Ahhh it feels so good to be writing again! If I can tell y’all one thing: taking a quiet retreat with God, feeling your feelings and loving yourself through it- it pays off. I feel so much more peaceful, grounded, and clear. God wants us to be happy and content with him- he’s going to make that process very easy and enjoyable, especially if we allow it.

As I shared in Protected, Valentine’s Day brought an unexpected gift. I got a good clear look in the “mirror”.

(Ironically, that morning I broke an antique mirror- I feel like God was showing me that my reflection is changing with all this inner work I’ve been doing -yay!).

There were two things I could have done with this lesson. Try to ignore it, get mad, gaslight, throw a fit, blame, etc OR go inward. I chose the latter. Former me, child me, may have chosen the former but I’ve worked SO FUCKING HARD and come TOO FUCKING FAR to indulge in that ego shit. So, I swallowed the bitter medicine of loving discipline and got to work.

What came out of my retreat was quite a lot actually. ❤️‍🔥

The first lesson is that I was “throwing my pearls before swine”. I wrote about this over the summer so it’s pretty cool, pretty ‘God’, that it would circle back around. That’s how we learn after all… The lesson will continue to present itself until we’ve mastered it.

(Makes me think of this image from the Church of Union intro to their Sunday services.... This is how we grow... We circle back around and around and around again until we get to the core...which is purification.)

Now, don’t get me wrong. You all aren’t “swine”. Well… There may be some who float around who might be more swiney than others lol, but I genuinely believe that most people reading have good intentions.

Still, there are certain things that are meant to be kept private. And that’s what Valentine’s Day taught me. 🌹

I was giving myself away. I was giving alllll my good away. I was allowing anyone and everyone full access to all of me. Bad boundaries, Kitty 😬

Not everyone gets it. Not everyone needs to know. Not everyone deserves to know. Not everyone is safe and so therefore not everyone gets a pass onto our island. And, more importantly, there are some things that are SACRED and sweet and special. Meant to be kept between two people.

The past doesn’t really matter but, because I think it might be helpful, here’s what I learned about myself.

My “oops” (oversharing) was the result of a trauma response. I don’t mind talking about my childhood trauma. In fact, I often feel COMPELLED to talk about it. Now that it’s HEALED, that’s right, HEALED 🙌, I have so much more insight into the maladaptive coping skills I learned to survive.

The first skill I learned was silence. This happens to a lot of abused kids. What is the child brain supposed to do with abuse? No one ever sat me down and talked to me about safe touch. No one ever told me what to do if I felt uncomfortable, much less sexually abused. 90s parents were very much “hug your great uncles step cousin because I said so” types. Not at all like us 20s parents who sit with our kids and give them a step by step plan out of every potential uncomfortable situation lol.

I’m not upset anymore that I didn’t get that guidance and protection. MAP has helped me love those parts of me that felt unsafe, exposed, unprepared, and paralyzed. I now know how to use my very safe and loving Divine adult self to hold space for and love little Kitty.

How MAP and the mirror exercise works ... 

Silence isn’t necessary anymore because I know I’m safe now. I’m a safe person to talk to, so she now comes to me and talks to me. She trusts that instead of whipping her, I’m going to LOVE her. I’m helping her have her voice.

My abuse was like Ursula, it took my voice. My pattern was like trying to make Eric fall in love with me without having a voice. My healing is like shattering the shell and getting my voice back. My twin flame is like Eric who will energetically (or literally, whatever works) hear my voice and be like “OMG it’s you!!! It’s been you the whole time!!!” ❤️‍🔥

It’s pretty cute that the new Little Mermaid is coming out soon… I love when God winks at me 🥰

Through this process God has helped me get really clear on what I should share and what I shouldn’t. My higher self, my Divine self, which is in direct communion with God, is always guiding me. I just have to listen. Listening is just a choice. I choose to listen. Good news is that Divine Kitty is pretty cool, I like her 🥰

The problem was that somewhere between 20 and 39, I found bits of my voice but because I was still in old trauma patterns I didn’t have my voice or sharing boundaries sorted out yet. 10 years of repressed abuse turned me into an anxious attacher.

This is what’s leaving me, I’ve learned. Like a 3yo throws a tantrum over something silly- they aren’t becoming the tantrum, they are transcending the upset.

Thank you GOD for the twin flame journey. This is why I write. This is why I’m a twin flame advocate now. I’m a believer because not only have I experienced the beautiful sweet deeply loving relationship that exists between twins, I’ve also experienced the massive triggering and upsets. Both are indicators that you’ve met your true twin. There are more and you need them all, along with God’s confirmation in your heart, to know who your twin flame is. If you’re interested, you can learn more about about true twin flame signs in this short video by my coach and her twin 🥰

Your twin flame can’t tolerate being in a relationship with an unhealed, traumatized, triggered version of you- the negative energy is too much to bear between twins because it’s literally multiplied. (Similar to unhealed parents trying to parent a triggered child… Lots of mutual triggering ending in chaos and pain).

As they say in AA, two sickies don’t make a wellie 😁

This is why a lot of unhealed twins have toxic experiences. Basically, if you choose the twin flame path, you choose to confront and heal all your hurts, hangups, and upsets. Thankfully this process is VERY simple. Not easy!!!!!!!!! But simple.

So, this awareness propelled me into my cave of fear- which is… being ALONE. Very very alone and powerless. God kept putting blocks in between me and all of my relationships so I could break this pattern of codependency. It was like for a period of time I was pretty much forgotten. It became very clear that God wanted me to just be with him and build a new solid foundation where I FROG 🐸.

Prior to this healing opportunity, the codependent anxious pattern manifested, especially with my twin flame, as neediness, helplessness, despair, flailing, dependency, chasing, obsession, and control.

Did I think I was doing these things? OF COURSE NOT. Lol. I was just operating the way I knew how to operate. During my Dark Night of the Soul, I realized that I learned codependency as a two year old. I had NO IDEA I was so deeply codependent. I’m a therapist! I thought I was goooood lol.

Turns out, your twin flame is designed to help you see all parts of yourself. Every twin flame experiences the same. exact. dynamic. (At this point, not believing twin flames are real is like believing the earth is flat. Lol. ALL the evidence is there. This is SCIENCE, not a theory.) In soul mate relationships most of us can avoid the ‘plank in our eye’ because soul mates aren’t perfect mirrors. Soul mates are created by God for good too, though! SMs are God’s way of gently loving us back to him. TFs are God’s fast track to ascension. You want your TF? Get ready to heal. If not, that’s okay! The system can run just fine on old programs.

This is how God works. And when you make such a huge choice, like choosing Harmonious Union with your twin flame (ultimately, with God), then God is going to help you transcend everything in the way of your divinity.

So, that’s what happened. My mirror soul showed me in the most loving perfect way that I was giving myself away, oversharing, anxiously attaching, and searching for love (validation, support, etc) outside of myself. I was trying to GET love, a pattern I’ve been in allllllll my life. I was doing this by sharing the deepest most intimate things with the world, with well, everyone– whoever would listen. And, a hard lesson I’ve learned over and over, often people just want the drama, the “tea”. They don’t actually care… Like I do.

This look in the mirror revealed that even with years of professional training, expertise, and healing I’ve done through learning and therapy, that at the core, I was still codependent. Of course I was. Our culture breeds codependency. Soul mate relationships ARE (always? not sure yet, I need to talk to God about this) codependent to some extent. I spent a lifetime, all lifetimes! before I found this work, functioning from a codependent place.

The fact that I’ve healed and transcended SO much as quickly as I have is a MIRACLE.

God is real. Love wins.

My healing is proof that God is real and that twin flames are real. There’s no other logical explanation.

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

I read somewhere that the difference between anxious attachment and avoidant attachment is that the anxious attacher will put it all out there hoping someone finds something about them worth loving. The avoidant attacher refuses to put anything out there for fear that if anyone sees anything they’ll risk being unloved or exposed.

Really all attachment trauma is rooted in separation from God and the way to heal it is by completely surrendering to God and allowing Him to love all those parts until your habits and patterns are broken and rebuilt into healthy patterns and habits. God is our perfect parent and in Truth, our only parent. He wants us to attach to him. This process is easy and simple. Ego death is what feels hard- letting go of everything that gets in the way of being fully completely loved by God ❤️ in truth, it doesn’t have to be hard. Choose for it to be easy and surrender to the process. 🥰

The past two months have been… Beautiful. Perfect. Exhausting. And yes, hard. Excruciating at times. Ego fights the hardest right before it dies. The timing was perfect though as I was already in trauma therapy (MAP) so I was able to work through all the “silence” (by not writing, sharing, talking etc) with my practitioner and ascension coach.

This quiet retreat with God not only healed me, it helped me get clear on what to share, who to share it with, and what is just absolutely sacred.

Childhood abuse taught me that I wasn’t sacred. That if my father could exploit me then why shouldn’t “whoever” have access to me. Really what I was searching for was healing. A safe place to put my heart.

This was the underlying intention of some of these blog posts. So, those that are like my diary or love letters or “inside thoughts” are now password protected. Only one person has the password. Only one person has access to those parts of my heart and soul.

And that’s just how it should be.

I didn’t know any better before so I choose to forgive myself for laying myself out there for everyone to see. I choose to believe that Romans 8:28 is true and that God will use my innocent vulnerability for my Good and his glory.

Now that I know different, I’m doing different. Isn’t that what growing up is all about after all?

Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo 🌹