Keturah Mae Shine

Village Agitation

August 14th, 2022

A Stranger Things analogy

I’m realizing that in yesterday’s post I responded to a request to not publicly share my (our…) story. (See Village Anxiety). This request, because it was made by someone I love and don’t want to upset, sent me into a bit of a shame spiral and caused me to doubt myself, my soul, my needs.

Being a human is hard. Setting and responding to boundaries is hard. As I tell my clients, all of life is boundaries. Healing comes when we can discern when it’s appropriate to have looser boundaries, rigid boundaries, and flexible boundaries. We have to be flexible and have nuance as adults with our boundary setting because every relationship and circumstance calls for a different type of boundary. Admittedly, this has been difficult for me to sort out as I tend to float on the looser end of the boundary spectrum in most areas of my life.

This isn’t a post about boundaries. I’ll save that for another day. But… this is a post about boundaries… in the sense that sometimes we just have to do what we know is right even if others don’t like it or understand. Remember, I’m a recovering people pleaser and codependent so I constantly have to remind myself that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. But, this also doesn’t mean I can go around doing whatever I want with reckless abandon.

Choices have consequences. I’m trying to be very very careful about how often and under what circumstances I enforce rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries tend to hurt people more directly than loose boundaries, especially when used to escape, force, manipulate, or control. If any of my writing feels abusive, manipulative, hurtful, or offensive – please come and talk to me about your feelings. I want to work it out with you and be at peace with you.

This brings me to my next analogy…

Village Agitation.

So, if you haven’t watched Stranger Things you might have a hard time with this one. Fortunately, the story arc of Stranger Things is similar to every other group adventure story so I think you’ll be able to pick up what I’m putting down.

Stranger Things is a TV show on Netflix about a girl Named 011 (Eleven or El) who has super mind powers. There is an evil world called the “Upside down” and the evil in this world haunts a small town, Hawkins.

Spoilers! 🚨

At about 11-13? years old, Eleven is found in the woods by her soon to be besties. It’s set in the 80s and the kids play Dungeons and Dragons (I’ve never played); much of the evil and story, I gather, is D&D inspired. The series carries on through four seasons of El fighting the evil with her powers and her “village”, her tribe, her friends, at her side.

The past couple days my husband and I have been transferring anxiety and agitation back and forth as we process my secret and how this affects our life- today and in the future.

What we’re going through as a couple, along with a few others- one very intimately involved and others aware but just as shaken up- it’s just a lot.

At any given time we are experiencing grief- shock, anger, sadness, bargaining… We are experiencing overwhelming anxiety, panic, fear, etc etc etc. Lots of heavy emotions in and around us. It’s A LOT.

I’m having a hard time doing much of anything. The kids are at my in-laws and I really thought I’d get some cleaning done, projects, laundry… ya know, normal life stuff. Hasn’t happened. In fact, I can barely eat. We are in crisis.

If you’ve seen Stranger Things, you know that at different times the evil seems to get agitated and start affecting Hawkins. The kids all join together and figure out how to help El defeat the mind flayer, Billy, and Vecna. El seems to carry the burden as she’s the one who has the amazing mind powers. Still, her friends ask no questions and stand by her, go to battle with and for her, and require no apologies or praises. After all, they’re fighting evil. It’s D&D irl.

I suppose I’m feeling…. jealous.

My village is agitated. My tribe is freaking out. We’re all shaken up…everyone in their own way is dealing with feelings, worries, fear. It’s normal and healthy to react to an explosion. I appreciate how much my people care and I appreciate that this not only deeply affects me, but it affects them too. Everyone’s entitled to their own process.

Here’s the rub. And… I’m just being honest. These are just my feelings, not an indictment of anyone or everyone. Clearly, if you’re here reading this- you’re supporting me!!!! THANK YOU!

My honest feelings… And I’m only sharing them because I KNOW we’ve alllllllll been here. We’re like El, carrying a burden too big to bear alone and what we need is our tribe to come in and be strong.

I need a tribe who’s willing to see me, hold lots of space, try to understand before making assumptions, and remember how burdensome this is for me… it sucks because everyone is acting like my storm is happening TO them. I guess I’ve been really codependent with a lot of people.

Most of my tribe has been supportive. I’m so grateful. But if I’m being honest…. Which I am…

I feel like I need more. I never ask for more. I feel like a narcissist or like an ungrateful petulant toddler. So many people say I should just be grateful. Like I’m not already grateful!!!!

Can you imagine how Stranger Things would have turned out without Hopper, Wil, Dustin, Max, Nancy, and Eddie…. Ughhhh Eddie. 😭

Where would Eleven be without her tribe?

I’m really struggling, friends. If you’ve come this far, thank you. I know how hard it is to slow down and take time out for someone in need. Especially when those needs seem unfixable, are triggering, or leave you feeling powerless.

It’s easier to just keep a distance and call it a boundary. Depending on your view of this you might even turn into a Billy or another character that pisses on El’s gift and increases the presence of Demogorgons. Just do me a solid and don’t be that guy.

Hopper vs Demogorgon

This song is dope

Honest. Kind. Shine
Guard Your Heart.

August 14th, 2022
A trauma trigger storm.

Trigger warning: this post may be triggering due to content that alludes to childhood abuse and heavy emotional expression. If you believe this may be difficult for you to read, please feel free to skip it. If you would like to read it, please contact someone you trust if you need to process what you’ve read/your thoughts and feelings. Take care of YOU. ❤

(I’m adding time stamps for reference of how this all went down).

8/11/2022 4:30 pm

Yesterday’s post threw me for a loop… The Secret .

The way I’ve interpreted Proverbs 4:23, the way it’s been interpreted for me, has deeply affected me. Meditating on it and trying to rewrite my beliefs around it almost paralyzes me.

I’ve heard of writer’s block. I wonder if this is what it feels like. I’m going to try to push through because after all…that’s what this is for. My raw, real, thoughts. They’re not perfected. I think that’s actually part of the ‘problem’. I believed that in order to share my heart, it had to be “perfect”. My thoughts have to be perfect, my beliefs have to be perfect. If I’m not perfect then I’ll fuck everything up and then my misery will all be my fault. Oy, talk about shame and limiting beliefs.

Where the hell did I pick this up? Hell- that will give you a clue.

Here’s what I know about Satan…evil…whatever you want to call it. At least, this is what I’ve been told and what I’ve learned to believe. Satan pays attention. He doesn’t bother the ones who are doing his destruction for him. His mission: steal, kill, destroy. So if a ‘fruit’ is missing- look for how you might have aligned with the dark side. For instance, comparison is the thief of joy. If we’re busy checking social media, comparing our child to another child… our relationship to another relationship etc… Well, we are surrendering our joy. Satan doesn’t need to do any work if we’re busy doing it for him.

We all struggle with different aspects of the human condition. We can usually figure out where Satan is going snatch us by evaluating our feelings. Lots of well meaning people think that the antidote is to not have any feelings. Or, figure out how to numb all the uncomfortable ones. Just avoid avoid avoid. Admittedly, this is what I thought I was supposed to do with my secret. I got so good at dismissing, denying, stuffing, and rebuking (YES I EVEN REBUKED IT!) that I actually began to have ‘peace’. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months… In the process of listening to the lie, that I thought was Scripture, Satan stole my voice, killed my truth, and nearly destroyed something pure.

I didn’t realize this until June 27th 2022. I had “guarded” my heart so well that it lost touch with my soul.

Let me explain…

In June of 2012 I had a life changing experience. I’m not going to share what it was in this post…that’s for a different day. But…it changed me. It took my world and everything in it and shook me upside down. All the change and chachkies came flying out of all my pockets…. Shit flying everywhere… Everything I thought I knew about love, God, people, myself… flipped. Upside Down.

Have you seen Stranger Things? It’s like that. One minute I was right side up, the next… I’m Upside Down. Because of my choices, I was now in hell. Far from God. A sinner in need of repentance. Not only was it just me in hell, but I had taken people there with me.

…4 hours later…

8/11/2022 9:00 pm

Because I’m getting honest, here’s the truth. I was writing this at 4:30 and in the middle, I got super triggered. I’ll explain why in a future post, but in this post I want to share what happened, my raw real time trigger storm.

I was sitting here, thinking about what to write and how to say what I want to say. You’ll see above that I started to write. I haven’t edited it and I’m not going to because it is raw, confused, deep, emotional thought that came before the trauma trigger flood. I’m sharing this whole process because
1. Trauma recovery SUCKS. Our world is not trauma informed. Hell, not even psychiatric hospitals are trauma informed. (I know this because I used to work in one and THIS was one of my many huge beefs with that system). I believe in creating a better, trauma informed world. And as Ghandi would have it, I am being the change I want to see. We don’t need to be ashamed of the trauma we experienced. We shouldn’t be shamed for how our nervous system responds to triggers. But, we are. We’re called crazy, clingy, obsessive, too much… or we’re called narcissists, psychopaths, manipulators, assholes. We could stop all this hate if we understood trauma.
2. If you have a trauma past, you’re not alone!!! I want this to be a place where you see someone like me: a Christian, a mom, a wife, a marriage and family therapist, a flawed human doing real life in the raw. So many of our heroes have taught us that God only calls the equipped. The perfected. The flawless. Well, I’m here to tell you that this is simply NOT TRUE. This is ‘hot sloppy mess express’ rolling in ‘toot toot!’ and being stripped and equipped every step of the way! All aboard the best kind of crazy train. We’re all a little mad here but we are also “awkward, brave, and kind” (Thanks, Brené Brown <3).
So, here’s what happened. I started trying to rethink and reframe “guard your heart” and it sent me into a trigger storm… Here’s an edited version of what I wrote. It’s edited because it’s written to someone. I want to protect their identity so I made adjustments…

8/11 5:35 pm:

“I’m really trying. I want to give you exactly what you want but you need to tell me what you want. Please. This silence and not following through is so triggering. It’s not necessarily YOU that’s triggering me. It’s the process. Please let me explain.

Ten years ago I confronted [person] about [my trauma]. He denied it and hasn’t spoken to me since. As much as [he] is an asshole, I still love him. You know me, my heart is big and wide open. I’ve tried so hard to follow everyone’s advice and just be angry with him, hate him, make him dead to me, etc etc etc. The same stupid advice everyone gave me to deal with you, too. (There’s a difference which is why I’m writing to ‘you’). I haven’t tried to contact [my abuser] since I sent him one letter [many years ago] making my boundary clear and he never responded. To make my boundary make sense to him he had to make up lies about me. Whatever, I don’t care. I know who I am and his ideas don’t define me. Unfortunately, I’m still a [person] who gets so fucking sad sometimes that [these are the cards I was dealt]. To him, I’m not worth an apology, ownership, time, space, nothing. I don’t want to whine or complain… But I do want to convey how incredibly painful it is to love someone who hates you. How incredibly painful it is to love someone who’s alive but in order to cope I have to make him DIE. There’s no other way to cope. Sometimes I have peace and sometimes I don’t. Right now, it is really hard to find peace. This whole thing that’s [happening between us], even though it’s obvious that you don’t want it, is so fucking triggering. It’s not your fault. And no, you don’t have to be a part of my process. You don’t owe me anything. You’ve already given so much of yourself to me and now it seems like you didn’t even want to give most? all? of what you gave. I don’t know what sense to make out of this but it’s not good sense. It has me tossing you in the same category as [person] and [name]!!!!!!! I don’t want to do that to you! To US! I’m so sorry I’m pushy. I swear I’m not pushy like this anywhere else in my life. As it stands, six weeks into this hell I’ve been living in, I can make you die in my mind and heart or I can share this with you. I’m hoping that understanding my trigger will help you find some compassion for me. I’m hoping that you’ll take my heart and hold it with tenderness, respect, and care. I want to work on my triggers. But I don’t want to do it alone. Please don’t leave me suffering in silence and empty commitments.”

8/11/2022 10:30 pm

I’m tired and need a break. I’m scheduling this to post on Sunday 8/14. This one’s hard to hit ‘publish’ but I’m doing it anyway. Do it afraid. Feel free to ask questions but be gentle with your statements.

Honest. Kind. Shine.
Teachers.

August 13th, 2022

I thought it could be helpful to share what I’m reading, listening to, who my teachers are and who has helped me on this journey of freedom and fire. I’ll be updating this list so be sure to check back ❤️

I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for those who have gone before me.

We belong to each other and I’m grateful for all the wisdom in my life ❤️❤️❤️

My spiritual teachers

Holy Post podcast

Truce podcast

The Bible Project

What I’m reading right now… The Power of Now

What I’m listening to….

We can do hard things

Esther Perel – Where should we begin

Music for my soul

Stay tuned for lots more ❤️
The Secret.

August 13th, 2022

I’ll just be upfront. It’s going to take a minute for it all to come out. This is a long game, friends. I hope you’ll be patient with me as I work it out. Like every good story, mine has a lot of groundwork to be laid (lain? loin? ha) before I can build my castle.

In order to get it you have to know how I got here.

This secret, my secret, was a secret to me until about six weeks ago. It’s not a secret that I’ve kept intentionally. It’s not like I’ve been walking around with a ticking time bomb. I haven’t been worried that someone was going to poke me and I would just explode with it. I thought I dealt with it. I thought ‘it’ was DONE.

I didn’t even know it was there.

Remember, in my last post, Pearls Before Swine, I shared that I’m a very vulnerable person. This is a badge of honor I wear as I believe being authentic and vulnerable in a world of robots is a difficult achievement.

There’s a bible verse that says, “guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. (Proverbs 4:23) Wellllllll…. Lots of people who have seen me hurting would say, ‘you’re hurting because you’re not guarding your heart, Kitty”. I’ve interpreted this one scripture many different ways. I’ve heard it interpreted many different ways. When said to or about me, usually the message is ‘if you would keep your mouth shut then you wouldn’t say things to the wrong people and then you wouldn’t get hurt.’ After all, I am so easy to misunderstand, right? And no one really cares to hear what I (or anyone ) has to say, right??

Ugh, the messaging and programming we all have to undo. It’s hard work.

This bible verse alone has taken many different variations.

Here are some of my (very POOR) interpretations… Which ones have you believed?

‘Don’t say anything that people don’t want to hear. If you do, they will trample on it’ (look at me incorporating pearls before swine too!)

‘Your heart is where your lust is, so therefore you have to protect the world from your lust, your sin.’

‘Your heart is deceitful, you can’t trust it; you must shield it from the world.’

‘Oh, you feel “x”? That’s because you’re not guarding your heart. You can’t trust your feelings, they lie. So does your heart.’

‘No one will understand your heart so you must protect it from the world.’

‘If you reveal your heart to the wrong person you are responsible for their feelings and ultimately their destruction.’

‘If you share your feelings with the wrong person/people you are responsible for their reaction. If they hurt you in their response to your feelings, it’s your fault. You should have guarded your heart better.’

I think we get it. Even well-meaning Christians, myself included, sometimes have a really warped sense of Scripture. I’m not saying all of my interpretations are 100% wrong. What I am saying though is that these interpretations have really messed me up. As a result, I have taken MY truth and locked it away in the pit of my soul and threw away the key. This is how it became a secret I didn’t know I was keeping.

I’ve done this before. I will circle back around to this, too.

A while back, one of my favorite people said to me, “you are the most genuine person I’ve ever met”. Prior to this statement, I hadn’t thought of myself as a “genuine person”. In fact, I hadn’t really thought of myself as anything but me. I gathered that being genuine was something he valued, something rare. I still remember this special moment, how I felt so seen and known. After his comment, I began looking around and paying attention to other people… asking myself, ‘isn’t everyone genuine’? Nearly 30 years old and I had never thought that people would be anything but their real self. Funny how our own ‘self’ shapes how we see the world. Unlucky for me, I quickly and have endlessly realized how disingenuous most people are. I also quickly realized how REAL I am… you get what you see, folks… There are no surprises here.

Genuine. Authentic. Vulnerable. Real. These are words I have learned to use to describe myself since that dear friend of mine put a name to WHO I am. He helped me to see…me. What a gift.

“Well…well…well… how the turntables.” – Michael Scott (Office fans, anyone?)

All this was at least true until I realized that it wasn’t…………oh how the mighty have fallen.

I have a secret that I’ve kept burrowed deep deep down inside of me until well…. yeah, it exploded. Those who know me well, and those who have been paying attention to my social media have probably picked up on the hints I’ve dropped by asking for prayer and other things that I’ve been sharing here and there because well, I’ve been oozing with it. I have literally felt pain in my heart from all this love and grief and hope and lies and joy and soul crushing sadness.

Oh, I wish it was easy to explain. It’s not, hence why I’m here… writing this blog… my whole truth for the world to see because it just has to be known. I have to say it. I feel called to do this and I truly believe that God has prepared and equipped and continues to give me everything I need to do this.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Honest. Kind. Shine.
Village Anxiety

August 13th, 2022

Every day that I spend ‘in it’ (see ‘Garden State’ fireplace scene), more and more revelations come to me. I just realized this morning WHY I’m doing this– why I feel like I need to share my thoughts with the “world”.

I suppose there are many reasons why. Of course I had a ‘why’ prior to today, so I guess I should say, I discovered another facet of my why.

There are lots of reasons why I haven’t done this. ((see The Secret (releasing today at 1230) and Pearls Before Swine )). There are lots of reasons to keep everything to myself and/or a select few. Honestly, I think most people in my life, most people I really care about, would either straight out advocate for me to keep it all to myself or subtly imply that I shouldn’t share it. (see upcoming post– #MeToo)

It’s interesting that some people find people who wholeheartedly support their truth and process of revealing that truth. As I was listening to We Can Do Hard Things Podcast (you should seriously give it a listen…the most recent episode is on point!), someone shared that in their coming out process they had parents who were very supportive. They specifically stated, “I’m very lucky”. Everyone talking reflected how special this is- to have people in your life who see your light and not only let you shine, but encourage you to shine… (even if they get burned or blinded by the light in the process).

Not everyone is this lucky. Don’t get me wrong. I have lots of people in my life who, I truly believe, want to see me. If you know me and you’re here reading this, you are one of those people and I AM SO GRATEFUL. You haven’t failed me… I’m not angry with you or doing this out of spite or as a way to punish you. I’m hedging right now because I’m so sensitive to other people’s feelings, fears, anxiety, hang ups etc. Sadly, I’ve squashed myself to make you comfortable. That my friends is called Codependency. This topic alone deserves its own podcast…oh wait, there is one … you’re welcome 🙂

Part of this healing journey is moving out of codependency and into interdependence (not independence). Those who have depended on my codependency are likely the most anxious about this blog. Of course you are. My silence has kept your peace.

Peacemakers vs Peacekeepers

Five years of silence and ten years of forsaking myself for the sake of others has damn near killed me. I’m so worn out that since July 19th I can’t DO ANYTHING but write. I can’t not do this, friends. Unless you want me to die. For TEN years I’ve been slowly, painfully killing my soul and up until a few weeks ago, I was floating off into oblivion.

Which brings me to my newest ‘why’ facet.

For this, another analogy… or two.

Okay so, you know Frozen, right? Elsa has magic powers that no one knows about or understands. So she is believed to be dangerous and forced to stay locked in her room by her well-intentioned father. She then reveals her powers, oops, and finds a few people who love her for her and yay, the end.

Frozen 2… Elsa still feels out of place…alone… no one gets her. She hears a voice which leads her to her people, her “tribe”. She goes on a journey to “Show yourself

Step into the power

Grow yourself

Into something new

You are the one you’ve been waiting for

All of your life”

This blog is me acknowledging that I’ve been locked in my room, alone. No one knows the depth of pain I’ve suffered. No one knows how much I’ve cried and wanted to die. (Except for Bryce…Bryce mostly knows.) Still, staying locked in my room has made my powers stronger. It’s tempting to go build my own ice palace and live alone with a giant snow monster. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Thank God for the Annas in my life that want me to come home. You are an act of True Love.

This blog, this public process, this is me, stepping into my power, growing myself. I’ve waited for my tribe to find me, help me grow or grow with me.

Maybe I need to ‘show myself’ so we all can grow, so we can all step into our own power and grow something new.

The movie ends beautifully by Elsa giving up her role as queen and living in the magical forest with her tribe. She’s not alone anymore. She is found.

The truth is, I have been stuffing the truth so long that when it was activated it almost killed me (see Elsa: ice powers). I’m “coming out” (see: Let It Go ). There are people who are genuinely concerned and want to understand (see: Anna). There are people who don’t understand and have Village Anxiety and/or want me to STFU (see: Duke of “Weasel Town” 😂 ). Like Elsa, I’ve been silenced for years. I’ve locked away my truth, my light, my hope for the sake of people I love. Coronation day was June 27th 2022. I built my icy palace and thawed myself faster than the time it took to come out with Frozen 2….thank God!

I know this process makes you uncomfortable. I love you so I don’t want to be the source of your discomfort. Catch 22, rock and a hard place, conundrum………..

But I love myself MORE.

Five years of silence and ten years of holding it all in has made me very very very uncomfortable. We can both be a little uncomfortable and move through it or one of us gets to be set free while the other is held captive. I spent my time in captivity. I did my time. You did your time too! Let’s go through this together. Be my Anna, my Kristoff, my Olaf and Sven. Let’s tame and ride this Nokk into Ahtohallan and find the truth and grow something new ❤

Sometimes music says it better than I can

I was a-ready to die for you, baby
Doesn’t mean I’m ready to stay
What good is livin’ a life you’ve been given
If all you do is stand in one place?

Stay tuned for ‘why’ analogy #2– Stranger Things

Honest, Kind. Shine.

Update!:

Okay I found this and omg it’s great! I think they do a better job at explaining the whole analogy than I do. Enjoy ❤
Pearls Before Swine.

August 12th, 2022
Third post in and I’m going to actually start, I think.

As a therapist, I am always paying attention to how my clients set up their story. Do they dive right in? Or does it take them a few sessions to open up? Everyone is different and while I want to be a safe space where my clients can just ‘spill the tea’, everyone has a different process and that’s okay.

Me? I am a hedger. I tiptoe. Especially with people I don’t know if I can trust. I have always had difficulty being direct. Obviously, this is obvious lol. Three posts in and I’ve barely said anything of substance. With my husband and my friends I’m not usually this way… but I’m writing this for the world. I’m writing it for you. YOU you (iykyk) but also you- the one who has a hard time hearing hard stuff. I know, this is frustrating. To both me and the listener.

JUST GET TO THE POINT, KITTY! Ugh, if I had a nickel…

Well, sorry folks, but I’m still growing. And maybe at blog post #3297 I’ll just be able to SPIT IT OUT, but not today. This is my process and I’m allowing myself to have it. Kudos to those out there who can just blurt things out and deal with the consequences (or not). I’ve tried different styles of sharing and well, this one is just what works best for me. (A little insider tip for those who don’t care for tiptoeing or hedging, just skip the first 2 paragraphs or so until I get better at spilling the tea, lol)

Remember, Post #one I shared that I’ve kept a secret for TEN YEARS. I’m not just going to blurt it out. Frame it however you want. Am I stringing you along or am I setting the groundwork? I believe good foundations make it possible to build good houses. So this is me, setting the foundation. Despite what some may think, I don’t usually go around just dropping bombs. I try not to anyway.

In one of my first posts I shared that writing is difficult for me. Not because I don’t like writing (I DO!), but because writing, sharing my thoughts, my heart and soul, has a strong trauma attachment and trigger. I will share more about that in a future post, but “pearls before swine” is a part of that trauma story.

I’ve always been a vulnerable person. I have no problem sharing my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. Someday I’ll dive much deeper into this, but for now, we’ll just say it’s a super fun combo of personality + trauma + attachment + coping styles that makes me this way. I truly don’t mind laying it all out there for people to see. Unfortunately, people don’t always like or understand what they see or what they hear. And because of filters and programming, people seem to have lots of opinions. For the majority of my life, this equation: my heart + people’s opinions, has not worked out well for me. I’ve had to do all kinds of healing to get to a place where I can be me and not want to die. That’s heavy, I know. I’ll circle back.

People mean well. I know they do. But man, the TRUTH IS… “people” have hurt me, misunderstood me, invalidated me, and trampled on my heart (my thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences) with the things that they’ve said while trying to figure out what to do with my big ol messy heart.

Here’s an incomplete list of the shit people say/the beliefs I’ve developed as a result of the shit people say:
- Guard your heart
- Don’t throw your pearls at swine
- Don’t air your dirty laundry
- You’re exhausting
- No one wants to hear that
- TMI
- You’re flooding
- You’re oversharing
- This is too much
- You’re too much
- I don’t have time for this
- I can’t be part of your process
- You’re being dramatic
- Just stop thinking/feeling that way
- You’re not allowed to think/feel that
- Not everyone deserves to see your heart
- And on and on and on it goes….
Let me make one thing very very clear…. I’m not saying they’re wrong. I agree with or understand most of these statements, especially the biblical ones……….in principle. The problem is, like with most quippy saying and stupid things people say, is that if you say them to a CHILD or if you say them to someone who has been TRAUMATIZED and forced to keep a secret all their childhood… well, folks, you are then the ‘swine’. In trying to “help” me, my “friends”, family, therapists, pastors, etc etc etc have actually taken my pearls and trampled all over them. In trying to “help” me they actually hurt me. Just more reasons to keep it all stuffed in.

IYKYK, am I right?

Chances are, if you’re an unempathetic or unsafe person you probably won’t end up here so I can just be straight without worrying about “their” feelings. Because that’s what us big hearted people do. We care. We care so much about everyone else that we forsake ourselves and spend decades ruminating on what they say, and thus proving that no one will want to or be able to hear our heart.

I really only have two choices. I can continue doing some version of what I’ve done my whole life– keeping it all locked up for the most part and sharing bits and pieces with a select few “culturally approved” listeners or…… I can do what I’m doing right here right now and love myself HARD aaaaand bare it all for the world to see.

It’s what I want to do. It’s what my life thus far has set me up to do. I’ve worked through and I’m committed to being okay even if others are not okay with me. I believe it all will be for the GOOD of mankind. My prayer is that it glorifies God.

So, my friends, you have a choice. You can be safe or you can be swine. Maybe someday, when I get up on my therapist’s soap box, I’ll do a little lesson on how to hold space. Until then, just know that when someone cracks open and shares their heart with you, the last thing they need is comments or implications like those above. We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we filter information coming in. Which is why I’m doing this. I’m choosing to blog because people can choose to come here and read it. You can stop reading whenever you want and you can come back whenever you want. You can also ignore it and carry on.

I’ve spent too much of my life begging, pleading, and teaching those who “love” me how to listen. I’ve spent too much of my life begging and waiting around for someone to give me the basic human right to take up space. I have a voice and I’m going to use it. You don’t have to listen. I don’t need anyone or everyone to listen. I just need to put it all out there because I know that there has to be someone, someone just like me, who’s been silenced and caged and tamed and who wants to be set free but doesn’t know how to make it happen.

I’m going to be a part of the ‘Glennon Doyle movement’ in this world- untamed and brave, empowering, authentic, and free. ❤

Here are my pearls. Here is my heart. Ready or not, let’s ride.

Honest. Kind. Shine.
On Being A Therapist

August 12th, 2022

This blog thingy is interesting. I already have posts scheduled out to Sunday but this one feels like it needs to come out today. It’s becoming more and more clear to me what is actually going on with me and while I started this blog to tell my big secret, it’s also helping me peel back all the layers of this onion. Or cake…or parfait…everyone loves parfaits.

I sure hope someone gets my jokes and movie quotes…

Last night my husband and I went out for ice cream. The kids are at my in-laws, my request, or plea, rather, and so we’ve had a few very wide open days to talk, run and grab lunch, basically do whatever we want. It’s …. nice? It’s interesting… that’s for sure.

So we went for ice cream and while we were out I was unpacking all kinds of emotional shit. Which brought me to this statement: “Have I talked to you about my thoughts about work?” He replied with a statement indicating that I indeed had not caught him up on the latest developments of my work related thoughts.

Earlier in the day I was listening to the most recent episode of Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things Podcast. At the end of the podcast someone suggested to make a list of all the things you feel like you have to do. Then go down through the list and ask yourself, “Do I want to do this?” “Do I really have to do this?” Because I process super fast and really without consciously thinking I am, I suppose I got there, at least to one thing that I don’t want to do and I don’t have to do. It at least got me to the point where I was prompted to bring it up to my life partner.

It’s not that cut and dry, though. Being a therapist, for me anyway, comes with a greater joy and responsibility than just going to work for a paycheck. I’m not punching a time clock, I don’t hang out at a water cooler. I can’t waste hours playing mahjong or do any of my work mindlessly. I’m not judging those of you who are able to do any of this! I’ve had jobs like this too. Of course not every moment is wasting time away! But in nearly every job I’ve had, even other human services jobs, in an average 8 hour day there are plenty of opportunities to veg, space out, be careless, mindless, absent.

Not as a private practice, self pay, therapist. I am IN IT. ALL THE TIME. I’m not complaining. I LOVE my job. It’s more than just a job though. It’s a lifestyle. I have to be a certain kind of person, with certain ‘levels’ of growth and mindset, and personal/other insight to be one that is pursued and respected in my field. I’m in private practice which means all of my clients come to me either through word of mouth or through Psychology Today. If I’m a shitty therapist, that news is going to travel fast. As it should.

So those questions, what do you have to do and what do you want to do are very very layered and nuanced for me.

Do I have to work? Yes….and no…

Do I want to work? Yes….and no…

Maybe most people feel this way about their jobs. But unlike me, if I’m not in a good spot mentally, emotionally, spiritually– it’s unethical for me to work. It doesn’t matter how much I want to, how much I “need” the money, how guilty I feel for not working and all the ripple effects that causes. If at my core I know that I can’t hold safe space for my clients, for whatever reason, I can’t work. It’s unsafe, unethical, dangerous, irresponsible. I know other people have jobs where this is the case. Surgeons, forklift operators… There’s lots of us who have jobs where we have to be on our A game nearly 100% of the time. When you work for a company, there’s built in bs time. BS meetings, lunch breaks, scheduled time between meetings, meetings that you can totally skip out on if you have a headache or the poops. When you work for a company, you get paid for those often unplanned 20-40 minute “need-to-collect-myself” moments.

If this happens to me as a therapist, in my current work situation, which I do not plan to or want to change, I have to cancel a full session or push through. Sometimes we push through. My therapist was feeling sick the other day- she pushed through. She also asked crappy questions and judged me- which I know wasn’t intended, of course. Still happened.

The problem with being a therapist is that to do a good job and feel good afterward we have to be damn near perfect. And there’s no such thing as perfect. So we hope and pray for clients who remember our humanity and give us lots of grace…but we can’t expect this! All my clients pay out of pocket. Can you imagine paying a painter to paint your ceiling and he’s having a shitty day and splatters paint everywhere? Would you hire him to come back? Would you refer him to your friends? NO! Most people, especially these days, would be really pissed. We don’t live in a culture that encourages grace.

Nor do I want to expect or need a lot of grace.

So… this is what asking myself, “what do I want, what do I need” has led me to. So MANY PEOPLE do not have the ‘luxury’? ability? to do what I NEED to do, right now. I can’t put it off anymore. I need to take time to heal.

I am a therapist but I am also a trauma survivor. My trauma messaging, triggers, and nervous system responses run deep and wide. The Secret revealed to me that while I thought I’ve been dealing and healing the past 10+ years… I wasn’t …. not completely. And not enough for me to ethically and safely practice therapy.

Our world does not make it easy to do trauma recovery. As a trauma informed therapist, a passionate trauma-healing focused friend, believer, mother, etc etc etc, I have come to realize that this burden of trauma that I carry in my body, that we all carry in one way or another (think 2020), is just a lot. We are all crumbling.

It doesn’t really matter how much I want to work. It doesn’t really matter if I need to. I can’t.

I’m grateful that God has orchestrated my life and circumstances in such a way that l am actually able to do the trauma and emotional healing work right now that I have not been able to do my whole life. I’ve tried. I’ve been open and conscious and aware of my triggers and how the messaging shows up in most areas of my life. I’ve been in some kind of therapy consistently for the past 10 years. I’ve done lots of work around codependency, PTSD, self-love, and spirituality. I’ve basically devoted every moment of my life over the past 10 years to becoming a better human. But my secret revealed to me that there are deep deep parts of me that are still reacting and if I don’t heal it, I will fuck up. I can’t do that. I won’t do that to myself or to anyone else.

I need to heal.

I’m grateful for this very public platform. I don’t care who reads or doesn’t read. I know God will put it in the hands of those who need to hear it. Pray with me that he will reveal it to those who need permission to take the space they need to heal.

Thanks for reading ❤️

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:8,9,16-18

Honest. Kind. Shine.
Roller Coasters.

August 11th, 2022

My family and I recently started a 50 states adventure that we hope to complete before my husband and I turn 50 in 2033. One of our family goals is to ride a rollercoaster in every state. My husband and I love rollercoasters. Like…. LOVE, love them. When I was a kid, I rode the Phoenix at Knoebels with my dad 6? 8? times in a row. This was back in the 90s when the world was way more chill and there weren’t so many stinking rules lol. If there was no one in line, they just let us stay on the ride- over and over. This was also back in the 90s when people didn’t know everything about everything so Knoebels was our special little hidden amusement park gem. You could go on a whim, spend $20, and enjoy a nearly empty amusement park with virtually no lines! Now people visit it like they do Hershey Park or any other awesome (or not so awesome) amusement park. And, because I’m talking about it, if you haven’t you really should. Knoebels is just the best.

Anywho, roller coasters. I think my husband and I would like to believe that we are rollercoaster connoisseurs. The Phoenix at Knoebels? Hands down best coaster…ever. It even has a song. Watch it… trust me, you will not be disappointed… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0yCUT-sRVs)

So here’s the thing about Pennsylvania coasters. They don’t have SEATBELTS!!! This summer we rode coasters in Michigan, Illinois, and other states and every coaster had seatbelts AND the bar thingy- whether that be over the head or across the lap. So, Ipso Facto- PA coasters are the best because we’re wild over here and don’t care if we fly out of our seats– that’s the best part!

I’m sharing this analogy with you because I want to give you the option. This truth of mine is a bit…wild. At least in conservative country Pennsylvania, it’s wild. I’ve always been a weirdo and while I don’t mind, I have often been told that I tend to shake things up. I push boundaries, I make people uncomfortable, I don’t settle for status quo. I don’t like rules, I tend to break them, and I tend to get in trouble when I do… like get fired. lol. The other side of me though likes to be liked. I want to be Good. I want to honor my faith, my family, to have integrity. Holding this paradox within myself has been… well… quite the rollercoaster ride!

So, if you’re here and reading this, I hope it’s because you want to read it. I hope you found me on your journey back to your true self and that my life inspires you and validates your process of unbecoming. I’ve done much of this on my own, in a pretty close minded culture, and even with all that pressure to conform, I’ve arrived at a place where I have no other option but to just BUST OUT of this cage! So if you are ready to break free, then just pull down the lap bar and let’s ride this Phoenix all the way from Texas to Pennsylvania! (Obviously, I’m obsessed with this coaster- you can learn more about it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(roller_coaster))

If you’re here because you love me but/and/or you’re caged, tamed, or comfortable in your going-with-the-motions way of life… you may wanna put that seat belt on before you pull down the lap bar. I’m giving you a fair warning because I think of my pastor, my family member, the Karens in my life, and sadly, the many many super judgey Christians that I know that will probably stumble on over here after I post this on social media. Friends, it’s gonna get wild. It might even make you wanna puke. Just please, if you need to puke, find a garbage can or a bush…. I really don’t want to see that and neither does anyone else. So what that means is, at least to start, keep your negative Nancys to yourself. I too have been a judgmental, self righteous, know it all “Christian” too, thinking I’m being an ambassador for Christ but really all I’m doing is puking on someone’s coaster. Listen, it happens. If it indeed does happen, know that my higher self will be challenged to meet you with compassion and grace. I want to create a judgment free zone- but that means I have to be judgment free too. You are where you are and you think what you think. Say what you want to say, but just remember… These are my precious thoughts, my soul and spirit… Please handle with care. Please handle everyone with care. The world needs more of that.

Honest. Kind. Shine.
Honesty, No Matter What.

August 11th, 2022

I’m 38 and finally getting honest. Like really honest. Like most people, I think, we don’t get honest until we HAVE to. That was the case for me anyway. I’ve kept a secret for nearly 10 years. Yep, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to air my dirty laundry- which is a funny expression that literally means something different than what it figuratively means. Like being a devil’s advocate- but that’s a topic for a different day. I’m going to air my dirty laundry so 1) it doesn’t stink up my house anymore and 2) because nature cleans. The sun purifies. So this is me, all of me- the good, bad, and ugly… out there for the world to see. I hope I’ll inspire you to air your dirty laundry, too. I’ll grab the soap and let’s let the Light bleach out our dark spots 🙂

I like to write my thoughts. There’s something cathartic about handwriting- letting the energy flow out of your fingertips, through a pen, and scratching onto paper. I’m sure there are ways to transcribe written thought into type but I’m not very techy and I just neeeed to get this all out of me before I lose my brave again and squelch my soul for another 10 years.

I’ve struggled with writing. There are a few reasons for this, but the most significant one is trauma based. The crazy thing about trauma is that often what’s hurt you, when reframed and reclaimed, is also what heals you. It’s taken me 38 years to reframe and reclaim writing and sharing MY truth. We all have a truth inside of us and I don’t think it’s possible to find The Truth until we move through our own truth, weed out what fits and what doesn’t, and once we know who we really are, at our core, (something the LGBTQ+ community is doing SO well and MANY praises to them for teaching us all how to shine!) we can discern what we want to keep, what we want to get rid of, and what needs to change. I’m not a scientist but I imagine this is the process for developing medicines that fix us. This process of discovery, raw soul discovery, I imagine is just like that. Why we don’t encourage more of it is beyond my current understanding. As Jim Gaffigan would say, “So simple.”

So, welcome. Welcome to a nearly 4 decade long journey of becoming and unbecoming, doing and undoing, being force fed a lie and now purging my truth.