Category: For you
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I’ve wanted to say this for A LONG TIME.
Like YEARSSSS.
Something I’m learning on my spiritual journey is that only love is real. Only Unconditional Love exists. So… anything that doesn’t align with that is an illusion. Hurt, pain, sickness, death, fear, anger, judgement, etc etc etc… It’s all an illusion. Of course you can experience the illusion of these things. But this is why some people don’t get sick or don’t have the same fears. Because it’s not real. It’s why LOVE CONQUERS ALL. Because IT IS REAL.
This is why Jesus could heal and walk on water and ascended. Because he tore the veil between truth and lies. Between reality and illusion.
The church I grew up in (not the building but the theology) taught me that God is angry, judging me, and that I’m a deplorable sinner. That I must “carry my cross” and accept the “thorn in my side”. Even recently a pastor said to me that marriage is something we must “burden under”!!!
Wait… What?!?!?!
If God is love and God made me and God is perfect and can only make perfect things (right?!?!) Then I am perfect. I get the whole “fallen world” bit. Jesus paid it all so we wouldn’t have to suffer. So we wouldn’t have to be burdened. That’s the gift!!!! What’s the point of Jesus if we still live burdened or in captivity to our sin??? Did he pay it all or not? Is God perfect or not? Am I made in his image or not? A good God would not “burden” his children with marriage. That’s nonsense.
Jesus paid it all. Grace is free. We’re free. It wasn’t an affair. I was, it IS, LOVE 😘
I want to share a little story about how God’s grace really showed up during this 10-year journey since I met my twin flame.
After my twin flame and I met and ‘happened’ my pastor and therapist called it an affair and demonized us. No one would listen. I didn’t understand so I couldn’t make anyone else understand. I had so much guilt and shame over our connection and our love for each other and how that was expressed in the physical. It was beautiful and horrible. I felt so alive and so terrible. I was so in love and couldn’t have him.
If you’ve been here and have a conscience, you get it. I went on a 3-year journey of trying to understand how and why I found myself in an “affair”… It was SO out of character for me. During that time, God really revealed to me the true meaning of grace, which even though I grew up as a Bible thumping evangelical Christian, I had no idea what grace was until then. I did a lot of healing and God really showed up with so much love for me. Grace became my life source.
Today I was listening to the song Flawless by MercyMe and was reminded of a really sweet gift.
About 8 years ago, I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. During the pregnancy, this song, Flawless, was on the radio A LOT. I love singing it, it’s such a great song 💓
Every time it would get to the lyrics “Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”, I would be overwhelmed with emotion and the baby would start kicking and fluttering about.
I felt like angels were singing over me. 🥰
Fast forward to the day my daughter was born. We didn’t have a name picked out for her. All I knew was that her middle name would be Grace.
She was born on her great-grandfather’s birthday so we chose to name her Anna after his mother, her great great grandmother. About 12 hours after she was born, my mom asked ” What does the name Anna mean?” I didn’t know because we hadn’t considered it for her first name so we looked it up…
Well… It means Grace. 💫
Yeah, her name is Grace Grace! 😂😍💓
The first night we spent together she woke up to nurse and Flawless was playing in my head. At that moment God’s grace and love washed over me. I realized that God knew all along that her name would be “Grace Grace” and that’s why those lyrics filled me with so much emotion!
“Let me introduce you to Grace Grace, God’s grace”.
Back then I thought my daughter was a gift from God as part of my redemption story. It was my “reward” for choosing my marriage and doing everything that I could to heal from my “affair” and rebuild the marriage. I thought God showed me grace by giving me a perfect daughter because I made the “right” choice…
I no longer believe that. I do believe she is a gift of grace, but not because I earned her.
God loves me so he’s going to bless me no matter what. God loves me no matter what. There is no condemnation! There is NO SIN. It’s an ILLUSION.
It wasn’t an affair. We didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t hurt anyone. We didn’t hurt each other. I don’t have the power to hurt someone. We are eternal beings, made in God’s image. We can only experience the illusion of “hurt”. This is why when we THINK differently, we can make that pain go away.
I now KNOW that what happened between me and my twin was NOT an affair. In fact, I believe that I had an affair with my ex-husband! My spiritual teachers teach that having sex with anyone but your twin flame is like having sex with a sibling! Well, this made that whole relationship make sense….. 💀😂😅 I believe this truth is one of the HUGE reasons many couples don’t enjoy or stop enjoying intimacy/sex in relationships/marriage. Because hormones and the high only lasts so long. And your soul KNOWS you’re being intimate with a sibling 🤢
But the passion and romance between twins never fades. It’s why I still have feelings and desires ten years later! (And we didn’t even speak for the last 5 years!)
Twin Flame love is MAGIC ❤️🔥 I was married for 4 years when I met my twin (11 years ago). Even though I was already married to someone else, I always felt like I was betraying my twin, betraying us, by being in my marriage and doing married… things. I didn’t understand this because I thought I should have guilt because I was married and feeling desire for someone else. I didn’t have any guilt about my feelings about him until the “church” piled it on.
I never enjoyed doing married things. I’d pull away from touch, from hugs and kisses… I never initiated sex. I was irritable, annoyed, suicidal, in constant pain, lackluster, and just downright miserable. I thought something was wrong. with. me. Nothing I did made it better. And I TRIED.
I now understand that God gave me a living gift of Grace to show me how innocent and worthy of Love I am. I’m worthy of all my Good. I’m worthy of a marriage that is passionate and reciprocal and always growing, never stagnant. The ONLY relationship this is always possible with is your twin flame.
It’s not woowoo. It’s science. It works the same for EVERY twin flame. A method. A process. It’s God. You must have a close, intimate, safe, very personal relationship with God before you can be in Harmony with your twin.
My exhusband and I are smart, kind, committed, selfless, spiritual and loving people!!!!! We tried and tried. We used every resource, every method to heal and grow our relationship. It didn’t work because we’re not twin flames. It was destined to fail. And it did. When we made the decision to end it it fell apart, no problem. No drama.
My daughter is 7 now and the other day she said, unprompted, “I’m okay with you loving (my TF) because I already know him”. She was not even one the last time she saw him.
Her soul knows. My kids love him because HE IS ME!!! No introduction needed. No need to get to know him. If you know me, you already know him. 🥰
Final thoughts…
I don’t know if anyone else has boat loads of religious indoctrination and trauma, but, I want to confidently say that YOU ARE FLAWLESS.
You are perfect 💖
God’s Grace covers all.
And if you and your TF had an affair, I want to say —
IT WASN’T AN AFFAIR!!! 💥
There was always a grander, more beautiful, incredibly loving plan and reason for why he and I happened when we did. God is still revealing this to me, but I absolutely believe now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t an affair. It was love, it IS love, and God is love. I’m free from all guilt, shame, and condemnation!
Because of grace, grace, God’s grace ❤️🔥
I’m so thankful for this journey, so thankful for my coach and spiritual teachers, I’m so thankful for my community. I’m finally home ❤️
Honest. Kind. Shine. XxOoXXo.
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Ugh like all things, I struggle to just SAY IT. I was on the fence about writing, or when I would. But a dear sweet friend of mine from way back in highschool (middle school but we weren’t friends… Yet!!!) sent me this shirt and the affirming message with it…
I hold back because I worry about everyone’s feelings, even my twin flame’s feelings… I don’t want to upset anyone or worse …upset myself lol! I worry worry worry and as a result I keep my mouth shut. 39 years of doing this has proven that it’s NOT working. I wanted to DIE being quiet. (Really it was just my truth wanted the silenced part of me to die, I didn’t literally want to die … just want to make that clear 😅)
This journey is SAVING MY LIFE. It’s bringing me back to life. It’s breathing life back into these dry bones. Like the lyrics from our song…
“You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me”I thought I needed my twin to rescue me but nope. It was God. He left the 99 and came after me… Stranded on the edge of a cliff, about to fall off 😅
Look at me… The G.O.A.T. 😂🔥
He caught me flying, flailing, desperately screaming and plopped me right in Twin Flame Ascension school.
I’m SO GRATEFUL!!!
This is my journey back to God, into a deeper more meaningful, whole, trusting relationship and why would I not share that?!
Also, say it with me…
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE’S FEELINGS!
Just mine.
Just me.
That’s all I’m responding for.
So if this upsets you, take it to God. And do the mirror exercise. Claim your healing and claim your good. That’s what God really wants for us ❤️
Soooo, stay tuned! I’m gonna share all the beautiful details of my incredible twin flame journey 🔥🔥
Oh, and adding a new signature in honor of my beautiful twin 🥰
Honest. Kind. Shine.
XxOoXXo. (Said with the voice of jack black from nacho libre.. Big hug…little hug…Big kiss…little kiss…two Big hugs…little kiss.)
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My senior year of college, I made this art piece to represent the word “joy”.
While I think it’s a fair representation of the word, I think a better word fits…
Resiliency.
I’m only now connecting this word to this creation.
Only now after fully liberating myself.
Bryce and I had been dating 3 years at the time I created this (2006). We were already engaged to be married the following April. My whole undergraduate experience in school for art therapy allowed me to, gave me the space to, creatively and artistically express our evolving relationship.
Now, almost 20 years later, I look at this art piece (and other similar ones I’ve created since…) And I’m realizing a few things….
This heart is not healed.
This heart is wrapped in wire (representing chains), has holes punctured in and through it.
It’s wrapped in plaster of paris, which if you’ve ever used, you know that shit is hard as rock.
It’s also a box. A box that I wrapped over and over again so that it could never be opened.
Then, on top of it all, I gave it away. I left it in My Father’s House.
I didn’t even want to keep my “joy”.
I never realized all the symbolism until now…and how incredibly telling and foreshadowing it is.
When I made this art piece I had Bryce in mind. Nineteen years ago I fell head over heels for him, and not even two months into my first adult romantic relationship I was planning marriage and forever. That’s all I ever wanted. Something that would last and something safe and stable. Something better than what I had as a kid.
I was on my way to making that dream a reality. I thought he was the reason I felt joy, the reason I was radiating. I thought he was the one who helped me shine. And while there is some truth here, it’s not the whole truth.
Side note… ironically, our wedding song was “At my most beautiful” by R.E.M. … Here’s some lyrics…
I’ve found a way to make you
I’ve found a way
A way to make you smileHere’s me ATM….
Why did we pick this song? Seriously? My nickname almost everywhere has been something smiley of sorts… people always comment on how much I smile. Why would we pick a song whose lyrics say ‘i found a way to make you smile’??? Two words.
Cognitive Dissonance.
Sometime after high school (2002 or so) I painted this at church during worship.
I was still attending The Father’s House in Lewisburg and they offered lots of different ways to experience worship- one of them was painting. I will always take advantage of any opportunity to play with paint ❤️
Bryce and I weren’t yet dating when I created this 2002 piece.
As you can see, I have a theme. Both art pieces obviously represent a radiant light bursting out from the inside of a wounded heart.
There’s a saying that goes,
The scripture is also just so perfect:
“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.” Isaiah 60:1
I remember picking this verse. I obviously didn’t know what my life had in store. But it’s just so absolutely perfect for today, for my new journey.
I had no other choice but to believe Isaiah 60:1 as a girl becoming a woman. I had to believe that God’s light would shine in and through me. I would be dead without this belief, I know it. God’s love and light has ALWAYS been alive and well within me.
The box light, “Joy” was created after I had found “the love of my life”, the man I was planning to marry.
So… why would I create an art piece that looked like I had experienced more pain and was in more bondage than the painting I created even before I told someone about my childhood sexual abuse? You would think that my heart would look more healed after sharing that weight and beginning to heal. You would think “grief shared is grief divided”. You would think that joy would look more whole, especially because I’m engaged and planning a wedding! But my art doesn’t depict this.
A picture really does say a thousand words.
There’s all kinds of ways to pick this apart and you can think whatever you want but here’s the truth:
My art showed more pain because I was in more pain. My art revealed more bondage because I was in more bondage. I just didn’t know it.
Bryce is a good human and I don’t want to shame or humiliate him. That is not the intention of my writing. My intention is to share my heart, MY experience, and why it took me 19 years to come to this realization and decision.
He was and has always been loving towards me, supportive, and has cared very much about and for me. He is a good father, a good human, and he was a good husband. I know he loved me the best way he could. But… things happened. As they do in every relationship. Nothing serious, nothing major, but… I’m a sensitive person, an HSP, an empath, and I have a lot of feelings. I needed someone who could care for my feelings in an attentive and gentle way. I now know that I was created to experience a deep soulful, emotional, transcendental love.
When I was 20, with all my trauma festering under the surface, and in desperate need of a knight in shining armor, Bryce was right there. I splashed him with a puddle of muddy water and he paid attention to me. We both did the best we could with what we had. We both really really really tried.
But the heart I gave to him was first scarred by abuse in 1994 and then hardened and chained by betrayal in 2004. I realize now that my heart never functioned the same after that betrayal. I’m resilient and I have the Love of God alive in me so yes, I still shine. To the world I looked fine. To me I felt fine. Happy. Blissful even.
Cognitive Dissonance.
I’m a happy person. That might be a personality trait or it might be a survival skill, maybe both. Be happy or someone will notice that you’re dying inside. Someone will see that I was broken and I had no soft place to land. So, what’s a 23 year old to do? I had no idea how wounded I was. I had no idea how hurt I was. I had no idea what Love was. I was starved as a child so breadcrumbs felt like Shady Maple. (Look it up.)
I didn’t know I plastered my heart and wrapped it in wire and chains sometime in 2004. And then made art to represent the truth but called it “joy” instead. But I did.
Cognitive Dissonance.
My heart stayed that way until fire and gasoline and Love set me on fire and set my light free for a minute in 2012. I wasn’t supposed to…. But I fell in Love. Real Love. Transcendental, Divine LOVE. It took me ten years to realize that what I experienced with him was NOTHING like anything I had ever experienced before or after. This. Is. Special. This love healed my heart. This love set me free. This love inspired me, ignited me, raptured me. This love brought me back to God.
But as soon as I set myself free by choosing myself for the first time ever in my life, I had to deny myself again. Because I wasn’t allowed to have it. I had to surrender Transcendental, Unconditional Love. I already had “love” and I “need to be happy with what you have”. “Stop wanting more.” “What you have is enough.” “This is God’s will.”
But my heart was exploding. My heart was breaking free.
I thought I lost this photograph. Abraham Hicks says You can’t find something you think is lost. If you believe it’s lost the universe will align with you and keep it lost. You have to believe it’s found. I wasn’t looking and BAM there it was. I looked and looked for this photo in July. I found it while looking for a different photo last night.
I painted this in 2012 or so, in my bed, next to Bryce while he slept. This painting was me giving myself permission to feel my feelings. My therapist at the time told me I wasn’t allowed to feel my feelings (!!!😵!!!) but I think I might have died if I didn’t. I HAD to create. I had to get it out of me. I was exploding with Love and grief.
I had so much love energy…so much passion…I just had to create. I pulled paints and brushes and just sobbed and slapped paint all over the canvas…all over our bed. I screamed and cried and my husband slept. This is a pretty telling example of my emotional experience in our relationship.
My heart found Unconditional Love and I wasn’t allowed to have it. I was in Love and then I was forced to grieve an untimely and premature death. I was in Love and no one would listen. I was in Love and I was forced to kill it. We created a perfect Love…and I destroyed it.
It wasn’t long after this that I started shutting down my feelings again.
I took this photo of my painting before I cut into the canvas and stabbed the heart with a railroad spike. I’m glad I took this picture… Because look at it. No wire. No plaster. No chains. Just a huge explosion. I think this painting is more similar to the one I painted in 2002 than the box I created in 2006.
Before I decided on divorce, I felt so much pain in my chest. I even went to the ER. Of course they sent me home fine, a clean bill of health. But I knew what was wrong. My heart was broken. I lost touch with Love. I thought it was breaking because of someone else. That’s not true.
There are two truths about my heart pain… 1) my heart was waking up, reactivating, remembering Love. Like being shocked by an AED 2) my heart was breaking. I was and had been grieving the end of my marriage for a very very very long time.
In fact, I think I’ve been in the bargaining stage of grief for well over 10 years. Like I said, we really really tried.
There are moments between 2009 to the present where I lost touch with my heart. Like, I couldn’t find the Love I’ve always known… My resilience, my radiance….it faded in and out. Sometime between 2012 and 2022 I almost completely lost touch with Love. It’s like I was spinning in space, further and further away from my Source.
Over the past ten years, I’ve become increasingly angry, arrogant, depressed, and like… Dead. I’ve often wondered…why can’t I cry? Why can’t I feel? My feelings would build and build until they exploded. I kept attracting relationships that would end chaotically. Then and only then would I be able to cry… But I wouldn’t cry. I would bawl. Hyperventilate. Spin into suicidal ideation.
For ten years I recreated in most of my new relationships (and several existing) the devastating loss I experienced in 2012. Losing people was the only way I could feel anything. I’m just realizing this now.
After my heart exploded in 2012, I went away on a mini weekend retreat and painted again.
While away on my “MEtreat”, I received a vision while meditating. The vision was of a healed heart in the clouds, like heaven.
I went to a Catholic college so the sacred heart was displayed everywhere. I never really noticed though how much it resembled all the art I’ve created through the years. I think my art, like Sacred Heart art, is divinely inspired. Actually, I know it is.
So, I began painting. I started with the clouds and I knew I wanted to paint a healed heart in these clouds.
But… There was one problem….I was thinking about someone else. Buuuuut I was married to Bryce.
The GUILT was consuming. How. Dare. I. Love. Another. I’m Deplorable. Vile. Adulterous.
But…
Somewhere along the way I stumbled upon quotes like “don’t follow your heart for it is deceitful above all things”. And “marriage isn’t supposed to make you happy, it’s supposed to make you holy”.
So, because I believe the Bible and those in spiritual power, I began to forsake my heart, kill love, and stab myself with ice picks (migraines) and my side with thorns (chronic bladder spasms). I also chained my mouth shut (TMJ). I carried the weight of grief and condemnation on my shoulders (chronic shoulder and back pain).
In 2013 I was still in Love’s presence and the vision was still alive in my soul. But still, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get the vision to leave my brain, my soul, and flow out of a paintbrush. I couldn’t bring paint to canvas. The desire was there. The will was there. The image carved itself into my brain. But I was blocked. I couldn’t find my heart.
It’s interesting how this painting actually shows that. Just a blank space where something is supposed to be. I’ve held onto this canvas for 10 years. I almost threw it away this summer but Liam convinced me to keep it. He said, “you’ll figure it out mama, I know you will”. Oh Liam, you really were shaped by Love when you were in my tummy ❤️ He knows. He gets it.
Almost two months ago I was still in crisis. I couldn’t sleep, eat, function. I stopped working because I COULDN’T. It would have been unethical… I couldn’t do it. It’s hard to explain. I wasn’t depressed. I was….stuck. I now know that God put a hold on me to get me to WAKE UP.
And I did! Thank you Jesus! He left the 99 and he came for me. He brought me home, fed me, gave me a warm bed and clean pjs. And began breathing life into my dry and dead bones.
In June, I set off running on a feeling journey, a journey back to my heart, back to Love. It has been…. interesting. There have been twists and turns and distractions and decoys. I’ve also experienced a lot of miracles – like completely resolved migraines that I had almost daily for 10 years. Completely resolved TMJ. Completely resolved chronic neck and shoulder pain. No changes were made except I got HONEST about my FEELINGS.
February 2004-October 18 2022 was a classic case of extreme cognitive dissonance exacerbated by a warped belief system full of dogma, judgement, condemnation, lies, and bullshit. It took me four months to unpack 10+ years of confusion and pain. In the process of unpacking, I tried everything. I even tried exploring polyamory to resolve my “problem” 😂 I can laugh at this now because it’s just so silly. What I really needed…
Was to end my marriage.
So I did.
Looking back, I can see that on 6/26/22, my heart couldn’t handle the lies I kept telling myself and it just cracked open. Just like it did in June of 2012, almost exactly 10 years earlier.
It took four months for everything that I kept buried deep inside to come out. And then, finally, once I got it all out… I had an epiphany. And asked myself….”how would you feel if you got divorced”?
The answer?
Relieved.
Devasted. But relieved. I never allowed myself to consider divorce. It was off the table. I didn’t use that word. Instead, I allowed myself to become suicidal. I would fantasize disappearing. Like I never existed. No one would mourn my absence, I wouldn’t have to bother anyone with my death. I would just POOF be gone . I understand now that there was a part of me that was screaming HELP! Get me out of here! LEAVE! But I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. It wasn’t an option.
And…to boot… Our marriage was pretty good! Not terrible. But somewhere along the way I realized that some needs…needs most people don’t talk about…had never been met. Except for that one time in 2012. And now that I was allowing myself to consider that moment as something GOOD, it all started to click together. Like Clark and his Christmas lights…
Ten years of pining and thinking and wondering and crying and nearly dying…. I figured it out.
I love Bryce. But I was never IN LOVE. I know, it’s surprising. Looking at us you’d think we were.
We’re both very easy going people, very kind people. We have a good friendship. We work well together. I’m a very loving person, especially when I feel safe. Bryce rescued me from my family of origin, parts of which were physically abusive. I have always felt physically safe with Bryce.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs illustrates that people cannot grow or actualize until basic needs are met. Physical safety is a basic need.
But I’m more than just a physical person. I’m an emotional person. I’m a sexual person. I’m a spiritual person. I had no idea that safety in these areas, all areas, was possible OR necessary to make a marriage not only work, but PASSIONATE.
There was no passion in our marriage. There was no shared depth of emotion. There was love, there was fun, there was adventure, there was conversation, there was friendship. But we did not have passion. We did not share deep emotion. It takes two to tango as they say….and I’ve been trying to tango alone and drag him along for 19 years. (funny because he doesn’t like to dance)…
There was more than that missing/problematic, but that’s as much as I’m willing to share publicly. You just have to accept that my marriage was not healthy for me anymore. I outgrew it as I grew in some extremely foundational areas.
I don’t owe anyone an explanation. That’s not why I’m doing this. I’m writing this because I KNOW I can’t be the only one. Everyone deserves Love.
Soul mate relationships are nice. They are cozy, warm, basic. No drama. But, in soul mate relationships, you don’t really grow. You get stagnant. Bored. You gain weight, lose hair, collect a ton a shit you don’t need. Most of America exists like this. But just because it’s normal doesn’t make it right.
Everyone thinks that just by identifying as a Christian that they’re not conforming. But have you been to a mega church? Have you talked to a conservative Christian since 2020? I think Christians have a knack for conforming, too.
I think this Romans verse is better lived out by those who go on a true spiritual journey back to God. A wild, crazy, amazing ride back to the heart of God, back to Unconditional Love.
God woke me up in June and poured out his all encompassing and consuming Love, Wisdom, and Truth faster than I could process. AH says that God doesn’t usually give humans a flood of downloads like this because well…we can look and feel a little crazy. Apparently this process is called Kundalini awakening .
As a result of my spiritual awakening, I discovered Truth, Peace, and Love again. The fire was relit in my soul. But, it was like a turbo burst and I needed to get control of all of this new and wild energy before I could really get grounded and rest. Chill. I’m now enjoying peace and clarity and Oneness with God and others ❤️ It’s beautiful 🥰
I’m painting again, and received s new/updated inspiration for my 10 year old canvas. It’s not finished yet… It’s missing something, I’m not sure what… But I know I’ll know soon 🔥
I chose divorce and my heart has been set on fire. My heart is healed. It is whole. No more chains, no more scars, no more darkness. Just Love 💘
The inspiration continues as I find my way back into the world. I know when I’m aligned with God, with Love, when I can turn my visions into reality. I know I’m following God’s call on my life when the fruit of the spirit blossoms from my life’s tree. Since ending my marriage I have reconciled multiple relationships. I’ve passed my licensure exam. I’m envisioning my future and making my dreams come true. There is no longer a shortage of love. Some marriages are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay ❤️
Please don’t apologize for our divorce. We are both happier now. This is truly what’s best for everyone.
When you choose Unconditional Love, everyone wins. Love wins. ❤️
Honest. Kind. Shine.
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I write when I feel inspired. It’s like the words can’t help but fall from my lips, or fingertips, rather. The past 3-4 months are evidence of a lot of inspiration ….but also evidence of a lot of chaos which has come as a result of absolute panic.
Remember I said I had a secret? Well, the secrets keep unveiling themselves, secrets that I didn’t even know I had….are you seeing a pattern? Apparently I have a lot of them (patterns… And secrets) 😬
If you know me, you know that I’m about as authentic as they come. I have a fierce need to be genuine, to be real. There’s nothing more painful, exhausting, and awkward for me than to be fake or not myself… I’ve only ever been “fake” or dishonest about one thing, one person. Anytime I’ve felt like I have to be something other than I am/was with this person or in regards to this person I FLAILED and flailed hard. Like a chicken with my head cut off. Like a fish out of water.
I panic. I act crazy. I act so out of character and it’s like I can’t stop!!!! I embarrass myself, I embarrassed this person. I broke their trust with my flailing. They trusted me. They hoped I would be who they thought I was… Calm, kind, soft, sweet, silly, safe, warm, inviting, thoughtful, considerate.
But I wasn’t. They trusted me and I flailed and therefore, I failed.
I’ve been wearing a mask.
I’ve been walking with one shoe.
I’ve been painting with the wrong end of the brush.
I’ve managed to keep very essential parts of myself hidden, unseen, unheard, and mostly untouched, and consequently, I’ve disrespected myself, my values, my boundaries, and my needs for most of my life.
How has this happened. How could I, Kitty, have been so disillusioned for so. long.??
It just doesn’t add up. It doesn’t add up to my true nature and who I am at my core. A free spirit, a lover, a force of unbridled passion, creativity that frees and inspires, and a life full of compassion and grace… This is who I know that I am…. yet… It just doesn’t all add up. How can I be so genuine but keep some things so hidden. I’m still uncovering this reality. It’s a painful and humbling process.
(I just had a realization while proof reading…. If I flail and draw attention to that chaotic part of me then it will distract from the deeper hurting powerless part of me. The part of me that experienced the fullness of love but believed she couldn’t have it. The inability to be true to myself in this way is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I flailed because I was in pain. Insurmountable grief. Heart shattered. And a grief that hasn’t stopped in ten years.)
So, yeah, I have secrets that are spilling out, some like acid on soft skin, burning the tender parts of those who get too close. Or that I pull too close. My heart feels like it’s a caged wild bird, full of rage and emotions that come on strong and fast- I’m doing anything and everything to break free from this prison. I’m having realizations and gaining information that is almost too much to process all at once.
When I slow down and take an honest look at myself though, I realize that I’ve been processing all of this slowly for years.
I’ve been quietly untangling every delicate thread and I didn’t even realize it.
I’m not the type to rip and tear unless the thread, or the chain seems unfixable or not worth the untangling effort.
Have you ever helped your grandma untangle a bunch of necklaces?
I was about 14 or so and my Grammy had a few necklaces that got tangled up. She got ‘flustrated’ and offered me a try. Little did I know, I loved the careful process of untangling and unknotting. It was so relieving when I was finally able to pull one loose, to make big progress and work out a giant knot. It’s exhilarating, weirdly. As they say, idle hands are the devil’s playground and when you’re untangling knots, well, it’s impossible for your hands to be idle. Not saying I agree with this sentiment now as an adult, but it was this kind of stuff that was forced into my mind as a kid. Like me and every other overworked and underfun-ed evangelical ever…. we’ve believed some bs.
As a result of the bs lies and a trauma response/anxious/insecure coping mechanism, I meticulously untangle every knot in my mind. Maybe I like doing it. Maybe it’s to my detriment. Maybe it’s both and then something more.
I’m not ready to share my secrets. And maybe I never will, publicly anyway. But, I will say that this is what I realized:
For 10+ years I’ve been untangling one giant mess. I’ve been untying a knot, so to speak.
As I work through it, I find nuggets of truth and hidden gems. Sometimes I flail as I get close to uncovering a diamond or gold. The flailing is, I’m realizing, a response to panic and desperation.
Just imagine that you’re realizing that you’ve been a tangled up mess full of diamonds and gold you didn’t even realize and then one day your Spirit is like “WAKE UP!!! You have gold all tangled up in there!!!! Time to excavate.”
It’s like living in a desert, desperate for water, seeing a mirage and running for it. I’ll always think of Fievel Goes West when I think of mirages.
Admittedly, I haven’t handled this excavating process as delicately as I probably should have. I used hammers and drills when I should have used brushes and picks. I would probably not make a great paleontologist. Or maybe I would… I just need some time on the job.
It makes me sad to think that I may have destroyed precious gems that have been buried deep inside the crevices of my heart, mind, and soul for over a decade. That I didn’t understand until now how delicate this process is. I was so desperate for freedom, for a solution, for love that I flailed. Yes, I flailed.
I set fires with my words, I pushed boundaries with my body and choices. I have not honored myself, my needs, and wants for most of my life so therefore I cannot and have not honored others boundaries. When I’m flailing, I’m unpredictable chaos. Like the high speed chase down RT 15 that ended with the lady’s car on top of the Chinese restaurant…. How did that actually happen anyway???
It’s just embarrassing. I’m humiliated. I’ve lived a life that I thought was good, right, authentic, and God honoring. I’ve done my best to follow the rules, consider scripture, and live a life modeled after the spiritual leaders I respect.
But, I failed. And I flailed.
My favorite coworker and I used to say “everybody panic!!!!” as a joke. Little did he know that I would take him seriously one day.
So yeah. I panicked and pushed you away by trying to pull you close to a hot stove. I flailed and revealed the ugliest parts of myself.
It’s crazy when the thing you love the most is the detriment… Let that sink in.
You can think again, when the hand you wanna hold is a weapon and
You’re nothin’ but skin.As you can tell 😬 I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I’m being hard on myself because I think that if I do it then everyone will leave me alone. Or it won’t hurt so bad when others do it. Maybe they’ll think “she’s already punished herself enough”. It never seems to work out that way. In fact, my vulnerability and transparency seems to set me up for more lashings. People loooove to come after the scapegoat standing on the chopping block. (Hint, it’s me). It’s interesting that I have no problem taking ownership. Too much ownership. Codependency is a bitch.
Yet, it’s no coincidence that on the day I’m feeling guilty and sorry for myself is the day we celebrate the birth of our youngest, Anna Grace.
She’s 7 today. And amazing. My mini. ❤️ She’s everything I dreamed a daughter would be and so so so much more. I would do a lot of things over but not a single second that brought her to me. God knew she’s exactly what I needed to finally learn to love myself. There’s nothing that’s a better teacher than a baby girl who looks, acts, loves, and sees the world like you do. Every moment with her is like watching myself. As a childhood abuse survivor, this is heartbreaking and incredibly healing. Because if I want to do better by her then I have to heal myself. Because a love that pure only can come from a place of deep self love and respect. A deep KNOWING of who you are- holy, perfect, good, and worthy. Not a sinner.
I’m unlearning so much. For her. For all my kids. For myself. They’re worth it. I’m worth it.
She gets a childhood I didn’t have. Stable, peaceful, full of childhood “problems” and joys. She gets the full experience of just being a kid. Giving her this experience is worth every tear, every sacrifice, and every flail. It’s worth every moment that I’ve been untrue to myself. Because I lied for her. I denied myself to give them joys and stability and consistency and love that I never had. And because of that, I don’t regret a thing.
But, time is up now. It’s time to pay attention to my soul. My soul has been quietly screaming, behind closed doors, behind a caged up heart. Very very very very very few people know the reality of my experience – it’s depth, my pain….how hard I’ve tried. How much I’ve cried. How desperate I’ve been to fulfill the law as defined by my spiritual (religious) guides.
I’ve followed the leading of the holy spirit. I’ve committed my life to prayer and to the fruit of the holy spirit. I’m constantly learning, growing, pouring myself into wisdom and goodness. And I’ve still failed. Because I’ve lied. I lied so good I believed it was the truth. I genuinely believed.
It’s crazy how what we believe influences how much we know, even about ourselves.
The good part of all of this is grace.
And now that I’ve spent some time feeling bad and guilty and beating myself up, it’s time to talk about grace, grace, God’s grace.
When I was pregnant with Anna, this song would come on the radio, A LOT. At 2:42 you’ll hear “let me introduce you to grace, grace, God’s grace” and it sounds like angels singing. Every time I heard this frame I would burst into tears uncontrollably… There was just something so compelling about it…
Anna didn’t have a name until she was about 3 hours old. We had discussed naming her Anna if she was born on the 24th because that is also her great grandfather’s birthday, and his mother’s name is Anna. As fate would have it, she was indeed born on grandpa’s birthday. We already had the middle name Grace picked out.
My mom asked when she was about 6 hours old what “Anna” means… Go ahead and Google it. I’ll wait.
So, here she is, Grace Grace- our double portion of grace. How cool is that.
I often wake up around 3am full of emotion – mostly love, especially these days. Sometimes I wake up crying, grieving, full of love so deep that I could drown in it. I so desperately want to be held in these moments. I’ve felt so alone throughout my 39 years…even with the company of the 4 warm bodies that adorn my bed from time to time.
Because the truth is that there’s nothing that comforts better than God’s embrace. I’m sure He’s held me more times than I’m aware of.
Our first night together, I fell asleep breastfeeding my brand new almost 9 pound bundle of girly goodness and woke up, about 3am to this song, her song, playing in my head. Anna looked up at me as I heard the lyrics, and angels sang, ‘Let me introduce you to Grace, Grace, God’s Grace.’
I flashbacked to every moment I heard that song while I was pregnant with her. Every moment I had to pull over in the car because I was overwhelmed by God’s love and embrace. Every time I fell to my knees because it was like angels were singing inside of my womb.
And then, there she was, Anna Grace- the girl who would have only been named Anna if she was born on that day… TEN LONG DAYS after her due date. It was meant to be. ❤️
Three short years before this I got caught up in one of the most difficult, life changing moments of my existence. I felt incredibly guilty for my choices, for such a long time. I beat myself up more than necessary, especially as I see it all so much more clearly now.
For yearsss I’ve been so unkind to myself because of guilt. I’ve denied myself because of this ongoing guilt. I’ve made myself small, accepted mistreatment, and completely denied my needs because of this guilt. Go ahead and tell me that I’m already forgiven…. Ya, I know. But y’all will go ahead and tell me that I’m a sinner and should feel guilty the second I wanna talk about it. The second I find a thread of good in the tangled up mess.
Side note: Evangelicals are so quick to destroy each other. That’s why I’m done. I’m an exvangelical.
I’m still a believer though, in fact, I think my spirituality is stronger and more faceted than it’s ever been. I feel more and more spiritually rooted everyday. I’ve flailed as recent as Friday last week but as I finish untangling this mess I’m beginning to really see how beautiful all the different threads and colors are. I’m beginning to see how all my flailing and chaos was a result of being all tangled up. Of trying to be an efficient spool of thread while actually being a tangled up mess inside. And I’m over here like I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
After all, that’s how we’re supposed to be when we’re walking with Christ, right? Some would say it’s normal to be a hot mess. Honestly though, I kinda hoped life would be more than that. That I might actually be fulfilled, whole, happy. That the fruit would be multiplied without having to kill myself to make it happen. I think I’ve been doing it wrong. And no one even noticed.
But how were they supposed to? I didn’t even notice.
I know God will redeem all of this. I know it simply because he is good. He is a good good father. And his grace is sufficient. It’s sufficient in all of my humanity. I am perfect and holy.
In my walking with God, I may be called to depths you’ve never explored. I may do things you never thought I would do. You may doubt and question everything.
Here’s the simple truth. I don’t care what you think. I care what God thinks. I’m going to continue to pursue the Divine with all my heart and soul and trust that the universe has my best interest at heart and that they are leading me towards love. Anna is a literal gift of grace. God saw me hating myself and beating myself up for so long. And all He ever sang over me was grace. I couldn’t hear it past all the noise so He had to put it in me. Grace. Just grace. It wasn’t an affair. It wasn’t sin. It wasn’t wrong, bad, evil, deserving of eternal or even earthly punishment. God sees it for what it was/is and His grace prevails. I will not live in shame or condemnation anymore. If you don’t get it, that’s a you problem, not a me problem.
His grace covers me, His grace is in my veins, it’s in and behind every tear, every word, every misstep. His grace is sufficient. I am whole. I am peace. I am free. I am fire.
This freedom is what sets my soul on fire. This love is what gives me the ability to bask in grace, grace, God’s grace.
Fire without grace is a hot flailing mess.
Grace without fire is…well… codependency. And boring lol.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
-
Listening to Landslide by Judah and the Lion (a Fleetwood Mac remake- better imo 😬) and contemplating the last 39 years of my life. If you take a listen I think you’ll get a window into my life, as it is and as it’s been.
The lyrics are just… almost too much to bear without filling a bucket of tears.
Took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain, then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me downOh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
Well, I’m getting older too…10 years ago I made a commitment to someone I love that I would climb ‘our mountain’…. and then I turned around….and then the landslide brought me down.
I’ve always struggled with my relationships with men. It’s a bit dark? deep? to talk about this on my birthday but it’s what’s on my heart…
I’ve shared here and there that I have a complex relationship with my father. Come this December it will be 10 years since we’ve had any interaction.
About ten years ago, someone close to me contacted me- she was very concerned. She shared that my dad had messaged one of her daughters in the middle of the night (she was a very young teenager at the time) and the message made her feel really uncomfortable. This person close to me was aware of my dad’s history (I’ll share below) and asked me to talk to my dad about his behavior. She wanted to call the police. The interaction was obviously concerning and compelled me to address my dad. I had just turned 29 when I had to have this conversation with my DAD.
What is your relationship with your dad like? Does he respect the boundaries and innocence of you, your friends, others? Does he call you on your birthday? Does he allow you to have your own special moments?
Bryce has allowed me to witness what a good father looks like. I’m grateful.
My father was not a good father.
Don’t get me wrong, we had some good moments.
My dad was the fun parent. He was like us kids, loved to play video games, listen to music, be silly. My dad is an artist, an author- he’s very very talented. He loves psychology, science, and philosophy. He’s incredibly intelligent. Emotional. Deep. Pensive. Creative. Expressive…
Sound familiar?
I haven’t wanted to be but the truth is…I am so much like my dad.
I have wanted to deny this, run from it, not admit it. Because I was afraid. Afraid if I expressed myself fully I would turn into him, or even worse- be accused of things he’s done. My dad doesn’t live by the “rules”. Even to this day the way he lives is life is outside of what’s considered “normal”. He’s not a productive member of society.
My dad was never held accountable for what he did to me. He was never held accountable for the many many ways he made so many of my friends uncomfortable by making me/them the object of his sick desires.
The fucking hard thing is…I love my dad. I miss him. I want to have a relationship with a father. And I don’t. I can’t. He’s toxic and dangerous. I must protect myself and my daughter. He will never ever have any kind of access to her because he’s an abuser.
This is very hard to write.
I have been conditioned to “respect my mother and father” and I think they and most people would prefer if I didn’t air my dirty laundry (and the alternative is???? let it stink up my house???)
Childhood abuse makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to admit that their own father was both the object of their love and also their destruction.
How awful and confusing that is. I was just a little girl. I had no voice. I had no one to protect me. No one knew. I didn’t talk about it for TEN YEARS.
Apparently I’m good at keeping secrets for a decade 😦
My mom didn’t know. No one knew. No one knew what he did to me. And I’m not going to write it here because it’s just….awful.
But I will say this…. because of who he is, how he objectified me and every little girl he had access to, he made me not trust myself. He made me detach my mind from my brain. He traumatized me. He robbed me of my innocence.
He refuses to take ownership and be held accountable for his actions which is why I have severed him from my life. I’m not happy about it. I’m not over here celebrating the fact that my dad is a pedophile. It is the worst family secret that could ever exist. Imagine having to hold that in your heart and mind your whole life.
I was never given a space to talk about it, to heal. I can’t even count how many people have said, “it make you stronger”, “he did his best”, “maybe if you…”, “you need to forgive”… I don’t think people understand how hurtful statements like this are. So many people have implied that it was somehow my fault, my responsibility. If you’ve EVER thought anything like this about a victim of childhood abuse (or any abuse, for that matter) YOU are part of the problem and have blood on your hands.
It wasn’t my fault.
The 1990s weren’t trauma informed or kid-positive so my brain just did it’s best to figure out how to deal.
As a result I have ongoing trauma triggers, flashbacks, unwanted memories, and I’ve had LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of confusion and heartache around parenting, love, sex, my body, and MEN.
My mom never dated or remarried so I virtually had no positive male role models in my life, especially before I was 16. I had a grandfather and a few uncles, but we weren’t close in a way that I needed. It’s not their fault. In today’s other post I share how much I crave intimacy- being seen, known, and loved. For at least 10 years (probably 10-20 years old) the darkest and most devastating part of my life was unseen and unknown by anyone but me…and him. Secrets are intimate. These kind of secrets are killers. Killers of mind, body, and soul. It’s a freaking miracle that my life has gone the way it has. Someone must have really been praying for me, looking out for me. Apparently her name was Elaine ❤
The landslide lyrics are tough to hear but also so healing.
I have built my life around four different men, trying to find love, trying to find wholeness and healing. Some people get lucky and do find healing in their relationships. I actually think that’s how it’s supposed to be. We are built for community. Finding your tribe is a real and necessary thing– consider yourself incredibly blessed if you feel like your tribe- whoever you decide that to be- gets you–all of you.
Time has made me bolder. I’m writing- something I’ve been scared to do for so many reasons but a significant one is because I don’t want to be my dad. I love to write. But it’s suuuuperrrrr triggering. I remember days, weeks, years of my dad pouring all of his energy into his books, into his art, and into his love for little girls. Even as I type this I could just scream. Or barf. Or both, at the same time.
It is the worst feeling ever to love someone who destroyed you.
So here it is, my 39th birthday. I won’t get a call from him, I won’t get a card. I won’t hear ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’. As far as I know, I’m dead to him. All because I spoke the truth and set a very very firm boundary.
Lots of people don’t have a dad. Lots of people were physically, sexually, emotionally abused by their fathers. Lots of people cut off contact with their dad (or mom) for their own protection and mental health.
I don’t think many people have a dad like mine though. So gifted, so wounded, so deep and profound, but also so… dangerous.
Usually I’m okay. I can find joy in watching Bryce parent Anna. I find peace in knowing that we’re protecting her body, mind, and soul. I am able to love myself, parent myself in ways I wasn’t. I’ve worked really hard to not be triggered and in my trauma unconsciously. Because it’s UGLY and crazy when it shows up. It makes me mean. It makes me misunderstand nearly everyone’s intentions, especially men.
I don’t see men as dangerous. That’s not how it shows up for me. I see men as indifferent towards me. There are a few men I cherish and they are the one’s that get the brunt of my trauma projections. You didn’t call on my birthday? Must mean you don’t love me. You forgot about me, didn’t celebrate me, didn’t notice or give me special moments? Must mean I’m unlovable…trash…unworthy.
My abuse taught me that I am unworthy of the basic human right to bodily autonomy. To be protected, safe, and loved as a little girl. He robbed me.
So, thirty-nine is the year that I am taking my life back, out of his hands, out of any man’s hands that I’ve surrendered my self-worth to. I’m taking my life back, I’m taking my heart back. I’m taking my body back. I’m taking my mind back. It’s all mine now and I’m not going to let anyone anywhere implicitly or explicitly define my worth.
I’m also going to fight like hell for the things I want, for the love I deserve.
It’s taken me thirty nine years but I finally know what I want. I finally know what I deserve. I won’t settle for anything less. I would rather be alone.
If you can’t grow or change to become what I want and need, then you’re not right for me. You may be a decent human. You may be everything someone else wants or needs. But if you like the person I am- deep, passionate, loving, expressive, full of light and love- then you might have to work on your shit. You might have to grow. You’ll probably be stretched and made uncomfortable.
Go out on a limb– that’s where the fruit is 🙂
Not everyone is able or willing to let go of their patterns that hold then back or hold them in sick places, like pedophilia for my dad…
Newsflash though…the universe will continue to present you with opportunities to confront your demons. Don’t think you can escape it. There’s no better motivator than love. I hope you choose love.
We outgrow people who won’t grow with us.
Most people just want to stay safe…but as they do they stay in their pain, in their lies, in all the things that hold them captive. I know because I’ve been there.
I’m giving myself the gift of freedom.
Freedom from lies. Freedom from captivity. Freedom from triggers. Freedom from dogma. Freedom from judgement. Freedom from death. Freedom from smallness. Freedom from scarcity. Freedom from him.
I’m willing to burn for you.
Honest. Kind. Shine.
Keturah Mae Shine 