit dark? deep? to talk about this on my birthday but it’s what’s on my heart…
I’ve shared here and there that I have a complex relationship with my father. Come this December it will be 10 years since we’ve had any interaction.
About ten years ago, someone close to me contacted me- she was very concerned. She shared that my dad had messaged one of her daughters in the middle of the night (she was a very young teenager at the time) and the message made her feel really uncomfortable. This person close to me was aware of my dad’s history (I’ll share below) and asked me to talk to my dad about his behavior. She wanted to call the police. The interaction was obviously concerning and compelled me to address my dad. I had just turned 29 when I had to have this conversation with my DAD.
What is your relationship with your dad like? Does he respect the boundaries and innocence of you, your friends, others? Does he call you on your birthday? Does he allow you to have your own special moments?
Bryce has allowed me to witness what a good father looks like. I’m grateful.
My father was not a good father.
Don’t get me wrong, we had some good moments.
My dad was the fun parent. He was like us kids, loved to play video games, listen to music, be silly. My dad is an artist, an author- he’s very very talented. He loves psychology, science, and philosophy. He’s incredibly intelligent. Emotional. Deep. Pensive. Creative. Expressive…
Sound familiar?
I haven’t wanted to be but the truth is…I am so much like my dad.
I have wanted to deny this, run from it, not admit it. Because I was afraid. Afraid if I expressed myself fully I would turn into him, or even worse- be accused of things he’s done. My dad doesn’t live by the “rules”. Even to this day the way he lives is life is outside of what’s considered “normal”. He’s not a productive member of society.
My dad was never held accountable for what he did to me. He was never held accountable for the many many ways he made so many of my friends uncomfortable by making me/them the object of his sick desires.
The fucking hard thing is…I love my dad. I miss him. I want to have a relationship with a father. And I don’t. I can’t. He’s toxic and dangerous. I must protect myself and my daughter. He will never ever have any kind of access to her because he’s an abuser.
This is very hard to write.
I have been conditioned to “respect my mother and father” and I think they and most people would prefer if I didn’t air my dirty laundry (and the alternative is???? let it stink up my house???)
Childhood abuse makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to admit that their own father was both the object of their love and also their destruction.
How awful and confusing that is. I was just a little girl. I had no voice. I had no one to protect me. No one knew. I didn’t talk about it for TEN YEARS.
Apparently I’m good at keeping secrets for a decade 😦
My mom didn’t know. No one knew. No one knew what he did to me. And I’m not going to write it here because it’s just….awful.
But I will say this…. because of who he is, how he objectified me and every little girl he had access to, he made me not trust myself. He made me detach my mind from my brain. He traumatized me. He robbed me of my innocence.
He refuses to take ownership and be held accountable for his actions which is why I have severed him from my life. I’m not happy about it. I’m not over here celebrating the fact that my dad is a pedophile. It is the worst family secret that could ever exist. Imagine having to hold that in your heart and mind your whole life.
I was never given a space to talk about it, to heal. I can’t even count how many people have said, “it make you stronger”, “he did his best”, “maybe if you…”, “you need to forgive”… I don’t think people understand how hurtful statements like this are. So many people have implied that it was somehow my fault, my responsibility. If you’ve EVER thought anything like this about a victim of childhood abuse (or any abuse, for that matter) YOU are part of the problem and have blood on your hands.
It wasn’t my fault.
The 1990s weren’t trauma informed or kid-positive so my brain just did it’s best to figure out how to deal.
As a result I have ongoing trauma triggers, flashbacks, unwanted memories, and I’ve had LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of confusion and heartache around parenting, love, sex, my body, and MEN.
My mom never dated or remarried so I virtually had no positive male role models in my life, especially before I was 16. I had a grandfather and a few uncles, but we weren’t close in a way that I needed. It’s not their fault. In today’s other post I share how much I crave intimacy- being seen, known, and loved. For at least 10 years (probably 10-20 years old) the darkest and most devastating part of my life was unseen and unknown by anyone but me…and him. Secrets are intimate. These kind of secrets are killers. Killers of mind, body, and soul. It’s a freaking miracle that my life has gone the way it has. Someone must have really been praying for me, looking out for me. Apparently her name was Elaine ❤
The landslide lyrics are tough to hear but also so healing.
I have built my life around four different men, trying to find love, trying to find wholeness and healing. Some people get lucky and do find healing in their relationships. I actually think that’s how it’s supposed to be. We are built for community. Finding your tribe is a real and necessary thing– consider yourself incredibly blessed if you feel like your tribe- whoever you decide that to be- gets you–all of you.
Time has made me bolder. I’m writing- something I’ve been scared to do for so many reasons but a significant one is because I don’t want to be my dad. I love to write. But it’s suuuuperrrrr triggering. I remember days, weeks, years of my dad pouring all of his energy into his books, into his art, and into his love for little girls. Even as I type this I could just scream. Or barf. Or both, at the same time.
It is the worst feeling ever to love someone who destroyed you.
So here it is, my 39th birthday. I won’t get a call from him, I won’t get a card. I won’t hear ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’. As far as I know, I’m dead to him. All because I spoke the truth and set a very very firm boundary.
Lots of people don’t have a dad. Lots of people were physically, sexually, emotionally abused by their fathers. Lots of people cut off contact with their dad (or mom) for their own protection and mental health.
I don’t think many people have a dad like mine though. So gifted, so wounded, so deep and profound, but also so… dangerous.
Usually I’m okay. I can find joy in watching Bryce parent Anna. I find peace in knowing that we’re protecting her body, mind, and soul. I am able to love myself, parent myself in ways I wasn’t. I’ve worked really hard to not be triggered and in my trauma unconsciously. Because it’s UGLY and crazy when it shows up. It makes me mean. It makes me misunderstand nearly everyone’s intentions, especially men.
I don’t see men as dangerous. That’s not how it shows up for me. I see men as indifferent towards me. There are a few men I cherish and they are the one’s that get the brunt of my trauma projections. You didn’t call on my birthday? Must mean you don’t love me. You forgot about me, didn’t celebrate me, didn’t notice or give me special moments? Must mean I’m unlovable…trash…unworthy.
My abuse taught me that I am unworthy of the basic human right to bodily autonomy. To be protected, safe, and loved as a little girl. He robbed me.
So, thirty-nine is the year that I am taking my life back, out of his hands, out of any man’s hands that I’ve surrendered my self-worth to. I’m taking my life back, I’m taking my heart back. I’m taking my body back. I’m taking my mind back. It’s all mine now and I’m not going to let anyone anywhere implicitly or explicitly define my worth.
I’m also going to fight like hell for the things I want, for the love I deserve.
It’s taken me thirty nine years but I finally know what I want. I finally know what I deserve. I won’t settle for anything less. I would rather be alone.
If you can’t grow or change to become what I want and need, then you’re not right for me. You may be a decent human. You may be everything someone else wants or needs. But if you like the person I am- deep, passionate, loving, expressive, full of light and love- then you might have to work on your shit. You might have to grow. You’ll probably be stretched and made uncomfortable.
Go out on a limb– that’s where the fruit is 🙂
Not everyone is able or willing to let go of their patterns that hold then back or hold them in sick places, like pedophilia for my dad…
Newsflash though…the universe will continue to present you with opportunities to confront your demons. Don’t think you can escape it. There’s no better motivator than love. I hope you choose love.
We outgrow people who won’t grow with us.
Most people just want to stay safe…but as they do they stay in their pain, in their lies, in all the things that hold them captive. I know because I’ve been there.
I’m giving myself the gift of freedom.
Freedom from lies. Freedom from captivity. Freedom from triggers. Freedom from dogma. Freedom from judgement. Freedom from death. Freedom from smallness. Freedom from scarcity. Freedom from him.
Keturah Mae Shine 