I’m burdened by the hypocrisy of the “Christian” church.
I can’t believe I’ve played a part in this nonsense… This hate.
Church…we’ve messed up. Big time.
I’m kind of done with this “Christian” nonsense. Pray for my soul.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
Category: Life
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This is abhorrent. #guilty Actually, ask yourself if anyone feels loved by you. Change my mind. Burn every copy of love&respect 🤮 Submit submit submit and God will bless you with an asshole for a husband who can’t even find the ketchup on the front door. Also, was told by my pastor and “Christian” therapist that they were angry with me for trying to feel loved. Fuck purity Sounds a bit narcissistic I didn’t write this. I don’t like those words at the end but you should seriously think about if and how your beliefs are hurting you and other people. People should not be able to love better than God. Yeah, this one’s tough for me too. No caption needed. Other than *note: WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACHED #yep The hypocrisy is as THICK as their skulls… Y’all. I don’t even understand this logic Or this logic I’m actually okay being kept awake. I’m sorry. Cherry picking should be left for actual cherries We’ve really messed up. Well, does it? 🎤 I try to remember to talk to my unpleasant emotions like I would a little toddler. What do you need? How can I help? No virtue. Read it again with me. I seriously do not even understand how one could think they should be in office. 😬 Sick. -
It’s like I stood on the top of a cliff with all my brave and heart and soul. With reckless abandon I took the leap, trusting the deep cool sea below to catch me after I flew gracefully (or chaotically 😅) through the sky.
The others in the photo are a good representation of those who have watched me, of all of you who’ve willingly clicked on over to witness the chaotic explosion that is my wild, messy, beautiful, alive life. I appreciate your witness.
I’ve felt mostly dead for awhile now and the critics and naysayers have said “don’t jump!” or “it’s dangerous!” Your concerns are valid. I appreciate them. I need you to know that I’ve considered the risks. I’m okay with braving this wilderness alone. I’m okay with risking all that’s at stake.
I’ve said I don’t care what others think, but that’s not actually true. We’re made for connection. I do care. Caring and doing it anyway is the hard thing. This public platform assures that I am reserving a seat, as Brene Brown says, for the critic, the shame, scarcity, and comparison voices of the world.
Fear can and will stop us from braving the wilderness. Fear keeps us safe, yes, but it also keeps us stuck, stagnant, and, if we’re called into the wilderness (hint: we all are in one way or another), fear will keep us from getting what we actually want the most. What is actually fulfilling and true and what is from God.
I don’t know about you but God has never blessed me in a big way when I’m just sitting around waiting. He has never blessed me when I was comfortable. The big blessings came with HUGE leaps of faith and trusting that he will equip me as I take every new step into the unknown.
Elsa gets it I don’t know what the future holds but I know what I want. I don’t know how to get there but I trust myself and I trust the Universe to guide me and provide me with everything I need and more. I belong to myself. I know who I am. I can do this!
Here’s your weekly Brene wisdom…
Every inch of me is trembling
But not from the cold
Something is familiar
Like a dream, I can reach but not quite hold
I can sense you there
Like a friend I’ve always known
I’m arriving
And it feels like I am homeI have always been a fortress
Cold secrets deep inside
You have secrets, too
But you don’t have to hideI’ve never felt so certain
All my life, I’ve been torn
But I’m here for a reason
Could it be the reason I was born?
I have always been so different
Normal rules did not apply
Is this the day?
Are you the way
I finally find out why?
Braving the wilderness one giant leap at a time 🙂
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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As you’ve probably gathered, I am in the midst of a pretty intense battle of sorts. I am trying to move through it slowly and carefully. Armoring up, assessing, planning, fortifying, defending, and attacking when/if necessary. This approach has not been one that has come naturally to me. Ten years ago I was forced to reconsider how I move through life and deal with adversity. The pruning process was SO painful. It was one of the most beautiful and most painful times of my life. Do most people experience something like this in their late 20s? It was INTENSE for me…but I’m also an intense person, so maybe the intensity needs to match the personality? I probably fought it with intensity too… A battle of wills 😬
When I was a child, I acted like a child. (1 Corinthians 13:11).
Not everyone has the same growth rate. There are lots of different reasons for this and as an adult, I have worked hard to adopt a less childish way of viewing all the facets, including the process of growth. I’m moving away from judging and condemning other adults’ growth rate and instead moving inward- evaluating my own growth needs and process and focusing that attention, energy, and reflection on myself. I’m not great at this, admittedly.
When we turn 18 in America the overarching message and ‘charge’ is “now you’re an adult’. The practicality of this transition is not always clear, linear, and does not always happen in an orderly fashion. This was especially the case for me. I did adult things while I was still a child. I got married, I moved into a house with my husband, had bills and work and responsibilities. We had two children before I turned 30. Was I legally an adult? Yes. Was my body an adult body? Yes. Was I emotionally, mentally, spiritually, relationally an adult? Not always… not even most of the time. We’re multifaceted people and many of my facets were cracked or covered in mud. Not blaming or shaming…it’s just facts…and these facts had/have consequences.
I think this is true for every 18-29+ year old in one facet or more. Are there any 25 year old people out there feeling like they have it all figured out?
So, here’s what I think happened. How this stronghold got its grip…
I aspire to be a faithful woman of God; to rest in His presence and trust that He will fight for me but to also to step into my Power and act and fight when I’m supposed to. Sometimes this feels like a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ process. Sometimes it feels like I’m leveling up every hour.
I know I will never be done growing and my resting place is knowing that if I remain teachable, open, honest, still, and humble that eventually God will reveal my path- whether to act or be still or some wonky version of both at the same time. My cognitive distortions cloud my discernment, that’s for sure.
I have messed up. A LOT. I fight when I’m supposed to rest, I rest when I’m supposed to act. I ignore when I’m supposed to listen…
On the spectrum of what I think is peace and justice, I tend to lean into the panic end of the spectrum and less into the avoidance end of the spectrum. I could be wrong about the Peace/Justice spectrum, but I think it looks like this….
Panic < Action << Peace & Justice>> “Thoughts & Prayers” > Avoidance
I don’t know if a bell curve applies here but if it does, it would indicate that at least 50% of the time, on any issue, we should be resting in Peace and fighting for Justice? I’m not really sure how this breaks down, admittedly. Maybe there’s more than one spectrum going on here.
Anywho, my confession is that I tend to panic before I avoid. I also tend to act before I offer “thoughts and prayers”. I believe my propensity for action is one of my God given strengths. Unfortunately, as easy as it is for a thoughts and prayers kind of person to become avoidant or complacent, I too can move into panic and flailing, without much difficulty.
Obviously if I could will myself to hit the 50% mark 100% of the time, I totally would! My panic definitely seems to trigger those who avoid… and I think the opposite is true too. I think we can learn from each other and I want to. I’m ready to become more well-rounded (in demeanor, not physical shape haha)
I believe there is beauty to be found here, of course after I’m done flailing and having a temper tantrum 😅 I’m frustrated with myself because no matter how hard I try and beg and pray and plead, I am still plagued by this idiosyncrasy. It’s a thorn in my side. It drives people I love absolutely bonkers and I think ultimately pushes them to a place of anxiety and avoidance… leaving me to panic, alone.
As God pulled me into this unique state of suffering, pruning, whatever this now 7-weeks-of-spiritual-battle is, I have been asking Him to reveal to me what He is trying to teach me, change in me…. I know this is the process of leveling up but man…. I’m growing tired of the crash and burn.
Jesus promises that his ‘yoke’ is light and easy. I’m totally down for taking up any kind of yoke that is light and easy! Yes, please!!!
What am I doing wrong?
I’ve had a suspicion for a while that there may be something more going on here.
I grew up in a charismatic church. I was surrounded by teaching that focused on spiritual warfare and how to bind up and cast out demons and strongholds. I believe there may be a stronghold in or over my life and that might be why this problem keeps popping up all over the place. I am not avoidant, I’m introspective and introjective, so I try to stay on top of things like this. I don’t want to be the reason for my own suffering.
In the past 7 weeks, this stronghold seems to become more and more….strong.
I believe the stronghold might be anger…. Anger, contempt, unforgiveness, misunderstanding. There’s probably more and I would welcome other’s thoughts on this matter. I would also welcome a gentle naming or calling out of how you see me participating/strengthening this stronghold. I am very aware that my own anger, unforgiveness, misaligned introjections, pride, arrogance, and contempt plays a huge part in the strength of this stronghold. It is hard for me to consider different perspectives because I am so internally focused and have SO MANY THOUGHTS. Obviously, I don’t want to be this way. I want to see the truth and participate actively and willingly in this necessary growth. I want to be a sage, a calm meek soul….but that’s just not me haha….
This is me…. “these weirdos” lol
Another reason I’m writing and sharing is because I can’t hold other’s perspectives while I am full of mine. There doesn’t seem to be a deep enough well for all my thoughts, feelings, and pain. I’m really trying. Please trust that I have rebuked, surrendered, laid down my life, taken up my cross, forsaken myself, honored myself– I have tried every approach I could think of, learned, and was told to try. NOTHING WORKS! So, I’m trying this (public blog) because it’s what feels right for me. And, honestly, it’s working. Today anyway 🙂 It will probably change tomorrow cuz God likes to keep me on my toes. 😅
The point: I would love it if fellow believers could join me in praying that the Holy Spirit reveals this stronghold and resolution to me so I can cast it out in Jesus name and be done with this love and life and growth killer once and for all!!!
A few nights ago Bryce anointed me with oil and we prayed that the stronghold would be released in Jesus name. I am actually feeling a little lighter which is just positively AMAZING.
Would you be willing to join me in asking God to reveal the strongholds in and around my life and join me in binding them up and casting them out? I have been feeling the weight of captivity for too long. I’m weary. I want peace and joy and love and reconciliation.
Thank you ❤
Honest. Kind. Shine.
How to Break Strongholds and Keep them Broken!
https://www.victorious.org/pub/breaking-strongholds-141
1. AUTHORITY — Every believer has the right to use the authority of Jesus’ name to bind and take authority over Satan’s activities. “No one can enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man, and then he will plunder his house” (Mark 3:27). Issue a spoken command to the devil that he is bound and he must leave the stronghold! Exercising authority in the name of Jesus will expel the Devil’s influence. “And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues…” (Mark 16:17).
2. INTERCESSION — Come together with other believers to pray and intercede against strongholds until you get results. There is intensified power in the gathering of more believers. Prayer with fasting intensifies faith, and faith will break strongholds. “Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast him out? …However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:19,21).
3. DISPLACEMENT — Establish the presence of God. Where Satan has been commanded to leave, fill it up with God’s presence. Where the presence of the Lord is, the Devil isn’t! Satan doesn’t want to hang around where people are lifting up Jesus in worship, in singing and prayer. The presence of the Lord displaces the Devil. “For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).
4. RESISTANCE — Submit yourselves and draw close to God. The Bible says this is how we resist Satan and he will flee. The Devil runs from submitted, yielded Christians who pray, fast, worship and humble themselves to follow and obey God’s Word. “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
5. OCCUPATION — Give no place or vacancy to the Devil. With Satan departed, fill the void with God. Let righteousness be the standard rule and behavior. Provide no pocket of rebellion, corruption or immorality in which Satan can find refuge to rebuild his influence or strength. The scripture says to not “give place to the devil” (Eph. 4:27).
6. FORTIFICATION — Clothe yourself with God’s armor. Take upon you daily, the full array of God’s spiritual equipment that you may maintain battle-ready status. With the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit (God’s Word) and the other links of armor (Eph. 6:13-17), you will be ready to resist any satanic assault, and will be ready to engage the strongholds in others. “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11).
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I’ll just be upfront. It’s going to take a minute for it all to come out. This is a long game, friends. I hope you’ll be patient with me as I work it out. Like every good story, mine has a lot of groundwork to be laid (lain? loin? ha) before I can build my castle.
In order to get it you have to know how I got here.
This secret, my secret, was a secret to me until about six weeks ago. It’s not a secret that I’ve kept intentionally. It’s not like I’ve been walking around with a ticking time bomb. I haven’t been worried that someone was going to poke me and I would just explode with it. I thought I dealt with it. I thought ‘it’ was DONE.
I didn’t even know it was there.
Remember, in my last post, Pearls Before Swine, I shared that I’m a very vulnerable person. This is a badge of honor I wear as I believe being authentic and vulnerable in a world of robots is a difficult achievement.
There’s a bible verse that says, “guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. (Proverbs 4:23) Wellllllll…. Lots of people who have seen me hurting would say, ‘you’re hurting because you’re not guarding your heart, Kitty”. I’ve interpreted this one scripture many different ways. I’ve heard it interpreted many different ways. When said to or about me, usually the message is ‘if you would keep your mouth shut then you wouldn’t say things to the wrong people and then you wouldn’t get hurt.’ After all, I am so easy to misunderstand, right? And no one really cares to hear what I (or anyone ) has to say, right??
Ugh, the messaging and programming we all have to undo. It’s hard work.
This bible verse alone has taken many different variations.
Here are some of my (very POOR) interpretations… Which ones have you believed?
‘Don’t say anything that people don’t want to hear. If you do, they will trample on it’ (look at me incorporating pearls before swine too!)
‘Your heart is where your lust is, so therefore you have to protect the world from your lust, your sin.’
‘Your heart is deceitful, you can’t trust it; you must shield it from the world.’
‘Oh, you feel “x”? That’s because you’re not guarding your heart. You can’t trust your feelings, they lie. So does your heart.’
‘No one will understand your heart so you must protect it from the world.’
‘If you reveal your heart to the wrong person you are responsible for their feelings and ultimately their destruction.’
‘If you share your feelings with the wrong person/people you are responsible for their reaction. If they hurt you in their response to your feelings, it’s your fault. You should have guarded your heart better.’
I think we get it. Even well-meaning Christians, myself included, sometimes have a really warped sense of Scripture. I’m not saying all of my interpretations are 100% wrong. What I am saying though is that these interpretations have really messed me up. As a result, I have taken MY truth and locked it away in the pit of my soul and threw away the key. This is how it became a secret I didn’t know I was keeping.
I’ve done this before. I will circle back around to this, too.
A while back, one of my favorite people said to me, “you are the most genuine person I’ve ever met”. Prior to this statement, I hadn’t thought of myself as a “genuine person”. In fact, I hadn’t really thought of myself as anything but me. I gathered that being genuine was something he valued, something rare. I still remember this special moment, how I felt so seen and known. After his comment, I began looking around and paying attention to other people… asking myself, ‘isn’t everyone genuine’? Nearly 30 years old and I had never thought that people would be anything but their real self. Funny how our own ‘self’ shapes how we see the world. Unlucky for me, I quickly and have endlessly realized how disingenuous most people are. I also quickly realized how REAL I am… you get what you see, folks… There are no surprises here.
Genuine. Authentic. Vulnerable. Real. These are words I have learned to use to describe myself since that dear friend of mine put a name to WHO I am. He helped me to see…me. What a gift.
“Well…well…well… how the turntables.” – Michael Scott (Office fans, anyone?)
All this was at least true until I realized that it wasn’t…………oh how the mighty have fallen.
I have a secret that I’ve kept burrowed deep deep down inside of me until well…. yeah, it exploded. Those who know me well, and those who have been paying attention to my social media have probably picked up on the hints I’ve dropped by asking for prayer and other things that I’ve been sharing here and there because well, I’ve been oozing with it. I have literally felt pain in my heart from all this love and grief and hope and lies and joy and soul crushing sadness.
Oh, I wish it was easy to explain. It’s not, hence why I’m here… writing this blog… my whole truth for the world to see because it just has to be known. I have to say it. I feel called to do this and I truly believe that God has prepared and equipped and continues to give me everything I need to do this.
Thanks for being patient with me.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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Third post in and I’m going to actually start, I think.
As a therapist, I am always paying attention to how my clients set up their story. Do they dive right in? Or does it take them a few sessions to open up? Everyone is different and while I want to be a safe space where my clients can just ‘spill the tea’, everyone has a different process and that’s okay.
Me? I am a hedger. I tiptoe. Especially with people I don’t know if I can trust. I have always had difficulty being direct. Obviously, this is obvious lol. Three posts in and I’ve barely said anything of substance. With my husband and my friends I’m not usually this way… but I’m writing this for the world. I’m writing it for you. YOU you (iykyk) but also you- the one who has a hard time hearing hard stuff. I know, this is frustrating. To both me and the listener.
JUST GET TO THE POINT, KITTY! Ugh, if I had a nickel…
Well, sorry folks, but I’m still growing. And maybe at blog post #3297 I’ll just be able to SPIT IT OUT, but not today. This is my process and I’m allowing myself to have it. Kudos to those out there who can just blurt things out and deal with the consequences (or not). I’ve tried different styles of sharing and well, this one is just what works best for me. (A little insider tip for those who don’t care for tiptoeing or hedging, just skip the first 2 paragraphs or so until I get better at spilling the tea, lol)
Remember, Post #one I shared that I’ve kept a secret for TEN YEARS. I’m not just going to blurt it out. Frame it however you want. Am I stringing you along or am I setting the groundwork? I believe good foundations make it possible to build good houses. So this is me, setting the foundation. Despite what some may think, I don’t usually go around just dropping bombs. I try not to anyway.
In one of my first posts I shared that writing is difficult for me. Not because I don’t like writing (I DO!), but because writing, sharing my thoughts, my heart and soul, has a strong trauma attachment and trigger. I will share more about that in a future post, but “pearls before swine” is a part of that trauma story.
I’ve always been a vulnerable person. I have no problem sharing my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. Someday I’ll dive much deeper into this, but for now, we’ll just say it’s a super fun combo of personality + trauma + attachment + coping styles that makes me this way. I truly don’t mind laying it all out there for people to see. Unfortunately, people don’t always like or understand what they see or what they hear. And because of filters and programming, people seem to have lots of opinions. For the majority of my life, this equation: my heart + people’s opinions, has not worked out well for me. I’ve had to do all kinds of healing to get to a place where I can be me and not want to die. That’s heavy, I know. I’ll circle back.
People mean well. I know they do. But man, the TRUTH IS… “people” have hurt me, misunderstood me, invalidated me, and trampled on my heart (my thoughts, feelings, needs, experiences) with the things that they’ve said while trying to figure out what to do with my big ol messy heart.
Here’s an incomplete list of the shit people say/the beliefs I’ve developed as a result of the shit people say:
- Guard your heart
- Don’t throw your pearls at swine
- Don’t air your dirty laundry
- You’re exhausting
- No one wants to hear that
- TMI
- You’re flooding
- You’re oversharing
- This is too much
- You’re too much
- I don’t have time for this
- I can’t be part of your process
- You’re being dramatic
- Just stop thinking/feeling that way
- You’re not allowed to think/feel that
- Not everyone deserves to see your heart
- And on and on and on it goes….
Let me make one thing very very clear…. I’m not saying they’re wrong. I agree with or understand most of these statements, especially the biblical ones……….in principle. The problem is, like with most quippy saying and stupid things people say, is that if you say them to a CHILD or if you say them to someone who has been TRAUMATIZED and forced to keep a secret all their childhood… well, folks, you are then the ‘swine’. In trying to “help” me, my “friends”, family, therapists, pastors, etc etc etc have actually taken my pearls and trampled all over them. In trying to “help” me they actually hurt me. Just more reasons to keep it all stuffed in.
IYKYK, am I right?
Chances are, if you’re an unempathetic or unsafe person you probably won’t end up here so I can just be straight without worrying about “their” feelings. Because that’s what us big hearted people do. We care. We care so much about everyone else that we forsake ourselves and spend decades ruminating on what they say, and thus proving that no one will want to or be able to hear our heart.
I really only have two choices. I can continue doing some version of what I’ve done my whole life– keeping it all locked up for the most part and sharing bits and pieces with a select few “culturally approved” listeners or…… I can do what I’m doing right here right now and love myself HARD aaaaand bare it all for the world to see.
It’s what I want to do. It’s what my life thus far has set me up to do. I’ve worked through and I’m committed to being okay even if others are not okay with me. I believe it all will be for the GOOD of mankind. My prayer is that it glorifies God.
So, my friends, you have a choice. You can be safe or you can be swine. Maybe someday, when I get up on my therapist’s soap box, I’ll do a little lesson on how to hold space. Until then, just know that when someone cracks open and shares their heart with you, the last thing they need is comments or implications like those above. We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we filter information coming in. Which is why I’m doing this. I’m choosing to blog because people can choose to come here and read it. You can stop reading whenever you want and you can come back whenever you want. You can also ignore it and carry on.
I’ve spent too much of my life begging, pleading, and teaching those who “love” me how to listen. I’ve spent too much of my life begging and waiting around for someone to give me the basic human right to take up space. I have a voice and I’m going to use it. You don’t have to listen. I don’t need anyone or everyone to listen. I just need to put it all out there because I know that there has to be someone, someone just like me, who’s been silenced and caged and tamed and who wants to be set free but doesn’t know how to make it happen.
I’m going to be a part of the ‘Glennon Doyle movement’ in this world- untamed and brave, empowering, authentic, and free. ❤
Here are my pearls. Here is my heart. Ready or not, let’s ride.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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I’m 38 and finally getting honest. Like really honest. Like most people, I think, we don’t get honest until we HAVE to. That was the case for me anyway. I’ve kept a secret for nearly 10 years. Yep, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to air my dirty laundry- which is a funny expression that literally means something different than what it figuratively means. Like being a devil’s advocate- but that’s a topic for a different day. I’m going to air my dirty laundry so 1) it doesn’t stink up my house anymore and 2) because nature cleans. The sun purifies. So this is me, all of me- the good, bad, and ugly… out there for the world to see. I hope I’ll inspire you to air your dirty laundry, too. I’ll grab the soap and let’s let the Light bleach out our dark spots 🙂
I like to write my thoughts. There’s something cathartic about handwriting- letting the energy flow out of your fingertips, through a pen, and scratching onto paper. I’m sure there are ways to transcribe written thought into type but I’m not very techy and I just neeeed to get this all out of me before I lose my brave again and squelch my soul for another 10 years.
I’ve struggled with writing. There are a few reasons for this, but the most significant one is trauma based. The crazy thing about trauma is that often what’s hurt you, when reframed and reclaimed, is also what heals you. It’s taken me 38 years to reframe and reclaim writing and sharing MY truth. We all have a truth inside of us and I don’t think it’s possible to find The Truth until we move through our own truth, weed out what fits and what doesn’t, and once we know who we really are, at our core, (something the LGBTQ+ community is doing SO well and MANY praises to them for teaching us all how to shine!) we can discern what we want to keep, what we want to get rid of, and what needs to change. I’m not a scientist but I imagine this is the process for developing medicines that fix us. This process of discovery, raw soul discovery, I imagine is just like that. Why we don’t encourage more of it is beyond my current understanding. As Jim Gaffigan would say, “So simple.”
So, welcome. Welcome to a nearly 4 decade long journey of becoming and unbecoming, doing and undoing, being force fed a lie and now purging my truth.
Keturah Mae Shine 