Category: Uncategorized
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Modesty culture
Rape culture
Courtship culture
Marriage culture
Patriarchal culture
I’m humbled to admit that I have participated in these cultures (below – Original article) and vomited their lies on people I love…and on myself. As I continue to grow, it becomes more and more obvious to me that the conservative “Christian” church is often TOXIC.
I believe there are more toxic ideas within the church than these five.
I thought Church was supposed to be a safe place. A place where you can come as you are and be loved through your life journey.
Instead, church seems like a manufacturing company, where open and willing souls walk in, vulnerable, and the church refurbishes these souls to then go out into the world and make more AI creatures that just regurgitate all their crap.
I’m not saying church is all bad.
I am shining a light on how church has hurt me and others.
5 Toxic Christian Cultures
Purity culture is not the only toxic culture in the Church.
There are five other toxic Christian cultures that I believe are related to purity culture.
The five cultures are:
Modesty culture
Rape culture
Courtship culture
Marriage culture
Patriarchal culture
All of these teachings were embedded in purity culture and integrated into the fabric of evangelical Christianity and the Church.
But NONE of them are actually biblical or Christian.
Let’s dismantle each culture, analyze the harmful teachings that came from them, and replace them with the real biblical truth.
Modesty Culture
Modest is hottest–right?
Modesty culture taught us that our worth was on display. Our value was determined by shorts that were at least finger-tip length, straps that were three fingers wide, and clothing that was loose enough to hide our curves.
Modesty culture leads to a lot of body shame and a sense that our bodies are inherently wrong, sinful, and can cause others to “stumble”. It makes girls responsible for boys’ lust instead of empowering each gender to be responsible for their own thoughts and actions.
The truth is your inherent worth is determined by being made in the image of God–not in what you wear. You alone are responsible for your sin. Your value is not dictated either by your attractiveness to men (being “hot”) or keeping men from lust.
Modesty is more than how much skin you show. Instead, let’s emphasize a “modest” and humble heart that is nonjudgmental towards ourselves and others. Let’s consider clothing that is appealing to you, practical, comfortable, and makes you feel most like yourself, rather than what others will think of our clothes.
Your inherent worth is determined by being made in the image of God–not in what you wear. You alone are responsible for your sin. Your value is not dictated either by your attractiveness to men (being “hot”) or keeping men from lust. #modestishottest #toxicchristiancultures
Rape culture is by no means only a part of the evangelical Church–it has poisoned our secular culture as well.
We hear rape culture any time a woman is blamed or held responsible for her sexual assault and an offender is given a free pass:
“Well, what was she wearing?”
“She was asking for it with clothes like that!”
“He’s a man; he couldn’t help himself!”
“He was such a promising young man. She was just tempting him to lust.”
I can’t say it loud enough: A VICTIM IS NEVER RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR SEXUAL ASSAULT. NO ONE IS TO BLAME BUT THEIR ATTACKER.
Christians continue to perpetuate rape culture through the Gatekeepers Myth, one of my five myths of purity culture in my article “5 Purity Culture Myths”.
The antidote to rape culture is compassion for victims and accountability and justice for offenders. We have to hold men responsible for their crimes and sins. And we have to come alongside survivors and offer support and hope for their healing.
Nothing epitomizes courtship culture more than the book “I Kissed Dating Good-bye” by Joshua Harris. (I know Josh Harris has had a change of heart and I respect hishumility and openness to discussion. But we’ve got to still talk about the long-lasting impact of this culture!)
Courtship culture was rampant at the Christian colleges I attended, where “ring by spring” was the norm and you felt like nobody if you didn’t graduate with your MRS degree.
I think there are two risks of courtship culture–you could miss out on a good relationship because you didn’t give it enough of a chance or you could stay in a relationship too long because of the fantasy and false promise of your first love being your spouse.
The truth is dating can be healthy. You are not more spiritual if you choose not to date. Every Christian has to decide for themselves when and who to date. Dating can be a healthy way to understand yourself better and learn more about what you’re looking for in a relationship.
Marriage Culture
Let’s talk about the idolization of marriage in the Church.
What’s wrong with marriage? Nothing. I am married and I love my husband and love being married.
But the “marriage culture” in the Church is toxic and insidious.
Being married is given “privileged” status in evangelical Christianity, while other relationship statuses such as single, divorced, or widowed, are often discriminated against.
Here’s what I mean by marriage culture:
Elevating married couples’ spiritual status and maturity over single people
Giving married couples preference and leadership opportunities not given to unmarried people
Catering to the needs of couples and families and secluding them together, while unmarried people are lumped in with the youth
Judging people who are divorced and widowed without hearing their story
Assuming that marriage will happen for every believer and is the pinnacle of adulthood
Marriage culture breeds pride for those who are married and shame for those who are not.
Toxic marriage culture affected me by making me feel ashamed for being single. I felt something must be wrong with me that I was doing everything “right”, yet couldn’t find a husband. I also felt like I didn’t have the opportunity to serve in my church because I wasn’t married. Even in my late 20s, I was categorized with “college and young adults” because I was single.
But the truth is we are ALL valuable members of the Body of Christ. Marriage does not make you more spiritually mature, capable of leadership, or holier. Marriage is not the ultimate goal of a Christian’s life. Serving and honoring God is–and that can happen with or without marriage.
Patriarchal Culture
Underlying all of the other toxic Christian cultures–modesty culture, rape culture, courtship culture, marriage culture, and purity culture–is patriarchal cultures.
Patriarchy is the belief that men are the leaders and the head of women. Women are in need of protection and provision. Men make the decisions; women are subordinate and submissive.
Why do we have modesty culture? Because it allows men to control women through their clothing.
How did rape culture evolve? Because it absolves men of responsibility for their crimes and puts the blame on women.
Why is courtship culture “biblical”? Because men (especially fathers) make all the dating decisions and women follow.
Why is marriage culture so prevalent in the Church? Because women are only valuable and gain status if they are married to a man.
What is the purpose of purity culture? To control women’s sexuality through myths and false promises about premarital sex.
I hope you know I have a lot of respect for men. I love my husband–he is my equal partner and we practice mutual submission. I have a great dad who has been a positive influence in my life.
But I do not support patriarchal culture that subordinates women to men and puts men in charge of marriages, families, churches, and institutions.
Men and women are equal in value and role. Men and women are co-image bearers and heirs of the Kingdom. Men and women are equally called, “equally saved, equally Spirit-filled, and equally sent” (M. S. Van Leeuwen).
If we want to fully deconstruct these toxic Christian cultures, we have to start with their common thread of patriarchy.
#toxicchristianculturesWritten by Dr. Camden Morgante
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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I’m in a weird state of having so much to say and nothing to say at all. Most of what I want to say is not ready for public consumption. It’s not time yet.
I’m learning to be okay with TIME. I’ve always struggled with the concept of time. Am I alone in this? I think it must be because at our core, we are not time-bound creatures. We have a body and a mind that are tied to time, but we are SOULS, which are not bound by time. For whatever reason, my soul seems to reject the essence of time more than others seem to struggle. I rarely pay attention to the clock. I don’t wear a watch. I’m often late….and I often don’t leave when I “should”. (My husband and I have been known to help turn the lights off after church lol).
I tend to pay attention to my body and the energy in and around me in making many of my decisions that involve time. Obviously, this approach can’t be applied everywhere like when showing up for class or boarding a plane. I’m thankful my husband keeps better track of time than I do… but we’re known for “oh, they’re on Martin time”. (Our eldest child is the WORST lol) see: snail.
It also doesn’t help that my childhood experiences made it difficult for me to get anywhere on time.
Something I’ve learned in my healing journey and as a trauma-informed therapist is that trauma gets stuck in our bodies if we don’t heal it. How this manifests then is that when our ANS (Autonomic Nervous System) gets activated (or triggered) we, usually without conscious awareness or choice- fight, flight, freeze, or fawn and we usually revert back to the age/developmental stage in which we were traumatized and how our ANS learned to cope at that time. This is why we have 50 something-year-olds having temper tantrums (think road rage) like a 4 year old. Something happened at that developmental stage that they never healed.
For me, one of the reasons I don’t do well with time is because my parenting situation was inconsistent. My parents separated when I was 4? and they never lived together after that (thank you JESUS- more on this later). But of course as a 4+ year old, who didn’t know her father was unstable, all I wanted was to be with him. He was the “fun” parent. Also, my brother and I didn’t see my dad for a year after they separated; we moved from California to Pennsylvania without him. My mom did an awesome job at facilitating this difficult co-parenting arrangement but still, I never knew when I was going to see him. He was not well, not consistent, and in a word, irresponsible. I developed an anxious attachment in part because of this.
Kids thrive on routine and predictability. Some kids may have developed an anxious approach to time. I developed an ambivalent approach to time. I know this was likely necessary for survival or just seemed ‘normal’ to me as a small person. (Just like an anxious approach is, too.) I’m sure there are many reasons that I have difficulty waiting and difficulty managing time. But I think this is one significant facet of my time bomb lol. I’m also like my mother who, as I remember, struggled with timeliness 🙂 (sorry for outing you mom :)) My dad is definitely not the type that is bound by most social constructs so…bottom line…I come by it honestly.
How my difficulty with time has manifested in my adulthood is….interesting. I’m not type A really (what are the other types? haha) so I don’t have that anal retentive personality type that is hyper focused on time, structure, order, “respect”. My motto- ‘I’ll get there when I get there. If you don’t want me late then I’ll go home. I probably didn’t want to come anyway.’ HA!
I understand that my indifference towards time pisses some people off. Trust me, I KNOW. I’ve heard aaaalllll about it. I know time-sensitive people often can and do feel like I’m being disrespectful of them and their time. I know they probably think, ‘all you care about is yourself, Kitty’. Ouch. This certainly is not my intention, to hurt or upset people by being untimely. My intention is actually centered in attending to the needs of each moment instead of freaking out about being late or doing things by/on a certain time. This of course get more complicated when you have children.
It wasn’t until an old friend freaked out on me for being 10 minutes late to something that I got my butt better in gear, especially on being ‘on time’.
My mindset is not at all like a time-minded person’s mindset so my first thought when someone’s late isn’t “how rude” or something of that nature. In fact, I’m more likely to think, “they must have got caught up in something, I can wait” and because I know I often get caught up in something, I give lots of grace. Afterall, is the thing THAT important? (Sometimes it is. I’m (usually) on time for those things :))
When someone stays late my mindset isn’t “they need to go”. It’s usually something like “they must really need this time together”… and because I’m flexible with my time, I’m able to serve them in that way.
I know, I know- you time-minded people are squirming in your seats. I get it. I’m muuuuch better at arriving on time than I used to be. Here’s where I still struggle….
I crave deep connection. There are a few people on this planet that I can and do get lost in space with. It’s like our souls connect and they go off dancing among the stars. Before I know it, it’s 5am. I’m energized, alive, and so full– I’m overflowing. I can get 3 hours of sleep and attack the day ahead with joy and vigor- no problem. I’ll just catch up on sleep later. Unfortunately, not everyone is like me… haha… and even though their soul seems to enjoy the dance… they can’t just “lock the door and leave the world outside” all day every day. Sigh… won’t heaven be great for people like me?
All of this to say… I have a lot to say. But, I’m taking my time, respecting others’ time requests, and waiting on God’s timing. NONE of these things come naturally to me, admittedly. So, feel free to say ‘atta girl’.
If you’re a chronically late person or someone who also struggles with time constraints, I hope this post helps you know you’re not alone. To cope, I have crafted a life that allows me to be a bit more flexible, to move at my own pace. I have also crafted a life that forces me to be time-bound in my work. That structure is helping me repair some childhood wounds that inevitably created my difficulty with respecting this unnatural boundary. It also helps me be in relationship with people who are time-sensitive.
And for those of you reading that are a fan of time, please know that people like me are not trying to be disrespectful. In fact, we’re likely doing the opposite. We are slow and gentle with a crying child, we will get out of our car and help a turtle cross the road, we’ll stay the extra 20… or hour…. to help clean up and make sure your soul feels safe. We stop and smell the roses, say hello to a neighbor, feel the breeze in our hair, and we’re the ones who make the special moments last.
I will suck every ounce of precious time out of every sweet moment. We only get a few that are actually worth living for… might as well make them last as long as possible ❤
Some music for your soul…
Slow down, you move too fast…
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Time after time ❤
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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Today is a good day.
I am making one of my favorite treks across Pennsylvania today. Returning to one of my first homes… I made this drive hundreds of times in my youth. Today’s drive is extra special because it’s nearing the end of August and the sun, the air, just everything is reminding me that September is coming.
September. So much more than just being my birthday month, which I love my freaking birthday so much. Birthday, yes… but September just always seemed like it was finally time for life to be just be about me.
Someday soon I’m going to talk about the deeper why of why sharing my thoughts publicly has been really hard for me to do up until this point. For today though, this platform is my way of taking up space. This is my way of belonging to myself. This is my way of telling myself and the world that I matter, my voice matters, I’m owning my story so it doesn’t own me.
September has always been the month that I got to have at least one day that was about me. When you grow up with someone who robs every good moment with their selfishness and narcissism… It just… Sucks.
I suppose, if you know you know, you know? Ya know? Last September on my birthday we were at Magic Kingdom at Disney world. There was a rainbow over Disney that morning. It was an absolutely perfect day. A dream come true.
My mom and Grammy hand sewed the dress and shirt for me and my husband. I used fabric paint to paint the design. I was able to sneak them into the luggage and surprise my husband with them 🙂. Best. Day. Ever. Not all that long ago I wouldn’t allow myself to have good things. I would deprive myself of things that I needed like new shoes, underwear, food… And then I would overindulge in other areas of my life to try to achieve what I now know is homeostasis. I’ll circle back around to this another time… But does anybody understand this? I would love to hear your story, too.
Today is a good day because I’m going to visit one of my first and best college friends. She and our little golden circle is responsible for helping me to grow into a human. This drive feels like I’m going home 🙂
Stay golden ❤️ I’m in a really vulnerable place right now. I am making big mistakes, choices that have the potential to destroy things that I really love and that I really want. In a way, it’s kind of like going to college and moving into your dorm room with people you don’t know and having to figure out life and learn a whole bunch of life shit and smart shit. It’s all compressed into a few short weeks before you move on to more classes with more information that you have to cram into your brain. This growth… it’s like I’m stretch Armstrong and you’re attaching my hands to your bicycle and my feet to your skateboard and my older and younger brothers are using me to ride and pull each other.
Did anybody ever stretch an Armstrong so far that he busted open? I’ve busted open a few times since June 27th… I’m sorry if you were on the receiving end of that explosion.
I’ve decided that I just need to keep growing. I need to dive head first into the wisdom and practices that I know to be true and helpful. Return to the basics. Prayer, meditation, Brene Brown lol.
So here’s the gift that I have for the world today… I’m sharing the hard-earned wisdom of our future’s revered Emotions sage genius of our time. She will be talked about in the same way we talk about Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Jesus, Einstein, Plato. She’s the one who always brings me back to myself, reminds me to be awkward, brave, and kind. She gave me permission and taught me how to own my story. She taught me that if I want to belong I first have to belong to myself. ❤️
Me and mini me ❤️
Darling, you belong here.❤️❤️❤️ Enjoy ❤️❤️❤️
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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Sometimes, often actually, other people say it better than I can.
A collection of thoughts I’ve been hoarding over the past couple days in my cloud
And possibly the most difficult flex…. 
A picture worth a thousand words. 
Keep running ❤ 
My ego has been after me for a long time- blocking access to my soul and spirit… 
I had a panic attack yesterday. I wish I would have practiced these in that moment. 
The gift of healthy boundaries 
If we want to heal we need to change our lens 
As you would say…. shhhhhhh 
We are going to be okay!!! 
Have you heard of twin flames? Honest. Kind. Shine.
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A Stranger Things analogy
I’m realizing that in yesterday’s post I responded to a request to not publicly share my (our…) story. (See Village Anxiety). This request, because it was made by someone I love and don’t want to upset, sent me into a bit of a shame spiral and caused me to doubt myself, my soul, my needs.
Being a human is hard. Setting and responding to boundaries is hard. As I tell my clients, all of life is boundaries. Healing comes when we can discern when it’s appropriate to have looser boundaries, rigid boundaries, and flexible boundaries. We have to be flexible and have nuance as adults with our boundary setting because every relationship and circumstance calls for a different type of boundary. Admittedly, this has been difficult for me to sort out as I tend to float on the looser end of the boundary spectrum in most areas of my life.
This isn’t a post about boundaries. I’ll save that for another day. But… this is a post about boundaries… in the sense that sometimes we just have to do what we know is right even if others don’t like it or understand. Remember, I’m a recovering people pleaser and codependent so I constantly have to remind myself that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. But, this also doesn’t mean I can go around doing whatever I want with reckless abandon.
Choices have consequences. I’m trying to be very very careful about how often and under what circumstances I enforce rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries tend to hurt people more directly than loose boundaries, especially when used to escape, force, manipulate, or control. If any of my writing feels abusive, manipulative, hurtful, or offensive – please come and talk to me about your feelings. I want to work it out with you and be at peace with you.
This brings me to my next analogy…
Village Agitation.
So, if you haven’t watched Stranger Things you might have a hard time with this one. Fortunately, the story arc of Stranger Things is similar to every other group adventure story so I think you’ll be able to pick up what I’m putting down.
Stranger Things is a TV show on Netflix about a girl Named 011 (Eleven or El) who has super mind powers. There is an evil world called the “Upside down” and the evil in this world haunts a small town, Hawkins.
Spoilers! 🚨
At about 11-13? years old, Eleven is found in the woods by her soon to be besties. It’s set in the 80s and the kids play Dungeons and Dragons (I’ve never played); much of the evil and story, I gather, is D&D inspired. The series carries on through four seasons of El fighting the evil with her powers and her “village”, her tribe, her friends, at her side.
The past couple days my husband and I have been transferring anxiety and agitation back and forth as we process my secret and how this affects our life- today and in the future.
What we’re going through as a couple, along with a few others- one very intimately involved and others aware but just as shaken up- it’s just a lot.
At any given time we are experiencing grief- shock, anger, sadness, bargaining… We are experiencing overwhelming anxiety, panic, fear, etc etc etc. Lots of heavy emotions in and around us. It’s A LOT.
I’m having a hard time doing much of anything. The kids are at my in-laws and I really thought I’d get some cleaning done, projects, laundry… ya know, normal life stuff. Hasn’t happened. In fact, I can barely eat. We are in crisis.
If you’ve seen Stranger Things, you know that at different times the evil seems to get agitated and start affecting Hawkins. The kids all join together and figure out how to help El defeat the mind flayer, Billy, and Vecna. El seems to carry the burden as she’s the one who has the amazing mind powers. Still, her friends ask no questions and stand by her, go to battle with and for her, and require no apologies or praises. After all, they’re fighting evil. It’s D&D irl.
I suppose I’m feeling…. jealous.
My village is agitated. My tribe is freaking out. We’re all shaken up…everyone in their own way is dealing with feelings, worries, fear. It’s normal and healthy to react to an explosion. I appreciate how much my people care and I appreciate that this not only deeply affects me, but it affects them too. Everyone’s entitled to their own process.
Here’s the rub. And… I’m just being honest. These are just my feelings, not an indictment of anyone or everyone. Clearly, if you’re here reading this- you’re supporting me!!!! THANK YOU!
My honest feelings… And I’m only sharing them because I KNOW we’ve alllllllll been here. We’re like El, carrying a burden too big to bear alone and what we need is our tribe to come in and be strong.
I need a tribe who’s willing to see me, hold lots of space, try to understand before making assumptions, and remember how burdensome this is for me… it sucks because everyone is acting like my storm is happening TO them. I guess I’ve been really codependent with a lot of people.
Most of my tribe has been supportive. I’m so grateful. But if I’m being honest…. Which I am…
I feel like I need more. I never ask for more. I feel like a narcissist or like an ungrateful petulant toddler. So many people say I should just be grateful. Like I’m not already grateful!!!!
Can you imagine how Stranger Things would have turned out without Hopper, Wil, Dustin, Max, Nancy, and Eddie…. Ughhhh Eddie. 😭
Where would Eleven be without her tribe?
I’m really struggling, friends. If you’ve come this far, thank you. I know how hard it is to slow down and take time out for someone in need. Especially when those needs seem unfixable, are triggering, or leave you feeling powerless.
It’s easier to just keep a distance and call it a boundary. Depending on your view of this you might even turn into a Billy or another character that pisses on El’s gift and increases the presence of Demogorgons. Just do me a solid and don’t be that guy.
Honest. Kind. Shine
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My family and I recently started a 50 states adventure that we hope to complete before my husband and I turn 50 in 2033. One of our family goals is to ride a rollercoaster in every state. My husband and I love rollercoasters. Like…. LOVE, love them. When I was a kid, I rode the Phoenix at Knoebels with my dad 6? 8? times in a row. This was back in the 90s when the world was way more chill and there weren’t so many stinking rules lol. If there was no one in line, they just let us stay on the ride- over and over. This was also back in the 90s when people didn’t know everything about everything so Knoebels was our special little hidden amusement park gem. You could go on a whim, spend $20, and enjoy a nearly empty amusement park with virtually no lines! Now people visit it like they do Hershey Park or any other awesome (or not so awesome) amusement park. And, because I’m talking about it, if you haven’t you really should. Knoebels is just the best.
Anywho, roller coasters. I think my husband and I would like to believe that we are rollercoaster connoisseurs. The Phoenix at Knoebels? Hands down best coaster…ever. It even has a song. Watch it… trust me, you will not be disappointed… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0yCUT-sRVs)
So here’s the thing about Pennsylvania coasters. They don’t have SEATBELTS!!! This summer we rode coasters in Michigan, Illinois, and other states and every coaster had seatbelts AND the bar thingy- whether that be over the head or across the lap. So, Ipso Facto- PA coasters are the best because we’re wild over here and don’t care if we fly out of our seats– that’s the best part!
I’m sharing this analogy with you because I want to give you the option. This truth of mine is a bit…wild. At least in conservative country Pennsylvania, it’s wild. I’ve always been a weirdo and while I don’t mind, I have often been told that I tend to shake things up. I push boundaries, I make people uncomfortable, I don’t settle for status quo. I don’t like rules, I tend to break them, and I tend to get in trouble when I do… like get fired. lol. The other side of me though likes to be liked. I want to be Good. I want to honor my faith, my family, to have integrity. Holding this paradox within myself has been… well… quite the rollercoaster ride!
So, if you’re here and reading this, I hope it’s because you want to read it. I hope you found me on your journey back to your true self and that my life inspires you and validates your process of unbecoming. I’ve done much of this on my own, in a pretty close minded culture, and even with all that pressure to conform, I’ve arrived at a place where I have no other option but to just BUST OUT of this cage! So if you are ready to break free, then just pull down the lap bar and let’s ride this Phoenix all the way from Texas to Pennsylvania! (Obviously, I’m obsessed with this coaster- you can learn more about it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(roller_coaster))
If you’re here because you love me but/and/or you’re caged, tamed, or comfortable in your going-with-the-motions way of life… you may wanna put that seat belt on before you pull down the lap bar. I’m giving you a fair warning because I think of my pastor, my family member, the Karens in my life, and sadly, the many many super judgey Christians that I know that will probably stumble on over here after I post this on social media. Friends, it’s gonna get wild. It might even make you wanna puke. Just please, if you need to puke, find a garbage can or a bush…. I really don’t want to see that and neither does anyone else. So what that means is, at least to start, keep your negative Nancys to yourself. I too have been a judgmental, self righteous, know it all “Christian” too, thinking I’m being an ambassador for Christ but really all I’m doing is puking on someone’s coaster. Listen, it happens. If it indeed does happen, know that my higher self will be challenged to meet you with compassion and grace. I want to create a judgment free zone- but that means I have to be judgment free too. You are where you are and you think what you think. Say what you want to say, but just remember… These are my precious thoughts, my soul and spirit… Please handle with care. Please handle everyone with care. The world needs more of that.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
Keturah Mae Shine 